Co-Dependants Anonymous
Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Practising


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 7
Date:
Practising
Permalink  
 


Normally my life is sea deep in drama. I left this one job a few months ago after a five year saga of victimizatiom, merciless recrimination and very little return. Except really for year or two I existed on the pittance I earned there. Pretty much I have been able to wash my hands if everyone there. I have this one #friend# who I met there who is still I'm contact with me. Normally I end most relationships with huge recrimination, cesspool of resentment and a lot of endless complaints To sum it up really succinctly I feel really let down by mY friend. I recently moved and I was counting on my friend to help me. Needless to say while she offers (and she certainly offers) The help is really contaminated. I have never been #should# on anyone so much in my life. Every sentence begins and ends with should. Then there is her endless self neglect and her blatant sacrifice of her assets to her son. Of course this hits a big nerve with me. I sacrificed endlessly in the name of.connection. And my self neglect is legendary. But this friend's obnoxiousness is now too much for me. I am at the point of when she next texts I am not going to answer. That doesn't happen too often for me. At the sane time I feel like she should have been prepared to put aside some of her obnoxious stuff for me. At the end of the day I think it's the way her issues mirror mine thar bothers me. Needless to say my friend does not think she has any issues. I certainly can't claim to that. Three so called #friends# let me down tremendously in this move process. Where does that leave me. Oh yeah back in that place I always try to avoid #all alone# Guess that is where I am gonna be. Maresie

__________________
Mary T Dowd


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 259
Date:
Permalink  
 

I have had similar experiences in life regarding so called friends. I have come to the conclusion to live my life as if I were alone. Less disappointment that way. I will help people along the way if I have the time Or feel they are truly in need on something. But I've given up on expecting any return favors.



__________________


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 7
Date:
Permalink  
 

The issue is I already set a boundary with her about the #shoulding# Then I let her back in. The issue is I now have no one to help me. Well I could have people to help me but I can't stand the Should ing. I think that is progress for me ironically. Maresie

__________________
Mary T Dowd


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 3
Date:
Permalink  
 

Giving to others out of our own need is a hallmark of codependency. We give to excess, hoping to get something in return. It may not be anything as concrete as a favor in return (quid pro quo), but we give in order to receive recognition, appreciation, validation...all those needs that were insufficiently met early in life. Pia Mellody calls it "other esteem." Prior to recovery (and for a long time since, with plenty of slips from day to day), I fit that profile. And I certainly got "should on" a lot, since my compliance was a magnet for control freaks.

Now that I've been in program for a while, I have reached a place where I have been able to restore my self-esteem to a point that, when I give, it is (a) giving out of my abundance, and (b) an act of gratitude towards my Higher Power. Because I am most certainly grateful...

__________________


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 7
Date:
Permalink  
 

Well I had some good practice with another friend of mine who asks for help all the time. Needless to say every request was urgent. After the latest urgent missive, I told her I was attending to my own needs. I also told her that I had asked for help over two different issues. I received none Maresie

__________________
Mary T Dowd


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 259
Date:
Permalink  
 

Over the last few weeks I have needed some help to do work on a property that I have been working on. I can't afford to pay anyone but can help someone in the future with a project they might need help on as well. At times I have gotten help and I have and will return the favor in the future to these people. What I have noticed is that just about anything I've need to do. I have be able to make some way to get it done by myself. It may take a bit longer but it has also shown me. That I can do anything I need done regardless if I have help or not. It was so easy to fall into the victim trap in the past. Help I need someone to rescue me because of --------.

I may ask for help if someone is available, but if they say no I find away to do the job by myself. I also do work for others at no charge, and they have rewarded me with a home cooked meal. No longer am I controlled by the feeling of being restrained by not having someone to help me with getting things done.
Maybe because of the disappointment I have experienced in dealing with people in my life. I have lost faith in them. And in this process have learned to trust in my own abilities more so. In my learning to become more independent in every way. I have become stronger in every area of my life. My physical health, spiritually, mentally, and happier. Learning to take care of myself first. Was the key for me. The 12 steps were very much a needed first step to recognize where I needed to go. And occasionally I refer back to them. I have learned through some other spiritual idea's that have advanced me more so along the way as well.
There is a lot of satisfaction looking at a project that I built by myself. And when someone comes by to see what was done and they say " You put that up by yourself? "
Priceless

__________________


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 7
Date:
Permalink  
 

I think that is really true. I have worked a lot lately on my own. It is satisfying to say I got this all done by myself Maresie

__________________
Mary T Dowd
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.