10th January 2012.
Admit complete defeat? Not me! When I came to CoDA I was doing just fine on my own, thank you! The God I knew then was not kind or loving, so why would I admit anything to God?
Now, I totally accept Step One. When I came to believe that a loving Higher Power is in charge, I became able to let go of my need to control outcomes. I stepped down from the director's chair & let the world run as it's supposed to: under my Higher Power's direction.
CoDA Daily Meditation.
WoW... that's awsome! I'm still having problems not controlling each second,congradulations. Yesterday was a trying day. I had to stop myself every second not to take control of every and anything! it was hard letting my daughter do the things she needed to do, even tho in my eyes it seen to take her "forever" but I did it... "Yes" I did it. "thank you God" Lilmz, I did not realize how controling I was until I tried to stop....
Thank you both for your shares. Leandra, one of the many beauties in this program is that we get to choose our own conception of a Higher Power. If your God could be, how will you have it...? Enjoy & feel free to share that too if you want to. This isn't a debating society. Our understanding can be & usually is, deeply personal. A big part of what I choose to call God is all about love & unconditional at that. I don't think I'd be able to turn my will & life over to the care of if it wasn't! Have fun. Mine is constantly in progress & all we need is a beginning. It develops for me through persisting with the steps & growing, a day at a time. Lv lilmzx
For me, when I am not being kind and loving to myself I really can't tell if anyone else is or not. Nor will I give them the opportunity if they even really want it when I am in that state. When I am punishing myself it feels like everyone else is too.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
for me for some time i m being kind and loving towards someone else then to myself and now i believe i most important to take care of myself god is loving too all i may not get what i want but god is in control not me and he may have a plan for me which i at this moment cannot see i need to trust him and let go now.
But lilmz, ya know what? When I make up my own idea of an HP, I feel like it is phony because I've spent my entire life with just one kind of God, It is very hard for me to believe in any other kind even if the new one would be more loving and interactive. I would be much happier with a new HP but can't seem to get beyond all the religious training...Catholic at that. It is easier for me to not believe at all. I really struggle with this issue and until I can come up with something that works then I'm stuck at step 1.
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"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
Perhaps you are worried about too much at once. Remember Step 1 ...
We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
There is no mention of a HP there. Starting to practice this step is difficult enough without adding all those worries and confusion as well.
If you walked up on a 10 ton boulder could you move it with your bare hands?
If the answer is no, would you say you are powerless over that boulder? Doesn't mean you have a problem, just means that you accept that you can't change anything and that one is pretty easy.
When I think of this step, which is often, it brings me humility. I am but a small part of a much larger thing and my arrogance that I can control more than myself ... well it is a bit humorous at times. Especially when controlling myself is such a challenge all on it's own.
It is also a reset button for me. I may be getting overwhelmed and metaphorically carrying around all these things .... worry, fear, untrue stories stuck in my head, obsession over things I need to let go, worry about what others think, other people problems ... I just envision them as all these packages I am juggling and struggling with. This step gives me the opportunity to stop and put EVERYTHING down and then re-evaluate what I need to pick back up. What is REALLY my responsibility? My highest priority is always MYSELF. It is at the top of the list. These boxes I just put down and am now looking at amongst all this other stuff lying on the floor - are responsibilities that I need to take care of. Maybe a fear that is crippling me. Maybe and amends that is eating away at my serenity. This box could be anything ... maybe it is a day at the spa, or telling someone I love them, because that is what I need. But it could also be painful work that I need to do to heal. As I look down I see a lot of boxes with my name on it and that is going to take some work. The nice thing is I get to leave all the boxes on the ground that DON'T have my name on it.
I have just lightened my load and put more emphasis and focus on what I need to do. I have admitted I am powerless over all those other things and accepted some things I need to change about myself. That is it. I haven't started doing the work yet. I didn't snap my fingers and come out of the other side of the "12 step carwash" a gleaming new example of recovery. I just accepted it at a gut level ... not just words ... but down deep in my soul where the real truth lies. Step done.
Admitting I am powerless over much in my life gave me the power to change my life, it made me stronger. It made me happier. I didn't start with everything, I didn't have to accept it all once. I just started with one thing, which happened to be a person. I admitted I was powerless over them. It is a painful process, but after it really sinks in a beautiful question rises out of the ashes of your grief.
So what am I going to do to change myself?
-- Edited by willing on Thursday 12th of January 2012 04:11:36 PM
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Willing, I really found your post helpful. I always seem to look at the end result and then get overwhelmed by all the stuff I have to do to get there. I end up spinning my wheels. Thanks for bringing me back into focus. I'm in a weird place. I realize I have no control but I keep trying to force having control, if that makes sense. Instead of dropping the boxes, I just keep juggling them faster and harder so I will get control. I think you have pointed me in a direction I very much need to follow. Thanks bunches!!
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"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
I also posted this question under another topic but re-reading Willing's post makes me have to ask it here. I am trying to get a good grip on Step 1. I think I'm beginning to get a small hold on the idea. BUT, in the meantime, what do I do with all the other issues that have to be dealt with like setting boundaries in relationships and not being sucked in by needy people? It is funny because as much as I try to help others emotionally, financially or in any other moral way, I'm the one that is always called needy. Why is that? I need to be needed but doesn't everyone? Is that wrong? I thought I was just very compassionate but I must need to read the definition again. I've been working with the box idea. So far when I drop my boxes and look at them they all have my name on them and I know that's not right so I'm doing some sorting & analyzing to see which have my name on them & shouldn't. That is a very helpful tool. Another thought is how do you disconnect from the wrong people in your life without feeling like you are abandoning them? I have a male friend in NC, 62 yo., who can't manage taking care of himself. This is the first time he's ever had to do it so I'm always listening to him complain, offering suggestions that he ignores or sending money because he has none to buy food. I've never met him except on webcam and I've been talking to him about 5 hrs. a night for 5 yrs. He has gone above and beyond taking advantage of me. I have spent a fortune helping him and hours on the phone but every time I try to stop, he whines and I feel bad. I am having a hard time keeping my hands in my own pockets as they used to say.
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"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
It was very difficult for me to learn how to put myself first. I had to get to the point of realizing that I am my protector. No one else is going to do it for me. Once I got over grieving that there was never going to be a knight in shining armor and face the reality that I am in charge of myself, the pain turned into power. This is my job. It shouldn't be anyone else's job.
Once I grasped that and started to honor it, enabling others became less easy to do. It was just a natural thing. Listening to others who are capable of taking care of themselves, have all the tools and facilities to do so, complain about how awful life is and do nothing to change - was just dragging me down. As my protector it just became my instinct to not like it and not want it anymore. I realized the only reason these people are where they are is by choice. Me enabling them was helping them to stay where they were and never take responsibility for themselves. I also realized that when they got upset that I wasn't doing more, it actually made me feel bad about myself. Someone telling you that you are not enough even though you are trying so hard your fingers bleed ... feels really bad. With my new-found role as protector I wasn't willing to put up with that anymore.
Yes, they whine that we are abandoning them. My experience has been, repeatedly, that when we stop enabling them they get up off their butts and do the work themselves or go find someone else to mooch off of.
You know the best part? When I am not giving all my resources away to people who don't deserve it, I have a lot more to spend on myself. I have taken family on vacation, gotten regular massages and facials, accupuncture, new clothes ... Bought myself little gifts. Have another upcoming vacation. All this was going to people that were ungrateful. I was giving and all I was receiving in return was grief and whining for MORE! There was absolutely no single reason I had to be doing what I was doing except that they were lazy. Now I spoil myself rotten and leave the guilt at the door. I am worth it. I work really hard.
This doesn't mean I don't help. This doesn't mean people don't need help. I help a lot of people. Just this week I helped two friends and my mother. I just cut those people out of my life that were parasites. It doesn't feel good when this upsets them. Once the discomfort passes, the power replaces it. The serenity replaces it. I used to sit for hours a day on the phone and listen to someone complain. Once that is gone, the silence is golden. Imagine what you can do with those hours ... for yourself. Imagine how much better you would feel if your conversations were with positive people who encourage you and make you feel good about yourself. They are out there. I just couldn't see them until I changed.
Moving away from the old behavior is uncomfortable. It is like exercising in a new way, you get sore muscles. But you are stronger afterwards.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
