I'm new to the CODA online forum and unsure how to get started! About 5 years ago I realized and identified with the CODA/ACOA/Alanon traits but really never established any type of recovery program. I have found myself back in school and given an assignment to seek a 12 step supportive group as a homework assignment and found the online forum. My hope is that I find a fellowship, sponsor and healing. I remember an experience at a CODA meeting and expressed similiar fears and anxieties about being CODA and the members at that particular meeting made me feel welcomed and supported.
I too am new. I have only recently recognised myself as co dependant. I have however always know deep down there was something wrong. i guess im just looking for help and support and a way through. to deal with the feelings of being at a total loss and my witts end when i am alone.
What I found helpful was going to the earliest posts, we explain a -lot-, what is Codependency, the difference between cidependency and love addiction, there is a welath of information on this forum if you poke around some
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I have only been a member of coda for about six months I attend face to face meetings and come on here. I went to coda about 18 months ago but was to busy looking at others and it frightened me to pick up the mirror and look at myself. I am glad that I have today i am trying to focus on my wellbeing and spiritual development and trying to let others deal with their own stuff.
Keep coming back it works if you work it and your worth it
Hi, maka and wendy, and welcome to MIP! I'm glad you found us.
There are several message boards here at Mircles in Progress. The ones I visit the most are this one, ACoA and Al-Anon, but there are also boards for NA and Child Abuse Survivors, as well as a special board for teens. Of the boards I utilize the most, this one, sadly, is the least active. It also doesn't have online meetings like the other boards do.
If you're new to CoDA, I'd highly recommend Melody Beattie's books on the subject. There was a book study going on here for a while on one of the books, but it seems to have fizzled out. Another site you might want to check out is StepChat. They have rooms for various 12-Step programs that are available 24-7 for chat when there's not a meeting going on.
The ACoA board here at MIP is a little more active than this one, but still not as active as some of us wish it was. There's a really good conversation going on about ACoAs on the Al-Anon board right now, though.
I hope you're able to find some face-to-face meetings in your area. The closest CoDA meeings I've found in my state are almost an hour away, and I've only found one ACoA meeting in my entire state. I'm considering starting one, but in the meantime, the boards here at MIP and the StepChat rooms are a real godsend!
Red Hawk
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My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.
Welcome to MIP, Maka & Wendy. I hope you may find CoDA in your area. It is what has made a big difference to my life & recovery. If there are no meetings in your area I would suggest getting a copy of the Blue Book of CoDependents Anonymous & beginning with that. There are official websites online too. The main one is American which has everything you need to start a meeting (besides a venue! but you can find that ;) I use the website we have for Great Britain too. Google CoDA & you'll find both. It was a very small fellowship in my city but with persistance & consistency others will come & now we're going strong. We may be widespread but our unity & bond is the same. Thanks to goodness for this program. Willing you both well & God speed, lilmzx
Hello, I am new also. We don't have much for F2F meetings where I live so I thought I'd try this. I thought my co-dependency was "cured" but it came hammering back down when my boyfriend and I ended our relationship two months ago. I have never felt this alone in my whole life. I would like very much to talk with an experienced CODA member. Thankx
Hi Sugarbee, welcome to the board. I've felt like that a number of times. Even when I ended the relationship I felt abandoned and the sense of shame that accompanies it. Generally it takes some work with positive affirmations and setting boundaries for myself, like I'm not going to be attracted to or continue to love others that don't care about me.
I also realized that a lot of the feelings that I had for one person were, in a sense, a continuation of unresolved feelings for others in the past. If we start to track this down, it should lead to a first relationship or to one of our parents. Once I took the time to source my feelings and separate them, I realized that the recent person was carrying some undeserved weight (baggage), emotionally. This was very freeing because it shifted the emphasis of my sorrow from something (them) that I thought that I could change (the present) to something that I could not change (the past). And that, even this most recent ended relationship, is now part of the past (acceptance). Then it was a mater of changing the way that I feel about the past. Forgiving the others, forgiving myself, accepting the outcome, finding the good in it, expressing gratitude for it (and my present circumstances) and shifting my focus to what I need to do to care for myself today (think self parenting).
Once we begin to set aside self vicitimisation and work this process, it gets easier. The process is grieving, the stages of grief, as in for a deceased loved one (below) are very similar, except that that person is not dead, which can make it harder, at first, because we tend to look for a way to fix it. Notice the final stage is acceptance. We can save a lot of time and pain, if we move as quickly as possible (I try to logically skip 2,3, and 4) and move toward acceptance. That's is the answer to all of my problems that fall under "the things that we cannot change". The sooner that I get there, the more emotional energy (and Time) that I will have saved to deal with taking care of myself today. And if I love myself, this is my number 1 concern.
Five Stages Of Grief
1. Denial and Isolation. At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer. 2. Anger. The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it. 3. Bargaining. Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?" 4. Depression. The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath. 5. Acceptance. This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss. (and moves on)
-- Edited by Dean on Sunday 14th of August 2011 06:29:43 AM
I'm glad you found us.