This post is about boundaries, something as ALANON and Co-dependents have been trained NOT to have. We were repeatedly taught that our person is second best and our feelings don't matter.
Therefore learning to set boundaries is about validating my feelings. Recently, for the millions time I've ignored my disappointment, said nothing (as usual) and got myself deeper and deeper in disappointing situations until the last straw made me snap. Then felt guilty for such an extreme step but felt no other way out of feeling disappointed and used.
And I discovered way/steps to setting boundaries.
When I feel a bad feeling about somebody there's a boundary needed. Step back, take a few deep breaths and
1 what is my "yes" with this person?
eg: I enjoy/love X with them
I find Y interesting about them.
2. What am I available for with them and still feel good?
3. What isn't working for me?
"I noticed you did x"
4. And how it makes me feel.
Discover the scenario that went on in my head
"I made it mean they weren't interested in me"
"I imagined you didn't care"
"I thought they'd think/feel this or that"
5. SET a boundary "I'm available for A but not B"
And feel good about the boundary.
I'm taking my time setting new boundaries and feeling whole.
I'd love to learn how you learnt to set boundaries and your way of finding out what boundaries are missing and how you stick to them & feel good.
Excellent post, so full og clarity, Funnyface. I tripped up in my boundary keeping in my counselling class last night. I was tired, feeling spaced out & so somewhat disconnected to myself. Whilst having difficulty roleplaying an intervention with a client I described how I'd managed to do this in another relationship. My classmate asked me what relationship & I told her with a sponsee. We're not particularly close & usually I reserve mentioning anything about my fellowship status for when I trust it's appropriate. I don't speak about it flippantly, I respect my anonymity & careful how I may represent anything to do with recovery to others. I felt angry with this person for asking a prying question which wasn't necessary to know in regards to the process. In my vulnerable moment I felt both violated by her & also myself for letting my guard down due to my state. If I'd have felt connected to myself & fresh I don't know if I'd have simply felt more confident about sharing with her but as it was I developed a resentment which added to or was maybe because of some feelings I had about her from previous thoughts & experiences with her. I didn't do my Step 10/11 last night so obviously there's work for me to do in that I need to take my inventory around where these feelings are coming from, where I can be kind to self & other regarding forgiveness & if it would be wise to have a direct conversation with that person in amends. I'm grateful this program allows me great specificity & ability to grow in any eventuality. So in answer to your questions, Funnyface, boundaries for me are about respecting mine & others human rights like privacy & autonomy. Sometimes I'll feel a natural shame if I've violated them & sometimes it's not until someone tells me that I realise. I'm sensitive to listening to my intuition or body for indication that I'm breaking mine or someone else's boundaries & I also keep an open mind & heart to hearing others if they tell me. Respect is a 2 way street & the Steps help me walk it. Thank you for your share & a great topic. lilmzx
I've only just started looking into this myself. My recovery as an adult child has finally brought myself to look at them. I had not really thought of them before.
When I started with al-anon, I made a boundary that I wouldn't go to bar-b-ques or anywhere, where my husband would be drinking lots. That way I protected myself from his behavior on the way home and afterwards. I haven't had a problem since with it. We did have a bar-b here just over a year-a-go now, where I copped an ear-full from him. The other people ended up leaving while he was ranting and raving. There is no way I'm having another one. These have worked for me so far.
The other day I saved this passage to my phone, from an aca book to do with boundaries.
Boundaries allow us to remain safe, respected and free of harm. We must honour our boundary even if others do not. We state our boundary clearly and honour it for ourselves.
