i used to get hit with no explanation. So i learned that it was ok to hit with an explanation. That was apparently wrong. so I stuck with just an explanation for a while. Now I'm trying to go without the explanation so much too. I'll say something if I just can't stand it but I really need to stop if it's not a life or death situation. The people in my life are as good as they're gonna get for me for a while. And I need to save up my influence for the really important things. I need to pray and Be the change I'd like to see. God I offer myself to thee... Now what? I'm guessing that another 4th and 5th steps are in order. For some reason I think of one person that I resent for having so much control over me growing up. It diminished my strength, cost me money to keep up, took away my little bubble of self esteem and added to their collection, I was unappreciated just like everyone else, I was forced to do things as a group instead of doing what I wanted with who I wanted and when. I had to check my pride at the door and act like there was nothing strange going on. I wasn't allowed to have any ambition for my future that would leave them out. I guess I was selfish for wanting my one friend to myself. I never stood up to the group for time alone with the one friend out of the group that I wanted for myself sometimes. I don't even know what Gods will was for me at the time. I was still learning. I was chastised for doing the best I could and left behind in extra curricular studies. I grew weaker without more normal friends to play with. I got no job from my hobbies. I lost another balloon of self esteem as I tried to blow it up. And it got away as my friends all found their niches in life rather quickly. No one approved of me settling for an abusive relationship then, and they don't talk to me now. I don't have any pride to leave at the door even though I got out of that relationship and earned a degree. I have no real job nor retirement income to live off of. I was selfish to study the one thing I didn't know instead of getting a degree in helping others more. I ought to have admitted my powerlessness over people sooner. Maybe it was God's will for me to be fulfilled and I'll use my degree more later. I just don't see it now. There's more that I need to learn. Oh I forgot my affirmations. I tried to be friends with everyone. I ought to have made enemies of my friends and friends of my enemies in school. That is becoming more and more apparent as the lonely years pass. I'm looking for a good job for myself and others in my life as well as church. I might not always be untithable. I am growing in awareness. Yeah! Now where's that Coda list of defects and assets? I am trying not to be too controlling myself by accepting my circumstances as they come more. I also need to take a closer look at my adulthood relationships, illnesses, and what not. Thanks.
-- Edited by Bumble Dunny on Monday 6th of July 2015 11:09:58 PM
For some reason I just feel a blinding pain when I try to think back to a certain abusive relationship. My directions were to work around it and perhaps more would be revealed to me later. I lost a lot of money investing in his future. My self esteem took a hit because I thought that he was the best I could do after high school. I lost all of my so called friends over him. I couldn't have another relationship because I had been with him until I got into recovery years later. I started to just bury my pride. I wanted someone else that I had more in common with a lot. I was selfish to want someone to rescue me from a new school where I knew no one that I wanted to. I was dishonest to say that I was in love with the guy when my feelings were being overwhelmed by fear hatred and disgust for him. I really think that we were meant to be together as long as he seemed to want me, but I was probably just self-seeking for approval from anyone at that point. I was inconsiderate of his feelings by trying to control him with public humiliation. There is probably more that I'm unaware of right now. I also resent being sick and there are other things that I just don't seem to have any feelings about at all. I just have thoughts that are kind of disconnected from reality because I can't feel much about them. I'm becoming a zombie. On the up side I did give him everything I had until he wanted to leave because I wanted to talk with him like two adults in private. I helped him pack. I held out hope even when separated until he married someone else. I let him go. I am still growing in awareness. Thanks.
-- Edited by Bumble Dunny on Monday 6th of July 2015 11:41:52 PM
I hate being physically ill all the time now. It's keeping me from working harder for more money. It's lowering my already low self esteem because I'm not that smart without other smart people around. No one approves of what I can do except for my mom because she doesn't want to depreciate me any more than she has to this point. I can't even get it together to go on a first date. I don't know whether to be proud or ashamed of my prolonged celibacy. I want to get married soon and have at least one child that I can keep. I'm selfish for not helping people who are not helping me. I guess it's dishonest not to tell people how really bad off I am. I'm probably not doing God's will by slacking off on my studies while I'm out of school. I don't even know what to consider about the men I chat with online because we're not really getting to know each other deeply. On the other hand I am helping others who are helping me. I do tell people exactly what's going on with me from time to time. I am seeking Gods will through reading and meditation and actually following through more and more. I'm usually pretty nice to the opposite gender in general even though I don't know any man specifically. Thanks.
Well the details have become more of a delima. I CRS! I do notice that I keep acting out on the same defects even when I'm on my best behavior. It's a knee jerk reaction to what used to be life or death situations. I used to be more dependent on others. Now I'm just not sure but I'm free to try to leave. I pray that God sets my head straight and removes my defects soon. Meanwhile I can try to let go of being perfect in this lifetime too. Thanks.
Well suddenly my elderly mother in her declining health has decided that she's a big girl now and she doesn't need me at all any more. I'm not even to remind her of what needs to be done around here. I can just sit back and do nothing until the people that she pays to do something have her put away for doing nothing. I'll have nothing but the memories of her constant criticisms in my head as I head out to the streets to die. There are no homeless shelters for women here. I must succeed at life or die. I can't take a vacation in an abandoned warehouse like a man. I have to figure out what else to do now. Thanks.
-- Edited by Bumble Dunny on Tuesday 14th of July 2015 03:52:55 AM
I think that I need to search for a job like I shop for food... Carefully checking everything I might need out. I hardly every go to the store for just one thing so that's what I need to do with my job search. Broaden it. I wish I could just go out and get hired on the spot like I used to. But the people who work for me work harder than I can for less than I need. They are the young at heart at least. My heart hurts from the chores I have to do already. I need some light work that pays some heavy cash. Is that right? Ok. I'm not sure what that means but you know what I mean. Pants are made of more than pocket liners and I think that I need to wear some. Thanks.
Well. Back to the subject. I keep remembering that I'm not supposed to tell anyone that they're wrong or what to do after I'm wrong. I hope my brains timing and my own behavior improves soon. Good night for now. Thanks.
Well. It looks like I need to start making more of an effort to be positive with positive people who aren't trying desperately to maintain their street credibility. Lol. It takes me a while to remember things like this. I had a couple of amends almost shut down my recovery because they weren't with recovery friendly people. They seemed totally opposed to my process and almost convinced me to stop trying. I've just been more careful and avoided them. They can come to recovery but I'm not knocking on their doors anymore. Thanks for making that possible today.
