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I have just joined this forum, after getting out of a short term relationship with a recovering alcoholic and realising that I had my own problems. Long story short, I left an abusive, controlling long term relationship 25 years ago. At the time I underwent counselling, did lots of work on myself and moved forward with my life, happy and content in the knowledge that no-one would have be able to do that to me again, I had taken back my power and I was in control. 

 

As it turns out being in CONTROL for me wasn't healthy in the way I thought it was. 25 years ago, whilst codependency was around it was then only connected to those partners of alcoholics and seeing as my ex partner wasn't I didn't see its relevance to me.

 

Fast forward 25 years, (after a series of unfulfilling or broken relationships) I meet the most charming, beautiful, open and loving man. He just got me, we connected on every level....my soul mate. A recovering alcoholic who was open and honest, even telling me the bad stuff ..... He had beaten his ex wife, yes he took responsibility for his actions but they were driven by the place he was in at the time, out of control with his drinking. And I thought, how honest, he won't be like that with me, even perhaps she didn't get him (wtf).

 

At the time of meeting him I was very vulnerable. My controlling Mother was very ill and demanding and rejecting at the same time. I had decided to leave my job of 20 years because I couldn't cope with the stress anymore and I was desperate to have someone that loved me just for me.

 

He love bombed until I was dizzy, yet all the time I was telling myself that it was just because he had never met anyone like me before. I was fooling myself completely and at the same time I was starting to spiral out of control which made me try to control everything around me, including his love for me. 

 

Move forward 7 months, I'm exhausted, overwrought with anxiety and feel like I'm going to disappear if I don't do something. Where was my power? Where was my control? Thankfully, I managed to end the relationship and started to try understand HIM.... PLEASE NOTE I WAS STILL TRYING TO CONTROL THINGS !!! Thankfully my efforts to understand him brought me to some codependency website or quiz. This could'nt be me could it? Wouldn't do any harm to do the quiz, would it? 

 

As I'm here on this forum, you won't be surprised at the results. Flash backs to all my relationships since my longer term one and hey ho...... codependency in its many forms. The difference for me is through out this period was I never allowed myself to need someone, and if I ever allowed myself to depend on someone for something they never came up to scratch. I had completely divorced myself from my own needs and feelings.

So I attended my first codependency meeting approx 6 weeks ago. And while I felt I could relate to others in the meeting, what's was this Step 1 thing all about? I wasn't powerless, my life wasnt unmanageable, it was just the recent narcissistic boyfriend and other things going on in my life that had gotten me a bit out of kilter. The meetings chair person suggested I attended four meeting to see if it was right for me and gave me a copy of the Newcomers handbook.

I attended meetings, listened and shared and found parts of myself in each and everyone that was there. Now 6 weeks on I know I am a codependent, I have more insight as to how it manifests for me personally and I realise that being powerless is not about not having personal power but about accepting that I don't have power over others or situations.

I'm about to embark on my Twelve Steps journey.... This is very scary for me, having to come face to face with myself and my actions is not going to be easy. But the three things I have learner over the last few weeks are:

1. I am not alone

2. Other have taken this journey and are having healthier relationships with themselves and others as a result

3. I too deserve the freedom this journey offers

My best regards to all of you out there. And I will leave you with this quote.

I wish you all what you wish for yourself.

thank you Roxy 😊😊

 

 

 

 

 



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Roxy wrote:

At the time I underwent counselling, did lots of work on myself and moved forward with my life, happy and content in the knowledge that no-one would have be able to do that to me again, I had taken back my power and I was in control. 

I have this idea that once someone is in "counseling" and has "moved forward", all of their problems and issues are solved from then on!  As it turns out, I've met a few folks who have been in "counseling" and, although they can talk a good game, there is still something WRONG there. I guess I've given "counseling" way too much importance, glamor or value since it doesn't seem to be all that PERFECT for some folks.

Thankfully my efforts to understand him brought me to some codependency website or quiz. This could'nt be me could it? Wouldn't do any harm to do the quiz, would it? 
Did your counselor ever mention anything about Codependency or Adult Child stuff?

I had completely divorced myself from my own needs and feelings.

OUCH!  Yes, that is one of the symptoms of Codependency and Adult Child conditioning.

And while I felt I could relate to others in the meeting, what's was this Step 1 thing all about? I wasn't powerless, my life wasnt unmanageable, it was just the recent narcissistic boyfriend and other things going on in my life that had gotten me a bit out of kilter.

LOL, I know a few folks right here in my late wife's family who went to a meeting, got turned off and NEVER went back!  They don't need any of that nonesense ....  they have their lives completely under CONTROL!!!! (Oh sure!)

I'm about to embark on my Twelve Steps journey.... 

Welcome aboard and happy trails from now on,



-- Edited by jimrich on Saturday 5th of November 2016 09:57:38 AM

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Roxy wrote:

" I left an abusive, controlling long term relationship 25 years ago. At the time I underwent counselling, did lots of work on myself and moved forward with my life, happy and content in the knowledge that no-one would have be able to do that to me again, I had taken back my power and I was in control."

 

After I finally understood the depth that I needed to understand and apply the first three steps. Life become much easier. I notice at times when things start getting tough going. I just needed to review how was I intergrading the first tree step in my life. Re-set coarse, and continue to the next surprise destination in my life. It gets easier as you go along and see the results.

 

Oh yeah, Welcome to the group Roxy.



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