Hi.
I haven't posted here in a long time.
I am powerless over others. This is what I'm reminding myself today.
I have been so good in keeping the focus on me and my recovery. It's been over a year since I join this forum and started to go to another 12 step group that's similar to CoDA.
For several months now I'm been detaching from a friend with whom I can easily get sucked in a codependent relationship. I have severed contact with him for all these months. Last week he called an wanted to get together for dinner. Well we made arrangements to meet. Wouldn't you know the SOB cancelled out because of a conflict of schedule. WYF! This as not my idea and poor Codepedent me expected things to be different this time. Nooooo! Same patterns he's doing all over again. They say that expectations are premeditated disappointment. I don't want to relapse so I'm reaching out for help.
James.
Hi JT, Thank You for the post. I seem to have the same ideas as yourself. In a Al Anon book I read "Don't go into a hardware store looking for a loaf of bread". What !!!!!!!! After many attempts I accepted. I insisted on arguing with the hardware store clerk that there must be a loaf of bread somewhere in this store. I cannot explain why I was the way I was. Recovery from myself. I began to learn. Feeling good feels better than feeling bad. Nothing to be afraid of. Baby steps. Wayne
I went through a similar situation recently. I was giving someone I didn't really trust to treat me in a healthy way another chance. Knowing this ahead of time when they didn't only cancel, but just completely no response at all - stood me up, I was not surprised but still disappointed. I am human. I am going to feel. Here are things I did differently now that I am recovery.
I was not angry with him. I felt compassion for him because he is still in an unhealthy place driven by fear.
I set boundaries. I very nicely told him I can not tolerate this behavior in my life and to no longer contact me.
I didn't take it personally.
I let myself feel my feelings and did things to take care of myself. I meditated, swam, ate well and walked through the negative feelings until they were gone.
Then you know what?
I went and did what I invited him to anyway, by myself. (Zip lining!)
Expecting not to have disappointments in life is a little unrealistic on my part. In fact, it just deepens my disappointment when it happens because I think I am not supposed to feel this way. I am not doing good recovery. Blah. There is no magic pill or 12 steps that are going to completely remove disappointment from my life. It is just up to us to learn how to navigate it in a way that it does the least damage to us and others. Living these prinicipals in my life also has decreased the disappointment tremendously, but it will never go away. That is one expectation I was glad to let go of.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Thanks for the reminder that I can't find bread in a hardware store. I've heard that in my Alanon meetings. I have been doing so well in Learning to detach but my codependency comes out in the stinking thinking that perhaps this or that person should be given another chance. I guess that's why CoDA refers to this as an addiction because it can crop up anytime.
Two steps forward, one step backwards. But it's still progress.
Two steps forward, one step backwards. But it's still progress. That seems to suggest we double our forward progress. That is good news. The cunning, baffling, powerful, part of my codependency bums me out at times. What keeps me moving towards healthy self respect and Love is the fact I feel cleaner and more free. Every now and again the saying "When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired" ( nasty) snaps me out of it. I need that shake less and less as I move on. Gratitude Wayne
