Step Study - Step 1 - Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group

fap123 · Senior Member

RE: Step Study - Step 1

fap123 · Senior Member

We admit we are powerless over other.

After thinking about this step 1, and applying it to my current situation with the tenant being late in paying the rent.
I became conscious of how I would feel and what I might do if I were the tenant and received a three day notice.
I would be worried; I would start calling family, friends, to see if they could help out. I would keep in contact with the landlord bringing any money I could, to show that I was trying to pay. I would wash cars or window, to raise some money. I would collect cans to sell for cash.

The trap I tend to fall into as the landlord is. I project my own thoughts of what I would do (in this case), upon the current tenant. So now I’m trying to (take power over the other person).

As a codependent person, I want to help, and I think I know the best solution for any problem.
I see their predicament from my perception, and think I’m right.

It’s hard for me to pull the trigger on starting the eviction process because of the following reason.
It makes me feel like I’m wrong in my perception. (And I always think I’m right)
It cost me money that I never recoup.
I feel responsible for the other person.
I take it personally as yet another failure in relationships with people.
I think maybe they will see the light if I give them a little more time.

Thankfully, I believe in this case I have set some boundaries that are reasonable. The rent is due on the first. Today is the 20th. More than ample time to pay the rent. Notice ended on the 18th.
The tenant has a short window on the 21st to get the money into the bank. It will be too late by the afternoon.

I reminding myself I am powerless over others, this helps me to move forward to evict this tenant.
I do so without any hate or judgment toward her. I wish her and her two children well.
I am not responsible for her life choices. My perceptions of this event are different than the tenants, and that’s okay.

This has made me think about the idea of (there are no accidents).

Is this Tenent /eviction issue, testing me to be more firm in setting boundaries for myself? This is the second eviction with-in a year’s time at this property. The last one was very similar, in I allowed the tenant to stay longer due to me feeling sorry for her and her child.

Hopefully I will be quicker to act on serving the late notice in the future, instead of trying to perceive what another person maybe thinking.
I am powerless over others.

Peace

ape130 · Veteran Member

I relate to free time being scary. I've noticed when I'm not busy or don't have preset plans, it's a struggle inside. I would struggle if I were a landlord,in fact I don't like any job that doesn't give me specific direction. I'm still trying to recognize when I'm trying to control others. For example, if I'm doing a bunch of extra stuff for Momma, leaving her treats, cleaning, sending cards, or grocery shopping am I really just trying to control her responses towards me to get the emotional acceptance I think it will bring?

fap123 · Senior Member

It’s hard to define this line of being codependent vs being caring for someone you love and care for.
So if a person has been codependent for a while. Breaking the cycle and habit that seem to be normal caring is hard to do.
Some questions to ask myself might be. Have I been ask to do these thinks directly each time?
Am I doing this task for some hidden agenda? Hoping that this makes this person need me more?
Is this person able body enough to do these things for themselves? Am I playing the part of the rescuer or the victim in this relationship? Either way, you lose.
If you’re able to get the Coda pamphlets that are sometimes available at meeting. There are several really good ones that help to identify when a person maybe crossing this line.

A friend of mine had a disability were she was unable to walk. She could only get around her house
In a wheelchair or her preferred way was scooting herself on her back. She was able to push with her legs, arms, and back, but not able to stand. If I, or someone else decided to assist her to every room. She would have never become independent to move from room to room. After a short while she was able to move from room to room almost as fast as I could walk. This taught me a lesson in life. If the goal is important enough to the person. They will find a way to accomplish the task on their own. This girl learned to take care of herself. Instead of calling out help me. She knew where she wanted to go and she went. That’s what I need to learn. Sometimes when I help a person, I am setting them up to play a victim role. I then become the rescuer.
Feels great for a while. I feel needed, I have a purpose, I feel loved, I’m important, and the list goes on. But we all wouldn’t be here if it worked that way, now would we.

It’s an easy trap to step into. As I mentioned in dealing with my tenant situation. I stepped into the rescuer role. For a short while I felt like the hero. Today, not so much.
“No good deed goes un-punished”

Peace

ape130 · Veteran Member

Yes. This is going to be extremely hard for me, trying to see where the boundaries are between being caring and being codependent. These pamphlets, are they something I could order? Maybe if I try to email someone on the coda.org website over the closest area meeting. I've seen at least 3 books about codependency by Melody, but I can't decide which one is best fit for me to read. I do understand your point about not letting others grow on their own. I guess I need to just start asking myself questions and try to balance it more than I do.

BTW, I love "Wicked!"

fap123 · Senior Member

Yes you can get them from Coda web site. They are a bit cheaper from meeting places usually due to shipping charges.

Ape130, I'm a little SLOW and OLD. lol You lost me with the last line. EDUCATE ME. What is "Wicked" ??

fap123 · Senior Member

Okay I know I’m breaking the rules of (When is it OK to help rules) just posting this for some of yal to read. This is one book I have used in my recovery.

When Is It Okay To Help?
I once heard a rule of thumb that I liked. In a meeting someone shared that their definition of helping is “Doing something for someone who could not have done that act for himself or herself.”
So the first question I ask myself is: “Can this person do it for himself or herself?” If the answer is yes, then as hard as it may be, I keep my hands at my sides and my mouth stays shut.
The second question is: “Did they specifically ask me for help?” If the answer to the first question is YES and the second question is NO, then I keep my hands at my sides and my mouth stays shut. The word ‘specifically’ is important because many times I’ve heard people rationalize their actions by claiming that although someone didn’t openly ask for help “it was implied”. I don’t read minds anymore.
One of my favorite examples of exercising this tool comes up during our group’s meetings from time to time. Sometimes people share things that may cause them or others to feel strong emotions, and we keep a box of tissues in the center of the room for anyone who needs them. Whenever this happens I see it as a chance for me to exercise this tool. The person who is being overcome by emotion can clearly see the box of tissues in the middle of the circle and, as the saying goes, “their legs ain’t broken”. In one case we did have someone who’d been injured and was on crutches — well, his mouth wasn’t broken. If the person’s not able to get himself or herself a tissue then they can ask someone for assistance. So I sit in my chair and do nothing. Almost every time someone else in the group ends up getting the box of tissues even though they were never asked to. I say nothing and chuckle to myself because I understand what’s just happened: their belief that “helping is good” overrode his or her decision to respect boundaries.
There are some people in this world who feel if they need assistance they shouldn’t have to ask for it, people should just act. Essentially this is saying that they want people to cross boundaries without being asked. At the heart of it this is an unhealthy belief: “If you love me you’ll cross my boundaries.” That’s the same logic abusers use to justify physical, sexual, and verbal abuse. Anyone who wants this has issues to work out for himself or herself they are not my issues. As I heard someone say once, “You can keep the magazines; I no longer subscribe to these issues.” In general, any time I hear anyone say, “If you love me you’ll “ it’s an attempt to should on me. No, I don’t have to ____. I can love someone without having to do anything.
See Also:
Replacing Old Beliefs with New Ones
I Don’t Read Minds Anymore
Friendship Circles
Never Let Anyone “Should” on You
My First Thought Isn’t My Own
Recognizing Love
Love Is Like A Sixth Sense
A Guide To The Recovery Toolbox - www.RecoveryBookPress.com

ape130 · Veteran Member

This makes sense,the helping thing. But doesn't feel natural. Not sure I'm ready to try that level yet... as for Wicked its a musical.one of the songs is "no good deed goes unpunished." I wrongly assumed that's what you were referring to when you quoted

willing · Guru

One of the things I learned in recovery that I wasn't even aware of before I started was my immense codependent need for my father to love and approve of me. I permeated EVERY DAY, everything I did, every choice I made.

Working the 12 steps I got to let go of that. It is SO MUCH BETTER. I am free. I feel literally lighter. My relationship is better with my father because I don't feel I am dragging his love and approval out of him, but I am receiving it freely because he truly loves me.

Willing

ape130 · Veteran Member

I still haven't worked through step 1, I'm trying to figure out what that might mean for me specifically right now. I'll get there. Anyway, what you described about your relationship with your father sounds similar to mine with Momma--except that she isn't my biological mother. My "real" parents currently live with me while their new home is being built. There has been a wedge between me and my real mother since they moved in 2 years ago (same time my relationship with Momma started becoming codependent). Looking back I know there were many times that I purposely lengthened the cap between Momma and my actual Mother, because deep down I didn't want them to be friends. What if they became closer to each other than to me? And I didn't want Momma taken away from me, I wanted her to see how much more I needed HER to be a mother figure to me. It's awful to admit, and though Momma has quite often tried encouraging me to better my relationship with my mother, I haven't listened much in that regard. Because I still believe that if I do that, it will mean letting go of Momma.

willing · Guru

bump

apple39 · Veteran Member

Hi everyone! This is my first post. I am in 2 other programs---completed overeaters anonymous steps (working aa big book) twice, aca doing my first round on the 5th step in that group, but when I read the coda stuff from the home page here about how it effects people at work, I know I still have these issues. So here I go. I don't have the book yet, but will get it soon. I don't know about meetings, because I already do 2 other step programs so hopefully this board and maybe a phone meeting or something is enough to help. So right now my coda issues bother me the most at work. I am married, and while my wife and I of course have some codie behavior, we are also pretty stable (after years of hard work, we didn't start that way for sure). So for today:

1. Have I been trying to exert power or influence where I may in reality have none? have I been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?

This is a huge struggle for me right now. I am trying hard to get a promotion at work. Normally I do, after all this freaking step work, realize that I can only control myself. BUT with them hiring for a manager in my dept, and me being a supervisor who wants that position, it is very hard for me to see any problem in my dept and not want to fix it, so I can work on impressing the heck out of my boss's boss. See that is the problem. My boss was hired from outside, and while a very, very, nice person, is a bit of a dofus, who doesn't really actually do any work. He just sits in on meetings and watches other people work. At my company, we do not consider that management. A manager is expected to both manage, and work. As a supervisor, I am required to have the capability to do everything my team does, and then some. Expectations are that a manager may not be able to do all that I do, because they have other duties, but should be able to actually provide value. Before he came I reported directly to my director.

My director may not be super pleased with my manager. She has hinted at that a time or 2. My director gets to decide who we hire as manager. My manager has been pretty open about the fact that he does not like the director.

Right now, my manager, who writes my reviews at year end, may not really like me, because I keep showing him up in regards to planning and knowledge with our director. I am not showing him up intentionally, I just have more knowledge. I get stressed out, because I like him, I want him to do well, but I also need my director to know what work I am doing, so that when it comes time for a decision to be made she knows the contribution I make to the dept.

I hate this. Normally I would be happy to just send my manager whatever I have done and if he takes credit for it to the director he has to live with that. But I have been copying my director in on more and more questions/decisions. And it's pissing my boss off.

So I guess my crazy cody struggle on this is who to be codependent with :). My boss, or my bosses boss. and then how to live with whatever negativity I get either way. Because as a codependant person, I struggle to deal with the idea that ANYBODY know matter how stupid they are (and no one here is stupid, just venting my anger. my boss may be a little lazy, but not stupid) but I can't deal with the idea that anybody has a negative opinion with me. So I am going through the day feeling like I am balancing everything.

Argh. so I guess the best way to handle it is to do the best work I can. Continue to copy in both director and manager, and whatever their issues are, those are their issues.

And for that I need support. Glad you all are here! been awesome reading all of the stuff, I really relate!

apple39 · Veteran Member

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

My job, I am doing the bulk of the work and successfully leading a team, yet making less than my boss who does not have any actual contribution to the work. I feel like I have been victimized by my job. I am staying with it because I am hoping something comes of it. Some part of me wonders if I have not gotten the job because I am gay.

Right now I am running from the feelings around my dad's death. This is my 2nd christmas since he died. My dad was the person in the family who I had the most in common with. He abandoned me as a child, too, he was never around. He wasn't alcoholic, may parents didn't divorce, nothing like that, he was there, just not present. He was asleep in the back :). Literally. He was a compulsive overeater and workaholic, worked nights, and stayed in the backroom all of the time.

It may be that my manager reminds me of my dad a little bit. He is there, but doesn't really get involved. It's like he's scared. Then my manager and dad had other things in common, neither of them were religious. Maybe resented religion a little bit. My mom was extremely religious. For a lesbian, that was not fun. I was going to hell every other day of the week. I was constantly working to please my mom. Well----trying to get this promotion I am setting myself up to always try to please my very demanding, critical (and fyi, religious although she doesn't bring that to work) boss while having a manager who doesn't really get involved.

ARgh. I see the family parallels. It is a very sticky situation for me.

Feeling angry today too because they posted the job outside of the company as well as inside.

apple39 · Veteran Member

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

I might have to face that this may be as far as I can get with the resume that I currently have. Maybe I have hit that glass ceiling. I may have to face that the lovely old house I have in a great area in town is still an old house and may require to much upkeep for me to be able to afford, and I may need to sell the house and move to a part of town that I like less. I may have to face that I can't do everything or beat everyone. That I have limits. That pushing myself that hard is not healthy for me or others. I may have to face the parts of me that are sad, and fearful. I don't know what I fear, but I do know that I attach fear to nonsense things. I attach fear to things like my wife's driving. We have been together for 14 years, and she has never had a wreck. Yet when she is driving us somewhere, I feel my feet trying to push through the floorboard like some imaginary brakes. Fear of heights. Fear of bugs. Fear of not doing well at work (in my entire time at this company I have never had any disciplanary action or write ups, yet I have fear in regards to my job). I know that these are false fears, and I am not sure how to really get rid of those. Then the anger. that is there. is that real anger at the job or am I attaching it from something else? The job does in many ways remind me of my family situation. to have my contribution be ignored while others contribute less is hurtful to me.

willing · Guru

Hello Apple39,

Glad you found us and sorry for the delay in response. It has been quiet here lately.

All the advice around this issue is VERY hard to implement as my ego is so active in my life. I know I struggle with it daily, especially around work. All I can do is practice and hope I get better and bring myself some relief from the troubling thoughts, doubts, expectations and judgement of others I have going on in my head.

1. What others think of you is none of your business. Pretty straight forward. Not everyone is going to like you, respect you, etc. If I accept that and just get on with being me and try not to worry about it, things are better. What helps here is watching my own behavior. When I am being judgmental, think I am better or less than someone else etc. I know that others are doing exactly as I do and that helps me let go of what they think of me, because they are being human and see me through their filter, just like I see them and others through my own.

2. Do the work, let go of the results. Have you plainly stated you want the promotion and why you think you qualify? I just had to do this this morning. It wasn't a promotion, but it was a project I want that my boss has in the past taken because he finds it interesting (a trip to Australia/NZ). He is more than willing to send me less desirable places, but he tends to take the more interesting trips. This one came up this morning and I thought "He's going to do it again!". So I decided to express that I was interested and let it go. At first I was already getting pissed at his taking the trip instead of giving it to me and was going to sit and brood on it until it came to fruition without saying anything. So I put myself out there, said I wanted to go, and the results will be what they are.

I struggle with my ego often at work. I found out recently that for 7 years I was doing twice the work of anyone else and getting paid the least in the entire organization. I am not saying that from an ego perspective, all the numbers support it. We finally hired someone to help me, I am pleased, but when I found out I am the lowest paid person in the organization I was very upset. I have been working through it. While I do not support discrimination (I was the only woman) and will stand up for myself when the time is right, I make plenty of money and my life is good. I have had to learn to move from a "Live to work" mentality to a "Work to live" one and in that vain I decided not to react to the issue at the moment. I did bring it up to my boss, who brushed it off and said 'I doubt it is true', but I have not brought it to the CEO yet and I know in my gut there will be a time I will be able to do so and not do it out of anger and self-defense.

To help with my ego issues at work I think of myself lying on my death bed (whenever I struggle I think of this). How important is this really? When I am lying there taking my last breaths ... will a little more money per year really matter? Is it worth the upset I am experiencing today, ruining this day I will never get back? I also think of how much I have compared to others. I mean locally and abroad. I watched One Dollar a Day recently and I try to imagine how folks would behave if we plucked them from the environment of poverty and plopped them into my life. An visa versa. I feel silly sometimes, remembering being told as a child "Children in China are starving, finish your dinner!" ... but it is true. I have so much and it really takes so little work (compared to walking miles for water or using a pit latrine with no toilet paper). I mean really, how difficult is this life of mine?

Gratitude is a wonderful moderator in my life. I need to find the balance between asking for what I want, standing up for myself, and letting go and accepting what is and prioritizing it appropriately in my life.

Thank you for sharing. It helps to know I am not alone.

apple39 wrote:
Hi everyone! This is my first post. I am in 2 other programs---completed overeaters anonymous steps (working aa big book) twice, aca doing my first round on the 5th step in that group, but when I read the coda stuff from the home page here about how it effects people at work, I know I still have these issues. So here I go. I don't have the book yet, but will get it soon. I don't know about meetings, because I already do 2 other step programs so hopefully this board and maybe a phone meeting or something is enough to help. So right now my coda issues bother me the most at work. I am married, and while my wife and I of course have some codie behavior, we are also pretty stable (after years of hard work, we didn't start that way for sure). So for today:

1. Have I been trying to exert power or influence where I may in reality have none? have I been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?

This is a huge struggle for me right now. I am trying hard to get a promotion at work. Normally I do, after all this freaking step work, realize that I can only control myself. BUT with them hiring for a manager in my dept, and me being a supervisor who wants that position, it is very hard for me to see any problem in my dept and not want to fix it, so I can work on impressing the heck out of my boss's boss. See that is the problem. My boss was hired from outside, and while a very, very, nice person, is a bit of a dofus, who doesn't really actually do any work. He just sits in on meetings and watches other people work. At my company, we do not consider that management. A manager is expected to both manage, and work. As a supervisor, I am required to have the capability to do everything my team does, and then some. Expectations are that a manager may not be able to do all that I do, because they have other duties, but should be able to actually provide value. Before he came I reported directly to my director.

My director may not be super pleased with my manager. She has hinted at that a time or 2. My director gets to decide who we hire as manager. My manager has been pretty open about the fact that he does not like the director.

Right now, my manager, who writes my reviews at year end, may not really like me, because I keep showing him up in regards to planning and knowledge with our director. I am not showing him up intentionally, I just have more knowledge. I get stressed out, because I like him, I want him to do well, but I also need my director to know what work I am doing, so that when it comes time for a decision to be made she knows the contribution I make to the dept.

I hate this. Normally I would be happy to just send my manager whatever I have done and if he takes credit for it to the director he has to live with that. But I have been copying my director in on more and more questions/decisions. And it's pissing my boss off.

So I guess my crazy cody struggle on this is who to be codependent with :). My boss, or my bosses boss. and then how to live with whatever negativity I get either way. Because as a codependant person, I struggle to deal with the idea that ANYBODY know matter how stupid they are (and no one here is stupid, just venting my anger. my boss may be a little lazy, but not stupid) but I can't deal with the idea that anybody has a negative opinion with me. So I am going through the day feeling like I am balancing everything.

Argh. so I guess the best way to handle it is to do the best work I can. Continue to copy in both director and manager, and whatever their issues are, those are their issues.

And for that I need support. Glad you all are here! been awesome reading all of the stuff, I really relate!

apple39 · Veteran Member

Hi Willing!

Thank you for your feedback. Just answering the questions here have been extremely helpful for me and I plan to continue. I have made it obvious at work that I am interested in a promotion, and I actually have a first interview today. I have not made it clear to my director why I feel that I am deserving (my boss has me carry the weight, I already supervise a team that performs well so the management aspect is under my belt, etc) because I don't want to make things difficult for the man that will right my review, but yes I am manipulating big time right now and I know it.

But I can't write more on this because I have to be at work early due to the interview :). I just wanted to say hi and acknowledge your response this morning. Thanks!

willing · Guru

Hello Apple39,

I love this share, thank you. Fear is such a powerful thing and just when I think I have it licked, it rears it's ugly head again.

With practice I am getting better and eradicating fear from my everyday life, the simple things. With bigger things, like social engagements, sky diving, traveling, heights ... I lean into them. I try to conquer them. It's kind of become my thing. Then there are the ones that I just have to throw in the towel and give up on. Like public speaking. There are certain types I can do and some I can't. Teaching doesn't bother me, in fact I love it. Presenting via the web, as long as it offers content and isn't a 10 minute "pitch", I love it. I get excited and it shows. Put me up on a podium in front of hundreds of people, forget it. I had to do this again last month and I literally almost threw up in front of those 200 people. I have been doing it for 20 years and it only gets worse. It came time to say "regardless of the cost, I am not doing this to myself anymore". So I did. I told my boss I wasn't doing it anymore and I was more than willing to give up my job if I had to.

I listen to my fears and learn a lot in discerning if they are my reality or not. I watch my daughter drive away from her home (she lives next door) to take a long commute and my heart is touched by fear and I say out loud "Please let her be safe today" every day. I love her and she is going off everyday to do probably the most dangerous thing she does in her life (driving), so I get it! But I lean into it. I feel the fear and know there is such and overwhelming love under it and it instantly turns into gratitude everyday. The process ... open the window and yell out "Good morning! Have a good day. I love you!" and I get the same in return. As I watch the tail lights go down the drive my heart contracts in pain as I think of something happening to her. Then I think how lucky I am to see her and say this every morning and I say "Thank you, please let her be safe today." Pretty funny how often I do things like that, I am agnostic!

I think the biggest thing for me is to stop thinking I am weak if I am afraid of something. My daughter and I can go to the top of the Space needle and she runs to the edge excited and I am plastered to the wall about the pass out. It is valid. I am not weak or stupid. That logic fits with all my fears. Some may not be based in reality and need me to work through them and conquer them, others are valid and there is nothing I can do but honor them and take care of myself around them (stay away from the edge!!!). But in order for me to navigate through them and really SEE them, I need to stop judging myself for them and realize I am human, like everyone else. We ALL have fear.

Thank you for your wonderful share.

PS. Here's a picture for you. I have put the trash cans into the back of the truck for the haul down to the street. As I am taking one of them out this big Orb Weaver is climbing on one, no where near me, and suddenly I am screaming like a .... well, a girl! LOL. I get a stick and get it out of my truck, but I am dancing around like a cat with tape on it's paws. I know the neighbors can see and hear me, but it is just built in response! The funny thing is, when my daughter has the same response to spiders I am the calm one. So how valid is my response? Things like that really intrigue me. Humans intrigue me. I am a really fascinating puzzle.

apple39 wrote:
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
I might have to face that this may be as far as I can get with the resume that I currently have. Maybe I have hit that glass ceiling. I may have to face that the lovely old house I have in a great area in town is still an old house and may require to much upkeep for me to be able to afford, and I may need to sell the house and move to a part of town that I like less. I may have to face that I can't do everything or beat everyone. That I have limits. That pushing myself that hard is not healthy for me or others. I may have to face the parts of me that are sad, and fearful. I don't know what I fear, but I do know that I attach fear to nonsense things. I attach fear to things like my wife's driving. We have been together for 14 years, and she has never had a wreck. Yet when she is driving us somewhere, I feel my feet trying to push through the floorboard like some imaginary brakes. Fear of heights. Fear of bugs. Fear of not doing well at work (in my entire time at this company I have never had any disciplanary action or write ups, yet I have fear in regards to my job). I know that these are false fears, and I am not sure how to really get rid of those. Then the anger. that is there. is that real anger at the job or am I attaching it from something else? The job does in many ways remind me of my family situation. to have my contribution be ignored while others contribute less is hurtful to me.

apple39 · Veteran Member

Thank you for sharing!

Pre interview thing went well, I am moving to the next round. Rough day yesterday, had to deal with my family which is never easy for me, helping to watch my brothers kids, he is in the middle of a custody battle, because his step child has been molested by his dad. I left that house triggered and angry as I always do. However, had a very nice feeling at one point, I was there with my mom and my wife, my mom and I have nothing in common and not a lot to say to each other. My mom is extremely religious. I am spiritual more than anything, like church and all, but have a lot more freedom with my beliefs, plus I am a lesbian, typically unpopular with the fundamentalists. So anyway we are all sitting around, not knowing what to say and the thought actually crossed my mind that I am my own person. I can decide how to behave, what to accept and not accept, I can be in control of me.

Not saying I did a whole lot different at that time, but I hope to build on that thought. Now if I could have that when my brother was around. :). Baby steps.

apple39 · Veteran Member

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

Emotions---depends on the day but I would ultimately say unstable. Right now is particularly tough, my dad died about a year and a half ago, unexpectedly, he was 58, diagnosed with cancer and 9 mos later gone. This is my 2nd holiday season without him. In my foo he was the closest thing to an ally that I had. Beyond that I get way to sucked in to my work life, I use that for self esteem a good bit of the time, so if something goes bad at work I go haywire. I am a compulsive overeater maintaining some level of abstinence, even though a lot of days those grey lines blur more than they should.

Finances----well. in debt a little, but the bills are payable and not too far out of control. Like with anyone enough is never enough :).

spirituallity----I don't feel as connected as I one time did. I wish to have that connection back. That feeling that hp is acting in my daily life.

Physical health---as a horse. wasn't always, through oa I lost a ton of weight and I maintain a good exercise program. Probably more fit now than when I was in my 20s.

Career---dissatisfied with level. Ultimately I don't have a college degree. I have done very well for my education level. But I also know that I can do more, and currently make more contribution to the company I work for than most of those around me. Hopefully my currrent work pays off.

Fun, pleasure, enjoyment----netflix binging with the wife. I love to work out. Eating out with friends is one of my favorite things. I love to play with my brothers kids, just not crazy about the other family. Wish I could like just borrow 1 for the day or something, spoil them rotten and give them back. That will come with time I am sure. I want to go out of town, travel more. We are stopped from doing that a lot of the time because one of the dogs is diabetic, requires shots, and won't eat with strangers around. This means the dogs go with us when we go anywhere, which means we spend a lot of money for lodging, because regular hotels don't work. It's frustrating. I want a real vacation soon.

apple39 · Veteran Member

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

Family----a wreck 10 different ways. Father died a little over a year ago, we never had much connection regardless though. but it still hurts. My mom thinks religion is an extreme sport and is living out the competition (she's winning, by the way). My brother did 2 tours of duty as a combat engineer, one in iraq and one in afghanistan, never received counseling. He probably had some ptsd before the war, but he is in it for real now, living it out with 4 kids and a wife, seeing the enemy everywhere. The one place I am lucky? My wife. We aren't perfect, it has taken us a lot of work to get to the point we are at today, but I have a good relationship. It is so weird to me sometimes to look back on the complete wreck of my family and go damn. Things ended up pretty good here. We didn't start that way, initially we had a lot of codependency (can still do that sometimes) jealousy, and to be honest abuse of each other. a few 12 step programs and anger management classes later here we are. thank HP for a little bit of sanity among the mess, huh?

Friends---pretty good among a select few. I have a tendency to make friends and then drift a lot. I am trying to work on that. Trying to learn to be a better friend.

co-workers---again, pretty good among a select few. I like my coworkers. I can be overly competitive and sometimes that can be an issue. I am trying to work on letting them shine more too, and be contributers to the whole team.

Most of the time I feel a part of life. But sometimes I do end up feeling alone and isolated. I can blame others for this, but I know at the root I am the captain of my own ship, and I decide what I will put up with in life.

apple39 · Veteran Member

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

apple39 · Veteran Member

Does my mind feel clear and consistent? NO. I binged last night, have to report that to my sponsor today. My mind feels depressed a lot of the time right now. Bad things happening in my family and the holidays and my dad being gone and I am feeling a bit under the weather.

Emotions----me and HP. I do hold HP a little responsible for the fact that my dad is gone. For the fact that my brother has married such an insane woman, that my nieces and nephews are so torn apart right now. I am pissed at hp for making my mom insane, and my brother hate my aunt. In all of this I miss my dad. My family always struggled, I never really wanted to spend much time with them, but it is like anything good has been sucked out of my family right now and those kids are hurting. Anyway, big surprise, I have been a little depressed. Is it any surprise I binged on granola bars and chips? It could be a whole lot worse. Beyond that, I recognize I am a little depressed and that there are things I can do to combat depression. Eating right (no laughter please) exercise, attending my religious stuff, working this stuff.

Finances----again me. Although sometimes I hold my boss responsible for it. They keep telling me I do a great job, then don't promote me, but don't tell me what I can do better to get promoted. But I have a great job, make pretty good money, and the interview I had went well and I was told I was moving to the next level. the process is just moving slow and I am impatient.

Health----I have been feeling sick, too. Not bad, but sore throat and slightly under the weather, just weather related I am sure, it feels like spring out there right now. But when my health is not perfect that is another time I tend to struggle with food. That is because one of the things I have always struggled with turning over is my physical health and any limitations that may exist. Not sure if it is due to that reminding me of my mortality or what, but I don't like to leave space for hp when it comes to my physical health. I want to be in control. And I can't always.

State of my relationships----me. I know what my flaws are. I am working to overcome them but of course need hps help. I have a tendancy to be the best friend one day and gone the next. Or for it to never be enough. Or to need more and more and more from friendships.

apple39 · Veteran Member

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

I feel resentful because my wife lost her temper over something silly yesterday and not only did we have a big fight, I ended up standing up some friends, just completely not even showing up. Being there for my friends is one of those things I am working on. She behaved in an utterly ridiculous manner. This is not a normal everyday thing for her, but it has happened before. With that being said, I am no angel either. I have gotten overly drunk and embarassed her in the past, been rude, etc, so I can claim no martyrism here. I know being in a relationship is a choice, it is a choice I choose to make. But I am still resentful about the fight yesterday.

I feel resentful about all this pc down reporting I have to do at work. I am the one who said I would handle getting those reports, and I did some extremely detailed reporting, thing is computers don't go down as much as they have here lately, they have been going down every day for like the last 3 weeks, and now I feel that I am always playing catch up trying to get these things done. I need IT to get this stuff fixed, and I need the systems to stop going down.

I had to stand up my friends. Unfortunately. I have to do these damn pc down reports. I have to see the kids and try not to criticize my brother or discuss what may or may not be going on. With him, my mother, anyone. I have to not eat more than 3 meals a day. I have to not eat desserts. ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH.

But, I don't know that trapped is the right word for me. I need my job. I actually really like my job, just not these stupid reports. I love my wife. She behaved badly yesterday but like I said, I am not saint either. Right now, things are just a bit of ****. I feel resentful because of all the crap. but it's not like that always. It's an imperfect life with imperfect people. I could choose to not be trapped, of course, but a life of solitude never did anything for anyone either. So I choose to accept the imperfections, because mine are accepted as well. With my foo I accept but have boundaries.

apple39 · Veteran Member

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?

My first 12 step group was OA. I began attending because I weighed 295 pounds and met someone who had lost 60 pounds in OA. Been there for 5 years now.

The issue that plaques me the most know is my unhealthy relationships with work and family. I have too much enmeshment. I tend to either go for completely enmeshed, or if I managed to remove myself from the enmeshment, which is rare but has happened recently, then I neglect to try at all. I am either completely absorbed, or have 0 connection. I would like to be able to try, give an effort 100%, but not to the extent of comprising myself and leaving room for others. This is with both work and home. That is the goal, my picture of what success looks like. I know perfection doesn't exist, but attaining a bit more balance on this would be a blessing. When I am 100% enmeshed, I experience a ton of anxiety.

Most worried about----displeasing my boss. Not getting a promotion I am trying to get. Losing my job (even though there is no threat of this) being seen as less than, not as good as, being seen as doing a bad job. being abandoned by my family. I already have nothing in common with them, is there room for me? For that matter, do I want there to be room? I don't know. It is a relief when I am not with them, but in my childhood not having their acceptance hurt me so much it is like even today I continue to try when I am not even really sure that is what I need. There is a clear message in society that family, foo, is necessary to attain happiness. I look to not have so much foo and have more family of choice, but then I go towards it and drive myself away or allow myself to be driven.

Self care-----well I do that every day when I take the time to do the work. This is self care, taking time to delve deeper into myself.

Someone in my life causing me misery-----right now there are issues with my wife, I can't say she is causing me misery, she behaved badly recently. I have behaved badly as well. I do wish she had behaved differently. Normally she does, but here we are. Also my brother/his wife. Again, I can't say they are causing me misery. I recently had an experience where I was completely enmeshed with them and then complete seperation occurred. I can't say I regret the separation, it was necessary for my mental health, to be able to see things objectively, but it is hard to go through that kind of thing.

Do I feel that if they behaved differently----been in program long enough to know that I cannot rely on others to provide my happiness. So, I do what I do to the best of my ability. I do have a full life that I am appreciative of most of the time. My wife is loving most of the time. My brother is doing the things he is doing motivated by the purest of motives, albeit they may be a tad bit misguided. This is life, good things happen, **** happens and I will try to work them out the best I can in the meantime.

Katie J · Veteran Member

when i would feel powerless, i would equate it with being helpless and when helpless, I was screwed..Victim of life, or people who were toxic, or just circumstances

my RX was to rage!! to go off on an almost crazy hissy fit of anger. it gave me the illusion of feeling like i had power, but its crazy, and i still do this, but not as bad, thank goodness. i can't stand being powerless, to me, it means i am at the mercy of life and life is often times not fair

as an agnostic, I don't buy into creator aka HP being involved in our lives., I think I have a part of the universe within me, but for the most part, this program and its principles and my higher parent within are my higher powers and its hard to walk away when i am being beaten down and to come back another time, or to let go and let , whatever, come in an help me?? many times, My walking away is to break the negative energy so if there is something benevolent on my side, maybe if i get out of the way, it can step in

the first 3 steps have been the absolute most difficult for me. perhaps they always will be, but program has been my saving grace many times

dreamz · Newbie

For accountability purposes..
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results? Having been abused as a child, sometimes the only safety is in control. That being said, I attempt to 'help' others to the point of my own self destruction. More and more I find that my help is ignored, or not wanted, or criticized.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding? Coworker, husband, children. I deny my own wishes to the logical .. bills to be paid, what should I do to show I love my children... where do you draw the line.

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you? I would have to face life changes without support. I have made some changes to assert myself and that has worked, at least temporarily. But the problems always arise again.

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment? My home, my health, some finances, job options. My hobbies are piano, craft items, but the responsibilities swallow up more of my time.

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated? I am very isolate; not many seem to recognize my feelings .. or is it that I don't validate my own feelings. Some past history has made me reluctant to make new friends.. small town; lots of gossip.

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

I know I have created my situation financially, with my relationships. I am just not sure how to break free of much of it.

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? my job, my way of life. What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? I have to find a way to be independent whether within or outside of my family relationships. In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? all Who or what is trapping you? my relationships with family, finances. Whom do you most want to say something to? I say what I feel, it is them paying attention that is not happening. Why do you feel you can't say it?same results constantly.

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? family If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? wanting to run from it all or stop the cycle. Who or what are you most Worried about?me living through this as is. When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself?this has decreased over the last 6 or more months. Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery?my husband and children. Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy? I would like to see them take their own responsibility; not for me to feel responsible for them, their families, or happiness. I would like to find my own joy, and feel safe that there were no repercussions to my happiness.

While I am clearly aware I am powerless, I am not sure how you let go of what you feel is considered normal in a family life; caring for your family, paying the bills, etc. It has become like Peter Pan, where most all do what they please without consideration of the outcome and sometimes landing me with the repercussions in one manner or another. As with my work, I am either made fun of, or bullied on some level and clearly led to believe I am an exaggerator, or some type of problem... not good enough.

Kat · Newbie

Hello,

where can I find the codependent 12 step books at?

willing · Guru

Hello Kat,

Welcome to MIP! So glad you found us. Sorry for the late reply, I have been traveling abroad with intermittent Internet. Here are some resources:

http://coda.org/index.cfm/purchase/

http://www.amazon.com/CO-DEPENDENTS-CoDA-ebook/dp/B007J6KOAY/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1453870042&sr=8-3&keywords=coda

Search Amazon for anything by Melody Beattie, her work is amazing.

http://www.amazon.com/Melody-Beattie/e/B00455LE2E/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1453870165&sr=8-1

I hope that helps!

Willing

willing · Guru

Bump!

Janeen · Veteran Member

Wow, Good work everyone.

I am amazed not only at the work all of you have done reflecting on the steps, but also in how well you express yourselves. Yes, among many other things, I am an English teacher. Nowadays writing in complete sentences without LOL, LMAO, WTF, etc. is an anachronistic skill. But, writing out thoughts and sharing them clearly has been a tool which has served many steppers well over the many decades. Thank you all for your shares.

Janeen

flyfisherwoman · Newbie

Good Morning, I ready to go to work again. I have hit a point that my life is so consumed by other members in my home. I am tired. I am willing. I am grateful to be here. kt

blossoms103 · Veteran Member

I am powerless over other peop,e and my life has become unmanageable.

i have been very in love for 5 years with a man who describes himself as commitmentphobe and avoidant, grumpy and a loner. I have had a "relationship of sorts" with him, and it has been quite destabilising for me - I was fragile before I knew him. I am obsessed in that I would like nothing more than for him to love me. We both have abandonment and rejection issues from our childhoods. At one time, he said he wanted to marry me. Then later that he could never marry again because he doesn't believe in it for him as he was so miserable when he was married. He said he did want to live with me though. I was okay with this, but not surprisingly, circumstances have not been right for us to live together. I took a job several hundred kilometres from him. For close to 2 years, he planned to move much closer to me, but work and finances won't allow this for him. Fortunately I have been able to buy my own place which has been the most stabilising event in my life for many years.

Anyway, I haven't seen this man for 4 months though we speak on the phone, sometimes he seems distant. He's as unsentimental as they come and has a cold side to him. He's a loner, and aim told Im outgoing and gregarious. I think I like most people, but he is a loner. I don't care about any of that. What obsrsses me is whether or not he loves me.

he is very moody. There are other men interested in me, some nice men with a lot to offer, but all I want us this man to love me, to show his live for me, and to live much closer and spend some time with me.

i feel very depressed and unmotivated a lot of the time. I lost my job a few months ago, but havent put in as much effort as Zi should have to get another job and living off my savings. I have to get a job soon though - but most of my thoughts are about this man, if he loves me, what he is doing, blah, blah, blah. I have to hide a lot of my thoughts and feelings from him as I know that would scare him away even more.

facing up to rejection, abandonment and feeling very unloveable are frightening for me. I came from alcoholic and substance abuse home. I am mature-age but feel like a distraught love sick teenager.

my inner world is killing me and making me miserable, and Zi feel so powerless over all of this.

ape130 · Veteran Member

A mentor of mine that has been working with me and my codependency issues is having me look at myself in the mirror morning and night, look into my own eyes and say: "I am a strong, determined woman." And also to say "I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you," as a way of forgiving yourself for the negative thought patterns you feel stuck in. Letting go is so hard, I know...

fap123 · Senior Member

Ape130, Ho'oponopono By Dr. Joe Vitale, I did this a few years back after reading the article. It was hard for me to keep looking at myself in the mirror for very long. Cause at the time, saying it didn't make it true. But I'm cool now. There was another book I had that was somewhat in the same line to loving yourself. I forgot the name right this moment though.

ape130 · Veteran Member

Right, yes that's what its from! And agreed,very hard looking in the mirror.But you start seeing yourself as an actual person, it's interesting

New Journey · Member

Have read all of these shares and would like to thank you for the identification.
I will be brave and I will post my answers next

New Journey · Member

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?

I feel I have been trying to influence others by control in the way of people pleasing and compulsive helping or to “fix” people. I have tried to control others this way in the hope of being liked, loved and accepted. To also gain respect. When I have tried harder and harder I now realise that it’s only myself that suffers, by either hurt, or disappointment or my dignity
I’ve noticed...The more I give the less they want the more I don’t give the more they want me!! ....

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

Lack of boundaries and my perfectionism

My workplace: By trying to help/please both staff and clients with very little pay. Victimised by both R and S my bosses who are controlling me. I am now in control of my emotions etc. running, avoiding from ..That I deserve a pay rise but am too scared to ask

Partners: By pleasing those without getting my needs met in order to want to be loved and cared for. Victimised by all, as I allow them to use me. I did believe/blame those that they were in control of my emotions etc but now realise only I can do that. Denying that they are using me and that I need to have my needs met. Avoided the fact that they are not good for me and carried on trying when I should have quit the relationship, denying my gut feelings, avoiding the pain of a break-up, abandonment, rejection.
Something I’ve noticed... I always want what I can’t have as they are emotionally unavailable but this makes me try harder to get. I’m not interested in “nice” men as they seem boring.

My children: As they don’t do as I say/ask. Both my children victimise me as they belittle me. I did believe/blame those that they were in control of my emotions etc but now realise only I can do that. At times I have avoided them instead of confronted them with my feelings of hurt and shame. Wish they would take responsibility of there own things instead of expecting me to

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

Knowing that not everybody has to like me and what they think of me is none of my business
That I will be alone, not liked or loved

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

When I allow others to control me. When a person, place (work) or thing (exercise or food) becomes an obsession

Emotions: That I am sensitive to feelings both mine and others. Lack of boundaries. That I allow my emotions to control my behaviours instead of just feeling them, accepting them and letting them go
Finances: Are in good order, just a small amount of debt but nothing I am not dealing/coping with
Spirituality: Need more of this, would like to know how to get this?
Physical: Is ok but need to watch my eating, sometimes not sometimes too much. Lack boundaries with men to meet there needs in hope of being loved in return
Career: Lack self worth, respect. Need to love myself first to gain this back in return
Went abroad for the first time on my own.

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

Family: Things are better when I put in boundaries and think of myself before I act and what I want/need. Establishing boundaries

Friends: I have no close friends as the one I did have I realised was un-healthy as she seemed to also be using me for her benefits and was critical of what I would say or do, not supportive. Feel isolated and alone

Co-Workers: I get on very well with my co-workers and they are very supportive of me but I am also realising I must not give them advice only share from my perspective. Also watching out for the drama triangle situations that I can easily be lead into. I am practising my boundaries with them too.

Boyfriends: I am looking after myself for now as I feel less stressed and able to cope on my own. Want to make my changes before I try again

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

At present my mind feels clear, I am trying to put changes in place but know I still have a long way to go. I hold myself responsible for all, which isn’t always healthy as I have too much self blame at times

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

I resent the fact that I am poorly paid when another is paid more than me but does less work for the same job role, when I deserve better for the work I do. I have to face my boss and ask for a rise which I am scared of doing as he is intimidating. I have to work to cover my bills and fear having to change jobs as I like my workplace. My workplace traps me as I am currently doing a diploma and my work experience is beneficial to this. I want to say how un fair it is to my boss. I fear his reaction and the outcome.

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?

Finding out that I am co-dependent by my therapist and her recommendations, I was near to burnout before I began therapy, having family problems and having un-healthy relationships.
How to make the changes I am aware of in an assertive way without looking or feeling silly.
I am worried that I may fall into another un-healthy relationship, so am avoiding them for now until I feel ready again.
Two weeks ago I went on holiday on my own, to try and start to be happy without the need for others and to prove to myself I can do it
No one in my life at present but I know if I had a man this would probably be causing me stress, obsession and wish they would behave differently.

willing · Guru

Thank you for your share, New Journey. It was very brave.

Please keep coming back.

Willing

mkelley · Member

Oh my gosh I can not wait to be able to feel like this!!! I am new here lost and reading everything I can. I don't know where to start. I have no meetings in my immediate area. I guess I need a pen and paper and some alone time to get honest with myself for a start. I am looking forward to the answers I know by reading here today it is the first step. I am happy for you..

mkelley · Member

I finally finished the 8 questions. It took me 5 days a box of tissues and some really strong coffee. I am literally shaking while I type. I have realized I am a huge enabler of the worst kind. I accept so much garbage because I just want to keep those I love in my life. Wow I have made myself physically ill keeping so much inside! I am my own worst enemy. I am powerless of others and my life is entirely unmanageable!! However I think I found a tiny spark of hope with all the realization. I can change I have to or I will never find myself again. I keep burying her with all the crap I take from others. I am not a fixer like i always claimed to be I am a damager with the way I love ppl. I dont hold anyone accountable for anything they do because I dont want them to be angry or walk away.. Holy Cow I have so much bubbling up from the place i have hidden it for years that I feel I may explode.. Better start a journal. I may never write the answers here but I will say my main answer were : husband daughter mother SELF always SELF! Thanks for being here and listening.

willing · Guru

Wow, mkelley. Good job! Awareness is the first part ... then acceptance ... then action.

Be gentle with yourself. You are right, there is hope. Now you can start to live the life YOU want to live.

A journal sounds like a good idea.

Feel your feelings, but don't beat yourself up. Walk through it knowing there are better things on the other side. Just keep working.

When you are ready Step 2 is waiting. Take as much time as you wish.

Willing

mkelley · Member

Thank you Willing... Thank you for being here.

Kaye · Newbie

"When we love others too much, when we so desperately want and need what they have - whether that is acceptance, approval, love or friendship - we forfeit our ability to take care of ourselves with them, out of fear that we may not get what we need. We may hope that if we hold things in place by willpower, we will finally be safe and get what we need.

We won't."

I don't know quite how to describe how this makes me feel. I am so deeply entrenched in this way of thinking and behaving, that I can't really even see it. I feel like this fear of not having my needs met motivates everything I do. If I let go of my illusion of control, what do I have left?

My father was suicidally depressed. My mother's life was organized around my father. My parents will proudly tell people that I practically raised myself. They think that's a good thing somehow! My husband is the oldest child of an alcoholic father.

I'm just starting to learn about codependency. I'm just started to read the books.

My marriage has become unmanageable. I can say that easily. I don't think I'm ready to say that my life is unmanageble. Does any of this make sense to anyone? It doesn't really make sense to me at all yet.

fap123 · Senior Member

Looking at the problem and taking step are a first good step to change. It takes time to work through all the history in our lives to change the bad habits.

willing · Guru

Boy do I get it. The prospect of my life being unmanageable was the most difficult thing for me to overcome. Unmanageable, HA! I CONTROL EVERYTHING, nothing in my life is unmanageable.

Of course I was wrong. I might have had all of my exterior completely OVER controlled and managed, but my insides were a WRECK.

You've come to the right place. Keep reading and we would love to see posts from you about what you are learning and any questions you have.

So glad you found us! Welcome!

Willing

jimrich · Veteran Member

Step one reads, We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.

When I first came to Recovery in ACA and then CODA, I was mystified by the concept of powerlessness because, as the middle child, I never had nor ever expected to have any power at all so power was a stranger to me. My parents, older brother and just about everyone in my young life had the POWER - but not me! The issue of "power" was completely meaningless to me so I focused on other aspects of the literature that did apply to me such as "our lives had become unmanageable" which mine certainly was.

I began to notice that much of the literature did not apply to me but came to realize that the literature was limited and could not cover every single condition or survivor so I began to take what I wanted and leave the rest. There was enough material and moral support at meetings to satisfy most of my particular needs so I filled in the blanks with books, tapes and other resources which coordinated with the programs I was attending. Over time, I made each support group work in my favor to address my particular issues so the gaps in the literature did not hang me up after the first few sessions.

I came to see that the main thing was in step 3 where I surrendered my life and will to a power greater than my fragile ego/self and then things began moving along quite well. There were a few moments of my ego taking back the power but always came back to letting HP take over again. My ego became a lot stronger as Recovery progressed but I've kept in touch with my HP so that my ego won't ruin things like it did prior to Recovery.

jim

-- Edited by jimrich on Wednesday 26th of October 2016 12:56:17 AM

jimrich · Veteran Member

Toad wrote:
Mom and Dad did the best they could with what THEY had to use.
Mine sure didn't! They did the best and the worst they could with what THEY had to use. They did what they did with what they knew and sometimes it was their best but mostly it was their WORST which is why I've been in Recovery programs for many years now!
I cannot find any EXCUSES for them beyond wanting and asking for an apology - which I've never heard until after they both crossed over to the Afterlife and have apologized from there. Actually, I am satisfied that they finally admitted to being wrong and bad from the Afterlife where speaking the truth is permitted.
If it makes someone feel better to say their parents did the "best" they could, OK, but I prefer the truth now that I'm in a program that looks for the TRUTH and the truth is that my parents definitely did NOT DO the best that they could and often KNEW BETTER. They were no better than me and everyone I know and sometimes we do our best and sometimes we don't so we do not deserve to be given dishonest excuses for what we do/did.

goldie1228 · Newbie

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?

I've been trying to control my life. I try to control it but it just isn't happening.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?

work

Whom do you feel victimized by?

work

Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?

work

What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

work

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?

I make myself go to work if I didn't face it , I wouldn't do it.

What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
I wouldn't work

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability?

work

What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career?

I feel I'm made to go there. I resent it at times. I feel hopeless and helpless when I'm there.

What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

I watch tv & play with my dogs.

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.

right now I'm out of work bc of surgery so I'm good to a certain degree

Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

I have my husband.

Other than him being around I isolate myself.

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent?

no, I go through different emotion's through out the day

Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health?

I hold me , but I try to hold my husband so I can not hold myself accountable

Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

nobody.. me?

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about?

I have to go back to work

What do you feel you have to do but don't want to?

go back to work

In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options?

work

Who or what is trapping you?

life

Whom do you most want to say something to?

I don't know

Why do you feel you can't say it?

to anyone other than my husband

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group?

I'm trying to have a better life and how to go about it.

If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently?

Life , work

Who or what are you most Worried about?

work

When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself?

I'm painting my nails.

Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery?

No

Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?