Hi. I'm new to CoDA. I have struggled for many years ... my whole life with many issues. I am 42 and have made a lot of strides but feel I'm right back where I've always been. But, in a fresh, new hell.
It is my relationship with my wife.
Basically, I have been married for 19 years - together for 22. I have taken a passive/submissive role in the relationship, put my wife on a pedestal, let her take over and take charge of whatever she wanted to - including even small things like sending out cards to my family members.
I was content to be caught up in my own head and my own ambitions such as work, exercise, and working on myself.
Due to all my self-work, I was able to let go of my perfectionism and compulsivity with work. But then, my insanity shifted to my marriage.
I started thinking that my wife doesn't want to have sex with me and equating that with total rejection of ME.
Then, one day, she said she was running out to the store and I started to have a panic attack. Then I became obsessed with her. I started thinking she was having an affair. I was watching her and trying to check up on her, taking note of how long she has been gone. I started thinking that she doesn't like me, doesn't love me, and doesn't want to be with me.
I asked her about this many times and she would always say, "I love you and I want to be with you" and she would always make honest and sincere efforts to meet my needs. But it never seems to be enough.
I am coming to realize that I am afraid of losing her - even through my own rejection of her and I'm afraid of emotional abandonment.
I need help to stop focusing on her, what she's doing, etc. I welcome any advise or feedback ... or questions.
...
...