After 9+years of marriage to a "functional" alcoholic he seems to be a new man. I won't go into the long ugly history now but his recovery started when I had an "exit affair" 6 months ago. My affair devastated me and it has been difficult to come to grips with. On the other hand he says it "saved him". We were preparing for divorce (and I was relieved to finally be breaking free, even in such a stupid way) when he started AA and therapy. I agreed to marriage counseling but only to support an amicable divorce as I was done.
Now......we are still both in individual therapy and marriage counseling. He is active in AA and is honestly becoming the man I've prayed (and knew) he could be. He seems to have found some sort of peace inside himself that I find amazing. We are trying to reconcile and he is bending over backwards to give me the space I need to heal. So what's the problem? I am so resentful and angry and I hate myself even more for it.
I feel like I've been emotionally gutted over the course of our marriage. Now that we have stepped back from eachother I am just grasping the damage wrought by his illness. I was so deep inside it was in more denial than he was. I have been living in survival mode and cut my emotions off long ago. Now I am just mad.
Mad that it took me sleeping with another man and walking out the door (and in the process crushing what was left of my self-worth) for him to come to his senses.
Mad that he took so many years of my love, strength and sanity and now I feel like I have NOTHING left inside me.
Mad that I can never fully trust the father of my children or myself again
Mad that I sacrificed myself and so much of my life only to hand the world back this awesome man that I can no longer love even though he still loves me.
Mad that, because I covered for him for so long, I AM the one "destroying my family" because I had an affair (If these people ONLY KNEW the things he has done......) This includes my closest family, even my mother! But HE is the hero that has taken his cheating wife back
Mad that I feel more alone than ever, I don't even know this sweet, supportive, sober guy
And most of all....mad that I cannot find joy in his progress
I don't want to punish him, but I am so afraid I can never let anyone close to me again. I feel like I've been betrayed by everyone near me. I am so lost. Alcohol was his illness but he was mine. What do I even do with that?
This is the first step. Looking for support and wanting change. You are reading Codependent No More and coming here. That is a wonderful start. I started going to meetings shortly after I did those things (I got the book then found MIP in 2008), worked the steps, and found relief and serenity I had never known.
I remember the consuming anger and pain. The lack of trust for everything in my life as my life fell apart. It felt as though I would be stuck there forever. This program was the way out for me. It wasn't overnight, it took work, but it is all in very digestible, understandable, simple - but not easy steps to recovery. There was a lot of work to do, a lot of pain I had to walk through to get to the other side. The pain was no worse than what I was living in everyday but it promised me relief on the other side of the journey and the promises were true.
Therapy is wonderful, I couldn't continue as it was too expensive and once a week wasn't enough. I was in so much pain my focus turned to recovery everyday. I had to learn and do work everyday. The program of 12 step recovery is there for us free of charge, with a wonderful support group, and can be worked at our own speed. Many have found it is a wonderful compliment to Therapy.
We are so glad you are here. I remember the pain and desperation like it was yesterday. I remember posting on MIP wondering if I could ever get to the other side like the people writing back to me. I look back now and I am so so so very thankful for the experience, the relationship that brought me here, and every day of work I did to give me control of myself - which I never had before.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
my partner is an alcoholic in recovery in AA also. Alcoholism is a family disease and as you have seen it has affected you also. I too fight resentment on a day to day basis. I am also a member of another fellowship called al anon this fellowship supports the families of alcoholics and has helped me to understand alcoholism and what it has done to mt family.
When the drinker puts down the drink and goes to AA that is their recovery we have to go into recovery too. I find al anon helpful to learn about the disease and it helps to be with people who understand what i have experienced.
However Coda I need even more as i was with a compulsive gambler for 17 years before my current partner so there was something within me that made me choose a relationship with a sick person. i have always been a carer, rescuer. I give my all then get angrey when people do not repay the favour. In Coda and al anon I have learnt that I am only responsible for me and that it is my duty to love and care for me.
I have seen relationship make it through all this but it takes a lot of work of both people , even though we are in a relationship we are individuals, we all mak mistakes.
I hope you keep coming back as it is lovely to be able to live without hateful thoughts racing through your mind all day.
"I can no longer love even if he loves me." This statement haunts me! Two months ago I would have stayed in the relationship just to get approval! I realize alcoholism is a disease................. Recovery needs a lot of support and life changing work......................... keep us posted..................................take care of yourself!
My story is very similar to yours. I know where you're coming from.
I've just been to a meeting where we were talking about step 9...and this very subject came up.
When making amends....when making my step 8 list ....when choosing to be willing to make those amends.
I have to remember to put myself at the top of the list.
My husband hurt me...he stole 25 years of my life....he stole my childrens positive upbringing....
I ALLOWED him to take my serenity and what was left was disfunction.
Now he's in sobriety and working his program I'm supposed to forget all about it and move on?
The fact is that by hanging onto all thiss resentment the only person I'm hurting is ME.
He stole 25 year but I'm destroying the years now,
I have choices.
I can look at today...just this one day...and decide whether it is how I want it to be....
I can accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can.
My husband will always think and do things differently to me. I can choose to accept him as he is or I can leave.
He can't change the past and neither can I. I would love to have a past life that was full of love and support...and a secure functional past home for my kids.
I can't have that back.... thats where MY resentment lies.
My life starts today... and starts again tomorrow.
I can choose to be happy or I can choose to sit in resentment.
whether i'm with my husband or not won't change that choice.
The pnly person who can make me happy is me.
Spoiler
I don't want to punish him, but I am so afraid I can never let anyone close to me again. I feel like I've been betrayed by everyone near me. I am so lost. Alcohol was his illness but he was mine. What do I even do with that?
Courage is fear thats siad its prayers. I need an active higher power to help me let go to that betrayal....
But I also have to accept that BOTH of us suffer from acoholism....He drank it and I reacted to it.
we BOTH have to work on our recoveries.
Alcoholism has left me damaged. I have to accept that
step one.... If my life is unmanageable its because I am focusing on someone elses inventory and am not focusing on me.
step two ...says if I want some sanity back I need to share at a meeting...I am one person. I have my own power. The other members have their own power and collectively that power is greater than mine.
step three ....says to find my own God and to make peace with what ever that is...
Once I've done all that maybe I can start to see my own fear, anger and resentment...all my survival skills..... and see if they are making ME a nice person.
maybe then I can find the courage and willingness to start letting some of it go.......
My husband stole my past but my todays are my own responsibility....not his
I really do understand your emptiness. Its tough to lose the comfort of the disfunction. It was familiar.
But I really don't like being in it.
So I'm working to build serenity into my day instead. By changing MY attitude my whole life has changed around me....
No one likes change LOL Its uncomfortable.
but I also have a new picture to paint.
Is it going to be a goomy picture of today? or a bright fresh one?
Hard to trust I know...but I have a choice... and so do you?
What do you want from your ...one day at a time...?
Upintheair, there's a chapter in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous written by Lois (Bill W's wife) for the wives of alcoholics/recovering alcoholics. I read it again recently & thought of you. There are some issues addressed there that you've mentioned here. It could help in identification & understanding. Of course, Lois & I think Dr Bob's wife went on to found Al Anon after their husbands beginning AA. Wishing you peace, lilmzx
