Hi, I am fascinated by the Recovery Patterns of codependence. I am amazed at how many of them describe my own behaviors. For my contribution to an active forum, I will post a different pattern of codependency every few days. I encourage everyone to share on each topic. Sharing will help us all. Thanks.
Awareness: Recovery Patterns of Codependence (Avoidance Pattern)
The CoDA patterns are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.As we recover from codependency, our thoughts and actions may change.
Feel free to share how your awareness of the patterns is helping you as you recover from codependency.
Codependents often...
Pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away.
In Recovery…
welcome close relationships while maintaining healthy boundaries.
I'm just now realizing that I do this. I keep people at a distance. I'm craving closer relationships with friends, but I don't want to reveal or share too much of my private thoughts. I feel vulnerable revealing my true thoughts. I feel as if no one would understand. If I do actually share a deep thought; I find the need to explain myself, why I feel the way I do about an issue. Then I wonder what my friend thought of me; do they still respect me; do they not respect me because I kept a deep secret for so long; are they planning to "fix me".
The people I should be the closest with (my family) I usually share the least with. I just spend time with them because it is expected to spend time for some event or occasion. I'd like to enjoy my time spent with my family, but I'm not ready to share my private thoughts. I feel as if my family is not a "safe haven". I have pushed my family away (emotionally). It's the only way I can spend time with them.
I think I might be doing the same with my friends. When a relationship reaches the point where a deeper level of understanding is needed; I hold back. I want to stick to surface topics. If my friend pressures for more details, I feel uncomfortable, then subsequently spend less time with them lest they keep pressing.
And here I sit wondering why I don't have many friends. Is it because I push them away; I don't want them in my life? I do want close relationships; yet I'm beginning to see how I close people out and push them away to protect my inner core. I need to learn boundary setting that will protect my inner core while still maintaining a close contact relationship.
I am grateful that CoDA is helping me recognize healthy relationships.
-- Edited by nice4ever on Monday 2nd of January 2012 07:03:11 AM
I have been sitting with this one and turning it over in my mind since you posted it and here is what I have come up with ...
My pattern in relationships in regards to this is as follows. I am open, loving and vulnerable in my relationships. At the end of relationships I often hear "Where did you go?". I have felt a little guilty for it, but now I have dropped the guilt. I made amends for some things I probably didn't need to, but that is ok. I am at peace with this now. I will give you a couple of examples.
Ex husband. From the beginning of our relationship he had an issue with his ex wife who was using drugs, exposing their son to all kinds of bad stuff, getting arrested etc. I was more than willing to stand beside him and support him through resolving this, but he wasn't doing anything to resolve it. After years of asking, begging, pleading, doing the work for him ... little by little I just withdrew and lost respect for him. "Where'd you go?" I was right there until I just wasn't anymore.
Live-in boyfriend. Lost his job. I stated my need for him to put effort into finding one. After 6 mos of not looking, sitting and watching tv during the days and just putting no effort in ... I was gone. I withdrew. No yelling, screaming, fights. I just gave up.
I have more examples, but they all sound exactly the same. I am there. I do my part ... or more. Find lawyers and pay legal fees, pay all the bills and rent for two ... state my needs for them to step up to the plate and after a while just give up hope.
So for years I have thought I was a love avoidant. Instead I am finding that I choose people who do not step up to the plate and do their share. My resolution to this has been to take more time in getting to know someone before getting into a relationship. Are they self sufficient? Are they going to compliment my life or become a drain on me? Is it going to be a partnership or do they need a mommy? Pretty interesting stuff. I would have put money down on the fact I was a love avoidant. I don't think it is true anymore. I love being in relationships and sharing myself, my heart, my secrets, my passion but end up choosing people who just drain me dry until I have nothing left to give.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
I too give my all open up completly with people have no boundaies the after a while I get resentful or they do something really bad and I end the relariondhip. Since coming into recovery I have changed many of my relationships and they seem more equal. My partner is i recovery too and we do not live together as we can not at the moment as an equal couple. I do not avoid love but due to past experiences I am very careful today who I let into my life, as in the past i have chosen sick people who could not meet my needs and my co dependency progressed today I am finding myself and learning to love anfd care for me so I am careful with the people I choose to have i my life today.
The Past: Around when I was 15-16 I've lost all my close relationships because the situation got really really bad in my family (my dad's an alcoholic, my mum a co-dependent) and I struggle to make new friends. I felt down in the dumps for years over it and I couldn't understand why people see me in a bright light from a distance and but avoid getting close to me. I couldn't understand why I was used and abused and had to to leave as just as Willing says.
Only recently I discovered that I'm a co-dependent and I need to learn to set boundaries.
Literally a week ago my eyes were open to how much shame I've got in my heart over those years and it's the reason why I push people away. And it's not the people that avoid getting close to me, I avoid them, I push them away. Because of deep hidden shame over the bad years as a teenager.
That I also developed shame as a very young child when was neglected and didn't get my needs for love and affection met. And I was neglected only because my parents were caught in their own alcoholism & co-dependency to show their love as parents. That it caused me to feel unworthy of love and affection and feel that I have to earn it. Therefore ending up the "little big mum", I took the carer's role. And just as Nice4ever said- family does not feel like a "safe haven", because it's unpredictable and because it feels like conditional love- only if I look after everyone I might earn my love,,,but there's no guarantee.
Only recently I discovered the psychological victim/rescuer/perpetrator's triangle. That as co-dependent we usually start as rescuer's, setting no boundaries, caring for someone else just as Willing describes, then we end up as victim because we don't ever get our needs met without having set any boundaries. Then we end up as persecutor leaving the other one in order to punish them. Then we feel guilty and we need to feel loved therefore earn it & start rescuing somebody else.
The Present and Future: I'm learning to take a step back, think first and set boundaries as opposed to rush into rescuing again. I'm learning to talk about my shame and let myself heal it- that same shame that makes me feel unworthy of love and affection & which makes me push people away & want to rescue others. I'm letting myself show my true self to the world more and more. I'm learning to be myself whether it pleases them or not, I'm learning to stop feeling guilty and ashamed of myself if the way I am doesn't make them happy. If they want to stick around I'm learning to set boundaries and allow them to stick around as equals.
It's an exciting journey and I've already started it, awareness was the first step, the embarking point :) Hope you enjoy yours :) Love and be kind to yourselves as you've shown to easily to be to others :)
Love, Funnyface xx
-- Edited by funny_face on Tuesday 10th of January 2012 04:35:44 PM
-- Edited by funny_face on Tuesday 10th of January 2012 04:37:50 PM
This is sooooo me! I get close to people and then I get scared and push them away. I isolate myself and I think that that is keeping me safe. It can be really lonely. I really don't know how to get out of this pattern.
I really identified with your post. I used to consider myself a "camaflouger", but I don't anymore. I consider myself someone who can fit into a lot of different situations, which is a plus. My wrangers are next to my leathers, which are next to my formals, which are next to my business suits, and my dive gear is in the garage. One day you might find me at the symphony and the next out fishing for salmon. This is not me being ingenuine, this is me living all the aspects of life I enjoy. I am able to sit down comfortably with a large variety of people from around the globe.
Do I let everyone in?
Not any more.
I like to be friends with everyone. There are only a select few I let in my inner circle. What is my inner circle? It is people I respect. It is people who have what I want. It is people who inspire me. It is people who are not afraid to tell me how to improve but don't judge me because I failed. They come from all different walks of life and have varied successes from financial, career, family, interpersonal, or all of the above.
I have a lot of friends. A handful fit into the "inner circle".
People I don't respect at all ... I don't consider friends but I try really hard not to judge or consider them "less than". I just figure they are on a different train (stupid visuals in my head). I can wave farewell while they take the train down their path, but we are going different directions. We have different goals. Most times these are people who's moral compass points opposite of mine. I let it go. I give it to them. They point in their direction for whatever reasons brought them there and mine for my own reasons as well. I can send them off with compassion and acceptance and turn back to the light that guides me and continue on.
It is really, really cool. When I surround myself will inspiring people ... I seem to do wonderful things. I believe in myself, because they believe in me.
-- Edited by willing on Sunday 22nd of January 2012 10:42:42 PM
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Oh my, something else to keep up with. I am a bit like all of you. For some reason I can't stand to be alone so I seek out needy people. I help and help until I'm out of money and hoarse from talking. Then I slowly try to ease out until they yell "Mommy" again and I go back running. I have 2 male friends right now living in states in the East coast and they cut me on & off like a light switch but I run right back when they are in trouble. As long as I'm listening, paying their way & putting up with their abuse then I'm ok but if I stop any of those things then I don't hear from either of them. I do everything I can to keep from being totally alone & I don't know why. I live alone and it is scarey plus I worry about falling, etc., and having no one to help me. So I keep going back. It is funny because I give so much of myself that when I stop & set a boundary I'm told that I push people away. I have no boundaries yet...oh maybe one...but once I meet someone, my mouth tells all. They know more about me then I'll ever know about them and I feel I'm just making conversation. I even try to keep check on people who have long ago left my life...no one ever checks on me. Why I think that I can help everyone that yells "help" is beyond me. Since my mom died last Jan., I have been forced to find a way to totally live alone. My only sister took her inheritance and ran never looking back. I was disinherited. So I have become a little more comfortable with being alone as long as I can keep busy with crocheting, a little housework and a lot of sleeping. The downside is that I don't go out looking for people and no on looks for me. I thought I had a new girlfriend...I guess you can have them when you're 60...but the only time she really says anything is when she is evangelizing me. I guess I need to be saved. Otherwise, she has lots of boundaries and expects me to accept them even when they are inconvenient for me. She is one who said, "it's no wonder you have no friends..you push people away." All I did was tell her that something she did was unacceptable. I, too, will change myself to fit what the other person needs most of the time. And I also keep trying until I give up hope and even then it's hard for me to leave. No one has ever been attracted to me for just "me"...always for what I can do for them and they will say anything they need to get what they want.
Right now I feel like I'm all screwed up. I'm trying to get a good handle on step 1 but what do you do with yourself in the meantime. I'd love to have a relationship with someone but I'm tired of being treated like dirt in the process. I'm also tired of living alone which I've been doing for 7 yrs. now. I think I'm afraid of people...maybe a touch of social phobia thrown in with co-dep.? This is deep stuff for an old lady! love & hugs, Leandra
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"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
I always felt like, if I didn't let people in, then they can't hurt me. A painful illustration of that was when I was a young teen. I was an ugly duckling anyway, but when I told my friends that I had a crush on an older popular guy, they teased me, and they told him and his friends and I heard his friends teasing him about the ugly girl. After that I stopped sharing anything that was important to me or that could be used to hurt me.
I have had some close friendships, but real friends are very few and far between. And I don't open up enough to a lot of people. I can relate to what Willing wrote about being able to just totally walk away and be done.
A month ago I thought I was a little like all of you and today, I can say that I AM just like all of you. I have just pushed away a new friend who was trying hard to be good to me. Why? Because she hates to email and wants me to call all the time but I am to afraid to pick up the stupid phone and call. I felt like I was being forced to choose between her wants and my comfort zone. She thinks I'm crazy. I don't even know what I do that makes people feel pushed away...I just know they leave or I leave like Willing. I'm always the one who gives and gives to these people that need a mother, etc., until I am so used up I feel like dust. But with someone who is maybe worth the effort, I run and I just don't know why. I know I have no self esteem and lots of shame and that I am different from others because my values are different and I can be needy in a relationship, too. But with this woman, did I set a boundary or was I showing my codep. side? I just don't know. I do know that because of her past she was big on setting boundaries and not letting people "steal her peace & joy." She had no problem keeping me in my place. She is 51 and I'm 60...both of us are on disability but she goes "cruising", takes the dogs hiking, goes to parks and I, with one very bad leg & hip, sit at home and crochet or do housework. I don't want to cruise the highways or try to hike with my cane. So I'm left to consider what might truly be the problem here. If this was just a bad match then it will be my first time at admitting she was just not the kind of person I could be friends with and that I'm not all at fault. I would write long emails opening up myself and telling her everything but would get back a one liner from her. I've only known her since Dec. so that was not a good idea because it got used against me. The only time I really go her attention was when we talked religion and then she wrote volumes and quoted lots of scripture which really turned me off. Right now I'm struggling with God and throwing scripture at me doesn't help. It's like there are 2 different Gods in the Bible and I can't reconcile them which drove her crazy.
So tonight I sit here totally alone again and wondering why I'm always in this situation. I've pushed her away as well as dumping the 2 men that I thought cared about me as a friend but really used me to solve all their problems. Talk about needing mothers...whew!! I don't want to be alone and I don't want to be this way. I guess I need to get a better handle on just what boundaries are and which ones I need to put into place.
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"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
I had a conversation yesterday with a new friend and recommended a book by Pia Mellody about intimacy. She asked if I was reading it for the sake of an intimate relationship or relationship in general. I laughed.
"An intimate relationship isn't even on my radar right now. I am learning how to have healthy friendships first."
It isn't like I don't have some wonderful friends that have been with me for decades. I am just VERY interested in how I interact with others from the moment I meet them. I watch and take care to go slowly for my sake and theirs. I work hard to be aware of myself and them and to fully listen and be present. There are times in any relationship, may be the minute you meet someone or just something that is said along the way when the balance of power shifts. I am determined to learn to get through this without the shift. To not jump on the better than or less than ship and just be open, non-judging, and vulnerable, to be seperate and whole and not so tied to what they think of me.
Good example. I am new to a town that terrifies me and the only person I know was my boyfriend and he just left me. So ... I make a new friend, a girlfriend to boot (most of my friends are guys), and I am pretty optimistic! I want to jump in, have discussions, go out ... but I take it slow. Put an offer out for dinner that was refused. Take her up on a couple of offers to dinner she put out. She was really sweet but I made sure to just kind of hang back and watch. I didn't have to put my whole life on the table and have her accept me right away. We could just hang out and get to know each other.
She is a great, outgoing lady but I have noticed that a: she has a lot of drama in her life and b: every time I have been with her she has gotten drunk.
Just not something I want in my life. I took it slow and watched. I didn't put myself out there hoping with desperation that I would get validation like I have in the past. I didn't accept her and her drama into my life because I was so in need of companionship and acceptance. And you know what? It felt REALLY good. I have done that so much in the past with friendships and intimate relationships ... accepted anyone just so I have someone.
With these new practices in place I have made some wonderful friends since and the REALLY ironic thing is ... they have been in recovery and it was completely coincidence, I found out after the fact.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
