I am codependent. I am 48 years old and I discovered that there was a name for this about 3 years ago. I always thought it was a term reserved for those from alcoholic families. In my family it did not stem from alcoholism, but a hypercritical environment with a father with an explosive temper.
I thought I was a grown up, I thought I was mostly functional, with a few hangups. But then I got in a relationship that has really brought out the codependency in me and put me on the path to discover what "it" was.
About 4 years ago I began a relationship with a man. We were great friends and we talked about everything. Not long after, he lost someone very close to him. That set up a lot of caretaking behavior. After that, we no longer talked about everything. How could I talk about myself, my silly insignificant stuff, when he was grieving? We have gone through a lot of ups and downs. He doesn't understand codependency. He thinks anything that happened to you as a kid should no longer affect you as an adult, once you turn 21 you choose how you act and what you do. One of my biggest problems now is communication. I never talked much because I never felt like what I said was important. Then when he lost his family member that was reinforced. Then we had other issues where I felt criticised talking about certain things to do with work, so I stopped talking about it. Now he thinks I am secretive.
We had a misunderstanding today as a matter of fact. I tried to explain to him afterward that what he interpreted from what I said was not what I meant to convey, but it was too late. He got very upset with me and now I'm a mess.... again. I cry and he gets angry and withdraws and that sends me into panics. I am a little girl who accidentally did something wrong and was sent to her room by her angry father, again and again and again. I know I have to take responsibility for myself and own my part of it, but how do I recognize this in progress in the future and change it? It is a mystery to me. Every time something like this happens, I say next time I will know better and I will say this or that, and it will avoid that happening. But every time it is like I am clueless all over again about how what I say or what I don't say is going to blindside me. It seems to just set up more rules of behavior, say this, don't say that.... or rather just a whole lot of don't say.... which makes me shut down communication more, and prevents me from being me. I have tried to talk to him about this and explain where I am coming from. He interprets that as me not trusting him. That if I am afraid to say things to him because I fear a reaction, then I am prejudging him. Which makes him angry.... which makes me react negatively..... around and around we go.
I am so codependent, I couldn't even figure out a user name. Do you know how long I sat and stared at the box to fill out the registration? I finally picked mime because I feel like I can't talk, but at least the mime gets their point across through actions. Maybe I should have put failed mime. Paralyzed Mime.
I have read a lot on the internet and a lot of books on codependency. But I do not know how to change. I went to a counselor from last spring until November, but she wasn't the right counselor. It seemed like I knew more about codependency than she did, and I was pretty much still on my own as far as researching and reading. She did try to help me with self esteem issues but I don't feel she was helping with the root problems. At one point she told me I'm not going to change. I stopped going.
But I need help. How do I find a therapist in my area who can help me?
I read these books, I read all these checklists, and I can identify which traits I display. I can identify where a lot of my behavior is unhealthy. But I don't know what to DO about it. Help?
I wish I had some good advice about therapists but I don't. For me, it is kind of like finding a good doctor ... very difficult. You don't know until you get there. Then when it goes badly it is very disappointing and you have to start over. And a LOT of money wasted.
The 12 step programs resolved that problem for me. I don't go to meetings anymore,, but I did the first two years. When I was in the throws of crisis meetings saved me and threw me into a room full of people with the same goals as I had - to stop suffering and improve themselves through work and self-discovery. From that group of people I could sit and listen, watch who has "what I want" and who doesn't then ask for help from the ones I think will be able to help me. This can come in many different flavors. Maybe one person is good to just get my fanny to a meeting. We could ride together making us accountable. This person is really good at getting to meetings. Maybe another is good at listening and not judging so that person is high on my call list when I need to reach out. Perhaps someone else is living the life I want to live. Full of serenity and understanding, empathy and self-love. And I ask them to sponsor me. Perhaps one person fits all - who knows. Pretty darned fast I got to be one of those people for others. Being of service and reaching out to offer a hand to others, which was more helpful than anything else.
I don't think therapy is bad, but at $100 a week as a single mother I just couldn't do it! I didn't walk away with any homework and 1 hour a week was just not enough to help me. I needed to focus on myself and learn everyday.
Sorry I couldn't be more help.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Mime - I am totally new to this also and not a group person... But I did go to one alanon meeting and just listened... No one makes u talk. You get people's phone numbers too who might meet up w u one on one. I too have been to two awful therapists. This third one offered the book men are from mars and women from Venus. I am reading often the codependent book. I think it might be helpful for the day to day stuff kinda like a cheat book or rule book. But I also think u are right about getting to the deep stuff that is buried in there from childhood and working on the self esteem stuff too I am really not doing too well myself. I try to work the twelve steps and having guidebooks do help keep me focused. But I am also grieving a deep hurt and betrayal that sometimes blocks me from moving forward... It is nice to have a virtual world to reach out on.
I have explored counselling for my illnes and like you have found hard to find a professional experienced in this field.
Meetings are the answer for me. It is about trust which takes time to grow. A counsellor undertands what we are talking about in theory however people in meetings truley understand they are the ones who are experiencing the same pain as us. it has helped me so much to realsie I am not the only person with this disease.
I have met many people who hav atteded meetings for months before they share or read you do not have to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Than slowly as relationships and trust are built it becomes easier and hopefully we identfy that person we can ask to sponsor us who we can trust with our deepest secrets.
I am in need of a sponsor I have prayed about it and I kno the right person will turn up in Hps time. Part of this disease is to isolate I go to 2 or 3 meetings a week I now have a real sense of belonging and do belive it is my family of choice. I hope you can find the courage to reach out to thers in a similar sitution to yourself.
