Step Study: Step Two - Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group

willing · Guru

Step Study: Step Two

Miao · Guru

Step Two -Came to Believe that a power great than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

willing · Guru

RE: Step Two

dpmatchitt · Veteran Member

I'm so sorry, was this for me? I haven't started yet. I seem to be caught up elsewhere, but really need to get on to this soon. I just don't know where to begin. Sorry

willing · Guru

What book are you using a guide through the steps? Have you read the second step?

I struggled because I felt I had to fully understand the steps before I moved to the next one. Turns out it was pretty simple at first and I learned more and I continued on and then led others through the steps.

(paraphrasing)

Step 1: I am powerless and my life was completely unmanageable. Uncomfortable but true.

Step 2: Believe a HP could restore me to sanity. I stumbled a bit here because I am agnostic and the whole "HP" thing was a very large subject all on its own. It didn't have to be that difficult. It could be my fellowship or many other things, as long as I am willing to let go / turn it over and believe that with the help of outside sources I could heal. I wasn't going to get better on my own, the thinking I had been using to date got me into the pickle in the first place.

Both steps are MUCH deeper than that but it takes time and practice to peel away the layers of the steps and they grow on me as time goes on. But initially, if I had waited to fully comprehend them (which I still probably don't), it would have halted my progress.

Let us know how it is going, if you are stuck or are having difficulties - let us know what they are. Perhaps we can share our difficulties and how we moved past them and that may help.

Keep going. It is SOOOOO worth it. YOU are worth it.

Willing

willing · Guru

As always, Mr. Sponsorpants says it a million time better than I ever could. To go along with my sentements about Step 2 ...

change your world

We talk about it in various ways, both in meetings and AA literature: Alcoholism is a disease of perception, the problem for the alcoholic centers in the mind, etc., etc.

The 12 Steps are a process which literally allows us -- via the creation of a "psychic change" or, more commonly, a spiritual experience -- to alter that null-sum equation and re-wire how we think, thus transforming our entire life. Yes, we become free from alcohol -- but eventually sobriety becomes so much more. Lived with willingness and depth, a life of sobriety via AA is like a release from prison, or walking away from a wheelchair, or finally breathing free.

But to get there, I had to admit (Step alert!) and address the problem.

As is so often the case with me, what I believe the problem to be is not the problem at all. Ironically, ultimately, the problem was not my drinking.

The problem was my thinking.

And to believe I could solve that problem on my own is believing that I could solve the problem with the problem.

That's... not a good plan.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

This part is amazingly true for me. I am not an alcoholic, but the 12 steps had equal effect on my life.

" Lived with willingness and depth, a life of sobriety via AA is like a release from prison, or walking away from a wheelchair, or finally breathing free."

Sivasakti · Member

I guess I'm a little different in that my higher power found me first and started guiding my steps before I realised I was seriously codependent. When I look back on my last 3 years, I can see that my higher power has been slowly restoring me to sanity. I became homeless after leaving my ex and ended up in a few different shelters and living situation before I ended up with some nuns who sort of nursed me back to health spiritually and emotionally as well as providing me with a place to stay. After moving on from there, I went back to volunteer. I still volunteer a few days a week at their home for homeless women. To be able to be with and comfort these women who are where I was is immensely satisfying. Its not that I do anything in particular. Its just being there and being of service in whatever small ways that I can. Sometimes its just a "hello" or a smile or serving them food... I see myself in them. I am them and they are me. Some have had bad relationships, abusive ones too and sometimes I get an opportunity to talk to them if they are willing. I am able to help them as stated above: "as you change and grow, you help others, and then they help others". I believe my higher power is guiding me to be more... to be there (for these women) for some higher purpose. I keep going because as stated above: "This step is simply about believing that the insanity can be removed - even if just for a moment." In those moments that I'm there, the insanity is removed and with gratitude, forgotten. I leave there feeling light and happy.

Oaktwig · Member

Activities

1. What are the activities that bring you hope and help you believe things are OK and will be OK? Going to meetings? Talking with recovering people? Reading recovery literature? Name those who have helped you to believe the most in your future.
My husband helps as much as he can. He has some of the same issues in his family we are discovering. The recovery people here. Self help books.

2. How have your ideas changed about what it means to be restored to sanity? Have your expectations about recovery changed? What do you expect from recovery now that is different from what you expected when you first began recovering?

I first expected happiness with the family in one big happy group. Now I expect peace.

3. For now, how do you define a Power greater than yourself? Do you believe that Power cares about you?
My Higher Power is the energy that permeates the universe. No I don't believe that it has that capability.

4. What is a reasonable plan of self-care for you to help you continue to believe that recovery can, and will, work for you? Look again at your ideas in question 1 above.
Keep reading recovery literature and talking about it with my husband. I read recovery self help books at night before bed. Working the steps online and the action steps from Codependent No More. Ask questions - rinse and repeat!

5. What has been done for others in recovery that you would like to happen for yourself? Do you believe it is possible?
Gain peace. Yes.

6. Make a list of areas in your life where you would like to be restored. Your goals will be more effective if they center around restoring your own life rather than someone else’s.
I want to restore myself to a time where I feel in sync with the universe, not fighting for everything. Peace and contentment.
Immune to gameplay, manipulation, lies.
Worthy of respect and getting it from others.
Worthy of love and getting it from others.
No longer afraid of being abandoned.
No longer waiting for someone else to do anything besides work. Working for myself, my family.
Doing things I love. Knowing what the heck those things are.

__________________

willing · Guru

Thank you so much for your shares. I am now inspired to go back to the local shelter. Trying to volunteer there was difficult, but I gave up pretty easily. I just gave them money every month instead. Little embarrassed about that. I have also wanted to volunteer at the children's group home so I think I will give them a call today.

Thank you for the inspiration. Being of service ... there is nothing better to heal the soul and learn love and acceptance.

Willing

Sivasakti · Member

Thank you willing. I love the step work. Its really helping me a lot.
Activities

1. What are the activities that bring you hope and help you believe things are OK and will be OK? Going to meetings? Talking with recovering people? Reading recovery literature? Name those who have helped you to believe the most in your future.
Going to coda meetings. I am still listening to others and hope to get up the courage to share. I love the step work. Its really helping me a lot. I like this site and reading the stories of others. I feel not so isolated then. I volunteer with nuns (missionaries of charity - mother teresa's nuns) and they give love so easily and unconditionally. Its very soothing to be around them. They help me in more ways than I can ever say or thank them for.

2. How have your ideas changed about what it means to be restored to sanity? Have your expectations about recovery changed? What do you expect from recovery now that is different from what you expected when you first began recovering?
Everything is changing. I just want to be whole again. I feel like a diseased person who needs medicine. My medicine is coda, this site, my volunteering, prayer and meditation. Talking it out.

3. For now, how do you define a Power greater than yourself? Do you believe that Power cares about you?
This power is a loving energy that seems to be guiding my steps. I'm ever so grateful to be led where its taking me. Because of what I've experienced in the last little while, I know It cares about me.

4. What is a reasonable plan of self-care for you to help you continue to believe that recovery can, and will, work for you? Look again at your ideas in question 1 above.
Coda meetings, prayer, meditation, talking it out (sharing in coda), volunteering, writing

5. What has been done for others in recovery that you would like to happen for yourself? Do you believe it is possible?
To be able to identify what is happening when its happening instead of fantasising or controlling things. To be whole. To say and identify my own feelings. Yes, I feel like I'm headed in that direction.

6. Make a list of areas in your life where you would like to be restored. Your goals will be more effective if they center around restoring your own life rather than someone else’s.
Finances, immediate family (my children, especially my youngest daughter), home and having a real home... to stop being a nomad once in for all.

willing · Guru

I am so excited for you. Step work is amazing, but not easy. Congrats on sitting down and doing the work.

Keep going! We are here for you.

Willing

Sivasakti · Member

Thx Willing.

willing · Guru

bump

AJ · Veteran Member

Activities

1. What are the activities that bring you hope and help you believe things are OK and will be OK? Going to meetings? Talking with recovering people? Reading recovery literature? Name those who have helped you to believe the most in your future.
Being with people in recovery, not only to share but observe. I am a sponge, fascinated by seeing those further along in recovery and how they physically respond with their body language. So many times one can see first hand unconditional love and Real acceptance of the now moment with no strings attached . In those moments I hear my HP say it could be me sooner than I thought. " When in Rome...."

2. How have your ideas changed about what it means to be restored to sanity? Have your expectations about recovery changed? What do you expect from recovery now that is different from what you expected when you first began recovering?

I thought at first that recovery brings sanity. I thought if I FIXED me meaning, that if I did not control people or circumstances in order to ward of tragedy and turmoil, did not advise without being asked, and be selective of whom I associated with that it would give a final result. I have since realized many years later those practices are a daily practices till the end just like brushing my hair but do not alone bring sanity. Restored to sanity for me lies in the moments of conscience awareness that I put me first without guilt, shame or fear for what I really want, need or prefer. I expect to gain even greater serenity and grow a richer self That I love no matter what.

3. For now, how do you define a Power greater than yourself? Do you believe that Power cares about you?
My HP is the greater power of the universe, personified as God who has created me for a life of abundance and happiness. My HP has equipped me with all gifts and tools to achieve the great things for which I was created but will love me freely and allow me to choose how to use them, providing me countless opportunity to succeed at their use. My HP also allows me to be responsible for my choices and the receiving of my consequences both good and bad.

4. What is a reasonable plan of self-care for you to help you continue to believe that recovery can, and will, work for you? Look again at your ideas in question 1 above.
Love ME unconditionally.
Cut myself some slack.
Provide myself support with positive talk, eating healthy, resting when I need rest free of guilt. Coda meetings, boards and books, staying open to new awakenings and forgiving myself and others who both have caused great hurt.

5. What has been done for others in recovery that you would like to happen for yourself? Do you believe it is possible?
To acquire an abundance of people in my inner circle who allow me to speak how I feel and hear me sincerely without a sound. Oh Yes it can.

6. Make a list of areas in your life where you would like to be restored. Your goals will be more effective if they center around restoring your own life rather than someone else’s.
A Positive relationship with me, one as a Free spirit and filled with joy and laughter
Staying vigilant to a Tranquil daily routine without accepting upheavals by outside sources
Overcome manipulation by others through a greater understanding of detachment
Self-confidence that protects me and my own interests that resonates from me calmly and peacefully

ironicmartyr · Veteran Member

1. What are the activities that bring you hope and help you believe things are OK and will be OK? Going to meetings? Talking with recovering people? Reading recovery literature? Name those who have helped you to believe the most in your future.

MEDITATING, PRAYER, TALKING WITH RECOVERED PEOPLE, JOURNALING. I ALSO PLAN TO READ MORE OF THE LITERATURE AND TRY OUT A F2F MEETING. BELIVE MOST IN MY FUTURE: MARION (PREVIOUS SPIRITUAL MENTOR), MY HUSBAND.

2. How have your ideas changed about what it means to be restored to sanity? Have your expectations about recovery changed? What do you expect from recovery now that is different from what you expected when you first began recovering?

SANITY MEANS CLARITY AND PEACE, DESPITE ANYTHING GOING ON - EVEN CHAOS. IT'S THE QUIET IN THE STORM. IT'S FEELING WHOLE AND COMPLETE, AND INFINITELY LOVED BEYOND REASON. WHEN I FIRST BEGAN RECOVERY IT WAS FOCUSED ON USING DRUGS AS A MEDICATION FOR UNHAPPINESS. IT WAS USEFUL AND TURNED MY LIFE AROUND YET DID NOT FOCUS ON THE LIFELONG PROBLEM OF LIVING MY LIFE FOR OTHERS. ULTIMATELY, THAT WAS THE REASON I QUIT DOING THE STEPS / LEFT THE COMMUNITY. I NOW HAVE MORE CLARITY IN THAT AREA AND SEE WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE

3. For now, how do you define a Power greater than yourself? Do you believe that Power cares about you?

MY IDEA OF A HIGHER POWER HAS MORPHED THROUGH THE YEARS. I WAS AGNOSTIC, AND IN A DRUG REHAB GOD FOUND ME AND COMFORTED ME AND I FELT HIS PRESENCE/HEARD HIM. THERE WAS A CONSTANT DIALOGUE -- I HAD GENUINE QUESTIONS AND HAD NO CLUE OF THE ANSWER. I ASKED GOD AND IMMEDIATELY KNEW WHICH WAY TO GOD. I WAS IN DIRECT COMMUNICATION THROUGHOUT THE DAY EVERY DAY. I FELT LOVED AND APPRECIATED AND ADORED BY MY CREATOR. I WOULD ASK FOR SIGNS AND NEARLY DAILY WOULD GET THOSE SIGNS. I WAS BAFFLED - IT WAS AMAZING. THE WORLD WAS MAGICAL. AFTER SO MANY YEARS OF CRYING OUT TO HIM AFTER I RELAPSED, I SLIPPED FURTHER AND FURTHER INTO BELIEVING I HAD DISAPPOINTED HIM. HE TURNED HIS BACK ON ME. ABANDONED ME LIKE MY OWN PARENTS DID EMOTIONALLY (YES I SEE THE BELIEF ROOTS). NOW, I'M WONDERING IF HE'S STILL THE SAME GOD I BELIEVED IN, OR IF HE'S JUST MORE OF AN ENERGY IN EVERYONE/EVERYTHING. EITHER WAY, I KNOW THAT HP IS BRIMMING FULL OF LOVE AND LIGHT AND CAN RESTORE ME.

4. What is a reasonable plan of self-care for you to help you continue to believe that recovery can, and will, work for you? Look again at your ideas in question 1 above.

MEDITATING, PRAYER, TALKING WITH RECOVERED PEOPLE, JOURNALING, READ MORE OF THE LITERATURE, MEETINGS

5. What has been done for others in recovery that you would like to happen for yourself? Do you believe it is possible?

I WAS ONLY TRULY WORKING THE STEPS AND IN RECOVERY FOR LESS THAN 6 MONTHS. HENCE, I HAVEN'T SEEN MANY TRANSFORMATIONS. HOWEVER, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE MY OWN TRANSFORMATION SIMILAR AGAIN. IT WAS A TESTIMONY LIKE I HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE. I KNOW ITS POSSIBLE. I'M READY

6. Make a list of areas in your life where you would like to be restored. Your goals will be more effective if they center around restoring your own life rather than someone else’s.

I WANT TO HAVE MORE FAITH IN GOD TAKING MY PROBLEMS AWAY. I WANT TO GIVE UP CONTROL EASIER. I WANT TO RELY ON MY HUSBAND LESS TO MEET MY HIGH EMOTIONAL DEMANDS. I WANT TO BE A MORE LOVING, PATIENT MOTHER WITHOUT NEEDING TO CONTROL MY CHILDREN. I WANT TO WORRY LESS. I WANT TO FILL FULFILLED. I WANT TO FEEL THE PRESENCE OF MY HP. I WANT TO BE UTTERLY HAPPY. I WANT TO NOT CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK - FROM FRIENDS, TO IN LAWS, TO FAMILY, TO FACEBOOK RANDOMS. I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE FOR ME. I WANT TO CAP OUT ON MY POTENTIAL. I WANT TO BE USED BY MY HP TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE ON THE WORLD WITHOUT IT COMING FROM A PLACE OF FEELING NEEDED BY OTHERS.

ironicmartyr · Veteran Member

HERE'S ANOTHER STEP TWO QUESTIONAIRE (WITH RECOMMENDED READING)

Step 2
Co-Dependents Anonymous 2nd Step:  “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
Co-Dependents Anonymous 2nd Promise:  “I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity, and dignity.”
*
Suggested Reading
CoDA Blue Book pp. 31-35; Newcomers may also want to read Chapters 1 & 2.
12 Step Handbook: Step 2 (pages 11-14).
“CoDA 12 Steps & 12 Traditions Workbook – Steps 1,2,3” : Step 2 is on pages 14-15.

Exercises
These exercises can help you work the 2nd Step. In other words, they allow you to get into the feelings and specifics and not just rush through the Step. A time limit can help keep the task manageable; it is a way to set a boundary and feel safe rather than overwhelmed. For example, you may say to yourself, “I will write for 15 minutes tonight.” Set a timer and let yourself stop when it goes off. Consider “book-ending” with your exercises. Book-ending means telling someone, or your meeting, that you plan to do something, then telling them afterwards that you did it. It can help you show up for yourself. Finally, be gentle, and remember that sharing and reading about a Step is also part of working the Steps.

 1. Write freely on the 2nd Step for a set period of time. What does the 2nd Step mean to you? Don’t edit or over-analyze. Just write.

IT MEANS THAT I GIVE OVER EVERYTHING TO MY HP -- NOT JUST THINGS I DONT THINK I WANT. IT ALSO INCLUDES GIVING HIM THE THINGS I THINK I NEED, DESERVE, OR ARE UNWILLING TO GIVE UP (LIKE MY PERCEIVED CONTROL OF OTHERS). IT MEANS LETTING GO. FEELING RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY SELF, ALL AREAS OF MY LIFE, AND THE LIVES OF OTHERS IS EXHAUSTING!!!! IT MAKES ME MORE FRANTIC, MORE ANXIOUS, MORE STRESSED. IT'S TOO MUCH TO HANDLE. STEP TWO MEANS KNOWING MY HIGHER POWER CAN TAKE ALL OF THAT AWAY AND LEAVE ME WITH HAPPINESS AND PEACE.

2. Write freely about Higher Power. What is that for you? If the concept of a Higher Power is hard for you, why is that? What comes up? Is there a concept that works for you? (For example: Nature, the fellowship of CoDA, God, the Universe, Wisdom, Love, etc.)

MY IDEA OF A HIGHER POWER HAS MORPHED THROUGH THE YEARS. I WAS AGNOSTIC, AND IN A DRUG REHAB GOD FOUND ME AND COMFORTED ME AND I FELT HIS PRESENCE/HEARD HIM. THERE WAS A CONSTANT DIALOGUE -- I HAD GENUINE QUESTIONS AND HAD NO CLUE OF THE ANSWER. I ASKED GOD AND IMMEDIATELY KNEW WHICH WAY TO GOD. I WAS IN DIRECT COMMUNICATION THROUGHOUT THE DAY EVERY DAY. I FELT LOVED AND APPRECIATED AND ADORED BY MY CREATOR. I WOULD ASK FOR SIGNS AND NEARLY DAILY WOULD GET THOSE SIGNS. I WAS BAFFLED - IT WAS AMAZING. THE WORLD WAS MAGICAL. AFTER SO MANY YEARS OF CRYING OUT TO HIM AFTER I RELAPSED, I SLIPPED FURTHER AND FURTHER INTO BELIEVING I HAD DISAPPOINTED HIM. HE TURNED HIS BACK ON ME. ABANDONED ME LIKE MY OWN PARENTS DID EMOTIONALLY (YES I SEE THE BELIEF ROOTS). NOW, I'M WONDERING IF HE'S STILL THE SAME GOD I BELIEVED IN, OR IF HE'S JUST MORE OF AN ENERGY IN EVERYONE/EVERYTHING. EITHER WAY, I KNOW THAT HP IS BRIMMING FULL OF LOVE AND LIGHT AND CAN RESTORE ME.

3. Discuss your relationship with your Higher Power in your childhood. Did you transfer traits from parents or other authority figures? For example, punishment or abandonment…. What feelings come up?

WHILE I WAS PRETTY AGNOSTIC - MY IDEAS OF A HIGHER POWER WERE OF AUTHORITY, OBEDIENCE, AND DOMINEERING (MUCH LIKE MY PARENTS). BIBLE STORIES OF GOD COMMANDING BLOOD BE SPILLED IN THE STREETS OF HIS ENEMIES OR PEOPLE WHO MADE POOR CHOICES SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME. THE BIBLE'S GOD SEEMED ANGRY AND FULL OF VENGENCE, SPITE. I FEARED DISOBEYING. I FEARED MAKING THE WRONG CHOICE AND BEING DAMNED. WHEN I DID "MEET" MY H.P. I WAS FULL OF LOVE AND TRULY FELT THERE HAD TO BE SOME CONFUSION -- THE GOD I KNEW COULDN'T HAVE DONE ANY OF THAT TO HIS BELOVED PEOPLE. I DECIDED A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HIGHER POWER MADE FOR MORE SECURITY, MORE PEACE, MORE HAPPINESS THAN GOING THE ROUTE OF CHURCH AND BEING INTIMIDATED BY A HARSH GOD. YET, I FEARED BEING WRONG. MY CHRISTIAN FAMILY MEMBERS TELLING ME I WAS WRONG HELPED ADD TO THE CONFUSION, BUT I STOOD BY MY CONVICTIONS. I KNEW THEM IN MY HEART. ONCE I RELAPSED, OLD VIEWS OF A DOMINATING, SCORNFUL GOD RE-SURFACED. I COULDN'T HEAR/FEEL HIM AND I ASSUMED HE WAS DISAPPOINTED IN ME - HAD ABANDONED ME. FOR YEARS I TOLD MYSELF THAT I PLACED THE BARRIER THERE, NOT HIM, AND I BEGGED HIM TO REMOVE THE BARRIER I PLACED BETWEEN US BECAUSE I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO DO IT MYSELF. I BEGGED. BUT I NEVER HEARD ANYTHING. THE "DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL" LASTED NEARLY A DECADE AT VARYING DEGREES.

4.      Consider the traits of a Higher Power (“HP”) with whom you would like to have a relationship. Keep a running list. Or try cutting out pictures and images from magazines and making a collage of your “HP.” Listen to others talk about their HP and “take what you like.” Pick and choose different traits. Allow your concept to grow and change.

THE HP I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH IS THE EXACT ONE I FOUND THROUGH 12 STEPS MANY YEARS AGO. KIND, BENEVOLENT, PATIENT, NON-JUDGING, NON-DAMNING, NON-CONDEMNING. PURE LOVE. FILLS MY HEART AND SPIRIT IN A PHYSICAL WAY I CANNOT DENY. BRINGS A PEACE TO MY LIFE LIKE NOTHING HAS BEFORE. HOLDS ME IN HIS ARMS SO THAT I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ONE SINGLE THING. LIFE IS LIKE WALKING ON WATER. CAN I WALK ON WATER? OF COURSE NOT! BUT IF I CLOSE MY EYES, TRUST IN HIM, AND PLACE ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER - THE ROCKS WILL ALWAYS APPEAR UNDER THEM. I DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHICH DIRECTION TO GO IN LIFE EVEN DOWN TO THE TINIEST DETAILS OF EVERYDAY LIFE -- THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS THERE AS LONG AS I PUSH MY BRAIN OUT OF IT. ALL STRESS IS GONE FROM EVERYDAY LIFE -- EVEN TRAFFIC. LIFE IS LIVED WITH CONSTANT GIGGLES AND PURE, LIGHTHEARTED JOY. MY HP IS GOOFY, AND APPRECIATES MY SILLY HUMOR. I FEEL I SHARE QUIET MOMENTS OF WARM HUMOR WITH HIM. MY HIGHER POWER GIVES ME DAILY SIGNS IN THE PHYSICAL WORLD THAT HE IS WITH ME, AND ANSWERS MY QUESTIONS WITH NEARLY IMMEDIATE SIGNS WHETHER THE ANSWER BE PLACED ON MY HEART, SEEN IN A BILLBOARD/BOOK/RADIO TALK SHOW AS SOON AS I ASK IT. WITH MY HIGHER POWER, I FEEL CLARITY AND SEE THE WORLD IN A KALEIDOSCOPE OF PURE BEAUTY. I SEE THE AWE-INSPIRING MAGIC IN THE SUNRISE, AND THE STUNNING BEAUTY OF A TREE, FLOWER, MEADOW, OR LAKE. ORDINARY THINGS SEEM TO SPARKLE AND DANCE - AS THOUGH I HAD NEVER SEEN THE WORLD BEFORE. WITH MY HIGHER POWER I FEEL SAFE, I FEEL SPECIAL, I FEEL LOVED AND WHOLENESS. LIFE IS PERFECT AND IT ALL STARTED WITH HANDING HIM EVERYTHING.

5.      Put aside some time to get to know your Higher Power. Perhaps create a quiet ritual, a visualization or meditation. Consider saying the 2nd Step Prayer (12 Step Handbook page 14) each day for a while. Think of it as developing a friendship, slowly over time.

6.      Who in your life have you allowed to be a Higher Power? List the people (or things). Who have you acted as a Higher Power over? How is controlling related to being a Higher Power?

MY HUSBAND. I EXPECT HIM TO MEET MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS AND AM CONSTANTLY HURT/DISAPPOINTED. REALLY, I MADE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING MY HIGHER POWER AS I LOOKED TO APPROVAL FROM EVERYONE. I THOUGHT OF HOW FACEBOOK MEMBERS WOULD VIEW ME WITH EACH POSTED PICTURE/COMMENT AS EMBARRASSING AS IT IS TO ADMIT. I SUCKED IN FOR EVERY PICTURE SINCE A TEEN. I OBSESSED OVER MY EXES AND MY HUSBAND'S EXES. I PONDERED WHAT THEY WOULD THINK AS A PAINTED MY BEAUTIFUL SOCIAL MEDIA MASK. I'M AFRAID TO TELL OTHERS I BELIVE IN MANIFESTING, THE LAW OF ATTRACTION, AND ALL OF THAT OTHER "HOAKEY" STUFF. I'M AFRAID TO TELL OTHERS I'M A PSYCHIC. I'M AFRAID MY FAMILY WILL OUST ME FOR THINKING IT MUST BE WITCHCRAFT/DEVIL STUFF. I'M AFRAID MY IN-LAWS WILL WORRY OVER MY SOUL OR LOOK AT ME FUNNY. ALTHOUGH, WHO CARES?
I'M AFRAID TO DISAPPOINT MY HUSBAND'S MEGA-RELIGIOUS SOUTHERN BAPTIST PARENTS. I WANT THEIR ACCEPTANCE. HERE I AM WRITING A MEMOIR ALL ABOUT MY PAST SEXUAL/EMOTIONAL/MENTAL ABUSE + RAPES AND DRUG PROBLEM AND THEN FINDING GOD, PEACE, DIVINELY GIVEN HEALER/PSYCHIC GIFTS AND I'M TERRIFIED OF OTHERS KNOWING THOSE SECRETS. I'M TERRIFIED THEY'LL THINK I'M WEIRD OR CRAZY OR A WHACK-JOB OR MISGUIDED. I KNOW IF SOMEONE TOLD ME THIS STUFF ABOUT THEM TEN YEARS AGO I WOULD LIKELY HAVE THE SAME REACTION TO THAT "WEIRD CRAP". I WOULD NEVER HAVE BELIEVED IT IF IT DIDN'T JUST COME OUT OF NOWHERE AND APPEAR AS I GOT CLOSE TO GOD.
BUT MOSTLY, I'M JUST SCARED ABOUT WHAT THOSE CLOSEST TO ME WILL THINK. HONESTLY? IT'S IRONIC, RIDICULOUS, AND HILARIOUS. I THINK MY CODEPENDENCY TELLS ME THAT IF I GET THE ACCEPTANCE OF TONS OF READERS OUT THERE THAT FORM A FAMILY/COMMUNITY AROUND ME, THAT I WON'T NEED THE ACCEPTANCE OF THE SUPER RELIGIOUS COMMUNITY I HAVE RIGHT NOW. THAT I COULD JUST TRANSMUTE THOSE NEEDS ONTO NEW PEOPLE. WHAT IF I DIDN'T RELY ON ANY PEOPLE TO MEET THOSE NEEDS? WHAT IF THEY WERE INTRINSICALLY MET?

7. Ask yourself at the end of the day: “Who did I make my Higher Power today?” Did you perform tasks to get outside approval? Out of fear of someone else’s reaction? Perhaps a lover, a parent, your boss or friend felt like HP today. (You may have several “Artificial Higher Powers” per day…)

8. List ways your life is “insane.” Then list some of the sanity in your life. Why does the Step say “restore” us to sanity?

READ ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE OR IN STEP ONE WORK. IT'S INSANE. MY CONTROL ISSUES ARE CRAZY AND I HAVE MY HAND IN EVERYTHING. I'M TRYING TO SAVE EVERYONE ELSE. I NEED GOD TO SAVE ME.

9. Exercise: record the way you talk to yourself about yourself. Tape it or write it down, completely unedited. Time it. Record what you actually say, not what you’d like to say, to yourself. Is this a loving and sane way to speak to someone? How would you feel if you heard someone talk this way to a child?

10. Do you try to figure everything out? Is this helpful? How is over-thinking related to Higher Power?

OVERTHINKING PLACES ALL TRUST/POWER/CONTROL IN MY BRAIN AND NOT MY HIGHER POWER. IT SAYS THAT MY HIGHER POWER CANNOT HANDLE IT. IT SAYS THERE IS REASON TO WORRY. I DONT WANT THAT KIND OF RESPONSIBILITY ANYMORE. I WANT TO COAST.

11. Is trust an issue for you? Does it take time to develop trust? How is this related to the 2nd Step?

YES. IT TAKES TIME AND I SCAR QUICKLY. I'M STILL TRYING TO GET OVER SOME VERY SMALL BETRAYALS BY MY HUSBAND 5-6 YEARS AGO. I KNOW I NEED TO LET GO. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT -- I CHOOSE TO GIVE IT TO MY HP.
DESPITE ME THROWING MY ENTIRE LIFE STORY AND PERCEIVED VULNERABILITY AT PEOPLE, I DONT THINK I TRUST THEM VERY MUCH. IT'S MORE OF A FACADE, OR A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO TOSS ASIDE THE SHALLOW CONVERSATIONS AND SLOWED FRIENDSHIP BUILDING, AND FIND SOMEONE SIMILAR -- ONE THE SAME SOUL PATH.

12. Review the questions in the Workbook (Steps 1,2,3), p. 15. Answer any questions that speak to you.

willing · Guru

Bump

Nalia Ellen Grace · Veteran Member

SANITY MEANS CLARITY AND PEACE, DESPITE ANYTHING GOING ON - EVEN CHAOS. IT'S THE QUIET IN THE STORM. IT'S FEELING WHOLE AND COMPLETE, AND INFINITELY LOVED BEYOND REASON.

I just wanted to say, I like that. I am grateful for those words. They helped me. Just finished reading all of the step 2 shares...Am ready to start step two now. Starting with the list of questions above, then....the other list of questions and activities is really good too...I love the idea of listening to myself talking ABOUT ME, recording that, and then listening back....How nice am I to me...? I know I didn't used to be too nice....Im hoping Im better now but am sure there is room 4 improvement. OK, here goes with the first list of questions (see separate post)

Nalia Ellen Grace · Veteran Member

Activities

1. What are the activities that bring you hope and help you believe things are OK and will be OK? Going to meetings? Talking with recovering people? Reading recovery literature? Name those who have helped you to believe the most in your future.

A-Lately, inner child work, learning to love myself has been the most important. I go to an ACA meeting for that and I love it...also an ACA step meeting, working through that step book which is excellent, digs deep! I love all of my meetings, go to OA and CoDA too, and I go to an AA meeting even though that is not one of my addictions. I don't drink, and I easily don't drink...AND I so love the 12 steps, Bill W, the BIG BOOK, and so many recovering alcoholics who are so so amazing, with years of really good recovery, who keep coming back, never stop their journey, know they haven't arrived....this one meeting I go to has so much really amazing recovery and I love it! I read tons of self help literature including program literature. I love Melody Beattie and also Pia Mellody, Faciing Codependence and Facing Love Addiction. Those books have saved me. I let my HP find my books for me and it seems I always find the next right one for me....and also open to just the right page so often, too often for it to be a coincidence, I think. I like talking with recovery people although for me I need to be careful not to get too intensely involved with any one person. Right now, my CoDA sponsor is someone who is there, in the background and its not intense at all, definitely not enmeshed...and thank God for that!! I have had other friends in program who tried to fix me and whom I leaned on way too heavily and so...Im learning...the hard way I suppose....but maybe its the only way. I love the way it works in meetings, when we share and listen...and no cross talk. That really works for me and I think my HP works through that. It seems like my HP puts the people I need in my life and sometimes they come in and then its a short term thing and then its somebody else....I mean, new recovery friends....and Im learning that that's ok. It takes the pressure off of any one relationship and that's good I think. I like all of the tools of recovery.

2. How have your ideas changed about what it means to be restored to sanity? Have your expectations about recovery changed? What do you expect from recovery now that is different from what you expected when you first began recovering?

A-I think I did expect happiness. Freedom, like just total freedom.....sort of like being able to run away...I wanted all of my problems to fly away. I used to think that I was insane because I was so doubled over in pain and fear and anger, etc...I wanted some sort of a personality transplant. OR a lobotomy. But now I know its not like that. I know now that....the insanity was trying to get others to meet my needs and trying to change others. The insanity was my reactions to others, my people-pleasing behaviors, my need for approval, etc, etc..I was NOT insane to be in so much pain, because that was understandable considering all I had been through. I have forgiven myself and others now...heavy on the forgiveness of self. I was insane not to LOVE me, to believe all of those LIES that were told to me in my childhood about myself!! That was insane. It was insane to keep repeating my childhood patterns of survival. Now I know to let go and let God. I know I need to stay with the pain, the flashbacks and all, so I can STAY in reality and deal it. I feel the pain and then I breathe and I trust God...I deal with my life instead of trying to escape from it...that is more sane. It does involve a lot of courage and trust in my HP. Im still learning....

3. For now, how do you define a Power greater than yourself? Do you believe that Power cares about you?

A-My definition: My HP is LIGHT and LOVE, both within and without. My HP is everywhere, in creation, in the rooms, those are two biggies for me. Other people... and their spiritual journeys are SOOO BEAUTIFUL! And the earth, all of God's creation is SO BEAUTIFUL! And I look within myself, my heart, the riches of my own soul...I know me now, and I am learning to love me...."I AM". Its sort of like Mother/Father (earth, creation) , Daughter (me) , and Holy Spirit (everything else, everywhere!!) MY HP cares about me....because LOVE LOVES and LIGHT is SHINES. Its that simple. It is energy though, not like a person, ..and its all the BIGGER and more powerful that way....I imagine my HP as a person hugging me or protecting me if I want to or need to...I know I can manifest my HP in whatever way I need....but truthfully, I don't think its a person at all, I think its EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE. And I think darkness...is just the lack of LIGHT. So I don't believe in such a thing as "the devil" or evil. Just need to keep turning and reaching towards the LIGHT and manifesting LOVE...I need to care about my HP....and then my HP cares about me. So its sort of mutual...lol. There's a paradox there...My HP and I have an equal relationship with one another. And we are all equal, too...we are all equal parts of ONE. That ONE is my HP.

4. What is a reasonable plan of self-care for you to help you continue to believe that recovery can, and will, work for you? Look again at your ideas in question 1 above.

A-I need to keep doing what Im doing. There is a lot of letting go. I have a hard time with letting go of certain people. I have certain fears...of being controlled, or about WHAT IF...I can't control it? What IF...things get worse....? But those fears just get in the way, they don't help. So its better to let it all go. I will continue in recovery, going to my meetings, sharing on this forum for now...thanks for reading all of this!! I have read what everyone else wrote. It helped me a LOT!! I am so grateful!!

5. What has been done for others in recovery that you would like to happen for yourself? Do you believe it is possible?

A-I have seen people with good recovery and amazing recovery. I have seen miracles in others. I have also seen it in myself...when my HP has done things I didn't expect, and they were perfect....just messages, or bigger things. I consider my flashbacks to all be great gifts to me now, at this point. I feel they were God given....because otherwise I never would have been able to figure out the puzzle of "me". My abuse history is complex, several different components...and flashbacks were given to me for all of it, or at least...a lot of it, all that I am able to handle for now, lol....IT seems almost like all of it...Anyway, I know so much more about me. Not that I didn't know those things happened before...but I didn't know their meaning. I had NO IDEA how they had effected me. So yes, I have seen others recover....and I do believe it is possible. YES, yes yes!!

6. Make a list of areas in your life where you would like to be restored. Your goals will be more effective if they center around restoring your own life rather than someone else’s.

A-ok. I would like to be restored into letting go more of others...I would like to learn more about healthy boundaries, so I can get into healthier relationships in the first place, not such painful ones, not such seemingly impossible ones...., I would like to be restored in areas of knowing myself more, loving myself more, caring for myself more....knowing what my gifts are and what my HP wants me to do with my life....what am I meant to do TODAY, even, even just what do I do with this hour, this minute? And the next hour after that? I would like to be restored into better organization and planning for myself. I don't want to be controlled by others, so...my HP is going to have to control me....but how? I really don't know what to do and I am just trying to learn how to know...how to wait and relax and trust...and not panic....I would like to be restored into letting go of resentments and anger and pain and fear, trauma...from recent experiences and the old patterns in general. I would like to be restored in that I am strong, brave, aware, WISE, able. I would like to have a thicker skin, so that I am more safe from triggers. I have so many triggers and some of them are so stupid, I mean, i get triggered so OFTEN...and I know what its about, but I just wish for some relief so I can go on with my life. I would like to be restored to a healthier person physically and emotionally, so I can be a better mother to my son....so I can bloom, finally, maybe? So I can give back, shine my LIGHT more. LOVE more.

Thanks for listening. Thanks to everyone else for your shares! Its an honor to be on a journey with you all!

N.

willing · Guru

Very inspiring, Nalia. Thank you for sharing.

Nalia Ellen Grace · Veteran Member

Hi again. I am going to answer these alternative questions. I like them. I also want to say that I went through and deleted someone else's answers in order for me to put my answers in...and...I loved reading that person's shares, could relate to SO MUCH of what was being said. I copied and pasted my favorite shares at the bottom and will write in some comments after I finish. Thank you, whomever you are, for these other questions and for your heartfelt shares. !

These exercises can help you work the 2nd Step. In other words, they allow you to get into the feelings and specifics and not just rush through the Step. A time limit can help keep the task manageable; it is a way to set a boundary and feel safe rather than overwhelmed. For example, you may say to yourself, “I will write for 15 minutes tonight.” Set a timer and let yourself stop when it goes off. Consider “book-ending” with your exercises. Book-ending means telling someone, or your meeting, that you plan to do something, then telling them afterwards that you did it. It can help you show up for yourself. Finally, be gentle, and remember that sharing and reading about a Step is also part of working the Steps.

 1. Write freely on the 2nd Step for a set period of time. What does the 2nd Step mean to you? Don’t edit or over-analyze. Just write. Ill write for 5 minutes each. The second step is about my Higher Power. So that is the mystery. The fact that its a mystery is actually part of what I like about it, I like that I can continue for the rest of my life to seek my Higher Power, to understand more what that is. Wow. 5 minutes is a long time. OK, believing that my Higher Power can restore me to sanity....Hmmm, I wonder how? I really don't know that either. I guess its about letting go. Im sure it is. Not worrying, trusting. I have huge issues with trust, I have trouble trusting myself and others, so it makes sense that I would have trouble trusting my HP too. Perhaps I can learn. I think a lot of it is about changing patterns of thought. Or, maybe more exactly, its about clearing the mind and letting go of the thoughts. In meditation, this is what is literally done...observe the thought, let it go. Let it float away. I can envision it being taken by my Higher Power...even though I don't exactly think of my Higher Power as a person. I can imagine it floating away....but then the next thought comes....One time, I felt this desire to write a letter to myself from my Higher Power, and it was the most reassuring letter, promising that all I had to do was trust, that I was totally loved and cared for, that everything would work together for my good....I guess, really, that letter from "God" came to me from inside myself....but it came from my Higher Self, or maybe my Spirit, my LIGHT within. That was 5 minutes.

2. Write freely about Higher Power. What is that for you? If the concept of a Higher Power is hard for you, why is that? What comes up? Is there a concept that works for you? (For example: Nature, the fellowship of CoDA, God, the Universe, Wisdom, Love, etc.) Oh, all of the above. I will take my Higher Power wherever I find IT. And its strange how it can be "taken away"...or how I experience that my HP is "taken away". My present theory is that my HP is always with me and always was, but I didn't know it...and I have done things to separate myself from my HP....My present theory is that when I separate myself from my HP, it hurts, just like our pain sensors in our skin notice when we are cut or bleeding. There is pain so that we can know there is something wrong, so we can try to do something about it. The concept of a HP that is hard for me is one where it is a person. The word, "Lord" is really hard for me because it seems male and like someone pushy, controlling, big and important while I am small.....I like to think of my HP as being more spread out. IT isn't in any one place, like up in Heaven. It is in nature, in the 12 step rooms, in my heart in other people's hearts, EVERYWHERE....and I am a part of my HP, and everyone is....so while I am not ALL of my HP, I am a part of it, and in a way, I am equal to it...I am ONE with it....and I am connected to it, I breathe it, I live it, I am it. I think Jesus said something about "I AM". That makes sense to me. I don't think he meant that HE HIMSELF was God and nobody else was. I just think he was using an "I" statement. He was teaching by example...something like that.

3. Discuss your relationship with your Higher Power in your childhood. Did you transfer traits from parents or other authority figures? For example, punishment or abandonment…. What feelings come up? Well, I learned to worship my violin teacher. He was a narcissist and he presented himself as being sort of all-loving and all-important and all-knowing. So that was who I worshipped. I didn't really recognize it then as worshipping him, but I did. And he was such a well respected teacher in the community, that my parents sort of worshipped him too, and even after I started complaining that he was mean, etc etc...they still didn't want me to stop taking lessons with him because...they said he had "too much power over" us....like we NEEDED him so much or something. We needed him to mess with our minds and hearts, abuse them and trash them?? Well, anyway, that was what they thought. We all fell for this teacher and I studied with him for years, half of my childhood. So I think I developed sort of a Stockholm syndrome with him.. ugh.

Another thing was that at church, the youth directors were always these young men upon whom all of us girls developed crushes...and they would meet with us on retreats and things and tell us the strangest things...Like one youth director told me the other kids didn't "know" the Lord (and he thought I did...so I was flattered) And then another youth director told us we all were "babies in the Lord" and so I cried, I was SO HURT, especially after the other one told me I was special and all....Like I was special to God or something?? I think I wanted to be special. But now I think both ways are wrong and I don't like the word, "Lord" as I said before. I think we are all equally LOVED by LOVE. God is LOVE maybe. I don't know??

I am going to have to stop for now. I will come back to this and try to do the other questions tomorrow or the next day. Thanks again for the person who wrote the shares I copied at the bottom. I love especially their description of a loving HP....I want to steal that answer for my #4 answer....!!

So wonderful!!

4.      Consider the traits of a Higher Power (“HP”) with whom you would like to have a relationship. Keep a running list. Or try cutting out pictures and images from magazines and making a collage of your “HP.” Listen to others talk about their HP and “take what you like.” Pick and choose different traits. Allow your concept to grow and change.

5.      Put aside some time to get to know your Higher Power. Perhaps create a quiet ritual, a visualization or meditation. Consider saying the 2nd Step Prayer (12 Step Handbook page 14) each day for a while. Think of it as developing a friendship, slowly over time.

6.      Who in your life have you allowed to be a Higher Power? List the people (or things). Who have you acted as a Higher Power over? How is controlling related to being a Higher Power?

7. Ask yourself at the end of the day: “Who did I make my Higher Power today?” Did you perform tasks to get outside approval? Out of fear of someone else’s reaction? Perhaps a lover, a parent, your boss or friend felt like HP today. (You may have several “Artificial Higher Powers” per day…)

8. List ways your life is “insane.” Then list some of the sanity in your life. Why does the Step say “restore” us to sanity?

9. Exercise: record the way you talk to yourself about yourself. Tape it or write it down, completely unedited. Time it. Record what you actually say, not what you’d like to say, to yourself. Is this a loving and sane way to speak to someone? How would you feel if you heard someone talk this way to a child?

10. Do you try to figure everything out? Is this helpful? How is over-thinking related to Higher Power?

11. Is trust an issue for you? Does it take time to develop trust? How is this related to the 2nd Step?

12. Review the questions in the Workbook (Steps 1,2,3), p. 15. Answer any questions that speak to you.

OVERTHINKING PLACES ALL TRUST/POWER/CONTROL IN MY BRAIN AND NOT MY HIGHER POWER. IT SAYS THAT MY HIGHER POWER CANNOT HANDLE IT. IT SAYS THERE IS REASON TO WORRY. I DONT WANT THAT KIND OF RESPONSIBILITY ANYMORE. I WANT TO COAST.

THE HP I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH IS THE EXACT ONE I FOUND THROUGH 12 STEPS MANY YEARS AGO. KIND, BENEVOLENT, PATIENT, NON-JUDGING, NON-DAMNING, NON-CONDEMNING. PURE LOVE. FILLS MY HEART AND SPIRIT IN A PHYSICAL WAY I CANNOT DENY. BRINGS A PEACE TO MY LIFE LIKE NOTHING HAS BEFORE. HOLDS ME IN HIS ARMS SO THAT I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ONE SINGLE THING. LIFE IS LIKE WALKING ON WATER. CAN I WALK ON WATER? OF COURSE NOT! BUT IF I CLOSE MY EYES, TRUST IN HIM, AND PLACE ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER - THE ROCKS WILL ALWAYS APPEAR UNDER THEM. I DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHICH DIRECTION TO GO IN LIFE EVEN DOWN TO THE TINIEST DETAILS OF EVERYDAY LIFE -- THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS THERE AS LONG AS I PUSH MY BRAIN OUT OF IT. ALL STRESS IS GONE FROM EVERYDAY LIFE -- EVEN TRAFFIC. LIFE IS LIVED WITH CONSTANT GIGGLES AND PURE, LIGHTHEARTED JOY. MY HP IS GOOFY, AND APPRECIATES MY SILLY HUMOR. I FEEL I SHARE QUIET MOMENTS OF WARM HUMOR WITH HIM. MY HIGHER POWER GIVES ME DAILY SIGNS IN THE PHYSICAL WORLD THAT HE IS WITH ME, AND ANSWERS MY QUESTIONS WITH NEARLY IMMEDIATE SIGNS WHETHER THE ANSWER BE PLACED ON MY HEART, SEEN IN A BILLBOARD/BOOK/RADIO TALK SHOW AS SOON AS I ASK IT. WITH MY HIGHER POWER, I FEEL CLARITY AND SEE THE WORLD IN A KALEIDOSCOPE OF PURE BEAUTY. I SEE THE AWE-INSPIRING MAGIC IN THE SUNRISE, AND THE STUNNING BEAUTY OF A TREE, FLOWER, MEADOW, OR LAKE. ORDINARY THINGS SEEM TO SPARKLE AND DANCE - AS THOUGH I HAD NEVER SEEN THE WORLD BEFORE. WITH MY HIGHER POWER I FEEL SAFE, I FEEL SPECIAL, I FEEL LOVED AND WHOLENESS. LIFE IS PERFECT AND IT ALL STARTED WITH HANDING HIM EVERYTHING.

__________________

willing · Guru

Step Study: Step Two