That's ok. It's God's plan for me. I grew up surrounded by people yet felt lonely. Now I can grow up emotionally & spiritually. I'm re-parenting myself by meeting my own needs. That means being the best me I can be. No more people-pleasing to gain acceptance. No more lies & cover-ups to meet someone else's needs. I use God's gifts, CoDA meetings, prayer & meditation, service work, exercise, affirmations, workshops, & more. Thanks God. I feel better. CoDA Daily Meditation.
I am slowly realizing it's not being alone that I dread, it's the judgement from my mother. She hates being alone and, being a narcissist, she assumes everyone else hates the same things she hates. I have had some time off work this week, and I'm catching up on a number of wellness projects and things that I'd rather not discuss with her. So I just haven't discussed those things, just focused on other things when we chat. It's working well. Boundaries...gotta love 'em!
-- Edited by SugarBee on Thursday 9th of February 2012 04:12:20 PM
I've always been happiest alone. Well, not completely alone ... I have my wonderful daughter. I've always liked the idea of being in a relationship but chose men who were bad for me. I have taken time alone with purpose, time to heal, to learn to take care of myself. Now I am learning to have relationships on a friendship level. I have a handful of wonderful, close friends. I have been practicing making more friends with my new relationship tools and it has been GLORIOUS. I have made new male and female friends and have been given a renewed faith in humanity. I seem to be choosing different people, honest, gracious, respectful people who are not so wrapped up in themselves. They give and take and celebrate when I take care of myself instead of putting me down for it. We support each other and boundaries are honored.
I recently went on vacation with a man, just he and I, just as friends. 5 days alone together and not a moment of discomfort. Sharing stories, laughing, enjoying silent times, with no agenda or games. We stayed in the same room (separate beds) and I felt completely safe. All of my new relationships have been inspiring and educational, but this was a true test. It could have been a flaming disaster. I could have been an emotional wreck with expectations and ego flying. He could have been the same. We went through it with ease and grace and got along like we had known each other forever (we had only met once for a few hours). He is in a 12 step program (purely coincidence) and we talked a lot about it - our HP, sponsoring, and much more. He lives the program so well, I was so proud and happy for him. His service to others is inspiring and so full of humility.
I am finding this to be true with everyone in my life now. A sense of ease and understanding and I believe I had to start with myself. I had to accept and love myself and not worry so much about what others think.
I will someday be in a relationship again and I am so optimistic, in fact I am thrilled because I am so very different and so excited about who I am and love myself so much. If you attract people like yourself, I have wonderful things in my future.
I never thought I was worthy before. I worried what everyone thought and regardless of whether I received praise or not, I walked on eggshells never thinking I was enough. I chose people who didn't think I was either.
Life is so darned good. I feel I belong now, right now, right where I am. I have no expectations for the future, but I know it is going to be great, no matter what it is. Alone or with someone, single or in a relationship ... I A M E N O U G H.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
I don't want to be alone...I hate it & dread it at the same time. I feel like life has no purpose now. I was forced into this by my husband's suicide. My grown sons have deserted me, my sister deserted me, my mom died so no friends and no family. I am fighting this with all my soul and I'm beginning to think I should just stop fighting it. So Willing, reading your recent post helped me to understand a little bit some things that I could be doing during this time. I guess I need to start with myself and go up from there like you did. The only barrier for me is my agoraphobia which I can't beat and can't figure out why I have it. So if I can't get out of the house, where does that leave me even if I start healing from codependency?
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"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
I don't know if I can relate or not as I don't know the specifics of your situation. I have been working from home for 8 years now. There have been times, especially when wrapped up in an unhealthy situation, where leaving my home is VERY difficult. I don't know how severe your situation is. Do you shop for groceries? Do you leave the house at all or are you a complete shut-in? (Not judging at all, I get it). Just wondering what you have to work with.
While I did go to meetings in the beginning, which was EXTREMELY helpful, I have done most of the work on myself from my house. I have STACKS of books, have been on these forums for 4 years. I can go to any situation with countless people saying and doing wonderful things, but when it comes down to it the work I have to do is on myself and I have to change. That change is difficult and takes work and it doesn't matter where I am when I do it. I haven't done my work at meetings, I got inspired at meetings. I did the work in my day to day life.
If you are home-bound perhaps you can start a meeting in your home? Perhaps you can call and get someone to stop by? Maybe you can work on pushing the boundaries of your condition and someday conquering it. Here is a good example. I have gotten into the habit of pushing my limits. I am REALLY afraid of heights. Recently I went on a trip and was going up the "wanna be" light house. It wasn't a real one, which was worse because it was this narrow concrete tube with 164 steps. Add a little claustrophobia to the heights and I was ready to throw up. I went up, one step at a time. Both hands white knuckled on the railing, sweat dripping down my back, and shaking like a leaf. I stopped a couple of times hyperventilating. I turned around a couple of times ready to throw in the towel. I was alone. I kept pushing. I did it. I reached the top and it was like the door knob was a million miles away. At this point my vision was narrowing and my ears were ringing. I knew I had reached my limit. I could not step out onto the platform. I opened the door, stuck my camera out and took a picture and promptly closed it. I had not reached my goal of standing out in the wind looking over the Washington and Oregon skyline. But I had made the journey. It was enough. I was ... I don't know ... I wouldn't say proud but relieved. I did it. Is it going to make the next time easier? Am I going to conquer it? No idea. But I will keep trying. And THAT is why I did it.
Yesterday I went to the women's and children's shelter for orientation for volunteering. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay home and be comfortable. To be accountable I took a friend with me, someone I had not spent much time with and didn't know well. It made me accountable but even MORE nervous. We pulled up and parked and to this person I didn't really know I said "I am really nervous." Her response - then you really need to be here. I was blown away. At one point during the time I did have to leave and go get some air. I was just overwhelmed ... but you know what? That is OK! I learned later during a wonderful lunch that my new friend has had time in recovery and we have some much to offer each other. We talked for a long time and had to force ourselves to leave the table and get back to our lives.
And all I was going was trying to push my limits, get out of the house, and be of service.
And I got much more out of it than I offered anyone else.
Funny how that works.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
