From the book Codependent's Guide to the Twelve Steps by Melody Beattie.

"Oh, I've been a victim all my life," he said.  "No Joe," she said.  "Your whole life is ahead of you." - Joe versus the Volcano

Step Twelve - "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

The authors starts by telling her story of when she was still using drugs while in treatment.  Lying in the grass smoking a joint, the skies opened up to her and she had her moment of clarity.  She stopped doing drugs and began her journey of recovery.  She said that nothing has been so transforming since, but it was not complete until she started working her recovery from Codependency.

Carrying The Message

"The Twelfth Step says that after we have had our spiritual awakening from working these Steps, we try to carry this message to others.  What is our message?  One of hope, love, comfort, and health.  Better relationships and a better way of life, one that works."

It is a message of self-love and responsibility while allowing others to be responsible for themselves.  We share the message by example, living in recovery and taking care of ourselves.  It is not shared by obsessing, controlling, or being evangelists.  As codependents we can fall into old behaviors when being of service.  We can give too much, try to control or change others.  We can initiate change by changing ourselves.

"The most powerful form of helping others is helping ourselves.  When we do our own work, feel our own feelings, change our own beliefs, and take care of ourselves, when we are honest and open about who we are and what we are working on, we affect others more than by our best-intentioned helping gestures.  We can not change others, but when we change ourselves, we may end up changing the world."

Inviting someone to a meeting is a wonderful way to carry the message.  Attending meetings and sharing our Experience, Strength and Hope is another.  As we change and feel the healing available to us in recovery we may want to share it with our friends and family and drag them along.  That is something we must not do. 

Here is an excerpt from the Families Anonymous conference approved literature:

Helping

My role as helper is not to do things for the person I am trying to help, but to be things; not trying to control and change his actions, but through understanding and awareness to change my reactions. I will change my negatives to positives; fear to faith; contempt for what he may do to respect for the potential within him or her; hostility to understanding; and manipulation or over-protectiveness to release with love, not trying to make him fit a standard or image, but giving him an opportunity to pursue his own destiny, regardless of what that choice may be.

I will change my dominance to encouragement; panic to serenity; the inertia of despair to the energy of my own personal growth; and self-justification to self-understanding.

Self-pity blocks effective action. The more I indulge in it, the more I feel that the answer to my problems is a change in others and in society, not in myself. Thus, I become a hopeless case.

Exhaustion is the result when I use my energy in mulling over the past with regret, or in trying to figure ways to escape a future that has yet to arrive. Projecting an image of the future and anxiously hovering over it, for fear that it will or it won’t come true, uses all of my energy and leaves me unable to live today. Yet living today is the only way to have a life.

I will have no thought for the future actions of others, neither expecting them to be better or worse as time goes on, for in such expectations I am really trying to create. I will love and let be.

All people are always changing. If I try to judge them I do so only on what I think I know of them, failing to realize that there is much I do not know. I will give others credit for attempts at progress and for having had many victories which are unknown to me.

I too am always changing, and I can make that change a constructive one, if I am willing. I CAN CHANGE MYSELF, others I can only love.

Practicing These Principles

"What that means to many of us is learning to practice our recovery behaviors and the principles of the steps in all areas of our lives."

Some of us come into recovery for our addictions.  We may do this for another person, our spouses, or a particular area of difficulty we are having in our lives.  After time, many of us realize that we need to practice these behaviors in all areas of our lives - for ourselves, not others. 

We may learn recovery in one area of our lives at a time, but we eventually find that the principles we learn can be applied to how we interact in business, intimate, financial, friends or family - all affairs of our lives.

A Spiritual Awakening

Often times we enter recovery because of someone else and what they have done to us.  After time we find that as we grow in recovery our focus changes to ourselves - our growth, health and happiness. 

It is a process and it takes work.  We work to heal from our past and change harmful behaviors.  We start to accept ourselves and let go of the need to be perfect.  We surrender and realize that we are powerless over others and can only control, change, and be responsible for ourselves.  We will be able to let go of the guilt and shame and learn to love and care for ourselves.  We will feel safe and connected, no longer alone and suffering.  We will learn forgiveness for ourselves and others.  We will no longer be the victim.  We will be able to express our emotions in a healthy way. 

"Certainly, we begin and continue recovery by changing behaviors, paying attention to our thoughts, and dealing with our feelings.  But what we are working toward, what we are getting to, is that miraculous deep healing and change that takes place in the very core of our being."

We don't have to do this alone.  We have a guide in the Steps and our Higher Power.  We have a fellowship where we can grow by sharing our Experience, Strength & Hope.  There is no right or wrong; we all go at our own pace. 

Activities

1.  Describe your experiences in carrying the message to others.  Describe an effort that backfired or didn't work.  Describe one that you believed was successful.

2.  How have you begun to take recovery principles to areas of your life other than your primary relationships?  In what areas of your life would you like to experience healing and more growth and change?  You may want to turn these wants into written goals.

3.  How has your relationship with yourself changed since you began recovery?  How do you treat yourself differently now?  How does it feel when you treat yourself well and in a nurturing, loving manner?

4.  Describe your experiences trying to share or explain your recovery to family members.  Get feedback from someone else in recovery, someone you trust, about these experiences.

5.  How have you grown spiritually since you began recovery?  How would you describe your spiritual awakening?

6.  Have you awakened to the beautify and joy of yourself?