I'm aware of a CODA group conscience that seems to be out of control.
1. There appears to be a "super conscience" of 4 or 5 people (including the person who started the group) who seem to meet and make decisions that they then ask the regular, post-meeting GC to approve. (Maybe this is OK, IDK)
2. There are instances where they have refused to adhere to their side of the conflict resolution document on CODA.org.
- They have gossiped about an allegation made by an unhealthy member against another member
- They held their own private, secret GC and decided what they would do
- They held an ambush meeting against the accused member
- They used literature and materials that - at the time - were not able to be traced back to any sanctioned literature (after-the-fact, a good bit was eventually found to have roots in a couple of pamphlets)
- They have cross talked by "sharing", commenting on not just what someone else shared, but also made an accusation of that person's motives and/or intent
- When confronted by someone about some of these things, they refused to hear what the other party had to say; Literally, it was: "We prayed about it and have peace that we handled the situation properly"
3. They barred a member
- Basing that on the allegations gossiped about in the above, plus some that definitely were made up - presenting all of this information to the regular GC as 'fact'; they failed to authenticate or verify the allegations.
- The barred member was accused of "13-stepping" even though they were actually the victim of emotional and financial abuse by the accusing member (the one who really was "13-stepping")
- They defined what that person's 'recovery' needed to look like before they would be permitted to return
The primary victim of the above has had several PTSD-type panic attacks because of all of this. Kind of ironic that the one place people go to find "strength and hope" has become a source of trauma.
I feel bad for the people who still go and any newcomers who will eventually fall victim to this group. (maybe that is how out of control my codependency is)
"To thine own self be true, unless we (the group of 5) don't like it"
-- Edited by Hopeless_in_NC on Wednesday 15th of June 2016 02:12:47 PM
This is why CoDA needs to have such strict rules about crosstalk. Because even many long-time CoDA's have not recovered, but simply switched their codependence from another person that they could not totally control to an imaginary being who's will they can interpret anyway they choose.
I know it seems difficult, but it is worth it . . . WE ARE EACH RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN RECOVERY! What you are describing is actually a challenge to be overcome in recovery from codependence. Find the strength within you to be who you are regardless of whatever those other people think, say or do . . . It is possible.
Get mad if you have to . . . although the utimate goal is to be able to stand up for your opinions without being ofensive . . . in my opinion it is better to be offensive than to be silent!
This particular group gives lip service to crosstalk. Aside from the occasional newcomer who apparently thinks that meetings are like an interactive bible study, the worst offenders are in the "group of 5", all have at least 5 or 6 years, at least one of them over 9 years.
They embarked on a new kick of calling attention to "13-stepping" under the guise of protecting the newcomers (Sounds like they think that people can't take care of themselves, one of the patterns of codependency); immediately after completing the groundwork for it, they pounced on the member I mentioned before.
At the GC meeting where they barred that member, they aired an enormous amount of dirty laundry (some that I suspect was made up) in front of members with less than 2 months attendance. IMHO, that is way more destructive than the behavior that was alleged.
They seem to refuse to follow CODA's conflict resolution recommendation of first attempting to resolve issues between the affected parties. This leads to significant gossip and breach of anonymity, confidentiality and privacy. And, in this case, they didn't give the barred member a concise, written plan to address the alleged behavior before they took the step of barring, so now that person is out there wandering, trying to figure out how to avoid this kind of mess should they decide to entrust themselves in another group, a loss for everyone.
I'm beginning to think that some of the Go5 have narcissistic tendencies. All the more reason for the group to disappear, as narcs are very toxic to codependents.
I was a multi-year member, it makes me sad; I don't feel safe, who is next? I made an attempt to point out the error of their ways only to make this power group mad. It is not worth it to do anything further, discretion is the better part of valor.
Sorry to hear that this meeting went so far south. It is one of the dangers of self-governance that despots and tyrants can emerge.
The only solution seems to be leaving the group, unfortunately. It doesn't sound like good recovery is happening in those rooms, anyway.
Is there a way to report this particular meeting to its intergroup? That would be the only intervention I can think of (though the best interest of a recovering codependent may be to simply take care of ourselves and let others do the same rather than trying to "protect" them)
This is why CoDA needs to have such strict rules about crosstalk. Because even many long-time CoDA's have not recovered, but simply switched their codependence from another person that they could not totally control to an imaginary being who's will they can interpret anyway they choose.
I know it seems difficult, but it is worth it . . . WE ARE EACH RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN RECOVERY! What you are describing is actually a challenge to be overcome in recovery from codependence. Find the strength within you to be who you are regardless of whatever those other people think, say or do . . . It is possible.
Get mad if you have to . . . although the utimate goal is to be able to stand up for your opinions without being ofensive . . . in my opinion it is better to be offensive than to be silent!
