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Post Info TOPIC: Suicidal ideation...

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Posts: 278
Suicidal ideation...


  aww Not to be taken lightly, at all. When I was 8 or 9 my dad told me he wanted to kill himself.

Mum noticed a change in me. The phrase she used i will treasure:- Chin up, chicken. But

She was a mum and not a therapist, and she never asked me what was on.

Went through some seasons of chronic neglect at that time too- which didn't help.

WhenI was 14 I lost a teacher to jail. At 17 I lost another teacher and role model to cancer.

I think that when we do steps 8 and 9- we need to take account of these things- and share them with one other, at least.

When I was 21 I lost two uncles to suicide. Both had been veterans- and they left behind big families.

After I joined the Anglican church, the vicar should himself.

There was no causal connection there !

But it was a trend in my world.

I did treatment as a family member. If was horrific for me.

One advantage was the my old schoolfriend "mike" was there too- and I got to hang out with him there.

he was a great believer in pills' and obeying the system he was a veteran

He never went to any meetings at all, though he did remain sober.

I found out by accident that he was in a bad way,

MY SO is a DAO in NZ. Of ya'll can follow the acronyms biggrin

That means that she is in a crisis team that puts people away in mental hospitals.

Actually I am going out to a birthday lunch with a while bunch of 'em! 

Anyway mike's mum rang me by mistake- and I went round to see him.

he was in a bad bad way,

His brother was a lawyer and put him in a private clinic for six weeks.

When he got out he hanged himself in his mother's garage- leaving her to find him.

That final signature...hmm...

Another month later his son killed himself too. blankstare

I used to call myself a "groupaholic" I went to so many meetings.

I sense now that I am fairly emotionally healthy.

Other times i get the sense that some people try and drag me down- because I seem to be going too far, too fast.

Worth that that- gaslight me, and bully me real bad.

I always had an impossible intelligence, and was acutely sensitive.

I always loved sharing time- with all of XA, and felt that sense of solidarity and support.

A really special emotional intimate space.

Recently... I attended an international zoom conference of first peoples.

The chair must have sensed something- and awhi-ed me. Awhi, or awhina, means empathy. 

So when she asked me to share I just about blew my eyeballs out with crying.

About my kid cousins who ended up working in brothels.

Something I did not get to share in the treatment centre- 1985 and 1987.

My oldest girl cousin and her four beautiful brothers.

Their dad became a Navy man at the age of 15. In that generation out people were midgets, anyway.

He must have seen more than battle action. I believe he had acquired what a lot o people get-

learned helplessness.

I sort of was going to write an article about "learned helplessness".

But this go to be a bit more personal.

Actually being personal can be a bit of a no-no in some social circles.

Crying also- which I learned to stem my crying at the age of 8 or 9.

I heard that is someone wept- it was called a breakdown- and they would lock you up in the bin. {A mental hospital}.

Now I have the help I need.

I know about boundaries now.

If I get condemned, banned or bullied it triggers my deep- founded sense of abandonment.

I do not ask for pity, I look for hope.


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