Co-Dependants Anonymous
Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group -> Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group -> Step One
Post Info TOPIC: Step One
willing


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1190
Date:
Step One
Permalink  
 

We did a step study here a while ago and I thought I would start it over.  You can view the original one here:

http://coda.activeboard.com/t41864110/step-study-step-1/

It is a wonderful discussion with a lot to offer.  I recommend giving it a read.

I thought I would give us a fresh start.  I am copying the original post, but I wrote it under a different username so I don't feel too guilty .  I REALLY encourage folks to look at the activities and do them or at least give them some serious thought.  I will do so as well and will gladly share my ESH.

So, want to tackle the steps?

We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.



In the book "Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps", the author Melody Beattie, begins by telling how she reacted to this step.  She didn't understand.  "Powerless over others?  My life - unmanageable?"  She thought she had complete control over herself and others and handled everything through her willpower.  It was her job.

Until she took a closer look at herself.  "I found the undercurrent of fear, anger, pain, loneliness, emptiness and unmet needs that had controlled me most of my life."

She quoted Mary who states, "Being a victim and being in control was how I was in power.  If I was powerless, then someone else was in control."

Hopefully through these steps we are going to learn how to own our power and be able to see the truth about ourselves and our relationships.

"We are powerless over others.  When we try to exert power where we have none, our lives at some level may become unmanageable."

She goes on to tell her story and gives examples of ways that others have been affected by codependency.  It doesn't have to be severe.  It doesn't have to be to the point of taking over your life to be ready for a change.  She tells stories of people who are codependent with siblings and intimate relationships.  Examples of where people let others control them, tried to control, and gave too much.

Our Lives Had Become Unmanageable

In discussing unmanageability Melody states that we do not necessarily have to be involved with or affected by someone's drinking or addiction to be codependent.  She simply states that for us, caretaking and controlling others doesn't work.  It makes our life unmanageable.  We often don't even see it.  It is an instinct, a first reaction for us with anyone and/or everyone we meet affecting any or all parts of our life.

"We may deprive ourselves so badly our martyrdom and self sacrifice create ongoing feelings of victimization.  We may allow others to victimize us; we may victimize ourselves.  We may subject ourselves unnecessarily to other people and their inappropriate, abusive, or out-of-control behaviors.  We may feel victimized by our inability to set the boundaries we need to set."

Codependency can be seen in so many different ways.  It may be our feelings that are affected - depression, fear, anger, sadness.  Or we may be so consumed by someone else that we ignore our feelings completely.  We may stay in abusive relationships or isolate to avoid further disappointment and pain.  It can happen at any time, even in recovery, when we try to control things we can't or let others control us.

"Unmanageability occurs when we stop owning our power and start believing that we do not have choices about how we want to act, regardless of what another person is or isn't doing."  

We neglect ourselves and now it is time to learn to take care of ourselves.

The Roots of Control

But where does the need to control come from?  Melody sites several cases that show many of us learn controlling behavior in childhood. She gives examples of children being put in the position of caretaker for their parents - controlling or taking care of out of control and/or irresponsible parents.  Sometimes is it more subtle, parents who are not emotionally available for their children nor let their children experience or express their own emotions.  Then those who have suffered these situations state how they realize after starting recovery their need to control was based on fear or anger.  It was the undercurrent of everything they did.  

Step 1 gives us permission to take care of ourselves.  To relax and stop controlling others.  If we are focused on controlling others, we are not controlling ourselves and leave ourselves open for others to do just that ... control us.

"When we love others too much, when we so desperately want and need what they have - whether that is acceptance, approval, love or friendship - we forfeit our ability to take care of ourselves with them, out of fear that we may not get what we need.  We may hope that if we hold things in place by willpower, we will finally be safe and get what we need.

We won't."

Accepting Powerlessness

Some are ready to accept this step when the enter the program, they are tired and ready to give up.  Others fight this step, not willing to let go of the control and surrender, overcome by fear.  She explains how it can be uncomfortable for her to give up control, admit she is powerless over much of her life, sometimes even herself.  When she tries to control herself, repressing her feelings, she looses a part of herself.

She explains how Step 1 is not about irresponsibility, in fact it is the opposite.  It is about claiming responsibility for ourselves and letting others be responsible for their own lives.  It is about facing our own fears, meeting our own needs, setting our own boundaries to protect ourselves.  It is about not being a victim.

"When we accept powerlessness, we will become empowered to take care of ourselves.  When we begin taking care of ourselves, we will begin living our lives, and all that is meant to come to us will be ours.  When we stop controlling others, we can allow and trust them to live their lives."

The Detachment Step

Step 1 lets us start learning to detach and become aware of our willpower.  We start to identify boundaries, limits, and what is our responsibility and what is not.  This step is often met with fear, becoming aware of those things we can not control, but we need to accept it and move forward.  We will surrender when we are ready, when we are tired of fighting battles we can not win.

"We are powerless over others, and our lives have become unmanageable.  And for now, that's all we need to be.  That's who we are, and it's good enough."

We start our recovery by taking this step and can return to it at any time, whenever we feel our codependent behaviors returning.  The steps starts with the word we and that helps us remember we are not alone.  We are not the only ones who feel this way and we can find the solution together.  She explains how her controlling behaviors, in all their different forms, is like a dark place and this step brings it out into the light.  


Activities

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy? 



__________________

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Miao


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 741
Date:
Permalink  
 

Great Idea Willing! This will be extremely useful to all of us to revisit and reapply the steps to see " how we're doin" ........Thanks!!!

__________________
Miao


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 741
Date:
Permalink  
 

I went to read the very insightful past discussions on this subject and would like to add some of my observations about this step in particular.
It has been very easy for me to let go of controlling people after I understood why the dynamics has never worked in the past and never will I the future.

The old paradigm I lived by went like this: I am needy, wounded and I am looking for someone to love me and make me feel better. The relationship will heal and bring what's missing. I usually picked people needing some sort of rescuing themselves, and that made me feel safe, if they need me they won't leave me. So I will love you, you will love me and the relationship will heal both of us. Of course this failed every time and my EX's have failed as well at their other attempts.
The new paradigm goes like this: two needy, wounded people are incapable of loving anyone else including themselves and this is the reason why the relationships have equally failed. Therefore trying to control them through rescuing attempts is useless, better yet is to learn to LOVE ONE's SELF so I will be in a better position to really love someone else and hopefully if my next lover turns out to be abusive and toxic I will cut my losses early instead of trying to change and control the other person behavior.

Now I have to add that I have not put this theory to the test yet with intimate relationships, but it has prevented me from engaging with a few prospects that had " personality disorder" written all over them.

I can say with certainty that the best way to stop controlling someone is to choose wisely and not try to change stuff we hate about them later on, or make them fit in the picture we have already hanging on the wall of what the relationship should be about.

When we learn to truly love and take care of ourselves, controlling others seems like madness, a terrible disease.

Sent from my biggest attachment: my Ipad
Infatuation isn't about falling in love with someone else... it's about falling in love with You, under the adoring gaze of another.



-- Edited by Miao on Tuesday 5th of February 2013 01:13:34 PM

__________________
willing


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1190
Date:
Permalink  
 

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?

The acceptance that people are who they are and I have no control over them has been a HUGE improvement in my life.  I had a hard time reconciling that with how I let people treat me.  If I have no control over them, how do I stop them from hurting me?  It's called boundaries.  They are fantastic.  I am also better at identifying behaviors I do not want in my life and quietly backing away from those people before they get too entrenched in my life.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

My work causes me stress.  I have to constantly remind myself how fortunate I am and that it really isn't that difficult.  I also have to remind myself that I am overworked because I took too much on.  If things don't get done or done properly there is no reason that I have to save the day.  I have asked for change and it is not forthcoming so now I have to decide if I can settle for the way they are or make changes.  All I know is that it is all on me.  My feelings around it, how much I put into it, and the victim/martyr that I sometimes play ... all me.  It is like standing there with a whip beating myself and expecting someone else to stop me.

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

I had to face myself.  I had to learn to control myself and not blame others for the predicaments I was in.  It sounds daunting, but it is truly the easier way to live.

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

The thing that spins out of control for me is worrying about what is coming.  Examples ...  My daughter was moving out.  For months my heart ached and I cried.  The first night was hell, the second night was better, and by the third I was fine.  For MONTHS I worried about the upcoming pain and caused myself WAY more than necessary.  I do the same thing with public speaking.  I had to speak in front of two crowds this week, both with almost 200 people.  I was terrified.  For the weak prior I was just spun out to the point of feeling it physically.  I did it.  It was fine.  I am recognizing this and addressing it.  It is the top on my "Willing To-Do List".  It has to stop and only I can stop it.

As for the rest, emotions, finance and so on.  I am doing great.  Life is really, really good.  No big changes, just little bits at a time.  Before I know it the credit card is paid off.  Little changes in diet and exercise and I am feeling great.  I have earned a great reputation in my career and the bad parts, as mentioned above, really aren't that bad and are self inflicted.  This all took effort.  I have lived in my car.  I have lived in a decaying, single-wide mobile home not paying my bills so I could feed my kid ramen and get the childcare paid for.  I never stopped.  I will never stop.  I remember someone saying "You are just lucky".  NOPE.  I have worked for every single wonderful thing in my life and I will not quit working to maintain it and continue to improve it.  And believe me.  If this 20 year old high school graduate using drugs and partying instead of being responsible, who got knocked up by someone who never showed up again, can do it literally One Day at a Time ... anyone can.  As for enjoyment, I am constantly doing things I love but keep in mind that they need to be earned.  I can't put the things I love in a position in my life that sacrifices my over all well-being.  So far, it is working out splendidly.  Today I am going with a friend into the mountains to do some photography.  One of my favorite things!

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

Absolutely fantastic!  I couldn't be happier.  There is no drama and I am closer to all of them than I ever have been.  My relationships truly changed once I accepted them for who they were and let go of the guilt and shame about not meeting every single expectation they have - when I also accepted myself and learned the word no.

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

ME ME ME!!!  It seems that it would be adding to the stress and responsibility in life to take control of myself.  It doesn't!  It is absolutely freeing!  To realize that I am in control of myself and don't have to be passive aggressive with others, manipulate to get what I want and HOPE it turns out the way I want!?!  I can just be honest and make things what I want them to be and walk away from the things I don't.  It truly is so simple.  I am learning to ask for help and find I get it most of the time.  The thing that makes it amazing is I completely trust myself and know that regardless of what anyone else does - I have my back.

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

Work.  I average about 60 hours a week.  It is 9am on Saturday morning and I have already sat down and worked for a couple of hours.  I am here taking a break.  I need to reign this in.  I get resentful at others in my organization about it, but after I have my little pity party realize it is what it is and I have a HUGE responsibility for it.  It won't change until I decide to change it.  There is ALWAYS an option.  It will remain to be the most frustrating part of my life as long as I let it.  And for now, that is ok.

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?

My toxic relationship.  I had other bad relationships, but none of them were volatile or abusive.  None of them included infidelity, lying, stalking, snooping, and obsessing.  They just died out because they didn't work.  The toxic relationship was every hurtful thing from my childhood wrapped up in one person.  For some reason I felt I had to save it.  My sober ex said I needed to get into recovery so we could speak the same language, so I did.  When the transition happened from saving the relationship to saving myself - the miracle began.  As for the rest, no one is making me miserable and I love and nurture myself often.  There is not a single person in my life that I want to change except for myself.  I love myself as I am, truly, but I know there will always be room for more awareness and growth and I will never stop making those efforts.  I get lost sometimes.  I experience fear, sadness, loneliness, anger - but I don't let them consume me or define who I am or how I will live my life.  I walk through them now.  Life is amazing.



-- Edited by willing on Saturday 16th of February 2013 09:20:18 AM

__________________

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
4bidden_whisperz


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 39
Date:
Permalink  
 

"To realize that I am in control of myself and don't have to be passive aggressive with others, manipulate to get what I want and HOPE it turns out the way I want!?!  I can just be honest and make things what I want them to be and walk away from the things I don't.  It truly is so simple"

Just hearing this from someone who has been where I am right now gives me hope. Thank you so much!



__________________
Blessed be
4bidden_whisperz


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 39
Date:
RE: Step One- help!
Permalink  
 

I am wondering now if I will ever even get past the first step. I realized yesterday while I was journaling that I look at others in terms of what they can do for me. I don't like to admit that and I certainly don't want to be that way , so am searching for help in changing that. I suposse it's based on my feeling of inadequacy- feeling I can' take care of myself, so I need others to do it. For example, if Im really honest with myself it's not the rides or the help my bf gives to me that has me delaying the inevitable but it's something else that I think he can do for me; make me feel like I am worthy to be loved. Of course, being lied to and cheated on doesn't make me feel loved, and I am smack dab in the midst of accept I can't change or control his behavior, so . . . well I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place with nowhere to turn. As I change the old pattern of controlling behavior what is the new pattern I should adopt?



__________________
Blessed be
willing


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1190
Date:
RE: Step One
Permalink  
 

Bump for KarmaDog.

 

Welcome!!!!



__________________

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Wen


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 1
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hello this is my first time to this site. Happy you put this up so I can see it. My life is way messed up at the present. My husband is in a treatment program as we speak. 2nd time in fact. We have been married for 15 years. When we married I was young and dumb. Thought I could help him. Thought if I loved him enough and treated him good he would be better. Wrong. That didn't work at all. It has only got worse and worse. I have tried everything. Nothing worked. Now I have decided there is not one thing I can do to help him. I have finally learned that I can not change people. I have came to this point a few years back but I still tried to tell him what to do for the sake of our children. That did not help either. So here I am on this site not having a clue how to go forward in my life. I feel stuck cause in the past when I was trying to make everything better I always had a plan. Now that I have decided there is nothing I can do to help him and I have no plan on how to try and fix this messed up marriage. I feel so lost cause I feel safer with a plan cause I feel like I am trying to do something. With out the plan I feel useless and sad and scared. I rarely do anything for myself. When I do I feel guilty. I have been in this dysfunction for so long I fear I do not know how to change. I know I need to but knowing how to get there is a problem. I pray all day long and have for years and have also decided that the Lord can not fix this for me by his self. He needs me to figure it out. I have been trying to figure this mess out for so many years that I am wore out. Some times I just wish I could turn my mind off. LOL But he is in rehab cause I finally put my foot down and threw him out and told him no more and I meant it this time so he went to rehab. When he got out I took him back. He starting using again I threw him out again. Back to rehab he went. This time without me telling him he needed to go because at this point I didn't care if he went or not. Now I feel this relationship is over but I feel bad about leaving him because he is in treatment and don't want my actions to affect him. Which is so crazy because he never cared how his addition affected us. I don't know but I am glad I found this first step now I see I have so much work to do on me. Thanks and sorry for dumping on anyone who reads this. I hardly ever share my feeling because I just hate making others feel bad for me. I go around for the most part telling everyone I am good. When I know that's not true and most of them may know to. I hide all this junk for years until it was so bad there was no more hiding. I am exposed. 



__________________
willing


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1190
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hello Wen,

Welcome to MIP!  So glad you found us.  Sorry for the delay, it has been slow here as of late.  What an honest, heart-felt share.  Thank you.  I believe you have found the right place and no better post to start with than Step 1.  Have you looked for an Al-Anon or CoDA meeting in your area?  Google is pretty good at helping you find what you need locally.  I don't know if you have any experience with 12 step programs, but most are pretty nervous about their first meeting.  I encourage you to go and look back on mine with a warm heart.  It was better than I ever expected.

I have had the feelings you expressed here and working a 12 step program was such a life-changer for me.  In fact, I was talking to someone recently who's life is just falling apart and while I felt sorry that they were going through what they were I also felt such hope for them because they were on the brink of starting a program of recovery.

I say this because my life fell apart and I worked the steps and my life is now better than it has ever been.  I am actually grateful for all the stuff I had to go through to get here.  Never thought that would happen.  I thought the bad stuff would always be "bad stuff" that I carried around, but now I simply see it as the catalyst that made my life what it is today.  I wouldn't be here if I hadn't gone through it.

It sounds like you have a good belief in God, which I believe will make this a bit easier for you.  I am agnostic and it took me a little bit of time to comes to grips with the "God" / HP portion of the 12 steps - but now I fully believe in my HP, which still isn't "God" as most understand him, but it works for me.

I will bump step 2 for you and hope you keep coming back and sharing with us.

It may all seem so difficult, but One Day at a Time it can get better.

Willing



__________________

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
willing


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1190
Date:
Permalink  
 

Bump for Doodles.  This has an older thread as well from when I first posted it that you can read.



__________________

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
fap123


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 259
Date:
Permalink  
 

I like these questions better than the other step work book I have been working through. So I figured I would answer these as well, can't hurt.

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?

I have been controlling my GF and relationships my hole life and have just now come to the understanding through learning about Codependency and getting into a CODA group. I definitely fit the typical rescuer profile in the relationship, and now see how its was like trying to sweep out a rising tide.



2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

 

My GF was the main cause of stress, along with the drama of her friends and a guy she brought into the mix.

I feel victimized by my GF, and her drama friends and the new guy. He stepped in as my replacement.

I feel my emotions are controlling me as I let myself fall sometimes back into a victim role, because I feel like my GF did this or that in the relationship, that caused it to end as badly as it did. Also my work is controlling me as I am a workaholic.

The situations I been running from are, Putting myself in situations where my emotions will be exposed in a discussion. Like at a Coda meeting. I HATE the feeling when I cry, I look, sound and become out of control to the point I feel embarrassed about it. I see others share and they might tear up, but are able to continue to share there story. NOT ME. I have yet to share in a large group meeting and I've been going for 9 months now. 

 



3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

I would have to face myself.

Looks like it will be a pretty boring life to me at this point

 



4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

All of them listed, However because I am out of the relationship now, I'm getting better in the financial, and some healing in the emotional areas of my life. I still am a slave to my business and see no way out at this point short of winning the lotto.

For fun it is very basic stuff and controlled by the ring of a phone that will send me out to work. Pretty sad I know.

 



5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

 

My relationship with family is good with one sister as I talk to her by phone every week. My older brother just once in a while. I talk with one friend that I know from a job location but we only talk on the phone. For the most part I have no real close friends.

 



6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

 

My mind seems to drift in and out of the fog on relationship issues. I never developed that skill as a kid in school. At this time I hold myself responsible for my emotional state. I use to blame MY ex GF. But I see my self serving agendas in the relationship as well. With these co dependent patterns in my life any relationship would have failed. My financial and health were all on me.

 



7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

 

Staying in the same work mode of not going on vacations because I want to have x number of dollars to retire. In the mean time. I carry a phone, even on short weekend trips, and will come back to go on the job, should I get called in for work. 

I feel I need to open up in a group share. But I'm scared I'll cry not be able to put a sentence together. Feel as I'm not important enough to be heard.

In my work/job life I see no options for me but to continue doing what I'm doing. I want the future to be so I can relax a little bit in my retirement years and so see my over work now as needed. Even though my relationship with my children are passing by now.

My work is trapping me. Myself, My want for financial security, A few particular accounts that require 24 hour service.

I don't know. I asked for forgiveness from my ex GF and Forgave her as best as I was able at the time. Sometimes I get into that loop type thinking and blame her but catch myself. And let it go.

 



8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy? 

 

A therapist recommended that I go after I was beside myself after my relationship ended.

Right now sharing in the group trying to get over that fear. Making friends with others that understand what I feel. Dating, What to do about my workaholic type issue.

I'm most worried about the damage of me continuing to work and how it will effect my kids myself, and any future relationship.

l Got a hair cut this week. Went for a walk in a park.

Right now I have no one in my life who is close that has any influence on me. Other than myself who is angry that it took me half of my life to discover I had codependency issue



__________________
willing


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1190
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hello fap123,

Welcome to MIP!  I am so glad you found us.  Thank you SO MUCH for your share and honesty.  I want to share a story.

I ended up in CoDA through the doors of AA then Al-Anon.  I was in an extremely toxic relationship with an off-and-on sober alcoholic and to deal with it I just stayed drunk too.  Right about the time I decided to get sober (he told me I was an alcoholic) I found out I was pregnant.  The ex came over, we made plans, we seemed to be happy about the baby - which was funny because we were broken up when I told him and this just put us right back "on".  Then I miscarried and he took off in the middle of it and then sent me a REALLY nasty email saying some of the most disgusting things I have ever received.  Didn't make for a good day - so guess what?  I had a few drinks.  Well, only 2 - but the fact I fell off the wagon so quickly filled me with guilt and shame.  

So even a few days into AA I could hear their voices "Get to a meeting".  So the next day I did just that.  I went to the very next meeting which was at a women's group home.  I was REALLY scared, very uncomfortable, and felt very out of place.  I was the only attendee not staying in the establishment and everyone new and lived with everyone else.  And the woman in front of me had a newborn in her lap.

I thought I was going to die.  But I knew if I didn't stay, I might truly die, so I kept my butt in that chair.  I didn't share, I was very new to AA with only a couple of meetings, so that wasn't my goal, but I sat there and I swear every word of what the speaker said was EXACTLY what I needed to hear.  My face started to quiver and soon I couldn't help it, I sat there and cried - from the bottom of my soul the tears flowed and it was so complete that I didn't care who saw, my sorrow was overflowing, I could no longer keep it contained.  I didn't disturb the meeting, but everyone in the room felt me.  And everyone in the room loved me and accepted my tears.

We all understand.  I am not a person who cries.  I am the "stoic" one, but there are times that you just NEED to cry and in situations like our fellowship, our meetings ... we are with people who understand.  

There is a sense of learning from situations like that for me.  There is a connectedness on such a human level.  I don't run around and cry at meetings, but if I do it is because I need to.  My body and soul are full of the pain and sorrow they carry and they need to let it out.

Again, thank you so much for being here.  Please keep coming back.

Willing

 



-- Edited by willing on Friday 16th of May 2014 03:48:02 PM

__________________

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
fap123


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 259
Date:
Permalink  
 

Thanks for your sharing some of your life experience.

I recall when I started going to Coda about 9 month ago. I wanted to get cured fast of this codependence problem. So after a few weeks. I would volunteer to read the steps or the welcome, or one of the handout they start every meeting with. Well I was still very raw with emotion from the recent break-up with the GF. I thought I had my emotions under control and in check. Well after hearing someone share, it stirred some emotional feeling up in me, but I kept my emotions under control. Then as the meeting was coming to a close. Lucky me had picked the promises as the handout to read. I started reading the first promise and knew I was not going to make it through the rest. I said I can't read this and handed it to the person next to me. And broke down in tears. I left quickly, and some guy followed me out but I did not want to talk as I was still new to the group. But I have been continuing to go 2 times each week.

I'm just so shy and socially and emotionally un-skilled socially and relationship wise. If I start to tear up I'm done, I shut down.

I have spend hours before a meeting the last few weeks reading the book we use in the meetings. I pre-reading the material and practice what I might say into a recorder to practice what I might share about my self from the reading. But when I'm in that room, a wall goes up 100 feet around me an I say nothing. This FEAR has me, as it's whipping boy for sure.
Everyone is being patient with me in the group, but some have asked why I don't share. I tell them I see no value in me so I feel no value in anything I would share. Value-less.

I have even led a group meeting one or two times. Not by volunteering on my own, but by someone kind of tricking me into it, and I went along. I somehow made it through. I need to get over this fear.

Where is everyone on here gone to?

__________________
inapickle


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 4
Date:
Permalink  
 

I think I've read every word on this message board at least ten times in the last month. I guess they are called activities because the require action, this must be my time for action.

Activities

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?

Yes! Yes!

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

My SO/ex/sons father(all one person) and my son. My SO and my son. My SO and my son. I'm avoiding admitting that he is using me, I don't know how he really feels about me, I think he is just going to end up breaking my heart again. My son is 17 and he has zero respect for me. He won't take no for an answer.

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

My life isn't working. I have no job, no money, no friends. What the f@%k was I thinking getting involved with him again?

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

All areas. Everything is a mess.

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

Other than my son and his father my relationships are fine I just don't have very many of them. Sometimes I feel alone but I think I like it.

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

Clear and consistent? No, consistently jumbled! I keep blaming them both but I know it's me.

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

I am resentful for always picking up the slack when his dad is being irresponsible.I feel like I always have to make excuses for him. I feel like I have no choices or say when it comes to the two of them. I feel trapped between them. I want to scream and cry at them. Throw things at them. I want to say something to both of them. I feel like I will look like and sound like a bad mom even though most of it is directed at his dad. That he won't want to do things with me anymore even though we aren't really in a relationship. I've loved him over half of my life.

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?

It wasn't one incident, more like a series of events. I've been in counseling for five months and for the last two I can see old habits returning. I can see things starting to spiral or circle the drain if you will. He was a dry drunk and at an arms length for the past seven years. He may as well have been drinking but he wasn't in my orbit too much so I pretended not to care. It has ruined our son. I should hate him. I probably do but my codependency warps it into some sick perverted love game. It all changed about a year ago. HIS house of cards fell. He finally started going to meetings and something felt like it was pulling us to each other.  Things were amazing.  I had never felt more aware of myself.  I felt like I was living in the moment and totally present.  I had never felt that from him either.  He seemed present and authentic.  Then there was a week in January that he missed some meetings and it was like we were 14 years in the past.  Aloof, sarcastic, critical.  He doesn't even have to take a drink, all he has to do is miss a meeting.  Our communication was so spot on that a five minute conversation was all it took.  He even thanked me for being there and speaking up.  Things were going good.  About two months ago,  he moves, only a few blocks but still a big change along with everything else going on in his life lately(A cheating alcoholic wife that is divorcing him-he cheated on me with her 14 years ago.)  But since the day he moved he has maybe gone to maybe five or six meetings.  He used to go everyday!  He spends a lot of time with his new neighbors.  I know I should be happy for him that he is making new friends but I feel kind of used and jealous at the same time.  He could at least invite me to hang out with them.  Then last night!  I saw him hanging out with the neighbors female friend.  She is housesitting for them.  He said nothing is going on, the kids, blah blah blah.  I honestly think I believe him.  He's got me so twisted.  I have twisted myself around him.I have been doing so good lately.  It just seems like once a week I have a weird jealous freakout.  It's embarrassing.  I feel it as soon as it's happening but it just slips out.  I have been taking care of me.  I have been working on myself.  But every once in a while I get a bug up my butt and there I go.  He tells me I'm acting weird, I tell him I'm working on it, what I'm feeling and why, then we move on till the next time a week ten days maybe more.  It has to stop.  At least he hasn't cut and run yet.  Maybe I don't give him enough credit.  Maybe I don't give either of us enough credit.  He's as codependent as I am.  I know it's a process and just because I finished reading the book doesn't mean I'm fixed.  I digress, do I fell if he behaved differently I would be happy?  Maybe, I wish he would start attending his meetings again.  He has gone two days in a row now.  I do know that I would be happy if I were behaving differently.



__________________
Elizabeth


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 6
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hello, All,

Thank you for posting this as it will be very helpful for many, myself included. I have been to my first four Al-Anon meetings in the last two weeks and will continue to go. I have learned I am definitely codependent and need to do a lot of work on myself. My alcoholic husband and I are in the midst of the biggest crisis in our lives. He recently had an appendectomy which led to an infection that nearly killed him. He was in the ICU for over two weeks and had to be airlifted to a major trauma center so he could live. During his stay in the hospital, we learned he has end stage liver disease. I think he would have fared better with the infection if the liver wasn't in such bad shape. He has made a strong recovery and we are now back home picking up the pieces. We currently have debt that has been slightly manageable but once the medical bills start coming in, even with two insurance plans, the debt will grow and become unbearable.

I blame him for so much yet I know I am at fault, too. I have been a student for the past year and he is now unable to work. I am filling out disability forms and taking care of everything on the home front while he recovers. Thankfully, we do not have children together. In fact, I have been wanting to leave him for several years but my codependency has kept me in the marriage, thinking I was helping him by taking care of his every need. We both agree we should have never gotten married ten years ago but those things sometimes happen when you get two codependent people together.

I am so thankful I found this forum last night while I was unable to sleep as it has helped me to try and keep some perspective and have a little hope. I am also thankful I am going to Al-anon meetings and only wish I would have started sooner. I have been wanting to work on myself and these questions listed are just what I need to work through my shortcomings and not just read about them.

Thank you for being here.

Elizabeth

__________________
Elizabeth
willing


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1190
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hello Inapickle,

So glad you found us, welcome!  Thank you so much for your honest, vulnerable share.  You are in good company.

The thoughts that went through my mind as I read your share was that I remember waiting for those moments when I would get along with my partner, those loving moments that I wanted to be a majority of our relationship, not the extreme minority.  Those moments of peace and comfort.  I remember how badly I wanted them, how hard I worked for them and thought that those were my only "moments" of happiness I was going to get and my happiness depended on him.

The absolutely lovely thing in recovery is I found that peace inside myself.  I slip, fall, get out of balance but I always know where to go to get back to that place of peace and love within myself.  I just have to do the right things and take care of myself.  That doesn't mean that I don't enjoy my current relationship or find peace in it, it just means that I will always have the ability to find it within myself, and that underlying everything in my life I depend on no one else for that any longer.  There is security in that ... not waiting or wanting someone else to make me happy and make me feel worthy.  No "If only they would ..."

It is possible.  I didn't think it was when I first arrived in recovery, but with effort and a little progress each day changing my behaviors and responses to things it slowly but surely came to fruition.

Please keep coming back.

Willing



__________________

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
willing


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1190
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hello Elizabeth,

Welcome!  So glad you found us.  Wow, you have a lot going on.  Glad to hear things are settling down and your husband is healing.  Even more glad to hear you have found recovery and working on yourself.  I like your attitude of acceptance, that was something difficult for me to find for a long time.  I wanted to fight everything and have it go my way, but things are what they are and I had to learn to let people be who they are and accept myself as well.

I hope you keep coming back and sharing your journey ... and your hope.

Willing



__________________

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Elizabeth


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 6
Date:
Permalink  
 

Thank you for the kind words and acceptance, Willing. Right now it is easy to accept that I am codependent and have work to do but actually following that up with action will be the difficult part. I hope to have the endurance to get to where I want to be. This forum will help a lot.

__________________
Elizabeth
Elizabeth


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 6
Date:
Permalink  
 

Here are my answers to the activity questions. Thank you for getting me to put my thoughts down and not just allow them to be thoughts. I did this a week ago and things have improved since then but it is nice to have a record of how I was feeling at the time and continue to feel at times.

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?

Yes. My need for control has been brought to the forefront in the last few months. I have felt the need to control my fellow students and the care my husband received while in the hospital. I have noticed that I get upset when people don’t respond the way I want them to. I become judgmental when I see someone doing something I don’t approve of or think is detrimental to their well-being. Why does it matter to me so much?

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

Right now everything is making me feel a little crazy and feel stress. This list includes my husband, our dogs, the amount of work around the house that needs to be done to put it on the market, the amount of paperwork I have to fill out for my husband’s retirement process, the amount of work I need to do on myself to become a better, more well-adjusted person, and the fact that I need a job and some income. I’m also stressing about past mistakes and the amount of guilt I carry for various reasons. Most of these items represent a situation I have been running from, to a certain degree, throughout the last several years.

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

I’m not quite sure what I would have to face if I stopped trying to control someone or something at this point. If I stopped allowing my husband to control the way I think I should feel and act then I wouldn’t worry about what his mood will be like when I come home or make a change in plans that he wasn’t anticipating.

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

Emotions: up and down as the day goes on. I start off worried and a little panicky and as the day goes on and I accomplish items on my to do list, my mood and confidence both improve. Finances: finances are in turmoil. Spirituality: this has never been a strong suit for me but it is something I’m open to pursuing. Physical health: improving but mainly because I lost a lot of weight through a very stressful situation recently and depression. Career: I am trying to develop my career by going to school but I don’t know if I’ll be able to complete my degree considering our present circumstances.

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

Although I do have relationships with the different people, I feel alone and isolated because that is what I have done to myself. When I have trouble coping, I slink back into myself and the safe zone I have created in order to buffer myself from reality. I slowly emerge to then clean up the mess. This is a cycle that I continually repeat.

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

My mind rarely feels clear and consistent. Once I get that feeling, I tend to rest on my laurels and then things become messy. I hold myself and my husband responsible for our finances and I hold myself responsible for the state of my relationships. I must be honest and say that I hold my husband responsible for some of my isolation. He has isolated us from family and friends although I have gone along with it so, ultimately, I am to blame for my own actions.

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

Everything is centered around our current situation and my resentment toward my husband. It isn't completely fair because we are in his together. He is recovering from a terrible medical crisis and I have anger toward him because he can't help more.

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?

I started attending Al-Anon the next night after returning from Washington where my husband was hospitalized following an infection and a diagnosis of end stage liver disease. As it turns out, his liver may not be as bad as we thought and we'll find out more at a follow up appointment at the end of July. The issue that has really gotten my attention since I started attending and reading more is the realization that I'm co-dependent and have a victim mentality. I am worried about my/our future and really want to extract myself from the situation because I have stayed in it for the wrong reasons and don't foresee any improvement. My happiness will only come from changes I make in myself.


__________________
Elizabeth
NeedingMee


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 2
Date:
Permalink  
 

She tells stories of people who are codependent with siblings .. even their own children as was my own situation .. their feelings depended on me .. i failed every time to make them happy ..

parents who are not emotionally available for their children nor let their children experience or express their own emotions; I was Never allowed to express emotions.


Activities

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results? Yes, Even myself.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding? I feel out of control; i feel controlled by my emotions of fear worry obsession anger chaos, etc .. I feel like I am the one victimizing me/making choices i don't really want to do.

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you? I would have to face my unemployment; I would have to face my lack of Real relationships; I would have face my pain and isolation; I would have to face my lack of choices in my life; I would need to face my fear.

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment? My life is Entirely unmanageable. I have no career; not doing the things i want to do for my spiritual health; my finances are in the hole; and my physical health is depleting. I feel Desperate for Something else to come and take it away.

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated? I Feel Extremely alone and isolated. I am out of a long term relationship with no friends after the math or at least very few Real friends. I have no close family members; I feel incredibly lost. Around others or not; i feel very Alone.

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships? My mind is on overload and hurts really. I hold my family responsible for my emotions i believe; my finances; and another in the past in my life for my health. Anyone other than me. I believe I can't change things sometimes.

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it? I feel most resentful about my own compulsive behaviors. I feel I have to work but don't want to Only because the stress and groups are a trigger. very painful; sometimes I Feel paralyzed. I feel my past is trapping me; I most want to say something to my siblings but I can't because I feel they can't hear it; they reject it; noone expresses emotions much;

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy? A relationship; stayed for me. Most recently, the issue plaguing me is money; work; smoking. I most worry about my child; i am a single mom. I feel my family has caused me much misery; another and myself. I believe if they acted differently it would help.

__________________
cheri88


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 1
Date:
Permalink  
 

Activities


1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?

I have been trying for years to control my husbands drug addiction.  I thought that if he loved me enough he would stop using and choose me over the drugs.  He would stop for me. 

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

 

What is causing me the most stress right now is that his last 7 weeks in the hospital were a result of his selfish decision to shoot up. I begged him not to but he did anyway. Told me he wouldnt do it if he didnt think it was safe now he has osteomyelitis as a result and could have died not to mention that everything has been put on me work kids bills stress sleepless nights while he cant do anything because of this illness.makes me angry...not fair

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

I will be faced with alot of resistance if I begin practicing recovery behaviorsi

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

I feel that every area of my life is crazy and chaotic.  I often feel out of control and angry.  I am often depressed and detached

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

 

I dont have many relationships aI am a loner.  My husband is my number one relationship and I am often angry as these feelings keep coming up 

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

I am not at all clear or consistent right now

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

I am resentful for having to go through all this.  I resent the amount of time he gets to rest whileI am working my ass of. I resent him wanting me to take care of him when he caused this. I resent his ass of a sistet who gave him the damn pills and did it with. I resent him allowing her to be in our life even though she does nothing but berate me put me down. I resent the fsct that she wants to be number one in his life and knows just what to say to make him come running. I resrnt that she has any involvement in our life. I dont feel I have any choices here because he wants her in his life although I have told her I dont want anything to do with her and wont even answer phone if she calls.I dont have any hoice in everything I have to do everday cuz hes not here to help. I hate this whole situation and addiction..hate it. I cant say anything becuz he gets angry and hollers and says he cant believe I am bringing it up when hes in hispitali

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy? 

This situation made me realizeI need to take care of me and I want to learn to stop being codependent.  I am doing aca work also.

 



__________________
Nalia Ellen Grace


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 27
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hi. I decided to work the steps with y'all!! Glad you are doing it again now that I joined. I worked through the green CoDa workbook once, my first year in  CoDA...two years ago....Glad to do it again. 

I'll just do one question at a time, per day or so. Then I am going to try to read other shares too. 

Am I trying to control anyone? I think that trying to get others to understand me....trying to get unconditional love from various people...in my case, that was a controlling action. I just wrote a whole bunch of stuff about my past and now I realize....I want to work on my present. So in the present, I want to have equal friends. And Im not sure how to do it yet, and I still try to control...by either trying to get people to listen to me and KNOW me and sort of trying to enmesh with them, or by letting them control me, sort of becoming their pet. I seem to have a hard time with the happy medium, where no one controls anyone else. Im having a hard time letting go of this one program friend right now. I feel she is annoyed with me and doesn't respect my recovery....or me as a person...but somehow, I feel trapped like I have to keep calling her and talking to her. I think she thinks Im sort of a sponsee....but we never had that agreement. So now....Im thinking I can just gradually fade away. Im scared of just saying, "I don't like this relationship anymore". So Im trying to just let go of it, I am trying to be nice, but just not share much with her, and let it fade. That seems easy enough, but for some reason, I am afraid of it, that something will go wrong. She reminds me of my Mom, I think. So....YES! I try to let go of my Mom but she keeps calling me and then she wants me to tell her my personal stuff and then if I tell her very much, there is always a jab, some unsolicited advice, or some condescending or scolding message. That's how this "friend" has gotten to be. 

I am powerless over the wishes of others in relation to me. I can't control them. But I can use better boundaries. I just have lots of fear around this.....Im powerless over my fear. I fear the person will get angry at me for trying to set healthy boundaries. They will say I don't love them, they will say, "after all I have done for you, this is the thanks I get?" And then I'll have to continue on with them.....

So Im powerless over others. 

Yes, I'd like to control all of those who remind me of  my Dad too....so quiet and passive and passive/aggressive. ugh. I wish they'd stop. Im powerless over how they irk me!!!!

And I'd like to control all of those who remind me of my old, abusive violin teacher. I would like an apology. I would like them to change and be truly loving instead of fake loving. I wish they would get into recovery and then NEVER EVER abuse anyone again....and yes, I'd like to control them, and not be injured. I'd like not to have so much trauma around playing violin. I wish I could just play it and be happy and not afraid or sick feeling. But Im powerless over that. 

There are lots of people I have been trying to control. And my son, too...he's growing up. I want him to know I love him. Not sure how to show that. Here I am typing. That is probably not the way. But what is it? I am powerless over him growing up. I am powerless over the fact that I have a disease and I need to recover and I need this website. 

Thats all for now.

Thanks for listening.

N.



__________________
Nancy Anne Brown
Nalia Ellen Grace


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 27
Date:
Permalink  
 

Things Im trying to avoid: I realize that I really try to avoid the realities of my life...Like I need to figure out another way to earn $. I also have to face that I need to work on taking care of our house better, house and yard. And then....what other realities...that maybe my husband has alzheimer's disease. That s pretty scary. I don't like to think about that. I was depending on him but I have to face that maybe I have to be the strong one in lots of ways...I really, really need to get strong. I don't think I can and Im scared, we have a child to raise...I don't know if I can do that and take care of someone who is slowly dying in this sad way....So I wish to avoid it. I think sometimes I try to avoid it by thinking that if I read enough self help books or "work my program" hard enough, it will go away. But it won't. I have some tough choices to face and lots of real work to do, out there in the world, physically DOING things....And I have to get so much  more organized....and Im still depressed, have PTSD, maybe I need antidepressants. There is a lot of stuff to face. I wish to escape...but know that's not the way,...so am just in limbo. 

Thanks for listening.

N.



__________________
Nancy Anne Brown
Nalia Ellen Grace


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 27
Date:
Finishing up Step One today.
Permalink  
 

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?


8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy? 

Hi. I read through the rest of the questions and chose these two as others to respond to. I think I keep going to the same thoughts in my answers. About my husband...I guess that is the main codependent relationship....I have my husband and my son....Guess I need to look at both of these....And I am out of the churches, so that is sort of over. And there is family. Really, a lot of the relationships have the same issues. I am getting better, but I have made myself too vulnerable, appeared too needy, then people tried to "help" me, then they became angry because I wasn't so easily "fixable" and after all they had done, they thought I should be a little slave to them, or whatever, so then the whole thing fell apart. My sadness was probably a trigger for them. So it goes. In ACA, we have a saying that our dysfunctional families originally gave the message, "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel". So many grew up with this hurtful rule. So as adults they can't even feel their feelings, they don't trust people.....They call me naive. Maybe I am just healthier than they are?? I don't know how I ended up still knowing my feelings, but I DO, I REALLY DO!! And I feel lots of PAIN, and IM TALKING ABOUT IT!! And....since not very many people want to hear about it out in the world, Im in this forum now. Im here to say, I have pain, sadness, fear. A lot of it!! And so does everyone else!! And if they say otherwise, they are LYING!!!! They are IN DENIAL!!!! 

Whew. That felt good to say. So....I feel resentful about all of those people I have encountered who are still in denial, still unconscious, who think they know more than what they know....they think they know more than I DO about myself.....?? How DARE they?? I am resentful about that because these people HURT others. There is an expression, "hurting people hurt". Especially hurting people who DONT EVEN KNOW they are hurting!! They hurt. And they don't even know they are hurting me. And there I am trying to be so compassionate towards them, wanting to talk, express, understand one another.....And NO, they won't do this. They hate me for trying...or that's how it feels. They enforce the rules so rigidly and angrily...the rules they learned in their abusive childhoods: Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel. They may as well come right out and say it cause that is what they are living by....and its their past. Its a repetition compulsion....and I am resentful of them. I want them to get into recovery. NOW!! But I can't control this timing......oh, ugh, I hate that.....!!!

What I don't want to do is....let those people go. Its like everyone. Its EVERYONE out there. I feel so trapped because Im stuck with all of these unrecovered people who aren't even trying to recover, who don't even know they need it.....And some of them are even supposedly "in" recovery, or have been "in" recovery for a long time, and they think they have arrived somewhere, but all they do is not drink, or not drug....and they are NOT in recovery for codependence. So all I can do is....I can see it now, their patterns and their disease...at least I don't mistake them for healthy people anymore....And I know they are not safe. But I so wish there were just a few more....

What do I have to do? I have to go out there in this sick, sick world, with all of the warped minds, all of the people whose values are so WRONG and off, who are so superficial, uncaring, nasty....ignorant, clueless......and I have to try to earn a living somehow....? I have to keep trying to earn money in this world,....to take care of my son. If it weren't for my son, really, I'd give up. I think I would. But because I have a child, I have to keep trying. I have to try to heal myself from all of this pain and I have to keep trying, keep my head above water, not drown. 

What do I want to say? Besides curse words? I want to tell the people they need recovery. I want to say this is NOT acceptable. I want to say, "stop it!!" I want to say, "Wake up, grow up!!" Or at least, I want to be able to notice the things about them that I love....I want them to let me love them, and maybe that would help somehow, maybe, eventually they would not be so scared....? But no. For an example, my husband....he's so "needless and wantless" won't accept a compliment, so passive....so depressed, so tired. What can I do about that? I can't. I have to just go on, somehow. Accept him the way he is...and try to go on. I want to say "snap out of it". But I can't. It wouldn't do any good.

I have to love and nurture myself in these circumstances. I am learning how. Its slow, but Im learning. And try to nurture my son too....Yes, I see as I write, its mostly my codependence with my husband now...but Im sure I have codependent stuff with my son too....Its overwhelming. 

Im powerless. Moving on to step 2 now....

 



__________________
Nancy Anne Brown
willing


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1190
Date:
RE: Step One
Permalink  
 

Great honesty Nalia.

I too felt as you did, especially about people in recovery.  The person that told me to get into recovery was the one that amazed me the most.  After I got into the program he was a walking contradiction and 15 years in! 

Then I had to go through my own stuff and learn to love and accept myself for who I was.  I had to be honest about things I had done, stop telling myself the "Good girl" stories, and own my stuff.  That was the first piece of learning to accept others as they are.  I didn't really have any ground to set my righteous indignation firmly upon.

The second was as I kept pointing my finger at the other person, judging their recovery, I wasn't displaying very good recovery myself.  Pot calling kettle!

Ooooof.  Punch in the gut.  That didn't feel very good - I fought that one for quite a while.  But it was the truth.

When I finally stopped I found peace.  People are who they are.  Some are a lesson of what not to be, but I still wish them well, am grateful for their example, and say a quick "Thank you" that I choose not to have people in like that in my life anymore.  I don't have to think they are less than, or that I am less than, it isn't about that.  It is simply me choosing how peaceful my life is by choosing who I let into my life.

Willing



__________________

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Nalia Ellen Grace


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 27
Date:
Permalink  
 

Thanks, Willing.

It helps to hear others share their journeys.

Yea, when you said "pot calling kettle"...I said "ouch" for me...I mean, I don't want them criticizing me but I still want to criticize them, LOL at least behind closed doors, and in my head.... Its like what teachers tell kids: "worry about yourself". But I don't. I worry about THEM>I don't think I do it to their faces too often....But really, for me...I do need to get away from people I don't like. If I don't like the way they treat me, then what game am I playing? Why am I with them?....It has taken me a year to admit to  myself that I didn't like the way the people at that church treated me.....so why did I stay, and stay? Why was I so sad to lose "friends" who weren't friends, anyway? Its weird. Mind blowing. Guess its part of my disease. I thought I could "nice" them and people please them into being nice.....but by secretly not liking them and wishing they would change, I was not being very loving, was I....? O my....so was I the pot or the kettle? Or both? Ouch, still hurts. I feel crazy thinking about it. But anyway, thanks for listening, thanks for your understanding. 

Its a journey, and Im on it.  

I have a friend who says, "inward focus, inward focus"....and THAT sounds loving to me. She lives it for herself, it seems. And she talks about it, her experience of it, how fun it is to learn to love oneself.....! I want that. Inward focus for me, too!! And more friends like that for me!! Looking forward to it!!

Blessings, 

N.



__________________
Nancy Anne Brown
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group -> Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group -> Step One