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Post Info TOPIC: Powerless against people...at my rock bottom


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Powerless against people...at my rock bottom
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I am married to an alcoholic, but our relationship is very codependent.  My A lost her job this weekend.  I have been relying on this income to pay bills. Now that medical bills are piling up, I’m in over my head. (My spouse has been in and out of the hospital for treatments for  liver disease and has stopped drinking.)  I checked and saw that I’m eligible for food stamps. I have a college degree, and used to work in my field.  Now, I’m doing what I did in high school and have lost myself and a lot of my self-esteem.  I have been trying to work my program, but I am in over my head right now. My A just got out of the hospital, we now have a dog (that I didn’t want, but she did and I’m taking care of it 99% of the time), I’ve been trying to find another job for months now, and now that I have only my job, here’s another fire to put out. 

 

 

 

 

My A says she’s going to go to AA, but hasn’t.  She’s starting her lying again, blaming, and guilt trips with me.  So I was clearly upset on Friday about the fact that she has lost her job.  I get quiet.  She wants to go grocery shopping, and I said, I simply don’t have the money. I’m trying to stretch things and she’s buying more (this has been the constant state of our relationship).  Because of my “mood” and that I was explosive (really?!  I was quiet and didn’t really want to talk, nor did I want to go shopping, etc., but I did anyway because of the guilt trips she plays, it’s easier sometimes to just go along when I can’t fight anymore) she called a crisis hotline and was online with them for four hours (this I found out was a lie, and just another one of her guilt trips to make me feel bad and to control me). She says she can’t take my anger anymore, that it’s a trigger.  I didn’t explode.  I didn’t even yell.  I was angry, yes.  But I can’t even be in a bad mood.  I have to be Pollyanna all the time.  Well, I’m sorry, I’m human.  I can’t be happy when everything around me is blowing up.  That I’m doing everything that I can do make things normal and ok for her, and at the same time, I’m denying myself the help I desperately need. 

I told her that I think maybe we need to be apart at this time, but then she was “woah, cart before the horse” crap.  It’s the whole codependency thing with her and me.  Rack up the whole guilt thing, makes her feel more in control of me, and because I’ve lost my fight, I cave.  I’m mad at her, but I’m also mad at myself for allowing myself to get this bad.  And because life has been hell lately, no, I haven’t worked on me much.  I am so sick.  Because she hasn’t been healthy, I haven’t been detaching like I used to. I don’t know really what to do except be on here, because as soon as I make plans to go to an al anon f2f meeting, those plans are killed.  I’m at my rock bottom now.   no

 

 

 

 

 



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"A diamond is a chunk of coal that did well under pressure."


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Sorry that your having so much pressure going on in your life. It really hard to do the work on oneself when in such an environment as you described.
At some point, You have to let the sh-- hit the fan and take care of yourself. Trust in your Higher power to guide you. There is a new beginning in this dark tunnel you are in. Just keep moving and trusting yourself. Peace

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Once you start working on yourself, you will find the answers that you need.

If you need space away from her, you don't need her permission to take it. Do what you need to do, take care of yourself. Any 12 step meeting will work, it doesn't have to be Coda or Al-Anon. The principles of recovery are the same.

The relationship will take care of itself in time. Right now, you need to take care of you. believe it or not you are part of the toxic dance that is enslaving both of you. if you drop your end of the rope, your addict will be left holding it on their own. that alone might be enough to lessen the tension and grant you at least some of the relief you seek.

good luck to you

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Hi!

Thank you for your words. Both of you are so right. My A left and is staying with a friend. I've been sort of going to al-anon, but found a CODA group and attended for the first time. And I really liked it because the focus was on my issues, not the disease of alcohol, not my A, me. I found I have a ton more work to do. Though I did the study some time ago on the board with the book Codependent No More, I got the book today, and got blown away. I've been detaching but realized with being a caregiver, not detaching all the time or when I should. I feel a peace I haven't had in a while. I'm not worrying about my situation and will give it all to my HP. It was a 2x4 moment for me. I don't know what the future holds, but I can only take it one day, one moment at a time. Thank you so much!

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"A diamond is a chunk of coal that did well under pressure."
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