I don't find inner peace when the people in my life start behaving, I find inner peace when -I- start behaving, I have never gotten an amends from sitting around and waiting for it stewing in a pool of resentment, but I sure have gotten a few when I went and made amends of my own, and the funny thing is by the time I get the amends I don't need it any more

"Renounce the garment of The Lord and Receive it back as your gift" has been a mathematical theorem in my recovery

Peace is not just the mere absence of violence or disturbance. It's when there is conflict, but you deliberately avoid violence and adopt methods to solve the problem through peaceful means. That is real peace. Dalai Lama

As Mr SponsorPants writes today:

Forgiveness -- and "it is my gardener..."

It used to be (in my head) that forgiveness was a kind of commercial transaction.

I forgave you, but it was only the coin I used to purchase your forgiveness of me in the toxic enmeshment of the moment.

Or I forgave you as part of a contract which stated (by implication) that you would not repeat whatever it was I was forgiving you for.  I forgave you as a down payment on future good behavior.

Or -- most subtle and twisted of all -- my forgiveness was a 'credit due' in the ledger of our relationship, so that when I eventually did something bad I could use it to buy a Get-Out-Of-Jail Free card.

These were attitudes which framed my thinking, beliefs below my conscious thought.  As strange as it may sound, I didn't know I was operating from this viewpoint -- and I might not have believed someone if they'd pointed it out to me.

(You're not ready to see something till you're ready to see something.  That's why AA's custom of sharing personal experience has been so healing for me.  When people speak primarily of themselves, I identify, and that is the window into personal insight.)

Today forgiveness in my life is (usually) a very different thing.

It is not a transaction, it is a passport.  It grants me the freedom to leave something behind, to set it free, to stop dwelling on (nursing) things from the past -- even the past of just a few hours ago.

It's comprised of things I once wouldn't have thought had very much to do with forgiveness:

Humility, in that I admit, under similar circumstances, it's possible I might not have done very differently, or much better, than the person I'm forgiving.

Compassion, to remember that we are all making a hard journey together here on old Mother Earth, and that challenge, that struggle, can wear a body down -- some days more than others -- and cause us to behave badly -- very often from fear -- and how can I not have compassion for others' fears, when I have so very much of my own sometimes.

(Any excuse to quote my favorite Voltaire line -- even though it doesn't sound very Voltaire-ish -- Voltaire-esque? -- to me: "Life is a shipwreck, but we must remember to sing in the lifeboats.")

And acceptance; things are what they are, people do what they do, and to hold onto something is sometimes an indulgence in wishing things were different.

That change came, for me, from staying sober and working to use AA's spiritual tools and live AA's spiritual principles, one day at a time.

Over the course of my sobriety I see that AA as a whole is less my teacher, instructing me in such a way, so much as it is my gardener, helping good things grow within me.

We are all connected in the vast network of humanity of course, but via the 12 Step world there is a special bond, equal parts gift and responsibility.  Through it I have become a much better man than I ever would have on my own -- I am very sure of that today.

For that, I thank you.