Hello Willing,

I started as a counter dependent and abandoned my husband after a few years of marriage, because I discovered I was by sexual. (he never recovered and never remarried and only now I understand why- I never could make amends to him because he had died by the time I was doing the steps, and he was the one I hurt the most in my life) I miss him a lot now. His best friend has showed up lately and feels we have much in common, but he scares me to death because he is an alpha male, gambler, womanizer, and I feel would be a big mistake starting anything with him, other than a friendship.

After the divorce, I went though an equal amount of abandoning and being abandoned but I was so cut off from my true self I coasted along without a glitch.

The problems started in my mid forties, when I decided to pause my career and to actually make a good relationship a priority. The last three long term relationships have been a total disaster, not only was I abandoned, the problem was that I held on to relationships that were very toxic and not good for me at any level. With the last one I hit bottom and brought me to look at myself for the very first time and to CODA as a consequence. That was the gift of hitting bottom: it brought me home to myself.

Now I have a big fear: abandonment and attracting the same personalities.
I believe however that we can change the script and the paradigm by learning to love ourselves which will help us selecting less damaged types, which would ensure less drama and more intimacy.

What about you? What is it about your ex, you are missing? What brought it up? Big hug to you. Miao.

You know Leandra, this afternoon I took a long bike ride and I found myself listening to a lecture by Marianne Williamson on my headphones called " Emotional Self Sufficiency. She said something that struck a chord because it reminded me of the way I used to feel about my relationships when they ended, before I started acting codependently.

What if we reversed our perceptions and concentrated only on the love that was given and received between us and our partners, instead on all that was negative.

lets face it, we were really miserable most of the time and yet we held on to it against our better judgments. maybe the fact that our partners left should be be seen as them having the courage to do what we ourselves wanted to but couldn't do. ending the relationships in most cases was the healthy thing to do. I have always felt better and thrived after a break up.

The problem was that I got tired of experiencing the same lack of intimacy over and over, I simply didn't understand why no matter how much we loved each other we could never figure out why we were not getting along.

Now that the reasons and dynamics are very clear, it's also very clear to me that the intimacy, getting along problem cannot be resolved till both people are whole, complete individuals and not two " broken" one joined at the hip.

Marianne says that as long as we see ourselves as victims, that's all we are ever going to experience, because that's what we are going to attract. I think there's something really valid to this, and I  will from now on, only focus on what was good and the love given and received, instead of the lack.

It does get tiring after a while, feeling victimized, and going around feeling sorry for ourselves, feeling always vulnerable and defenceless. 

-- Edited by Miao on Thursday 2nd of May 2013 08:30:35 PM

-- Edited by Miao on Thursday 2nd of May 2013 08:32:58 PM

Ok, Miao, I'm confused. How can you say that as long as you have a relationship with you IC then you won't feel alone and abandoned? Did I misunderstand? 

I  have huge abandonment issues. My bio father walked out on me (us) when I was about 2yo. and my mom said I got so angry that I screamed and screamed because he was leavng and when he gave me a soda in a glass I knocked it into the wall breaking the glass. So I must have had an idea of something going on. All my 4 husbands have left and my kids have left me. Anyone that I thought was a friend has left me. But the issues are getting easier now that I have found my IC. When I feel that chaos rising, I know she is kicking to be heard and we sit for awhile; then I feel better. My biggest issue now is sexual. After being molested for so many years and forcing myself to have sex with husbands that were demanding rather than understanding, I have no interest in sex. Seems like you can't have a man around without it. Are women as demanding? So I guess I have abandoned my spouses, in a way, which then caused them to leave me. Life is a bitch. So I sit here today not feeling abandoned by anyone by maybe my sister and yet I see no purpose to life by myself. 

Abandonment is such a big issue to deal with.