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Post Info TOPIC: What's wrong with me


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What's wrong with me
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I'm having a lot of trouble lately I've always been a very strong-willed woman but I've noticed over the last few years that my relationships with men are the things that I fall short in I need some advice and I've always been kind of busy with the way that I address things I'm trying very hard over the last couple of years to improve and be more calm and process my thoughts before I speak but now that's gotten to the point of where I'm suppressing so much anger and frustration and I don't know how to handle anything anymore I'm overwhelmed and I'm frustrated. My current relationship involves a man who's been in recovery for eight years after a 25-year addiction to crack cocaine he's very healthy and his recovery although he still has issues with compartmentalizing we have a difficult time having the time to communicate as he works two jobs as a family adult children in a large family that live 3 to 4 hours away and he wants to try to build those relationships however I'm feeling left out as he is reluctant to have me meet many of his family members I have met his brother and we have a good relationship in that respect it's just a very big struggle right now and I'm doing everything I can to go on with my life but they're still times that we need to spend time together and communicate and I don't know how to approach it without him becoming defensive and without me being sounding like I'm being aggressive or demanding



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Krusting Young


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Have you been in a 12 step program before?

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Yes but I'm really struggling right now I don't know what has happened but I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me

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Krusting Young


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Sounds like you are in the right place.

CoDA is about exploring Healthy and Loving Relationships; learning to live our own lives (and allowing others to live theirs) based on Healthy Boundaries; discovering that it is possible to feel safe and secure without needing to control, dominate or manipulate others; and realizing that this new way of living is so much better than the old way by using the continuous improvement process of recovery.

In response to the question, 'What’s wrong with me' (or is that a statement) . . . . the short answer is this:

       We are all perfect just the way we are.

In recovery I discover my perfection and learn how to redirect it in healthy ways. Everything about me has a benefit specific for my personality. I can look at the positive or negative qualities, but the truth is that it is a trade-off. Nothing is entirely positive or negative. If I focus only on the positive or only on the negative the big picture becomes lost along with my power of choice. There is always a third option . . . and a fourth and so on . . .

The path you describe:

    Strong-willed > process thoughts before speaking (recovery)  > suppressing (going too far) > ok now what?

is both the process of recovery and of relapse. When we try something new and it does not work (we go too far or become frustrated) do we give up and go back to what we already know does not work? Feeling Frustrated tells me that I have a GOAL and it's not happening (or it is not happening fast enough) and that I do not know what to do to make it happen (control) and I want the pain to stop (vulnerable to relapsing into old behaviors). 

How I get my needs met in a relationship is not the same as when I am alone. It is harder because there are two people involved. In recovery I have learned that I do not want anyone's will forced, pressured or even nudging me to do what I do not want or am not ready to do AND that I do not want anything that I have to force, pressure of even nudge from another person. I have also learned that If I do not ask there is almost no chance I will get what I want AND that it is not asking if I am not willing to accept "no" as the answer . . . where I go from "no" depends upon my GOAL (live without it, wait and see, do it myself).

How important is it anyhow? Important enough to make me Angry and Frustrated . . . . Hmm. It is not wrong for me to want what someone else does not want. We are each different,-unique and special in our own way.

Miles



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Thank you.that helps remind me my feelings are mine and real, but how I react or act because of them is a conscious choice. In any relationship I have to move on a manner that's healthy and everything I think is old thoughts and behaviors and I do not want myself or any relationship to work if it is under those conditions. This response helps give me the information on a healthy relationship. Thank this is the honest information I needed without being degrading or so honest it's painful THANK YOU!!!

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Krusting Young


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I have to say relationships with family members are pretty problematic for me. First of all because I have a high need for acceptance, secondly because I really would like a family of my own. Thirdly relationships in general have a high degree of importance for me Putting my needs first is so critical for me. I find that nearly impossible to do. Almost completely impossible but now that I know I.do it that is a first step. So I have to say when it comes to family members there is a huge issue for me. I always made it THEM. Maresie

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Mary T Dowd


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Kristin wrote:

 What's wrong with me

LOL, this was the basic question I had my whole life.

I had felt unfulfilled most of my life and seemed to never find my "niche" and got so emotionally bad that I finally had to enter a Recovery program and now things are much better.  In Recovery, I discovered that what was "wrong" with me was the consequences of very bad parenting which trained me to dislike and disrespect my self. My parents infected me with their shame and self contempt so early that I never noticed what happened and just assumed that I was FLAWED!  It was quite an eye-opener to realize that they, not me, were Shame-based and had unwittingly given their Shame to their innocent kids!

I'm having a lot of trouble lately I've always been a very strong-willed woman but I've noticed over the last few years that my relationships with men are the things that I fall short in I need some advice

I don't give advice but will share with you what my late wife and I did.  We studied relationship books and used the mistakes of our 1st failed marriages to make this, our 2nd marriage work better and it did.  We were both involved with 12 step groups so we had a lot of emotional/moral support when we began our love affair and ultimate marriage as BEST FRIENDS.  I'd google: Relationship skills for a start.

and I've always been kind of busy with the way that I address things I'm trying very hard over the last couple of years to improve and be more calm and process my thoughts before I speak but now that's gotten to the point of where I'm suppressing so much anger and frustration and I don't know how to handle anything anymore I'm overwhelmed and I'm frustrated.

Early in Recovery, I discovered that I had an OCEAN of bottled up, repressed and held in angry and sad feelings from early childhood so I spent a lot of time and effort VENTING those suppressed old feelings in many, many ways which included: mountains of journals in which I poured out my angry, humiliated and hurt feelings towards my parents and some others, intense "anger work", at least a year of spontaneous weeping, screaming into a tape recorder, hitting things and doing anything I could think of to let my bottled up feelings come up and vent or express as they should have many years ago when I chose to stuff my volatile feelings down rather than incur the wrath of my abusive parents!  It was a big mistake but that's what I did back when I was 5-8 y.o. so now, many years later, the repressed feelings have finally come up to be felt, expressed and released (vented) and most of it is gone now that I'm 79.  You rarely hear about or read about repressed/bottled up feelings but that is what I found and had to work on the most and I currently believe that bottled up "bad" feelings is at the root of most criminal or destructive/offensive behaviors in humans (but not animals).

however I'm feeling left out as he is reluctant to have me meet many of his family members

Is he ashamed of you because you are not as "recovered" as he is?  Maybe he isn't very serious about you and him.

I have met his brother and we have a good relationship in that respect it's just a very big struggle right now and I'm doing everything I can to go on with my life but they're still times that we need to spend time together and communicate and I don't know how to approach it without him becoming defensive

Hmmmm, that doesn't seem very "recovered" to me.  Recovered folks are generally very accepting and patient and have learned to communicate well but are NOT "defensive".  Perhaps he needs to read a few relationship books.

and without me being sounding like I'm being aggressive or demanding

Learning some good Relationship skills will solve that one for both of you and teach you to communicate better so you won't have to go on stuffing down your hurt feelings.   My late wife and I got through all of our "issues" by using the few simple skills we found in relationship books and at Recovery rooms.


 



-- Edited by jimrich on Sunday 9th of October 2016 10:31:22 AM

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Maresie wrote:

I have to say relationships with family members are pretty problematic for me. First of all because I have a high need for acceptance, secondly because I really would like a family of my own. Thirdly relationships in general have a high degree of importance for me Putting my needs first is so critical for me. I find that nearly impossible to do. Almost completely impossible but now that I know I.do it that is a first step. So I have to say when it comes to family members there is a huge issue for me. I always made it THEM. Maresie


 Hi Maresie:

I just want to add that learning about Boundaries, as taught in CODA, has done the most good for me even if it has caused some of those family/friends connections to end or fade.  I will no longer allow anyone, especially a family member, to disrespect or abuse me so Boundaries has saved the day.   With the aid of better self esteem, it is very easy for me to tell an abuser to f***k off and let them go rather than try to politely dance around their hurtful STUPIDITY.    The other thing that helped me and my late wife a lot is what we learned from Relationship books and on line about Relationship skills (google it).  It's pretty hard to have a good relationship UNLESS you have high, healthy self worth/respect which can be found in CODA and ACOA, etc.

good luck



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Thank for this very helpful and insightful information. He agrees that he knows nothing about healthy relationships. In fact recently we had a healthy disagreement and we both agreed that neither of us wanted to lose each other. In fact he just said "my life is in your hands" and although that sounds romantic it is profound for him. He meets with a psychologist this week for the first time as we both have discussed issues that need addressed.I have told him I would be with him through this personal journey and with that I can do nothing more. I love him and I deserve a good relationship and he almost deserves me (chuckle).thank u again.

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Krusting Young


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I agree with Jim 100%.  Functioning well in relationships is a skill.  It is either taught to you by your family (rare) or you have to learn the skill on your own later in life.

Boundaries, good communication, saying what you mean without being mean and more are all things that can be learned by study and practice and it really helps if BOTH parties take part.

I am in a fairly new relationship and brought up all of these things very early on.  Of course I got a lot of agreement but when it came time to put it into action ... not so much.  He's feeling pretty bruised from running into my boundaries when he thought he automatically had access to every aspect of my life from the start.  We'll see how it works out and if he's interested in working on a relationship or just living in fantasy land.

Willing



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