I am really grateful for this site. I have been in NA, clean for over a year but I have been wondering for some time now if my addiction to relationships were the real problem, my drug addiction a result of the pain of being in codependent relationships for most my life. My rock bottom, and the worse drug I ever did was a guy, for sure.
This is my question. I have recently been dating someone whom I met in Recovery. The relationship is totally new to me, the most healthy in communication and honesty, but how do you know when your ready?
I’m no expert in relationship here for sure. But here’s my opinion, for what it’s worth.
I think one would be ready if they are keeping themselves true to themselves by not falling into the common patterns that most codependency people have.
Some Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:
• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
• Chronic anger
• Lying/dishonesty
• Poor communications
• Difficulty making decisions
I believe each day will be a challenge for me. Some days I do great at holding my ground with boundaries I set. And other days I fail, and it seems like I’m at square one, again.
Keeping oneself accountable with a trusted friend or sponsor, may be the extra insurance that guards from getting hurt from a relationship that goes the wrong direction. I know when I’ve been in past relationships. I could not see anything wrong, because I was right in the middle of the storm. Someone from the outside can see the relationship way more clearly, and help to see where I let my boundaries down.
Ape130, have you been hiding in the shadows on here? Long time no hear.
When I found a Coda meeting to go to in my area. About 4 months in, I found a guy who agree to be a sponsor. He had been in Coda for years.
The way he sponsored me (he had several other people as well) was Coda has a workbook that I was doing with some other people in the coda group. This group started with about 12 people but over the weeks and months went down to 4 people.
So as I worked the step in this workbook, and answered the questions for that chapter. I would call my sponsor every week at a certain time and day, and I would read what I wrote down for the dozen or so questions in each chapter of the book. If there was some point I didn’t bring up, he would toss that into the discussion.
For me, the sponsor helped guide me in feeling I was doing the workbook the right way.
Everyone in the workbook class group were newbie’s like me. So in this book study class we were just winging the process. This group class was separate from the regular meeting class.
The sponsor also help me in handling phone calls from my ex-GF, he would suggest ways of how a healthy person may handle the same type issue. Setting boundaries, taking care of myself.
During that time, I was really thinking about everything, and everyone else but me.
I did the 12 step meetings 2 times a week. And the workbook study once a week for about a year.
I no longer attend meetings or continued contact with the sponsor.
Currently, I still read Coda material and visit this site, journaling my thoughts to rock stars like you.
Because everyone is different, what may, or may not work for me. Could be a perfect fit to help another person. Getting help to educate oneself about codependency behavior is the keys to living a fulfilled happy life. You young peep’s should be running circle around me. Get busy doing.
Fap123, you are the rock star! I love your response/experience.
As for someone who keeps me accountable ...
It is someone who doesn't co-sign my BS. If I ask for an opinion or feedback on something I know they will be honest with me. It is usually someone "who has what I want", meaning they live life in a healthy way (they have good relationship skills).
Being in recovery (12 step programs) helps you find people like that. Not all people in recovery are healthy, we don't fly through the doors of a 12 step program on the wings of victory, but those who have spent time REALLY working on themselves usually have the ability to help you be accountable in working your program and changing your life. If they are really good, they will follow the principles of the program and only share their experience (I stink at this at times and LOVE to share my opinion) ... but they will share their experience and ask you questions that will help you find YOUR truth.
Fap123 just gave you an excellent example of doing just that.
I hope that helps!
Willing
__________________
Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Your question always makes me think of folks who say "I'm not ready to have kids." Are we EVER?
Not poking fun, but I still don't know if I'm ready for a relationship.
It sounds like it is a good one ... two people working on improving themselves and communicating in a healthy way. I think that and trust are the key ingredients to a good relationship, but as Fap123 said ... I'm no relationship expert!
Check in with your recovery folks (please include us in the circle) about what you are experiencing, feeling and practicing and I think you will be fine.
Please keep coming back!
Willing
__________________
Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
I love that--what you said about others sharing just their experience and then asking questions to me find my own truth. I hope I will be able to discover that on my journey. I do have a few people in my life that I feel would be honest with me and not sugar coat things, that's both scary and wonderful. I have not started attending a 12 step program face to face yet, and will admit I've been somewhat in denial about whether I need to go, I'm nervous that I have no business being there and don't want to feel shame.
And yes FAP123, I was in the shadows the last week or so, so often it seems without a push I am terrible at long term committment to change.
