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Post Info TOPIC: Born into Alcoholism and Drug Addicts


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Born into Alcoholism and Drug Addicts
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I am 54 years old and have been around alcoholics my whole life, I was picked on all through school until I hit highschool and would come home and be verbally abused by my Mother, I was married to an alcoholic for 18 yrs, then met a Drug Addict and was with him for 8 yrs and then 7 yrs ago I met a man online, we would talk everyday and after 2 yrs we met up in Florida and have been together ever since and these past 5 yrs have been Hell with his drinking, he only drinks beer, but he will drink a 6 pack and before the store closes down the street he has to go and get more, he has a fear of running out, even if he knows he will have a couple left in the fridge, he is satisfied, for 5 yrs I have lost sleep and had to get up for work in the morning and I have Lupus so no sleep I will be so sick all day and have to work like that, the more he drinks the more he stays up, he has to get up at 430 am for work and sometimes will keep drinking til midnight, and he never misses work which amazes me, he starts to get verbally abusive, mean and a know it all....this past 4 months we have moved from Massachusetts to Oregon and are staying with my Daughter and her Husband who are devout Christians, he promised before we moved here he wouldnt drink, so not to disrupt there lives, like he does mine, well after a week of being here, my Daughter not realizing he is an alcoholic says " you know Joe if you want a couple beers before bed your welcome to do that, we just don't believe  in drinking to get drunk, well it was okay at first he would just have a couple but with in the first month, I was having to try and hide his drunkness from them, by going to bed early before they got home from work at midnight, to getting rid of his bottles in the outside trash, I figured if I went to bed early, it would make him go to, so they wouldnt see him stumbling, but he always seemed to get up and have an excuse to either go to the bathroom or go out for a smoke, over the yrs he has peed in the bedroom corner, wandered off and gotten lost in the night and found with no shoes or even a shirt on, he has snuck out through windows to go get more to drink, he has given away money in bars to people, cause when he is drunk, money means nothing.... etc.... he even got so drunk in 2011, 15 months after we first got together that in a drunken rage, over his drinking, he called his soon to be ex wife and teens girls to come get him, and didnt realize til he sobered up where he was and that he left me, I should of never got back into contact with him again after splitting up for 6 months but we got back together and now we live here at my Daughters in Oregon, he should realize that after enough abuse from alcoholic men in my life that I have always picked up and left them and moved far away, I did it with my Ex Husband and the man I was with before I met him, but apparently it doesn't scare him that I will do the same to him someday if he doesn't stop....he is sure going to be in for a big surprise!



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So without trying to sounding like an ass.

After 5 years of living, what you describe as "hell" with his drinking issue. How many more year will you give him a chance to finally see how out of control his drinking problem is?

I'm well aware of the fear of being alone, and thinking, well things aren't that bad when he not drunk.

At some point I realizing that I'm not responsible for anyone else but me. And you are not responsible for anyone but you.

Helping someone to hide the embarrassment of their out of control drinking habits are just supporting this bad habit.

Any 12 step program would be of some help to recognize the patterns that are in play in this type of relationship.
Only you can chose what you will tolerate.

When and if you finally leave, he will buy a case of beer, and curse your name. Eventually he will find another enabler, who will try to rescue him from his drinking problem. The end results will be the same.

This is just my opinion after reading this post. You make your own decision.

Having had a relationship with someone with an addition problem. I would advise any one to cut your losses and move on. It's a little bit harder at first to adjust to a single life. But the freedom of not having to care take for some one who is other wise a functional adult person. Is priceless for my well being.

Peace



-- Edited by fap123 on Wednesday 26th of August 2015 06:08:31 AM

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I completely agree with flap..its up to you to take care of you..I did the walking out thing with my ex alcoholic husband because I had had it..There had to be a better life then enabling an addict

 

I got into CoDA in 2004 and have never looked back..I don't enable anyone anymore..I take care of me..yes, I get lonely at times, but I would never go back to that life, and the sacrifices and the hell for what??  To have someone with me?? I learned in CoDa meetings and a good sponsor who helped me find myself in the 12 steps, and we studied Melodie Beattie together from cover to cover, and we did inner child work, going back to my family of origin and how I became so codependent that I would give myself up just to have a companion in my life..I would never do this again..If I meet someone and he drinks more than occasionally, I am finished..I watch, now, for red flags..I am alone now, no dating and it is in the hands of my higher power if I have a relationship ever again or not, but if i do, it will be with someone equal..Healthy..Stable..Trustworthy..Takes care of his own life..Respects himself enough to hold up his end of the relationship and takes good care of himself with a healthy set of boundaries..

I do hope you stick it out (this program)  because it is your saving grace..Your higher power nudged you here for a good reason..If your child told you he/she had a relationship that you are describing, what would you say to him/her?? Would you want this life for your child?? Your best friend?? And no worries about the addict..He will find another enabler, as flap said, and move on..Mine did!! 

Please keep coming back



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Katie J. 

Love begins within me and then radiates out to the universe



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Hello Mystery,

I can identify with your story.  Although my turbulent history with men has caused me to isolate and spend most of my adult life alone, when I did choose a man it was normally an unhealthy one.  Addiction, emotionally unavailable, abusive ... whatever the issue was ... the "bad boy".  Someone I could save.  Someone who would change because I am different.

The big thing for me was changing my thinking.  I initially thought, I can't change who I am attracted to, it just is what it is.  NOT TRUE!  As I worked the steps I changed and became more healthy.  As I continued to work, someone said ... "What do you want in a partner?"  So, I listed my dreamy ... loyal, honest, loving etc... and the response was "Ok, now go out and become that." 

Pretty soon the "bad boy" was not attractive to me anymore.  Wow, is that nice!

As for your current situation and peace of mind, I recommend Al-Anon and a book called "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews.

Welcome to MIP!  We are glad you found us.  We hope you keep coming back.

 

Willing



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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.   ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi



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Unhappy to hear about your alcohol addiction. Same case was with my uncle and in order to help him I took him to addiction counseling Virginia center where he got treated for 6 months and was happy to be in a normal state again.



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Mystery wrote:

 but apparently it doesn't scare him that I will do the same to him someday if he doesn't stop....he is sure going to be in for a big surprise!


 Fat chance he is ever going to stop so long as everyone is willing to enable him!  My question is: what are you waiting for?   I'd leave and abusive DRINK in a heart beat now that I know what my own life is worth thanks to CODA and Al-anon.   Life's too short to let an unrelenting DRUNK ruin it!  My mother made that pathetic mistake and then her DRUNK left her!!!!

I got into Recovery work for a very good reason - to stop being the sucker, doormat, victim of abusive DRUNKS and DRUG USERS.

Recovery work might help you let go of the early childhood conditioning that makes drunks and abusers attractive for you.  I am no longer remotely attracted to the kinds of mentally unhealthy people I used to "like" BEFORE Recovery work and will never go back to the pathetic doormat that I was raised to be by my parents.  Abusive drunks just do not turn me on any more!  Since I don't drink, my scope of close friends is very small but much healthier and pleasant than those exciting, loud, dangerous and PAINFUL drunks ever were. 

Good luck getting what's left of your life back.  You deserve to be happy NOW! 

Thank god for 12 step programs!



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