Let me start of by saying that I am very new to all of this. I’m just starting in my recovery process and honestly just recently realized how screwed up my childhood actually was. I’ve never posted anything on any message board before and I just started really even looking at them.
I am in desperate need of some advice and help. My marriage is completely falling apart and I want to fix it. I’ll start off by giving you some of my background. I’m really trying to find someone who can really relate with me so I’m just gonna put it all out there. I apologize if this is long winded but it takes a lot for me to open up and talk about these things so I just want to get it out while I have the courage and fortitude to do it.
I’ve been together with my wife for almost 15 years and married for over 11. I am 35 years old and my wife is 39. I have a 23 year old stepson and 16 month old daughter. I work as a restaurant manager and my wife is a stay at home mom. My stepson has moved out and back in again a few times and is back home now but works a lot and out of the house most of the time. Unfortunately me and him have a horrible relationship and I wish it were better. I contribute a lot of that to the fact that I came into the picture when he was 8 and I was only a mere 20 years old myself and just finally “escaped” from my own screwed up childhood and home myself. But that’s all a story for another time.
Both of my parents were alcoholics and my dad used to, on occasion, be physically abusive to my mom as well. We were poor when I was growing up and my house was very old and falling apart as well as always being a mess because of my alcoholic parents. I was also the fat kid of my class. I had so many insecurities growing up and was always embarrassed of pretty much everything in my life. I was very smart in school when I was younger but then once I got my license I started to screw up. I became a pot head and would skip school a lot to go and get stoned and hang out with the wrong crowd. I started failing all my classes and ended up dropping out the next year. Of course my parents didn’t even realize what was going on until I told them that I dropped out!
I met my wife on an internet dating site when I was just 20 years old. She lived 3 hours away from me so there was a lot of travel back and forth to see her. We moved very fast and moved in together within just a couple of months. Of course we moved into an apartment close to where she was living. I wanted to get away from the life I knew up until then. There were a lot of problems with our relationship in the beginning. She had problems of her own(of course), she was diagnosed as bi-polar. I know being codependent is a big side affect of being an Acoa. Maybe that was why I was attracted to her in the first place… who knows. She got on medication for a while and did a lot of work on herself and made a lot of progress. None the less for a long time in the beginning of our relationship I was always helping and “saving” her. I probably didn’t actually do any real helping or saving. When she would get upset and have one of her panic attacks I would just give her some pot to smoke to make the pain go away. The years went by and we moved forward with our lives and actually bought a house together. She had infertility problems and thought she could never get pregnant again. Then 13 years later… she got pregnant and we had our daughter.
Back to my parents again for just a moment. My mom passed away 4 years ago. It was very hard on me and I felt guilty because I hadn't seen her in a few years. Probably because of how embarresed I was of the life I grew up in. My dad was in horrible shape and I talked him into moving by me which was about 20 hours away. He actually moved in with us for a little bit but that didn't work out well so found an apartment of his own. He began drinking very heavily. It actually seemed crazy to me because I always saw my mom as more of the alcoholic and I actually really looked up to my dad though now I realize I never should have. There were countless fights with my wife over my dad because I was always trying to "save" him and neglected my wife because of it. I've come to realize that she was right about that all along. I now never even speak to my father and thankfully have learned how to stand up to him and stopped trying to always save him.
In my life I have kind of trained myself to hold stuff in and forget my problems. I become emotionally unavailable. I trained myself to forget about everything in my childhood so well that I think I actually did forget about it. I just recently brought it all out and told my wife about it all for the first time. I’ve never told anybody before. I kind of never thought it was a big deal. Because of this, she doesn’t trust me and thinks that I don’t trust her. I told her that I trust her more than anyone else in this world. To be honest, this all came up because she got very depressed and hopeless with our marriage. I was very happy with life especially with the birth of my daughter but apparently my sex drive had begun to die off and stopped being affectionate with my wife. I didn’t even realize.
We’ve been in a really bad place now for the past 6 months or so since this all started. I’ve tried to get some therapy but it didn’t go very well. I think the therapist wasn’t a good fit for me. She was actually my wife’s therapist then we had a few sessions together and then just me. I’m now trying self help books and websites like this to work on myself because I think that is the key to work on myself. This is the first time I have ever tried to open up and admit to anyone and even to myself that my life was as bad as it was growing up. A big problem that she has is when we talk and it goes to where I did things wrong and hurt her, I get quiet and shut down. I know that I do this. I can't help but feel like everything is my fault even when it's not. I'm trying to change that about myself with all my self discovery and healing but I know it's going to be a long road. Unfortunately, I don't have any more time. The biggest problem right now though is just how severe of a depression my wife is in right now. She even talks of just not wanting to live anymore. She feels that nobody loves her. I was always her rock and only tried to love her. Now that I’m depressed myself and trying to help myself start to heal I just simply can’t be the same as I used to be. Also... neither of us have any friends, nobody to talk and vent to. So we talk and vent to each other which is very unhealthy when it's about each other! I don’t know what to do. I'm now lost myself. Sorry to go on for so long. Thank you to all that stayed and read all of this. I just hope someone has some sort of advice for me.
I have found this group to be slow on the communication side. In your story you mentioned about your parents. Have you thought of joining the adult children site here as well? It's a bit more active than this one and then the al-anon one is very busy.
For myself I've found that I need all the groups at different times. There's a lot to learn from each of them.
I'm sorry to read about your pain. If you keep coming back and focus on yourself, things will get better for you.
Thank you very much for the suggestion. I actually joined all three of these together. I sure do hope that this helps.n Now that I've sctually started to find myself and try to heal, I seem to be more lost than ever!!
Welcome to MIP! Sounds like you will be getting to know the various facets of this community well . This board is the youngest of the MIP forums and Tracey is correct, it is a little slower as we don't have the membership numbers to support quick responses.
But we are so glad you are here and I am sorry you are hurting right now. I remember feeling as you do and I think you are on the right path. Reaching out for help and starting to work on yourself is a really good choice. No one can tell the future, but I can tell you from experience regardless of the outcome the work you do on yourself will be invaluable and improve your life.
For me, I found a sponsor and worked the steps. It made a profound impact on my life. There is a lot of love, support, and fellowship to be found in the rooms (face to face and virtual) but for me nothing even measured up to sitting down and doing the work ... step by step. Then I just continue to work, stir things up, ask questions, keep looking and trying new things. I want to continue to grow.
I could not save the relationship I came into recovery to save, as much I as tried to change and grow I could not do it all by myself, but I have no regrets. I saved myself. That is all I am responsible for.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Hi Jay, I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. I have learned from experience it is hard sometimes when people get help for themselves as codependents; we are always taking care of the people we love that they are not used to taking care of us. I think it is wonderful that you are discovering all the possibilities to heal and your life believe it or not will get better. I think possibly your wife is used to you always focused on her, and since she is depressed that she is afraid of loosing the man she fell in love with. She doesn't realize that you will be better for the both of you in the mean time. Sometimes you don't click with the first therapists you meet and need to try another till you find who is right for you.
I am in my 18 year with my husband and we have been going through an extremely rough patch due to things that happened in the past we couldn't deal with at the time. I am sad a lot of the time because I love him deeply and feel he doesn't feel the same as I do. My stepdaughter with him I adopted eventually we met when she was 3. The biggest way I found to be a great stepmom was to make sure she knew I wasn't competing with her mom. Me and my Husband made an agreement from the beginning that whatever our problems were with her mother we would never discuss around her. We never wanted her to feel as if she had to choose, or alienate her due to our feelings about her mom. When she was 12 we found out she was being abused and she was able to come to us because she knew we wouldn't judge or lash out at her mom. I always gave her messages from her mom, and always let her know that I would love her no matter what. I just wanted to make her Dad happy and be a part of their lives. I befriended her mother because it was best for her; she was going to be in my life like it or not, and it was important to show goodwill in front of my babygirl. I don't know your situation but if he feels that you disrespect his father or worse hate him, that could be part of the animosity. If that is the reason it is never to late to apologize or start a better relationship. The most important part is patience and listening; ask him what you can do to make the relationship better, tell him how you honestly feel about him and his mom and you want to make a new start if possible.
As for your wife I know all I need from my husband is simple: to know that he loves me no matter what, that even if things change we will still end up together and loving gestures as simple as kiss me once a day, cuddle with me and let me feel how much you still care; and mostly if he is upset let me know if it doesn't have to do with us, and if it does lets figure it out. If your wife is still seeking therapy she is going through changes too and may just need to know you love her no matter what and although you may be changing that will never change. I just had memories surface of abuse from when I was 7 years old, and I haven't told my husband because I am so afraid he will see me differently and god forbid not want to be close with me ever again. I want to talk to him about it and just am a coward. Keep in mind all that you are going through is very different for your wife, part of her depression may be about things she can't tell you yet. me and my husband stopped talking to our friends as well and you need to have a separate therapist, use these forums and get things out with yourself first and not always lean on her. My husband was going through so much that I ended up physically ill from holding it all in; I couldn't talk to him about what was going on and I had no where to let it out. He became so needy and I was in my own hell and on overload. I know I used to think my husband wouldn't care if I died, until he was a mess when I was sick and almost died. You need to let her know how you would feel if you lost her and be completely honest; then you need to let her know you working on yourself will not change your love for her and continue your progress. If you don't believe things will and can get worse. I have been living it and afraid to work on myself.
I hope this helped a little, in the end you can't take care of anyone else if you don't take care of you. The only way to get over things is to face it head on and not act like is isn't happening. My mom used to always tell me, wherever you go, You take YOU with you. It used to piss me off to no end because I knew she was right. Moving, smoking pot, shoving it down the only way to get rid of it is to face it and move through it. Good Luck and I do understand what you are going through. I went through many years of therapy, some inpatient (may be a good idea for your wife if she is that depressed) and years of CODA meetings and Adult children of Alcoholics. I was great until my daughter became suicidal and I lost my family and now I have to go back to the basics to get me back.
I am new to this as well. My MIL (even though not legally married, I call her my mother-in-law) told me that I am codependent as well as her son and she told me to read some books and articles and gave this website as a starting place to look towards healing and attempting to repair not only our relationship, but my relationship with her son. Reading your story a lot of things sound similar to mine, except my relationship of 11 years has been very rocky for the last 18 months or so, I am losing any hope that it will get better and happy like it used to be. My significant other suffers from bipolar and depression, but refuses to take medication for it. He is very distant from me and has pretty much completely shut me out of his life. It is like we are roommates in the same house, not lovers in a relationship. He came from a home without a father, although for a short time he had a step-dad father figure, but his father was never around and is now deceased. I came from a father that abandoned me, then was adopted by my mother's new husband who was verbally, mentally, and sometimes physically abusive, parents fought all the time, house was a disaster, a lot of responsibility was put on me at a young age, as a teenager nothing I did was good enough and I was always "lying" even if I was telling the truth, he thought I was lying. I moved out as soon as I turned 18 and stayed with my grandparents for almost a year, then I moved out on my own at 19 and that's when I went crazy. I was that girl looking for love in all the wrong places, thinking sex meant love, and the process of that met my current man and moved very fast, moved in after only 2 months and been together ever since. Its been good and its been bad. I have always thought I was "saving" him cause he has been suicidal pretty much all his life, even as a child his mother said. I thought I would "save" him, make him what to live and be happy, but nothing changes. He has happy times, but more sad times and depressed times. He blames me a lot. I am at a point where I love him but I hate him too. I want to get back to just loving him and having a family and raising our kids together, which I why I am taking my MIL's advice and looking into these groups. I think he is more codependent then I am, but I am learning all about what that means, so maybe I am too because I grew up with dysfunction and unhealthy relationship and my bio dad is an alcoholic druggie who chose that life over his first two children and went on to have 5 more kids that he raised!
Let me start of by saying that I am very new to all of this. I’m just starting in my recovery process and honestly just recently realized how screwed up my childhood actually was. I’ve never posted anything on any message board before and I just started really even looking at them.
I am in desperate need of some advice and help. My marriage is completely falling apart and I want to fix it.
Jay, without going through your entire story, I can only say that studying and USING good relationship skills, from books and on line, kept my last marriage (wife just passed over) alive and well for many years.
I was very happy with life especially with the birth of my daughter but apparently my sex drive had begun to die off and stopped being affectionate with my wife. I didn’t even realize.
I had a similar thing like that happen when I suddenly developed Erectile Dysfunction and the serious mistake we both made was NOT to talk about it even though we were both veterans of Sharing Meetings! I could explain why I did not talk about it but it would take up a few pages so I will just say that we SHOULD have talked about what happened to me and worked it out as best we could since we both knew about healthy, productive relationship skills!
We’ve been in a really bad place now for the past 6 months or so since this all started. I’ve tried to get some therapy but it didn’t go very well. I think the therapist wasn’t a good fit for me. She was actually my wife’s therapist then we had a few sessions together and then just me. I’m now trying self help books and websites like this to work on myself because I think that is the key to work on myself. This is the first time I have ever tried to open up and admit to anyone and even to myself that my life was as bad as it was growing up. A big problem that she has is when we talk and it goes to where I did things wrong and hurt her, I get quiet and shut down.
Relationship skills can help you with keeping the discussion going and getting past "rough" spots. A good therapist could also teach both of you how to effectively communicate. I never found much help in that regard in sharing meetings other than the mental/emotional support they can give us. Meetings did give me the courage and permission to OPEN UP about my family and past so, combining meetings with relationship skills teachings helped me a lot!
I know that I do this. I can't help but feel like everything is my fault even when it's not. I'm trying to change that about myself with all my self discovery and healing but I know it's going to be a long road. Unfortunately, I don't have any more time.
Then don't let it be a "long road"!
The biggest problem right now though is just how severe of a depression my wife is in right now. She even talks of just not wanting to live anymore. She feels that nobody loves her. I was always her rock and only tried to love her. Now that I’m depressed myself and trying to help myself start to heal I just simply can’t be the same as I used to be. Also... neither of us have any friends, nobody to talk and vent to.
IMO, that is what sharing meetings are for. To say things that we can't say to folks outside of the meetings!
So we talk and vent to each other which is very unhealthy when it's about each other!
Relationship skills will teach you both HOW to talk about difficult topics without going into defensive or offensive reactions or over-reactions. It's a SKILL that has to be studied, learned and USED.
good luck working things out.
-- Edited by jimrich on Saturday 8th of October 2016 06:03:15 PM
. This board is the youngest of the MIP forums and Tracey is correct, it is a little slower as we don't have the membership numbers to support quick responses.