Vulnerable narcissists are sometimes difficult to spot. They sometimes present as the most broken people amongst us. They suck us in with their shyness and ti...midness, but before long their snide, passive aggressive comments surface. Only their feelings matter even when faced with rational that ultimately and realistically proves their belief was wrong, they refuse to accept reality. As punishment, they will ignore those that dare imply their perception was false. Confront a vulnerable narcissist with evidence that they are being passive aggressive, dismissive, intrusive, critical, or manipulative, and you will be threatened with being discarded as well as labeled as 'out to get them'. They are perpetual victims and because they truly see themselves this way, they do not seek help to change their behavior. Instead, they seek those that will mirror back the sense of praise and pity they seek.
If you are in a relationship with a vulnerable narcissist, you will be expected to validate that their boss, the grocer, the UPS man, and your friends simply don't understand them. You will need to rationalize why they ignore their children, don't pay their bills on time, or why they are rude to waiters and waitresses. You will have to nod when they claim that others are just jealous of them and that is why others may be angry with the VN. When they treat you like crap, insinuate that you are trying to brainwash them, control them, or hold them accountable for making fun of you in front of others, you will have to hold your tongue, otherwise you will be kept up through late hours of the evening until you agree to with their version of the circumstances. They will berate you, use your secrets against you, threaten you, and use any trick in the book to get you to acquiesce to them.
Healthy people don't need to manipulate others into pitying them so to avoid personal responsibility for being a decent, empathic, considerate, self-responsible human being. Healthy people have personal boundaries and seek to see all facets of situations while being able to ultimately discern where they truly stand in any given set of circumstances. Healthy people do not need to be passive aggressive, cruel, or minimizing. They say what they need to say without needing other people's approval and validation.
Codependents and empaths are prime targets for vulnerable as well as overt narcissists. And although we too struggle with personal boundaries, when it comes to narcissists of any kind, we tend to take care of them while ignoring our own needs. A vulnerable narcissist will not see your need. They will only see their need and their apparent vulnerability, brokenness, sadness, and even crying, may make it difficult for a codependent or an empath to NOT jump in and want to save them.
VN are slippery to pin down but there are certain traits to watch out for.
*Snide backhanded comments out of nowhere *Inability to validate others *Discard others when they do not agree with every word they say *Extreme emotional reactions especially when implied they are not being fair *They play the role of the victim especially when challenged *Unable to have fair open discussions *Use guilt as a weapon *Hold the things they have done for you over your head the moment you don't agree with them or challenge them *Passive aggressive *Feel entitled to the best of the best and are unable to see others and themselves as imperfectly perfect *Cannot accept imperfection in others because they are so grandiose in their internal sense of entitlement *Are unable to compromise or be giving to others *Cannot be giving without expecting something in return *They act disinterested, never give your their full attention *They are aloof and often times smug in their reactions *They deliberately do NOT give you their full attention *They are not charming and grandiose like Overt Narcissists, and instead appear shy, quiet, and insecure *They will ridicule and condemn anyone who seems to have healthy self-esteem *They are always right and you and everyone are always wrong *They will discard anyone, including their children if they do not agree with them, even when it is obvious to every fly on the wall that their behavior was extreme, irrational, cruel, and vindictive *They can be vindicitve but will never admit it
Today's Love Life Anyway Challenge is to see if you can identify anyone from your past that you may have attracted who possibly could have been a vulnerable narcissist or who may have exploited your kindness in some way.
The reason I think this type of self-reflection is so important is because it helps us sharpen our ability to DISCERN personality typyes, not for the purpose of condemning others, but for the purpose of learning how to protect ourselves from exploitive others.
Are you up for the challenge?
I thought this was interesting as I have a lot of narcissists around me. Thank goodness for learning what to do and how to spot them.
-- Edited by Hey There on Friday 23rd of June 2017 08:02:42 AM
Vulnerable narcissists are sometimes difficult to spot.
Especially by another Narcissist - like me.
They sometimes present as the most broken people amongst us. They suck us in with their shyness and ti...midness, but before long their snide, passive aggressive comments surface.
I long believed my 2nd wife was totally emotionally healthy BUT, there were times when her (secret) anger came up as mentioned above. She was a psychic/medium and very spiritual, so I either ignored her passive/aggressive stuff or pretended it was some kind of wisdom and unique INSIGHTS. I viewed her as an advanced Mystic who could never say or do merely silly human things, like I often did. I had a tendency to see Wizards and Mystics everywhere in those days!
They are perpetual victims and because they truly see themselves this way, they do not seek help to change their behavior.
I was in ACA and my 2nd wife was in Al-anon BUT I do not believe Al-anon ever helped her see her own unhealthy role as the mother of emotionally damaged kids nor the enabling wife of an alcoholic husband. This is not to criticize my late wife but just to REALISTICALLY look at a few things. We both sought help but I believe I got more useful help in ACA and CODA than any other program because we HONESTLY looked at our early families in those programs. My late wife could "look at" others families but NOT HER OWN!
They will berate you, use your secrets against you, threaten you, and use any trick in the book to get you to acquiesce to them.
Our relationship was extremely good but, towards the end, when my late wife could no longer hold down her unhealed emotional wounds and bottled up pain and anger, she became somewhat abusive and hit me pretty hard below the belt, at least one time, with a very painful "secret" that I had innocently shared with her from my ugly past. It hurt very deeply but I had learned, in Recovery, not to hit back so I just took it. I realized that I had honestly and innocently given her plenty of emotional ammunition to use on me so, as her bottled up anger and pain surfaced, she became more and more UNFRIENDLY! Our entire relationship was built on love and friendship but nothing could stand up to the lake of repressed trauma and anger inside or her once she no longer had the strength to control it.
VN are slippery to pin down but there are certain traits to watch out for.
*Snide backhanded comments out of nowhere
When she made these "backhanded comments", I often wrote them off as either the naked truth or no big deal since she seemed so wise, understanding and kind in most cases. She was much loved and liked by everyone who knew her!! Now I see it very differently. She had unresolved issues and couldn't help being snide and critical of MANY others at certain times. I thought I was the only snide one here!
*Unable to have fair open discussions
In the beginning, I thought we were able to communicate better than anyone because we were both in sharing groups and were studying Relationship books BUT, I began to notice that she was very disturbed by difficult subjects so, out of love and respect for her, I began "dropping" the difficult stuff to keep the peace plus there was not very much difficult stuff between us and pretty soon, I was following the NO TALK RULE and stuffing my feelings and issues to be both safe and comfortable. This worked for many yeas but finally came back to haunt us towards the end! The things we never dared talk about NEEDED to be discussed and SOLVED instead of being swept under the carpet! We both had lived with that kind of crippling, fearful dishonesty in the past and now we were doing it again in our own marriage! It didn't work! The stuff we failed to face bit both of us in the end!
Much or most of what is on this list applies to both of my wives and myself. The bottom line was and still is how to fix these flaws and issues to become a little less narcissistic or not at all. I wish I could say I've succeeded but I haven't and, now that she's gone, I can see how Codependent and Selfish we both were in our marriage of 26 wonderful but sometimes troubled years. We did maintain a high standard of mutual love and respect but we could have used a little more honest and open communication from day one. I knew how but "Chickened out" and I believe my late wife was never able or willing to get completely open and honest with me. After she crossed over, I learned of some very disturbing and painful stuff that happened between her, her children and ex-husband so I now know that my late wife was sitting on a huge array of painful, unfinished business that she did not work on in any of her Recovery period nor during our marriage. I worked on my childhood issues almost constantly so I now see how and why she began to fall apart at the end due to an OCEAN of unhealed pain! I regret not seeing the truth of her inner dilemma and helping her heal it as much as possible. She needed a punching bag and plenty of tissues to express the bottled up RAGE and GRIEF that finally emerged just before she DIED.
-- Edited by Hey There on Friday 23rd of June 2017 08:02:42 AM
