Co-Dependants Anonymous
Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Hi, I'm new.


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 1
Date:
Hi, I'm new.
Permalink  
 


Hello everyone. I found this forum while looking for resources to help me work the Steps. I joined a NA group for those affected by a drug addict and it does touch on codependency but not to the degree I think it does here (from what I've read so far).

Here's my story:

In 2015, I started working on a new project and became enamored by one of my coworkers. For the purpose of clarity, I will call him S. From the gate, we were top performers on this project. We worked together a lot and started to get close. At the time, he had a girlfriend and I respected that. I was dating on and off but still, I found myself wanting him. Not sure why but there is something about him that draws you in... Anyway, we both ended up getting promoted but he started to work at a different office. Despite the separation, we were still close and still were performing well. We would talk on the phone after work for hours and hours... so much so that I noticed his girlfriend in the background getting a little miffed. When she would ask when he was going to get off the phone, I would always offer to talk to him tomorrow but he would simply ignore her and go into a different room to continue our conversation. As much as I would like to say that I felt bad for her, the attention I was getting him made me so happy that I couldn't really care less about her. I was always secretly hoping they'd break up anyway. 

As the year progressed, I found myself getting attached to him. I wanted to talk to him all the time, wanted his approval... just wanted his attention. Towards the end of year, his girlfriend broke up with him. Imagine my delight ... mind you I kept it masked behind some BS understanding facade. When he thought he won her back, I was devastated. I wanted him for myself. I wanted his attention. Eventually, she left him for good and I watched him spiral out of control. During this time, I lent him money because he would show me affection afterward. Long story short, he started abusing his prescription meds and eventually graduating to heroin. He was fired from our job. A majority of our friendship was based on one solid common ground- work. Without it, it became shaky. We have shared personal details and stories with each other but it seems both of us hold back. 

He seems to sense my personality and use it to his advantage. I've lent him money that he ended up using for drugs. When I confronted him on it, he ALWAYS had some detailed excuse with screenshots of bank accounts. And I've given him my time. Whenever he needs something, I come running. Last time it was at 2 AM! I didn't think twice about it. Just went. 

I'm here because S is a user. He USES me. And I am so codependent, I need him for whatever reason in my mind that I've lost control. Add in the fact that he's on dealing with his addiction, now I'm paranoid that he will overdose. So, I obsess of this NON EXISTENT RELATIONSHIP with a guy who has used me for my money and my time. I will openly admit that I check his FB messenger to see the last time he's active.... so I know he's alive. I'll text him to make sure he's okay and he will normally either ignore me or text me back when he feels like... 2 or 3 days later. 

Whenever I've confronted him about an actual relationship, he says he can't because he'll hurt me. But he's hurting me in the interim with all the rest of his behaviors! And I always allow it to happen. I make excuse after excuse for how he treats me. 

The reality of the whole thing is that I am codependent on him, obsessed with him and being with him. While logically I am able to identify, "hey, this guy is a user, he doesn't like you like that, and continues to manipulate you to get what he needs at the time," I still allow him to walk in and out of my life. no

So, right now, I'm working on STEP ONE. Admitting that I've lost control. Admitting I am a codependent. 

Thanks for listening. ANY guidance would be very well appreciated!



-- Edited by Steeni on Thursday 3rd of November 2016 09:24:26 PM

__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 259
Date:
Permalink  
 

Steeni, Welcome to this forum, Great job being able to recognize the problems that you are describing. We all have been there before. Keep working the steps and in time the change that is needed will come about.

__________________


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 60
Date:
Permalink  
 

Steeni, I can only share with you from my own experience in CODA and a few other support groups that helped me get out of the Codependency Trap and regain my self respect and dignity.
Steeni wrote:
I found myself wanting him. Not sure why but there is something about him that draws you in...
I discovered that the "Users" I was drawn too, unconsciously reminded me of or acted like folks I was attracted to in early childhood, like a parent, sibling, relative, school peer or even a movie character!  I was NEEDY and a DOORMAT so Users, like your S, walked all over me from a very early age.
When she would ask when he was going to get off the phone, I would always offer to talk to him tomorrow but he would simply ignore her and go into a different room to continue our conversation.
Yep that's how Users are - totally selfish and heartless so "cheating on" his girlfriend by staying on the phone with you was his "thrill" for the moment.  He is/was also a Needy Codependent/User.
As much as I would like to say that I felt bad for her, the attention I was getting him made me so happy that I couldn't really care less about her. I was always secretly hoping they'd break up anyway. 
That's the problem with low/bad self esteem and neediness - we just can't do what's right while we are getting the attention (love) that we NEED.

As the year progressed, I found myself getting attached to him. I wanted to talk to him all the time, wanted his approval... just wanted his attention.

To a needy and low self worth person/Codependent, ATTENTION is like a drug that we cannot do without!

We have shared personal details and stories with each other but it seems both of us hold back. 

Us Codependents "hold back" so the drama or show won't end too soon if we scare the other one off with the TRUTH about our lives, desires and FEARS.

He seems to sense my personality and use it to his advantage. ..... And I've given him my time. Whenever he needs something, I come running. Last time it was at 2 AM! I didn't think twice about it. Just went. 

Codependents simply cannot resist anything that can help them to feel better and are NEEDY attention addicts all due to very bad/low self worth/respect. 

I'm here because S is a user. He USES me. And I am so codependent, I need him for whatever reason in my mind that I've lost control.

Welcome to this forum and Codependents Anon.  Coda actually saved my miserable life and helped me get out of the "I'm so NEEDY" trap so, you're in the right place.

Whenever I've confronted him about an actual relationship, he says he can't because he'll hurt me. But he's hurting me in the interim with all the rest of his behaviors! And I always allow it to happen. I make excuse after excuse for how he treats me. 

So, in a sense, you are actually hurting your self by allowing some User to dis you and Coda can and will help you regain your self respect and dignity so Users will no longer have any affect upon you. 

The reality of the whole thing is that I am codependent on him, obsessed with him and being with him. While logically I am able to identify, "hey, this guy is a user, he doesn't like you like that, and continues to manipulate you to get what he needs at the time," I still allow him to walk in and out of my life. no

Coda can and will help you become strong and wise enough to recognize and then totally IGNORE such Users in the future.  It may hurt a little to change your behaviors and beliefs but it's worth it to finally be FREE of Users and their even more painful dramas.

So, right now, I'm working on STEP ONE. Admitting that I've lost control. Admitting I amcodependent.  Thanks for listening. ANY guidance would be very well appreciated!

You are in the right place and doing just fine so, please stick with it, go to meetings (if you can) and let others experience, strength and HOPE show you the way to finally be free of Codependency Traps and PAIN.  Read a few Codependency books and join in a lot of shares/sharing from other Codependents who have found freedom and true LOVE.

good luck,

jim

 



-- Edited by jimrich on Friday 4th of November 2016 11:45:28 AM

__________________

Please take what you want and leave the rest.

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.