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Post Info TOPIC: Directness


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Directness
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I love this one and always smile when this day comes and I get to read it again.  Very, very true.

Monday, June 1, 2015

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Directness

We feel safe around direct, honest people. They speak their minds, and we know where we stand with them.

Indirect people, people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want, and what they're feeling, cannot be trusted. They will somehow act out their truth even though they do not speak it. And it may catch everyone by surprise.

Directness saves time and energy. It removes us as victims. It dispenses with martyrdom and games. It helps us own our power. It creates respectful relationships.

It feels safe to be around direct, honest people. Be one.

Today, I will own my power to be direct. I do not have to be passive, nor do I need to be aggressive. I will become comfortable with my own truth, so those around me can become comfortable with me.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

 

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Make Language of Letting Go my default Thought for the Day Category.



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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Today I find that I must not confront criminals. I need to just be quiet and leave them behind for jails and prisons. I don't want to be found guilty by association. The rest leads me to ask myself how important is it? Do I voice my opinion or move on to the next person? Both can be hurtful to them. Staying silent can be uncomfortable but it might not be the right time to leave. In the end I have to ask God what's best for everyone. Saying something might just help them and the world. Some times I have to forgo helping anyone because of an individual request from someone who is not emotionally capable of handling anything from this big giant mess. I back away to seem smaller in the distance. Disappear and maybe find a new family in a bigger place like the country side or a bigger city for more grown ups. Sorry if this offends anyone. But it seems to be the only way for some of us to survive.

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Directness may save time, energy but I disagree that it's safe to be around direct honest people because usually direct honest people are excluded etc then end up saying nothing, how is that then honest. I also disagree that being direct is a winning situation or trait. If you are direct these days and say what you mean without saying it meanly, you will offend someone, hurt feelings and be accused of not being PC. In F2F meetings and even in online forums I have found being direct doesn't help me build respectful relationships to much as someone inevitably complains about your directness and you are either shamed, scolded or banned. People don't appreciate directness because generally it's something they don't wish to hear.

I don't really agree with this and my directness in saying that could get me removed from this board, this post not being posted etc. I am not one to sugar coat the truth nor reality, however some people just can't handle the truth.

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I took this as directness as opposed to passive aggressive people. That is a tool I have learned to use but dislike it. I find that there is terror in standing alone for a cause. I hate having to "watch my back" or become a pariah for having my opinion. Sure, I say "I don't care what they think" - but I know that is a lie! Then I spend hours and days and weeks and months shaming myself and pointing out every mistake and fault that makes me "less" than the person who hurting me! I have made excuses for them while boiling with anger. The idea of "benefit of the doubt" is the phrase I tell myself. I would want others to afford me the benefit of the doubt - even when I know deep down they wouldn't! "Turn the other cheek" - right, thanks for that bit of help! NOT! Or the best one - "it will stop if you don't react - they will grow weary and bored". Really?!?!?

Being direct means I don't have to guess if and what you are thinking....especially if it's about me and it's bad. That's generally where I go anyway! Someone whispering to another? What are they saying about me - at least if they say it to my face, I know what is coming next! Being direct doesn't have to be mean. It can actually put some at ease to not have to worry about where you stand!

I too am guilty of not being direct. As if I am responsible for another's feelings. I have always felt that I needed to be and stopping cold turkey is the most UNSETTLING and SCARY thing I have ever attempted. My job was to take care of, be there for, problem solve for, and be responsible for the bad and negative, the disappointments, and most importantly the failures of those for whom I care. And it took the compassion and caring of a very direct and truthful woman to ask me if this sentence (which I though was a service) was for life or if I was eligible for parole sometime! Now, she said some things that could have been a reason for me to be angry and stomp away - but I donthave time for that! I have a life and a family and a job to get back to more healthy than when I started her group! Being offended was an excuse to not look at myself with truth. I could have walked away and gone back to my crashed world and continued with my thoughts of self harm -- or I could get true with myself and with others and battle the real enemy - the tape in my head. See, some issues in childhood (specifically bullying from my peer family in a small town) that I prolly could have handled ok until a PTSD issue and some other bullying in my adult life were added in. I didn't have the tools to handle it all so I reverted to some pretty codependent things that worked before.....people pleasing, emotional self abuse, and isolation/blaming. I felt so worthless that I was convinced self harm was doing my family a favor because they wouldn't have to be shamed by me. (I know, way messed up I that thought process)!
Had it not been for this direct woman - who I care for and admire - I wouldn't be where I am today! It's only been 7 weeks but I have made some seriously courageous moves in addressing and understanding the PTSD, depression, anxiety, and codependency - because everything I know (work, family, marriage -- everything) relies on me being direct and honest with myself first! With love and compassion, being direct with myself will lead to being direct with people in my relationships using compassion, care, and love!

My favorite saying is this: THE most loving thing you can do for yourself and others is be truthful and hold them accountable! THAT is a kind of love that transcends!

I pray for everyone - a peace that comes with the safety of directness - the challenges and the not needing to second guess motive or intention or duty! I am grateful for this person and her directness that began to free me!



-- Edited by ksm223 on Wednesday 1st of July 2015 08:38:17 PM

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