Today I realized my life was unmanageable that I had allowed my self will and controlling behavior to rule my life. I realized I am an addict...period.... I am an addict same as an alcoholic same as a drug abuser....I am an addict and my substance of choice is people. And today I admit that. Today I found a group and went to a meeting and today I began a road to recovery like an addict. I got into a discussion about how as an addict not in recovery I am a blank canvas...I don't know who I am...I don't know what I want....I can't tell you what makes me laugh....I can't tell you what my favorite thing to do is....I can't because I don't know. Control and manipulation are elements of my sickness...I am a leader at work and I asked...when is it me being a leader and telling my employees what needs to be done and when is it me feeding my sickness and being controlling? The answer I got....when you internalize the thing that you do and make it your identity you have overstepped and are now being an addict and an abuser. Well I do that...I get angry when people don't do what I want my way. My jobs IS part of my identity because I don't know who I am apart from the people I am trying to control and use. But today....today I know one small piece...which probably ain't so small in the first place...I am an addict...today I choose to be an addict working on recovery. Today I wake up thankful for the opportunity to take a deep breath and say this. Today I am thankful to say I AM AN ADDICT...AND I CHOOSE RECOVERY.
Seriously, I have goosebumps and tears welling up in my eyes. I was never as completely beaten down as I was when I said those same words. I had to spit them out. Unmanageable? Me? I manage EVERYTHING. But that was the turning point for me. They say Step 1 is the only one you can do 100%. It sure sounds to me like you have done it.
I surrendered 100%. Then I did what I was told with an open mind and heart. I tried to leave all my judgements and preconceived notions at the door.
You went to a meeting. That is SO FANTASTIC. Great job. Please keep going and we would love to share in your journey. You help us by sharing.
You have inspired me today. Thank you.
Willing
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
I am still struggling today....I want so bad to take the reins I am trying to be mindful of triggers but I am exhausted and scattered.... I am hoping to go again tonight but I don't know if I will be able to. It seems like I'm OK I'm strong....until I get around people... Because that is my addiction...people and I work in retail...smh...there is no getting away from people.
Hi, everyone! New to this forum but not new to recovery
I am a control addict. I have to know everything that will happen in my life. I quake at the thought of being powerless and to me it feels like victim or helplessness. So as part of my disease , I am a control addict. Turning it over feels like, to me, jumping off a cliff and hoping something or someone will catch me before i hit the rocks below. I am trying to change that with the first 3 steps which are very very hard.
Thanks for letting me share
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Katie J.
Love begins within me and then radiates out to the universe
Oh honey I feel you....my addiction is control too. I control because I have absolutely no sense of who I am. I take everything on as if it is a part of or reflection of me and when it doesn't go as I want or envision I become enraged. I was told after a meeting the other day that I don't have relationships I hold emotional hostages and it is true. Whether I draw someone in then try to control their actions or I push them away to keep them at bay...I still control that. Trust me I have been having a daily struggle with 1 2 & 3.
Oh honey I feel you....my addiction is control too. I control because I have absolutely no sense of who I am. I take everything on as if it is a part of or reflection of me and when it doesn't go as I want or envision I become enraged. I was told after a meeting the other day that I don't have relationships I hold emotional hostages and it is true. Whether I draw someone in then try to control their actions or I push them away to keep them at bay...I still control that. Trust me I have been having a daily struggle with 1 2 & 3.
Oh (((Wonder))) so its normal , i guess to rage when not in control. You hit the nail on the head when you said that. When things don't go my way or I am threatened by job loss or any unexpected setback and I have no control, I am angry!!! I had to giggle when you said "emotional hostages" now that sounds familiar. 11 years in CoDA has helped me change so much, but the control thing??? My nemesis and its all out of fear!! I just can't trust! I am so glad you responded to me. Your post was fantastic. Hugs of support
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Katie J.
Love begins within me and then radiates out to the universe
Katie I am so brand new to all this I appreciate the insight you share as well. Today I am raging...I want to know why? And not just on my behalf but on the behalf of others. I was not the only one abandoned on this one. Let me be clear I have serious issues stretching years and many relationships but this one is so new and raw it is taking up all my attention. I am still grieving to a degree. I seriously hope to continue productive conversation with you in the future because I could use all the help I can get.
Katie I am so brand new to all this I appreciate the insight you share as well. Today I am raging...I want to know why? And not just on my behalf but on the behalf of others. I was not the only one abandoned on this one. Let me be clear I have serious issues stretching years and many relationships but this one is so new and raw it is taking up all my attention. I am still grieving to a degree. I seriously hope to continue productive conversation with you in the future because I could use all the help I can get.
Hi Wonder. I know when I am raging it is a fear of some kind. Being powerless is a catastrophe to me. I still associate it with being helpless and here comes another victimization of me attitude. Sick? Yes. But soo CoDA. Also I notice that anger and raging are a "lid" to some great pain. So is it a lid to fear? Or Pain? That is the question. Usually it is one or the other or perhaps both. I just be with me. Be with my feelings. Drag out step 4 and go over it. I have been in your situation of total lack of control over others, places, circumstances many times and for sure the outcomes when I am endeavoring to do something and when events turn not to my liking, I rage which kind of gives me an illusion of control. Also the "high" I get from my anger is just as addictive as any other thing, i.e., control, over eating, etc. to Rage gives me a sense of "power" and its an illusion. But when I am in my disease, I don't see it rationally. I hope this shed some light for you. I am doing behavior modification therapy on myself re: my anger, catching it early, doing self talk, reaching out to others, screaming in the outside air, taking a stick and bashing my couch if it is that bad. but to discharge it and not to let it control me. I am doing the needing to scream, hit couches less because I am doing self talk re: my perception of the event that is the trigger to my anger and rage. It is all in the perception which triggers what emotions. I try to "ward it off" in the perceptive arena by re-examining why do I think this way?? Is the fear rational?? Is this the end of my world?? I just try to shrink the perception down to a reality based size. I awfulize things. Its always the worse case scenario that i imagine because in my past it WAS the worst case scenario. Now I have choices. Now I can take care of me. Now I can defend me. AND a lot of times the worst does not happen. I am working on changing my perception of people, places, events, etc. that come into my life. I may get fired on Wednesday because I refuse to write off expenses that are lies on this business's books. I may not get fired. I am going to stand up for what is right. I am doing self talk through out this day that I could or could not lose this job. And is it worth the stress keeping it?? Employer refuses to provide me with materials needed to do my job. I can never get information on certain transactions BC he is not forthcoming. I dread going there. So what am I really losing? IF I lose it?? I am not over optimistic, however I notice that I am not overly pessimistic. I am in the middle, sort of, AND I notice that I am not obsessing over this undesirable situation. I am realizing that to resist produces negative energy so I am willing, with some trepidation, to what will be will be. I will find someone else. I must and am willing to believe in me, the love of the universe and the power of my program.
So sorry to ramble on your post. I am just thinking out loud for both of us. I sure hope you got something out of my ramblings, lol
HUGS
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Katie J.
Love begins within me and then radiates out to the universe
Katie I enjoy listening to you. Rambling or not there is a lot of good information to glean from what you say so I look forward to hearing from you. Part of this is just verbalizing the obsessive crazy thoughts that run nonstop in my head and part of it is to hear that yes I'm crazy but crazy doesn't have to control me and that there is hope as long as I'm willing to work for it and be honest with myself.
