I once heard a rule of thumb that I liked. In a meeting someone shared that their definition of helping is “Doing something for someone who could not have done that act for himself or herself.” So the first question I ask myself is: “Can this person do it for himself or herself?” If the answer is yes, then as hard as it may be, I keep my hands at my sides and my mouth stays shut. The second question is: “Did they specifically ask me for help?” If the answer to the first question is YES and the second question is NO, then I keep my hands at my sides and my mouth stays shut. The word ‘specifically’ is important because many times I’ve heard people rationalize their actions by claiming that although someone didn’t openly ask for help “it was implied”. I don’t read minds anymore. One of my favorite examples of exercising this tool comes up during our group’s meetings from time to time. Sometimes people share things that may cause them or others to feel strong emotions, and we keep a box of tissues in the center of the room for anyone who needs them. Whenever this happens I see it as a chance for me to exercise this tool. The person who is being overcome by emotion can clearly see the box of tissues in the middle of the circle and, as the saying goes, “their legs ain’t broken”. In one case we did have someone who’d been injured and was on crutches — well, his mouth wasn’t broken. If the person’s not able to get himself or herself a tissue then they can ask someone for assistance. So I sit in my chair and do nothing. Almost every time someone else in the group ends up getting the box of tissues even though they were never asked to. I say nothing and chuckle to myself because I understand what’s just happened: their belief that “helping is good” overrode his or her decision to respect boundaries. There are some people in this world who feel if they need assistance they shouldn’t have to ask for it, people should just act. Essentially this is saying that they want people to cross boundaries without being asked. At the heart of it this is an unhealthy belief: “If you love me you’ll cross my boundaries.” That’s the same logic abusers use to justify physical, sexual, and verbal abuse. Anyone who wants this has issues to work out for himself or herself they are not my issues. As I heard someone say once, “You can keep the magazines; I no longer subscribe to these issues.” In general, any time I hear anyone say, “If you love me you’ll “ it’s an attempt to should on me. No, I don’t have to ____. I can love someone without having to do anything. See Also: Replacing Old Beliefs with New Ones I Don’t Read Minds Anymore Friendship Circles Never Let Anyone “Should” on You My First Thought Isn’t My Own Recognizing Love Love Is Like A Sixth Sense A Guide To The Recovery Toolbox - www.RecoveryBookPress.com