Hey all. A few days ago I finally opened up to my closest friend--we consider one another sisters--about my codependency and how I plan to start into a 12 step face to face program. Knowing me like she does, she told me to start this week (since I told her I'd been putting it off for a month). She knew I was secretly wanting someone to tell me I had to, because then I knew I would just to please.
Anyway, yesterday was a really hard day for me. I made arrangements for my kids so when I start meetings on THursday they will have somewhere to go. I think the reality of the whole thing is going to such a meeting/program means I am finally admitting I have a problem that I can't fix alone and that is HARD. Especially since it's hard for me to admit mistakes. But I think the hardest thing about yesterday was that Momma said she thinks we should take a break on doing piano together, so that I can spend more time with my kids and put them first with the limited time I now have. That was our special time together that we shared, and though I know logically shes right about putting my kids first, I am SO attached to her that this hurt me terribly. I was a mess--she doesn't know it. Words can't really describe how it felt--like she was letting me go in some way. Though my friend said it was likely Momma's way of trying to help me, it got me thinking. Can I really do this? One little detachment from Momma and I'm a terrified mess, and that wasn't even a big change. Perhaps it gets worse before it gets better when you begin recovery?
Recovery can be hard, I admit it. The good outweighs the struggles by far and the end result is AMAZING.
I highly encourage you to go.
One of the things I didn't expect as someone who doesn't ask for help and isolates is the DEEP sense of relief when I found a group of people who had the same struggles as I do and were willing to help me help myself. I was no longer alone.
My guess is that your relationship with Mama will improve in addition to your overall well-being.
Please keep coming back.
Willing
__________________
Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Thanks willing. I surely hope you are right. Momma hasn't been answering messages all day today and not much yesterday which is unlike her. I'm so worried that it had something to do with our conversation,though I wouldn't think she would act this extreme. But I usually assume blame when I don't know!
Thanks willing. I surely hope you are right. Momma hasn't been answering messages all day today and not much yesterday which is unlike her. I'm so worried that it had something to do with our conversation,though I wouldn't think she would act this extreme. But I usually assume blame when I don't know!
It’s has been said. with age comes wisdom. So with my age and expedience. I have learned to be prepared for un-expected change. I still don’t happily accept change in my life. But I realize that I need to at least bend to keep from breaking.
When I was right in the middle of my storm, I found comfort in knowing that others were available, who could help me to talk about my feeling and thoughts. After a bit of time, I was able to reflect back, and see how what I thought was a great healthy relationship, was far from it. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.
I suggest to anyone dealing with relationship issues involving codependency, to use any available resources at your disposal.
The only way out is through.
But you can ask for help along the way.
Fap123, Did you find that those resources as far as people go that you used to help when you needed to talk about your thoughts and feelings needed to be people who understood codependency?
It's a constant battle in my head with what to share because a part of me wants to share and feel supported, while the other part of me is terrified to share too much and lose those I love. Obviously if I'm being honest I'm currently referring to Momma, since I'm attached to her. But this has happened in the past with others as well. I don't want to isolate, but I can't seem to find that balance.
Congrats on getting started with the 12 step thing, that sounds like a big step. Interesting that right at the same time, you find yourself with some extra time with ceasing the piano lessons. Things have a way of working out. While I can appreciate wanting to spend time with your parents, it does sound a bit like over-attachment. Whenever I find myself in that situation, I ask myself what I'm seeking. Do I need to step in and parent myself? Do I need to support myself? Do I need to listen to myself? Am I seeking something externally that I need to give myself internally? Do I simply need to fill my time with something else?
It's tough because even in the most balanced and healthy parental relationships, emotions run high and we can sometimes look to them for answers we need to answer for ourselves.
Oh yeah, look who’s the newest (veteran member) on here, ape130. Congratulations!
My answer to the question is yes and no. Next question.
Oh, you wanted the longer answer. Lol
I found a guy to be my sponsor in the 12 step meeting I went to. This sponsor was a lot of help to me because I could relate more to him as we were closer in age and life experiences.
But before the sponsor, while dealing with this stuff on my own. I would call my sister who lives out of town. We haven’t seen each other in 15 years or more. She doesn’t understand codependency to any great degree. In fact, she has called me, in the past few months, complaining about her husband calling her bad names, and him and her getting in arguments that would last for days.
I see the codependency behaviors she is dealing with in these issues in her life. She afraid of leaving him due to her health, financial issues, and so on. She even said she was thinking the only reason he was staying, is to collect money when she dies from the bank account and house.
Does that sound like someone who has a good understanding of codependency behaviors to you?
I don’t open up to everyone I meet with my problems, or even other family members. I trusted my sister, and at the time and it was helpful to talk about what I was feeling.
I also went to a therapist until I ran out of money. Lol
I also enjoy reading post online as well; it helps me to see different perspectives of how someone else may see a problem.
Right willing
On a side note: I thought you said momma was the one who told you, that you were acting codependent? So wouldn’t momma be as prepared as anyone to help support you, as well as setting healthy boundaries for herself?
“It's a constant battle in my head with what to share because a part of me wants to share and feel supported, while the other part of me is terrified to share too much and lose those I love”
Here is what I see in this sentence. And I can insert my ex GF or anyone else for that matter
I try to control (Ex-GF, momma) by only sharing certain things that won’t upset her, and avoid sharing feeling that may be eating me alive inside, but that I feel may upset (Ex-GF,momma) if I shared my true feelings, and then she may leave me.
This is step one of the 12 steps. Admitting we are powerless over others.
Yes, Fap123 - reading past posts is helpful . Our continued presence here will help that grow for those who find us in the future. We all have something to offer.
In the beginning sharing on MIP was a huge help. Then I went to my first meetings and working up the courage to share in those was difficult but soon such a relief. I remember my first meeting like it was yesterday. We are all sitting in our little circle, folks start to share and I am FLOORED, no one says anything in response. This person's feeling just flew out of their mouth and landed on the floor with a splat (what it felt like), she was crying and no one did anything! I was appalled. LOL!!!!
Didn't take long to learn that that was how it was supposed to be and there was HEALING in it. People not cross talking or giving advice was HEALTHY. And the process of getting it out, speaking my truth, expressing my pain to people who understood and cared.
AMAZING
Give it a try.
Willing
__________________
Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Willing, I did get up the courage a few days ago to attend my first face to face meeting. It was small, just 4 of us aND the facilitator and I shared just a small bit because I am still very guarded in person with strangers. But I can see hope in this!
Fap123, thank you for redirecting my words so that I could see more clearly my attempt to contol...and that it relates to step 1. Maybe I'll be brave and talk to her more openly. Yes, Momma was the one who told me about my codependency, and she definitely has boundaries. I think it's those boundaries that I'm afraid of and how those reactions will be very hard for me to process and not take as a rejection! But I can'tmake it past step 1 without letting go of control.
I am also seeing a therapist once a month. He told me to watch myself and that its okay to ask questions, but to do it for understanding and not for approval. (Yeahhhh, that's gonna be easy, insert sarcasm ha ha)
And thanks to you both for congratulating me on veteran status! :) Now if I could just be as honest in person!
No body comes sprinting out of the gates of codependency to recovery and succeeds. Baby steps, one day at a time, is what it takes. A willingness to change.
As I worked to change my way of living, and learned to stopped doing things to feel needed by someone. I am finally able to look back at what I left behind. It feels good to finally not lug the responsibility of others around. Like setting down a large bag of rocks. Once it's set down. Why do I want to pick it back up? Learning to live an authentic self, becomes more important to me.
By the way ape130, you get bonus points for having some humor, and being able to laugh at yourself.
. Our continued presence here will help that grow for those who find us in the future. We all have something to offer.