For our entire relationship, I have been my spouse's helper no matter what. In that, I have never been asked but expected to help my spouse, no matter what the cost was for me. I have had to call in to my work so that I can work at my spouse's because there was a conflict with a doctors appointment or something similar. And I have sacrificed my own time off for filling in for things that I never ok-ed or agreed to. I have seen this as a pattern our entire relationship. Now, I'm seeing that what is being asked of me as selfish of my spouse. However, don't tell her that, because in her opinion, I'm the one being selfish right now with not doing what she had "planned."
She agreed to babysit for a friend of hers (not mine...she's weird around me but her kids like me). So, she had a dilemma on Friday into Saturday that she had to work both days and it was the expectation that I babysit in place of her. I was not happy about this. Helping, I could do. All by myself, I didn't feel right. I even told her that I don't think their mom would be thrilled that I'm babysitting instead of her, and she told me what she's always told me "we're a packaged deal." So I babysat on Friday and Saturday morning. Stayed the night, not taking care of my own family and not told all of the details. And it was a nightmare. I'm used to kids and dealing with pets, but the expectations were ridiculous. And I requested time off of work on Saturday not to watch someone else's kids that I never agreed to doing. So I was pissed. Because I was not told she had to work her other job and I would have to watch all of them myself. And deal with a very large puppy who hasn't had obedience training. And two children who were being very rude and disrespectful. I was at my wits end on Saturday after I finally got relief from another mom taking over watching them. But I told my spouse, I need a break from them, telling her how much of a handful it was and that there were so many problems, etc. And I told her that I wasn't doing it Sunday because I needed a break.
So I got the silent pissed off anger in silence treatment last night after saying this. And felt guilty about it all day. And then felt guilty because I think she was supposed to let the dogs out at their house, and she didn't. And guilty and almost reniging about not going over on Sunday, and guilty that I have created this expectation for the last 10 years that no matter what she says yes to, I am expected to do it regardless of what sacrifices I need to make and what it does to my stress level, etc. I'm not getting paid to do this, and I'm not on the list of people to contact. She is. And as much as I said no and I said I'm not going over today, I have had this overwhelming guilt, mainly from her reaction to me last night and things she's said to me today.
So how do I let go of the guilt? Because as long as I am feeling this way, she has ultimately won, and I'm still not free. I know I did the right thing. I know that for my sanity I had to say no. I know this job she accepted is not at all my responsibility. I know that I needed to do this. But I also know that this has been the expectation for years, and that breaking this now furthers any resentment she already has for me. I feel like I'm in a Catch-22 situation- damned if I do, damned if I don't. Please, whatever techniques you do to get rid of guilt and how to keep doing that, I would appreciate it.
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"A diamond is a chunk of coal that did well under pressure."
I was trying to stop drinking while I was having flashbacks from childhood, so I had to keep my inventories short. A lot of times I got upset watching the news and finally had to see that a lot of that wasn't any of my business as it did not affect me and there was nothing I could do about it. So it was a sad day that I turned off the news for good. Reading it doesn't seem to get me as worked up so I still know stuff that is important to me. Then as I was figuring out what had to do with me, I was also starting to learn how to take care of myself with God's help. Finally, I took a look at myself and admitted when I was selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and/or inconsiderate. Then I just had to do the opposite to make amends and balance my behaviors in the future. Now I meditate on what would be best for me and my boss because she is mostly looking out for herself and doesn't really know how to work with someone in recovery. She's getting better but two heads are still better than one. I'm also thinking about turning my amends inside out and doing more for people like the good in the people that I've had to leave behind by looking for ways to be unselfish, honest, doing God's will, and considerate in general.
-- Edited by Bumble Dunny on Sunday 28th of June 2015 11:09:29 PM
Give yourself credit in recognizing a problem in this relationship. Doing that is a really big step in the right direction.
Following through is the hard part to freedom.
I would have second thoughts wondering if I was too rash on the issue at hand. Fear of change in the relationship kept me stuck. I did not want to be alone again.
In my case I used the “what if” In a situation I was in dealing with my ex-Gf.
She was about to get her kids back into her custody after her not seeing or having custody for 4 or 5 years. I saw the writing on the wall that the relationships with the father Grandmother and other family members of the father were going to be brutal in the future. As the time came closer I had second thoughts of having them all move in with me. Her (3) kids were age 10 to 14 in age.
Without going into a lot more details.
The “what if questions” I asked myself were along the following line.
What if the father makes accusation about me disciplining these kids?
What if the kids become disruptive? How do I handle that?
Realizing I was going to bring in more problems than I wanted to deal with. I told my GF at the time that I would help her in getting a place to stay as a transition to slowly introduce her kids into my family.
Well shortly after getting her set up in a new place, she had a new guy that she had been cheating on me with for a month or so before.
I felt guilty and all the other emotions of a failing relationship. And it took awhile to get over it. But looking back, it was the best decision I have made in a long time.
Learning that I can live by myself without anyone else’s help is frightening at first. I always felt I was a nobody if I didn’t help fix other people’s problems.
Change is a good thing, a frightening thing. Learn to embrace change and live life fully. Run from change and you become a door mat for the rest of your life.
I currently have to face some more change in my life. All the fears come up trying to stop me from moving forward. One reason after another just keeps coming to me, because I doubt myself as being enough. I doubt myself as being smart enough. Maybe I should stay put where I am. It’s not too bad, I tell myself. Yet I know if I stay in the position I’m in. Weeks or months later I will be cleaning up a bigger mess.
Again I face the fears that are slowing me down and move forward, accepting and embracing and celebrating the consequences of “MY CHOISES”. Because I made them. Period!!
Doing any of the above has a high likely hood of severing a relationship, if the relationship is so off balance from the start. No worries though, time will eventually end it for you. And that’s when you finally get the point of step (One).
Lol. Sorry for the rambling. I'm not good at beating around the bush on my cell phone like we're expected to do in coda meetings but I'll try again. I felt guilty that I couldn't just jump when my mom said jump so I let her know that I needed to plan things with her so I could get ready in advance. Then the guilt was gone when I had to say no and remind her that I needed advanced notice. She started letting me know what she wanted sooner and sooner until I was able to say yes and hope to get ready in time. I asked her to wake me up in time to get ready to go and she did not. I had to cancel our plans a couple of times before she began to wake me up on time. Now she doesn't understand why I need to plan things in advance even though she is the same way. She just understands that I do now. As we make some more time for me to get ready to go other places I'll be able to do more things on the spur of the moment. But for now I'm just carving out enough time to take two showers a week instead of one because it's summer here and ac is out of fashion. I really feel like I'm taking a chisel to her overloaded schedule but I don't feel guilty. I feel hassled but I guess I'm hassling her. I want to start my own things to do list now to get more positive energy flowing through both our lives so that we can do more of what we both want to do. So far she's just hogging all the freed up energy but she's not getting very far without me. And she wants to see me happy someday so... I don't have to run away from a wild ox now. I just have to dig in my heels and tighten up on the reins left by my late father. Ha ha. I'm actually bigger than the "ox" in question so don't feel to bad about a woman taking on a man's job of steering her mother right. Just be concerned that I'll never be submissive enough to marry an old fashioned man who takes charge like my mother used to. Oh well. That doesn't seem to be my path anyway. I've got work to do. Thanks. Bye.
-- Edited by Bumble Dunny on Monday 29th of June 2015 02:17:43 PM
-- Edited by Bumble Dunny on Monday 29th of June 2015 02:18:24 PM
Ah. It feels so good to get in the shower with something like a loofah and scrub away my defects. Lol. I think I might need to ask for some help setting up a bubble bath upstairs. I can barely make it up there with a towel and a change of clothes. It will be a real challenge to get a chair up there so I can shower and bathe. One of my silly nemesis broke my last chair while my mother was away. I don't know why they have it in for me. I guess it's resistance to my recovery. She doesn't put herself out there as much so they don't know anything about her to get upset about. It's just me crying all the time. Phooey! I'm not the reason I'm crying all the time.
Well it looks like I'm going to get some help tomorrow and have my own schedule by Thursday. I just have to make sure that my mother keeps her schedule insane enough for me to get my own work done. Lol. That's kind of the opposite of what I was thinking before. We still have to get together on our schedules from time to time. But I won't be her beck and call girl so much now. Yeah!
-- Edited by Bumble Dunny on Tuesday 30th of June 2015 12:08:27 AM
I don't know how I missed this but I sure am sorry I did. Hopefully you will get a chance to see this.
First, I would search this site for the word Boundaries and read the posts.
Second, I would search for books about Boundaries. I just did a search on Amazon and was quite surprised at how many there are.
Learning to set boundaries was the first "action" I could take in my recovery that required me to practice a behavior. Lots of reading, lots of internal work, lots of going through my "stuff" ... but with learning to set boundaries I actually had to CHANGE.
And the change was huge for me and not even 1% as tragic as I thought it was going to be.
No is a complete sentence. Taking care of yourself is one of the keys to being happy. Part of taking care of yourself is respecting yourself and expecting the same of others (and giving it in return).
The big thing for me was instead of everyone being mad at me for starting to set boundaries, they respected me more.
I can tell you this with absolute certainty. If I am with a partner who is sure of themselves, can set boundaries and say no (kindly) ... I think they are the hottest thing going. I am not attracted to passive, overly eager to please partners. When I was in the height of my craziness that swung all the way to "extreme bad guy", but now I like a healthy dose of caring and an equally healthy dose of boundaries and individualism. I seem to have found it and it really works well.
Communication is key. It is terrifying, but just sitting down and kindly discussing feelings ... the relief and healing after are so much better than the fear I had to walk over to get there. Absolutely worth it.
Willing
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
