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Post Info TOPIC: Just Beginning


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Just Beginning
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Hi All.  I'm just beginning to deal with my codependency issues. I've been reading the books, listening to people at a local meeting I attend. This weekend I have many bittersweet feelings. I got into something with a friend and to make the long story short she was saying I was being very distant. I truly was feeling suffocated by her always wanting to make plans. I was feeling like I was responsible for her happiness because she was telling me she was lonely. I happen to mention that I could not be responsible for her happiness and making her feel not lonely and that she needs to find those things within herself.  If she were in some type of program she would know what I mean but she's not and found what I said to her very insulting.  So two questions....did I say the wrong thing?   And..... Why is it that it physically feels like suffocation when she wants to be together all the time?  It feels good at first to not be alone but then that wears off and I suffocat.



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Welcome Dragonfeather,


If my friend called me constantly wanting to go somewhere/do something. I could simply let the phone call go to voice mail. Make plans to study coda material by myself, or some other activity. If the person wanted to go to a meeting with me. I might invite them a few times, but being cautious not to become codependent in this activity with them.

You are correct in that you are not responsible for someone else's happiness. But telling someone this type of information is never received as kind by them.
Letting someone struggle trying to figure out why they can’t find happiness in their own life, is painful to watch. But often times the only way they can learn.
The drinker only recognizes his drinking problem when he lost it all. The wife, the kids, the house, the cars, the money, the job, and he laying in his own puke. Same for the codependent behaviors. I only look at myself because I was in a lot of pain from relationship failures. I want to have healthy and happy relationships. I had to be broken to be able to look at myself honestly.
Hope this is helpful. Just my opinion.

Peace

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Hello Dragonfeather,

Much of what you wrote resonated with me; That is, I sound somewhat like your friend you are describing. I have come to the point already where I realize that I am basing much of my "happiness" on another person's actions/behavior. (I put "happiness" in quotes because it is a common word that actually does not fully describe what I feel or yearn for - The word should be reassurance or life-guard. That is really what she means to me at times. It is sad but true) 

I wrote about this in another post here  http://coda.activeboard.com/t60895453/learning-to-let-go/

The friendship between myself and my friend has been eroding over the last two years, and recently, has sunk to a new all-time low (in my opinion). I place SO MUCH pressure on myself to constantly contact her and make sure that she is doing okay - At least that is what I tell myself. I do indeed care for her deeply, but I am actually reaching out to her in a sick manner to console myself, not her (if that makes sense).

I can no longer take this downward spiral of emotions. I have not yet figured out how to remedy the problem, but one thing I do realize... the remedy begins within myself, not her.

 

 

 



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Interesting discussion.

Right now I am on a kick about honesty and being authentic. 

I have been on both sides, although since getting in recovery I depend on others for my happiness much less.  In fact, the only time I am not content is when someone brings discord into my life.

Recently I had someone in my life who offered me nothing emotionally or intellectually.  The disconnect came off as dismissive and uncaring.  I couldn't deal with it and let them go.  He was a trigger for me and brought on a LOT of fear, reminding me of a narcissist I had a toxic relationship with in the past.  When I finally had to speak my truth and step away ... my voice shook ... but I did it.  I was honest and I perhaps didn't appear strong at the time, but it took more strength than I sometimes think I have.

The flip side of that is another relationship I had where the person just smothered me.  I could feel their neediness drawing my energy away from me.  It felt like desperation.  I talked to him about it honestly, focusing on being kind and gentle, expressed how it made me feel and tried to set some boundaries but it didn't work.  We are still friends, but I had to put some serious distance between us and he was very clear on why because I told him my truth.

In both of these situations I never pointed a finger at them, labeled them, or asked them to change.  I expressed my feeling honestly, stated my needs, and set boundaries (and enforced them).  I might not have been as graceful as I wished ... those things can be terrifying ... but I did it.  I am not carrying any guilt about either situation because I was honest, authentic and open.

My whole point here is that my experience has been that being honest with someone is less painful in the long run than just disconnecting with no explanation.  My first example I pushed him several times to talk to me, to share what he was feeling.  Want me to stay or go?  More or less?  Give me some idea of what is going on.  I got nothing, so I walked away in frustration and he sure didn't win my respect.  Not sharing your truth in my book is not being emotionally mature.  The second example, by me sharing my feelings with kindness he new exactly where he stood.  I wasn't judging him, it wasn't 'good or bad', it is just that his needs were too much for me.  He was ok with that.  I cared about his feelings enough to be honest.

Willing



-- Edited by willing on Friday 25th of September 2015 10:32:20 AM

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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi

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