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Post Info TOPIC: Having a very painful bottom


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Having a very painful bottom
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hi I am new I think I am what is called a love avoidant - since getting sober years ago I consistently involve myself with  unavailable men -it's beyond painful right now. I have been attending CODA meetings where I live for a few months but this last man just took me to a very bad bottom - married. So sick and tired I feel like I am never going to get well and I just want to die. I'm having such a hard time getti through the day. Please help. I have lost faith right now. I'm 50 and feel I will never find a partner mk



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Webbyfooty1, Welcome to the group. There plenty a information to read and absorb. It's good that you have found a coda group to attend that will fast forward your progress more quickly. It takes work and time gong thru the process. Posting and expressing your thoughts can help you and other dealing with similar feelings. Peace

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Thanks - I'm so angry the last interaction I had with this guy he totally invalidated what was happening I'm so sad I continue to place myself in these places where I get treated like dirt and betrayed I'm so angry at him and sad that I wasted this much time

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Hello Webbyfooty1,

So glad you found us and sorry you are experiencing so much pain.  I've been where you are.

I see light in your message to us "I'm so sad I continue to place myself in these places".  I took me years to figure out that it was me doing these things to myself.  Allowing people to hurt me, not protecting myself, not setting boundaries and making healthy choices.  Biggest thing was not knowing my self worth and thinking that I was unworthy of being treated well.  I thought love looked like pain, that is how I was raised! 

I remember thinking how bad the person was who was hurting me so horribly, and he was!  He was extremely unhealthy and I seemed to bring it out in spades because I was too!  But it was up to me to leave.  It was up to me to disconnect.  It was up to me to heal.  It was up to me to learn how to be healthy and learn what healthy people look like and become attracted to that.  I always thought they were boring and overbearing in their love and affection.

It seemed impossible when I was at my bottom to pull myself out.  I felt like I had nothing left.  But the act of doing that made me stronger, little by little.  It was difficult.  It wasn't as quick as I wanted, but the process is what it is and it works.  It revealed my truth and helped me learn to accept and love myself for exactly who I am and in doing so I stopped accepting anything less from others.  It is ABSOLUTE FREEDOM.  And it was an ugly, painful fight to get here ... but it is a place I encourage everyone to try to reach.

We are here for you and understand.  You are not alone.  So glad you found a local meeting.  It is invaluable support.

Willing



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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Unfortunately, it happens from men or women where we sometimes get played, and tossed aside like trash to the curb, when they chose. Not a good place to be and definitely not a healthy relationship.

I currently know a guy who treats his ex/wife whom he allowed to move back in. Very bad. I don't know her well. But it surprises me how much bs that she puts up with. This guy cheats on her, but he say's she cheated on him first and she got caught. So he always brings that up when she ask him where is he going at night. I can't believe the statements he claims he say's to her. I feel bad for her but I feel it's not my place to interfere.  

I think most people have to be at that major breaking point before they start to really look at the relationship they are in. I think we all are afraid of change and being alone. But I can assure anyone that if you stop worrying about the other person and focus all your energy on what is the best thing for me to do right now. Find something that will make me feel good. Smell good. Learn something new about me. Then the fog will lift, and leaving a bad relationship or at least setting some good boundaries in a poor relationship will help you to maintain a healthy you. And that is what the main goal is anyway. YOU!  Peace  

 

 

s  of



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