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Post Info TOPIC: New member here. I need some advice


Newbie

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New member here. I need some advice
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Hey all,

I know that I am codependent and have been one throughout my life. I am married to a functioning alcoholic (more than 8 years in marriage (two small kids) and almost 15 years in this relationship), his dad was an alcoholic and his mom is a workaholic so I guess we are both just adult children suffering wounds inside ourselves and trying to escape from real intimacy. I am also a sexual abuse survivor twice (this happened not in my childhood, I was 25 or 26 and 29 then) and this has triggered eating disorder (went to outpatient treatment in 2012 and still attending individual therapy) and my codependent behavior. I started hating myself, my body, started thinking that I am not normal and since my husband is emotionally unavailable to me (he is alcoholic) I became addicted to affairs, lots of them. Now the therapy is helping me but I keep coming back to my affair partners or just kinky people I like to chat with - only to break up with them later on - and the cycle continues :(

I have mustered the courage to go to Al-Anon meeting this weekend, it helped me a lot, gave me serenity and strength (unlike ED recovery self-help groups which only made me feel worse), now I have lost the desire for some kinky conversations with my extramarital partner, I told him that I am now repairing the relationship with myself and my husband and logged off, we do not text or call each other, so it's just skype and e-mail. I am finding it particularly hard to stay on my own, husband is involved in his drinking practices though our relationship is improving as I'm learning to detach from his illness of alcoholism - which just leaves me alone with my inner scars, and I've been recently fighting the urge to start communicating with other people including this married man again because he bought me a small present on occasion of my 35th birthday (it's kinda cheque for certain amount of money sent via text message so that I could shop in some shop) and now I'm feeling like I owe him. Like he needs me because of this favour. So difficult and frustrating.. Dunno what to do :( Going to therapy tomorrow and I guess I will journal tonight if I have time.

 



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Guru

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Hello Missy,

So glad you found us!  I see a lot of self awareness in your post, congratulations.  I was also very inspired to hear how much your first Al-Anon meeting helped and hope you have the opportunity to attend more.  I would love to hear how that goes.

There is a lot to read here and a lot of work to do on the road to recovery, but it is a wonderful journey with so much growth to offer.

 

I hope you keep coming back and sharing with us.

 

Willing



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



Veteran Member

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Hello Missy:
All I can offer is that the various programs I attended simply showed me that my self worth/respect was damaged and I had to rebuild my ego or sense of worth so I used all the tools I could find in all of the programs: ACoA, CODA, AL-ANON, INCEST SURVIVORS, AA and a few more to get a backbone and begin living a life worth living. It took a long time and I still have to turn to the self-worth tools I found but at least I'm no longer under the gun of addictions, depression, self contempt, FEAR, ANGER and several other crippling condition that had me by the throat when I first entered Recovery. "It works if you work it" is a pretty good cliche in Recovery so that's what I did.
good luck getting out of the sewer of self contempt,
jim

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