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Nobody really cares,

 

I really believe this statement is true. People will say nice things like, have a good day, or take care of yourself, as a normal reply. I’ve been trained to say these statements. Just like I was trained to over extend myself in relationships to fit in, and fill other peoples needed. This behavior is very similar to my past relationship. I act like everything is great for people looking from the outside. But my inside feeling are much different. I don’t dare let anyone know the truth of how my relationships are really totally dysfunctional.

 

Even on this site, very few people share their thoughts. I know why. Every word I type on here has been said a thousand times before. Nothing new, no secret, to the secret recipe is revealed.

 

So why do I bother to post?

 

The secret, to the secret recipe is. My posts are not necessarily meant for anyone else at all.

These thoughts are what I’m thinking. By writing them out, it allows me to reflect days or months later, to review what was important in my mind at that time. If someone can relate to anything I ramble on about here great. Reading post, sometimes triggers a thought in my mind that I need to work on.

I thought of commenting on this title from my spiritual point of view. But feel it would confuse the point way to much.

 

So to prove my point of nobody really cares. I’ll watch how few comments this post gets. lol    



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I actually like this post and agree with it. I know it sounds trite but it is a form of therapy to write things down and go back to reflect on it. I am doing that now myself. I used to write poems and had thousands of them...literally books of them until I was in very dysfunctional relationship that person didn't or couldn't believe I had a past before them and ripped everything I had up, cards and pictures included. Can you imagine me staying with that person after that? Well, I did. Not for long but I did.

I think it's nice that you put in the fact that your post are meant for you and not for anyone else. It's the truth! Why make posts for other people?

Have a good day!



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You're right. No one really cares. I have experienced this in every relationship I've ever had.
I'm there for them when they want to vent, but if I need something, no one is around. Ever.
Just journaled about this because unfortunately for the journal, it has to stay around and take my words and sop up my tears.
I've been in a very dark place this week, and this one sentence pretty much sums it.
Nobody really cares.
And in my journal, no body really cares.... about me.
It's a sad reality. All I can do is take care of myself. I've gotten pretty good about it.
I take care of everyone and myself....no one cares unless I'm not taking care of them.
Then I get the brunt of their anger.
I am a doormat and take it.
I blow up when I can't take it anymore.
Then no one can stand to be in my presence, so they leave me to my
wallowing self-pity. Because if you can't have a smile on your face and fake it
then no one wants to be around. They can't stand the sad, depressed me.
I'm having a harder and harder time putting that smile on my face and being fake.
Sorry for my dark mood.
Actually no, I'm not going to apologize for it anymore. For years I've done this
and maybe I can't contain the hurt and despair anymore. Why can't that be ok?
Why do I always have to be the happy girl that people find funny, but when I'm not funny or happy anymore, they disappear.
You're right. Nobody really cares.

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NO- BODY really cares,

Stop the press, breaking news.

Reflecting on my other post I realized my faulty thinking with the title. So I corrected it here.

No-body really cares because everyone has a hidden agenda. I have agenda’s in my life, with my relationships. The “what’s in it for me” principle. I’ll do this for you, if you’ll do that for me.
I’ll help my neighbor, but expect something in return. Eventually the scale becomes un-balanced and the friendship, relationship, fails.

The only one that really cares about me, I run from, I close my eyes to. I let go to voice mail. I lie too constantly. I only listen to my HP when nothing else (drugs alcohol, food, sex, work, my own plan) will fill the emptiness.

Thankfully, my HP cares about me. I just don’t feel deserving of my HP love.
This reminded me of a Van Morrison song. “Someone like you”.
Sorry had to stop and listen to the song. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The reason I don’t feel deserving is the deep rooted voices of my past, I continue to listen to. Why? I (shrugs shoulders, shakes head)



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Ok, you had me randomly drop in and read your post. fap123, even if it were true (that nobody cares) it would be self defeating to think it,  verbalize it. People do care, I certainly do and I don't know you at all. We are all on the same bus and have relatively similar back rounds (dysfunctional family of origin) and in these groups we heal with the knowledge that we do understand and care about each other. Just consider that caring and taken care of, are two different things totally. Before, and in early recovery, I wanted to be taken care of.  I didn't know how to take care of myself. I thought that I could, would, and should (and did try) take care of others, and failed miserably when they didn't want, need, me two or just took advantage of my calculated generosity. Yes I wanted something in return.  I wanted someone to take care of me, or my problems.

Remember, that a statement like "Nobody cares" is inclusive. If you're buying you're selling. We tend to read others feelings, intentions as a reflection of how we feel, feel about ourselves, feel about others, it's a package deal. Sure our ego would think us saintly, Al Capone, when interviewed, said that he was a kind and generous man. But down deep we know the truth about ourselves and we reflect that in others. So ask yourself "how much do I really care?" and "do I care unconditionally?"

 



-- Edited by Dean on Sunday 14th of June 2015 11:58:42 AM

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Ok, you had me randomly drop in and read your post. fap123, even if it were true (that nobody cares) it would be self defeating to think it, verbalize it.




I respectfully disagree; I believe the statement empowers me to understand I must pull myself up by myself with the only true help or caring coming from my higher power.


To answer the question you asked.

As a newbie student learning of codependency behavior, the “how much do I really care” question.

I don’t really care about any body currently. I may from time to time play the part of a “nice person”, as do all others I’ve encountered. To say I care, and really mean it, is two different things.
Other synonyms of the word care are, be concerned, worry, think about, heed, be bothered, troubled.

When I read someone’s post on here, or read about someone’s struggle in the news. The thought of being concerned about that person, ends in the time it take the computer hard drive to cool down after I turn it off. To do anything more, would keep me in a codependent pattern forever.

I’ve moved past step one. My focus has been and will be, step 2 and 3 for a while. I believe I need to build a solid relationship with my higher power first, and this takes time. Un-fortunately my past experience in life has made my up-dated statement
“no- body cares” 100 % true.
If other can relate to how I feel. So be it.


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Hello Fap,

Wow, what a post!  Let me give you a warning, I am a bit raw and vulnerable right now after a rough, emotional weekend ... so if I am a little more blunt than usual I apologize up front.

Pity party much?  I say that smiling because I had one for myself over the weekend. 

There are so many facets to this conversation. 

You have to care about yourself first.  You teach people how to treat you.  Even if you don't say self-defeating comments like this, even if you are silent, your energy (vibe, body language etc) tells people how to treat you.  It emanates out of you.  You have to truly learn to care for yourself, love yourself, before others will do it.  I don't understand why this is, but I know it is fundamentally true. 

Get over it.  You have chosen to feel like this.  I can sit here and listen to the sappy song that literally just came on and start crying and wallow in the residuals from my weekend, or I can realize the minute I start to stop typing and go change the damned song.  That's exactly what I just did.

Be genuine ... for YOURSELF.  - I do not run around being friendly and smiling at people disingenuously.  I am kind to others that I know and don't know from my heart and first and foremost I do it for ME.  It makes ME feel good.  I don't do it to get something back, I do it to spread light and fan the flame within myself.  When I compare the rewards of doing something nice to get a something (even if I got it!) vs. doing something nice just because ... the rewards for being kind and caring with NO expectations FEELS BETTER.  Isn't that what we are all bitching about, striving for, screaming and crying about ... is we want to FEEL BETTER?  We want to feel loved, confident, important, blah blah blah ... but we manipulate and play the actor to get those things from others.  Most people don't have it for themselves (like us) so how the hell are they going to give us what we need if they can't even give it to themselves?  They are sitting next to us looking for what we can give them to complete them!  We sit around with this sense of entitlement that everyone is supposed to think we are great, to love us, to support us ...  It's all BS.  It starts with us.  How can we possibly have this righteous indignation that we are the victims when we treat people the same way we are treated?  Nobody owes me ANYTHING.  Not one person on this planet.  I don't even owe anything to me.  I just need to BE.  That's it.  I will find peace when I am grateful for my life and stop worrying and wasting it. 

You attract folks like yourself.  That's all there is to say about that.

For those who do care about you (like me) it is a little insulting to hear this.  It makes us feel that you have to gratitude for us at all.  I realize where you are right now, so I am not taking it personally, but not everyone will understand.  So if you are walking around broadcasting this (evening non-verbally) you are pushing people away.  I imagine their response would be "Why bother?".

Do you realize that the people that you feel don't care probably feel the same way you do... exactly.  So it is a perpetuating cycle.  I chose to stop the cycle.  I choose to be happy for ME.  I also hope to be an example for others.  I don't have to tell them anything, I just am genuinely happy for me and it is evident.  Obviously it is not all day everyday, I had a rough weekend, but I also didn't fight it or berate myself.  Someone hurt my feeling BAD.  I looked at that, with tears rolling down my face, and thought "I am not being codependent.  Being hurt doesn't mean I have failed.  It means I am hurt.  Period.  I was very angry and very hurt.  My mind raced, a tape played, I lashed out (in my mind only) and just had a friggin really bad weekend.  And that's ok.  Someone hurt me.  I am not bad for this."  And I let it be and walked through it.  And I was also VERY grateful for those in my life who saw I was hurt and just came and held my hand and said they love me.  They knew I was grateful. 

That's it.  I hope this wasn't too much and it is all things I need to hear, so thank you.

Willing



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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Hi Willing, What a post!

Sorry if I ruffled anyone feathers on here. I’m just writing my thoughts and feelings in a moment of time. I feel that in doing so, it allows me to go back and reflect at a later date. A way to track my growth if you will.
I have noticed that’s there is not a lot of people who actively read or throw in anything that would allow for some discussion. Bam..and then I showed up… lol

I don’t feel up to typing so I’ll avoid laying out my opinion to your points and thoughts. I respect your opinion, but feel good for now with my own.
I’m somewhat confused about some of what you posted, because parts of it speaks exactly to my point of my post of taking care of myself. Why, because no body else cares.
I’m also am not offended by anything you said in your post. I’m making the assumption that this was directed at me because you said hello Fap. But forgot the 123. Maybe there’s a Fap member?

I do like music as you might have guessed, but I’m not curled up in a corner crying my eyes out because a song reminds me of some special moment in my past. I’m more in tuned to the lyrics in a song than I ever was before. That it. Nothing more.

I respect you as the chief leader of this site, and if you want me to stop posting my thoughts and feeling on here, I will.

Peace


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Heck no!  I loved your post.  Just gave my honest take on the whole thing.  No leader here ... just the moderator to delete junk and make sure no one gets offensive.  Hopefully I didn't.  But I'm not a leader by any stretch, just a student ... like the rest of us.  And I warned you, feeling a little more than usual.

And it was for you, silly.  I just gave you a nickname .  I will keep the 123 from here on out lol.  I didn't think you were curled up crying, I was seconds away from it though.  My point is that I made I saw that coming, like a train barreling down the tracks, and thought ... oh crap, I better change that song.  I made the choice to take a different road instead of the sobbing one I did this weekend .

 

I like differing opinions.  I LOVE your posts, please keep it up.  As I said, until you got active this place was pretty quiet.  I was whistling dixie here by myself.  I am VERY grateful for you sharing.  You DON'T need to apologize, change, or stop.

 

People care.  I care!  So there

 

Willing



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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Just an additional note, Fap123 ...

I know in response to your post that seemed very direct AT you.  It wasn't.  It was at "us" ... us as codependents and us as humans.  We all travel through this life with so much suffering and turmoil.  It can be simple.  I can feel it somewhere I can't even define.  I just keep digging to see if I can find the answer, because I don't want to suffer anymore.  I believe there is a profound connection to be had between humans, something very few have ever experienced.  I believe our egos, fear, anger ... all if them are just shrouding us, leading us astray, so we can not reach the simplicity that is right before us.  I am not a HP/God person.  But I feel it in my bones and it definitely doesn't feel like any deity, but something so natural, so primal yet so profound and elevated. 

I don't know.  I can't explain it.  But in the meantime, I will try to continue to decipher these shrouds and leave them behind.  I appreciate you walking through that with me.

 

Willing



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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Part of me wanted to explore/expand deeper down this rabbit hole with my post about no body cares. Perhaps I’ll sort this topic out privately. Other than the two brave souls who caught my drift as to what I was posting, and could relate a bit to it. (Not necessarily agreeing 100 % with me). I sense this topic now, is like kicking a dead horse.
The stuff I post about, is thoughts I’m thinking feeling and hope to spur on a little dialogue between the 50 or so lookers on this site. A simple acknowledgment would be acceptable.
I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. Otherwise I would be KiNG. Lol joking.
I enjoy logging in almost every day to see what other are thinking and writing about. To see if I have that same issue going on in my life.
If you’re not sharing, you’re definitely not caring. Perhaps that “FEELING” of mine, is what started my original post.


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I had a feeling that maybe somebody needed to hear from me. Then it was codependent to the rescue. Lol. Someone might have added,"Watch out for that tree." I don't know if you're more upset than I am or just feeling that way longer. But I just woke up feeling better than usual yesterday and perhaps over did it because I'm back in my toxic haze of pain. I was trying to explain how I might be feeling better soon although later than most when I got cut off and ignored by someone else in their toxic haze of pain. I had failed to listen earlier and failed to get my point across then. My first thought after that was that maybe someone in recovery needed me. My chance to make amends and get out of myself; I guess. I still have hope that I might get back to "well" soon if I take care of myself now. Thank you.

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I would bet that every single person here, past - present - and future, will identify with your posts.  That's one the of key reasons we are all here.  We feel unworthy.  We do not care for ourselves.  We do not feel anyone cares for us.  No one gets us, no one is there for us, no one cares, we are alone.

I never said I didn't get that.  I TOTALLY get that.

And I totally get going through life doing for others, to the detriment of our own well being, so we can get something in return.  Manipulation, pure and simple.  That's how life works, right?  At least that's what we were taught.

 

But I just refuse to believe it anymore.  Defiantly refuse.  I am flipping it off and saying "No more!"  I guess that's why I was so blunt with you, I am in one of those moods. 

 

I am telling myself, "Get over it! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on.  You get what you give.  You attract who you are, so be something wonderful."  And the attraction isn't just a relationship, it is everything.  I want to attract beauty in all facets of my life.

"The reason I don’t feel deserving is the deep rooted voices of my past, I continue to listen to. Why? I (shrugs shoulders, shakes head) "

Why is a good question.  I equate my past to a dog who has been beaten and yelled at since it was a puppy.  What do you think that dog is going to be like when it grows up?  It is going to either cower or be aggressive out of fear.  It is going to shake horribly and mess the carpet when someone approaches or it is going to growl, snarl and bite.  Then I envision someone who comes along and is gentle and understanding with that dog.  Who takes the time to understand what the dog has been through and takes thing slow and earns the dog's trust.  I feel that is what we are all looking for.  Someone to come teach us how to love and how to feel safe. 

I've come to accept that that person will never arrive and most importantly, that is quite a bit to ask of someone.  I am capable of doing that for myself, why not give it a shot?  This way I can be whole, the voices of my past can be silenced, I can believe in myself.  In doing that I also gain, through experience, what that actually looks like and find people to have in my life that have the same quality.  Someone who is whole who doesn't need me to fix them and doesn't do things for something in return, but does them just because.

I have been that dog since the day I was born.  After my birth I was neglected and abused, yes as an infant.  At 5 months I could not lift my head on my own and I was covered in boils from bad hygiene.  I was given up for adoption and physically healed, but the person I ended up with, when I would just SCREAM as a child (wonder why), instead of trying to comfort me I was taken to the bathroom and water was thrown in my face.  That is my first memory.  Water boarding.  How nice.  And it just gets better from there.

I get it Fap123. 

Why do you think you still listen to those voices from your past?  Do you truly believe them?  Why?  Are you a bad guy?  From you posts I don't believe that you think you are.  I believe you think you are a really good guy, I believe it too.  Perhaps there is a way to move from "I think I'm a good guy" to "I KNOW AM a REALLY good guy!"

Willing



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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In codependency, my self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems, relieving your pain.
In recovery, my self-esteem comes from solving my problems, sometimes experiencing my pain.

In codependency, my mental attention is focused on pleasing you.
In recovery, I am free to please myself even when it may not please you.

In codependency, I may disguise my feelings, manipulating you to do it my way.
In recovery, I tell the truth about my feelings, regardless of the consequences.

In codependency, I am not aware of what I want, I ask and am aware of what you want.
In recovery, I am not only conscious of my own wants, I verbalise them and take action to achieve them.

In codependency, my dreams I have for my future are all linked to you.
In recovery, my dreams are my own even if they do include you.

In codependency, I am afraid of your anger, it determines what I say or do.
In recovery, I have no control over your anger and it has no control over me.

In codependency, I put my values aside to connect with you.
In recovery, my values are mine, as the core of my being, they are sacrosanct.

In codependency, I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
In recovery, I value your opinions and procedures, but not at the expense of mine.

In codependency, the quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.
In recovery, the quality of our lives is separate, with clear boundaries separating the two.

In codependency, when something needs to be done and no one else is willing to do it, I automatically assume responsibility saying, "someone has to do it".
In recovery, I operate from a position of choice, letting go, trusting to a higher power when circumstances dictate my saying "no" to someone else's needs.

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When I share on the boards, I choose to believe, it is what I myself need to hear. I choose to believe this because this is what allows me to feel peaceful. I always have the choice to treat me as an all loving higher power would wish for me. When I do this, I am treating all things as one, with the utmost care. What is best/peaceful for 'me' - is best for us as a whole.

When I realize that we are all connected, I become aware that caring for self and others is not separate behavior. There is simply ~care~ in what I am, what we are together, for what we are sharing... in the moment.

xoxo

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To me Fap123, the disastrous attempt in trying to show off my eloquent writing skills and explaining with enough detail as not to confuse myself. Has caused an unusually high reply rate, possible overwhelming the site. All because of the post nobody cares.


To me Fap123, I failed by not reminding myself how I interpreted the word “care”.
I find the word Care as having many levels as does the word “love”.
“Care” to me typically is understood as an action. Example, I cook someone some food when they are too sick to care for them self. Action. Or, I call someone on the phone to wish them a happy birthday. Action
Fap123 remember, the former mentioned would be a deeper level of care than saying, have a nice day as you leave an airport in a foreign country.
I was resonating to the deeper meaning of the word in my post.
So my statement of no body cares currently is true for me.
But as I mentioned before, this empowers me to rely more on my higher power, and me. I’m not all woe is me. I’m excited, wondering in amazement how the hell my higher power pulled me out of a lousy relationship. What is coming next as I’m preparing myself by learning from my past mistakes, and taking care of me.

Therefore Fap123, accept the fact that my writing skill have a long way to go to express clearly what is cluttering my mind. Anyone who should dare click on my post. May walk away shaking their head, as I have not shared enough information. Not because I don’t want to, but because I’m not a skilled enough writer, yet? lol


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"but expect something in return"

I have "AN EXPECTATION IS A PREMEDITATED RESENTMENT" taped to my fridge. Resentment usually will fly under our radar and leads to disaster. It's hard.... 



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Expectations have a huge affect on how content we are.  I practice really hard to not have them.  When I do, sometimes daydreaming about the future can be fun, I ALWAYS tell myself, ... "And it will look nothing like that."

If you look at the logic of it, we are constantly imagining our future and if you are me it is through a seriously fairy dust infused pair of rose colored glasses.

So when we get to the point we were dreaming about and it doesn't meet our expectations we are disappointed.  Go figure!

 

And if I am thinking about what's to come, my extremely single tracked mind will not be focusing on what I am doing right now.  So, that means I am not enjoying right now or giving whatever I am doing all of my focus ... so I am doing it half-a$$ed.  Why would I want to do that?

 

It takes constant awareness, watching your mind, but boy does it improve the overall quality of life.

 

Willing



-- Edited by willing on Saturday 4th of July 2015 05:44:32 AM

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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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Love your response to this post. It is true!



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I think it is true there are VERY few who really care, sometimes its not even your Mom and Dad. There are fewer yet who care and would love you unconditionally. Most people except for some special ones have their own agenda. It is interesting I can go to a social gathering and find out whats up with everyone, and sometimes no one ever asks how I am really doing. But then I don' really live an eventful life and things are just ordinary, but it would be nice if someone sincerely asked and meant it.  I think finding a "friend" a real friend that really cares is a treasure. I think we meet people in our lifetime, very, very few who really care, and when we do, I think we should not lose contact with them. Its very true "you teach people how to treat you" there are no mind readers out there. There is a lot to be said about this .... good subject, :) nc 



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