After an affair, my continued dishonesty about myself and the two years of severe troubles that brought to my marriage, I have finally reached a place that feels different. Two years of meditation, reading, counseling, highs, lows, reattempts at getting back together. All the hurt, obsessive longing, wishing, attempts at "fixing" things or "making" her feel different, I have finally accepted that I can not control her feelings. I can not make her trust me. I have given up "expecting" that my wants and needs will be meet, that I have to handle those on my own. I acknowledge that my life is unmanageable and this is my fault, not anyone elses. I have an new understanding of who I am and what my healthy needs would be in a relationship, but I release that she needs to meet those, I don't know if she can, I don't know what the future will bring and I realize it is out of my control.
I feel good to be released from the obsessive worry and anxiety that focusing all your energy on another person brings to my life. I simple am. I am lonely sometimes, it is hard sometimes picking up the pieces and not knowing how I will rebuild after all the disasters in my life, but at least I am accepting and not overly focused on these feelings. I let myself feel them, they pass, I hold hope that things will be better in the future. I am in between, having let go of my old patterns and life (I hope) but not having arrived at what's ahead.
Last night we talked for a long time and I tried to let her know the place I am in. Not sure if she fully understood, but I think she has an idea. She said she didn't know what I needed right now from her, what would be a healthy way of interacting with me, what would be the best for my recovery. I have to say I don't know either. I would say I am trying not to need anything from her, but I would accept what she wants to give with a generous heart. I would like to build a new relationship, a very honest one where we state our needs and boundaries clearly and are accepting of the answers we get, where there is no dance of guilt trips and hurt feelings and expectations. I would like to have our easy affection back. I would like to make love again. I think I am ready to try, but I am worried of getting complacent and falling back into old behaviors as soon as I get the comfort and security of a relationship back. That I will start giving to get and unconsciously try to manipulate her to make me feel better when I should be doing that myself. It is uncomfortable not being with her and uncomfortable to think about being with her. All I can think is to try and keep working my program and staying alert to my feelings and anxieties, to continue questioning my own behaviors even when I am happy until I can trust that I will choose healthy ways of relating as a new habit, and not revert to my old. I can learn and read and meditate and journal but at some point I have to put this stuff into practice in the real world. I want to practice this new me with her, not anyone else, but that is going to be the most challenging situation I can think of given my codependency. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to approach this.
"I feel good to be released from the obsessive worry and anxiety that focusing all your energy on another person brings to my life".
From me reading this line in your post,it sounds like you still obsessive about her. Because Then you say, " I want to practice this new me with her, not anyone else".
I would suggest to stop over thinking about what you are feeling or doing. Seems like you are worried that if you do something wrong this woman will possible leave you again.
It's no fun walking on egg shells in a relationship. Say what you want to say to her straight up. Will you mess up? Probably. But that's another learning experience for you.
Recovery to me means. I understand my self enough to see how I manipulate people to get what I want. If I stop setting up the trap to get the person in the position I want them in, to serve my purpose. And I let them decide for themselves, if they want to interact with me, Great if they do. If not, I move on.
When I'm recovered enough to accept whatever the choice of the other person might be. Then I have done a good job with my recovery.
Sure sounds like you are working hard on yourself. The thought I had after reading your post is that I am extremely myopic. If I am thinking about the future, how I am going to handle it, will I be changed etc., I lose sight of the present. I do it, I future trip quiet often. But I try to practice focusing on what I am doing right now because that is when the change is happening. I have no idea what I or anyone else is going to do in the future. In fact I have been paying close attention to my future tripping episodes lately and then when I get to that time in the future ... let's say my upcoming adventure this weekend ... it never looks ANYTHING like what I was daydreaming about. I need to be VERY careful with that as I am setting expectations that will not be met, EVER. Even if the future is better than my daydream I may look at it as a failure because it doesn't match the picture in my head.
So with that, I try to do the same with the changes in myself. Do I want to be this elegant, wise, insightful, helpful, honest, authentic, wonderful, perfect person? Of course I do! But I am me which also includes the clumsy, obtuse, close-minded, selfish, dishonest, person who hides how she feels out of fear. I think the best way to learn how to be the great person I want to be is learn tools to help me do that and then focus on the present moment and try to be that. Just now. I can worry about the future when it gets here and hopefully learn some lessons from my mistakes along the way.
I don't know if I have any advice on how you can improve your situation. It appears that you are doing the work and putting it into practice. Just keep living one day at a time and doing what you are doing.
We hope you keep coming back and sharing your journey.
Willing
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Thank you for the welcome and the comments. I probably am overthinking it, that is a trait I have, which I continually cope with. Focusing on one event or one thought and worrying it to death. I think the overall point of my post is that for the first time in a long time, I don't feel obsessive about her, what she thinks about me, if she is going to come back to me. I am actively giving up the wants and needs that go along with having a romantic relationship with her. Not that those things are unhealthy in and of themselves, its just that they are so good and comforting they make forget that I really don't NEED them, I can live without them. So for now I have let them go and I am floating free. I don't know if I will get to experience those things fully with her again or with someone else, I would like to and she is an amazing person so I want it to be with her. I can't know the future. Like you said fap123, I accept the choices of the other person, whatever they might be. If those choices are not what is true to me or what I need, I can make a choice for myself. I am probably overly worried and just need to do it, to put what I have been learning into practice, if she is willing. I probably will mess up, maybe several times. I might get obsessive about something that happens or let expectations creep in. BUT, I can mess up honestly I suppose. I can enjoy what we have together and if I run into problems I can catch myself and be honest with both her and myself about it. And start trying again. Its all we can do, our best.
