I suppose this may be the point I stand up and say hi my name is and I'm a codependent. I have been struggling alone in the dark for many years...the problem with that is alone in the dark you don't know which way is out. This morning I walked out of my house to go to work...I had recently moved into a home with a person I thought I loved. We had been talking for almost a year I thought for the first time this is it I have finally worked through my problems I will be with a person I care for and peace and happiness will reign. This was not the case...I came home to find everything of theirs gone...with no word...no explanation... Just gone. I know I am a flawed person we all are to some degree it is a sign of the sickness. I know there were the nitpicky things someone with self esteem and dependency issues has..and I often apologized for doing those things because I know to a degree my flaws...but not once did I think there was anything so wrong that I did to just be abandoned like that. Maybe I underestimate my codependecy issues. Even now I wonder is seeking help from others not feeding that codependency? I am raw...I am confused....I am lost....and I am tired. I don't even know where to begin in recovering all I know is something needs to change because where I am and what I have done is obviously not enough and maybe it is time I seek the wisdom from others instead of beating my head against my wall of self pity. I am ready to move passed that wall. I can at least say I am proud of me for making a step forward. It may be the shock of it all but for once I did not cry or scream or throw a fit...I instead made up my mind that enough is enough...something has to change...and that something is me. I feel guilty and ashamed turning to friends and admitting that I allowed this to happen again....yes again ...although I have never been walked out on I have had my fair share of dysfunctional relationships my whole life through. I find a certain healing balm effect from complete heartfelt honest conversation between strangers. Strangers will tell you you are being an A*hole when you are being an A*hole. I have no idea where to start this road of healing. I just know I am tired of holing up inside myself and feeling alone in a room full of people.... Mostly people I know and love.
Welcome. I don't know what you did or if you did anything at all wrong. As they say more will be revealed to you if you keep coming back and work the steps. In the first step we admit that we are powerless over others and have little or nothing to do with their actions and/or inactions. I like to maintain that I have limited influence. Also our lives have somehow gotten unmanageable. Next we get ready for new and different people who might be the same or similar just in a different situation because we've changed. I've experienced much relief from pain and chaos though I'm not perfect and my program still needs work. I might not ever be done here but maintence is a lot easier than initial overhaul.
-- Edited by Bumble Dunny on Thursday 23rd of July 2015 08:56:03 AM
Being abandoned is so painful, I am sorry you are experiencing this. But I am so glad you have reached out. There is a lot to read here on MIP, hopefully you will find it helpful and will continue to share your journey with us. I found the boards of MIP a great place to be until I worked up the courage to get to a face to face 12 step meeting. For me it was AA at first, then Al-Anon and now CoDA. You may want to do some research to see what meetings are in your area and which will be a good fit for you. Perhaps even ACoA (now Adult Children Anonymous).
Getting to a meeting is scary if it is your first time. Just understand that these people have had similar experiences to your own and you no longer need to feel alone. Nothing is expected of you, just go and listen.
And we are here for you. I know raw ... can barely breathe, showering and eating are challenging, much less everything else you have to do. I get it and I think you have taken the PERFECT response to it. I will bump Step 1 up to the top so you can take a look at how to get started.
Willing
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Thank you very much. Breathing and eating are difficult. There isn't substance abuse involved just my sickness of the heart and soul. I have looked into CoDA meetings in my area with no luck so I don't know where to really turn. I know I'm tired of feeling like I'm flying out of control around other people... I'm tired of angry....I'm just tired of hurting like this. I am ashamed to admit these things to my loved ones that I screwed life up yet again. I feel like a failure because I can't cope with people. Yeah breathing right now hurts.
Today I found a group and went to a meeting... It wasn't a CoDA group but I was told it doesn't matter really where you start but that you take action and start.
Oh how often we take the blame for another's , IMO, bad behavior. To be abandoned hurts so bad (been there- done that) but I tell me if that person, place or thing was meant to be, then I dont' have to #1 fight to hang on #2 worry about loss BC what is mine by universal right is mine #3 worry about anything but my side of the street and my part and perhaps my part was the lesson (person) and what do I need to learn from that lesson. Working step 4 over and over and I will work it until I breath my last breath helps me see what areas I need to work on
So So sorry this happened to you. He did this. Not you. And to me? For him to leave with no explain (hope I read your post right) shows me that the "loss" of him may be a blessing in disguise. I have only left w/out a word when there was blatant abuse and I felt for my safety I had to remove me. Otherwise a nice sit down , explaining that we just are not a match, is always nice for the other to have closure and to move on. Sending you hugs of support
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Katie J.
Love begins within me and then radiates out to the universe
Thank you Katie. I wonder if he felt abused and couldn't speak to me although I tried to always make him understand I would understand anything if he told me...I may be hurt but I would make an effort to understand. It was his choice and I have to be accepting of that. His choice his reasoning and it has nothing to do with me. He was a lesson. I have to be thankful because without this without him I would continue to ruin my life...he saved me. It hurts like hell...but he saved me.
Thank you Katie. I wonder if he felt abused and couldn't speak to me although I tried to always make him understand I would understand anything if he told me...I may be hurt but I would make an effort to understand. It was his choice and I have to be accepting of that. His choice his reasoning and it has nothing to do with me. He was a lesson. I have to be thankful because without this without him I would continue to ruin my life...he saved me. It hurts like hell...but he saved me.
It still hurts, though, and I am so sorry this happened. Don'tcha just hate those "FGO's"??? (Friggin growth opportunities). God only knows what he was thinking or most likely running from when he left. I am glad you see it as a life saving lesson. I think I got a life saver too. I do freelance business consulting and I acquired this "new account" and realized that "omg, I can't see them Tuesday, I am already working" So I text the sweet one and hes fine with my need to move them up to next week. The other guy whom I felt kind of "wary" of, calls me and tries to bully me into seeing them next week as stated or "I'm just going to have to get someone else" I state that I shall do my best to work this in like after I get home and he is kind of "on me" about this and finally I said "if you need to replace me, then so be it". He called later and did just that. I needed that account, but I don't need bullying. Maybe his rejection is some sort of protection for me. Perhaps this is the same kinda thing for you re: the MIA boyfriend? Just thinking out loud. Hope this helped you in some way. and yea, rejection, abandonment absolutely sucks!! And it hurts like hell. Hugs
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Katie J.
Love begins within me and then radiates out to the universe
FGO's are a super love hate relationship. Today I am seriously struggling with anger about the abandonment. Why was I so easily tossed aside like a piece of garbage. I swear today is the kind of day I would catch a charge if I saw him because all I want to do is scream WHY?! over and over while beating him.....yeah I'm about as angry as a baptized cat today. Maybe I'm hitting the anger portion of the grieving process.... I hid at work for about 20 minutes just hyperventilating and hysterical just because I want to know why....and the truth....the really ****ty truth...is I could be thrown out like garbage because I am like a blank piece of paper...I treat myself like garbage because I don't know who I am. I'm nothing special in my mind I treat myself like garbage... I get angry when people don't respect me but I don't respect myself...what is there to respect after all? I just want to do the Charlie Brown scream and cry.
WonderGirl, In a few weeks, or months, down the road. You will be writing him a thank you card for letting you go. Trust me.
My tips, looking back on my "blown to hell and back relationship disaster", Get off Facebook. I found myself snooping on the EX.
Make sure your friends are true to you only. For me this was not a problem. Not very many friends to start with.
Go for walks or something to improve yourself in some way that you enjoy. I played par 3 golf or walked to loose a few pounds.
Catch yourself if the ex comes to mind. Immediately start saying the serenity prayer. You'll be fine.
Thank you fap..... Facebook is not a problem I am blocked by him so hey no worries on snooping...I do know this is the best thing to happen to me but I'm just so dang angry...I guess mostly at myself for not seeing it sooner. For not seeing I needed help sooner. I think I need the serenity prayer more than ever today.
.I do know this is the best thing to happen to me but I'm just so dang angry...I guess mostly at myself for not seeing it sooner. For not seeing I needed help sooner. I think I need the serenity prayer more than ever today.
Hi Wonder, I do the same thing. Blame me for not being able to "read" an impending bad event. And i love what fap said. You will be thanking maybe not him, but your Higher Power for this "loss" that really was not a loss but a blessing in disguise. Be gentle with you. Forgive you. So you picked someone and it didn't last. You're not the first one to do this. its OK to make a mistake. You will learn a huge lesson in this and be grateful. The Serenity prayer is a good fall back when we get too deep in our stinking thinking. Be gentle on you. May you re-discover your self love and may you be peaceful HUGS
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Katie J.
Love begins within me and then radiates out to the universe
