We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person's feelings. It's impossible; the two acts contradict.
What a tremendous asset to have compassion for others! How difficult that same quality can make it to set boundaries!
It's good to care about other people and their feelings; it's essential to care about ourselves too. Sometimes, to take good care of ourselves, we need to make a choice.
Some of us live with a deeply ingrained message from our family, or from church, about never hurting other people's feelings. We can replace that message with a new one; one that says it's not okay to hurt ourselves. Sometimes, when we take care of ourselves, others will react with hurt feelings.
That's okay. We will learn, grow, and benefit by the experience; they will too. The most powerful and positive impact we can have on other people is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves, and allows others to be responsible for themselves.
Caring works. Caretaking doesnt. We can learn to walk the line between the two.
Today, I will set the limits I need to set. I will let go of my need to take care of other peoples feelings and instead take care of my own. I will give myself permission to take care of myself, knowing its the best thing I can do for others and myself.
Wow - this is powerful stuff. I often end up feeling selfish if I don't take a direct step to indicate my compassion for anyone I perceive as hurting. But I rarely recognize that my NOT extending compassion to every living thing in my path is a way of setting limits and taking care of myself. Thanks for sharing this, Danielle.
The reminder I use is "Put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others."
Often times others are hurting due to their own choices. I am not responsible for their choices, their consequences, or their hurt feelings. I do not need to take them on as my own - which has been something I have done a LOT in the past. It is exhausting and unnecessary. I still do it, caretaking . . . but I am practicing taking care of myself first. It is emotionally painful for me to leave it up to those I love to take care of themselves and watch them struggle - when I could just make it so much easier for them.
But is that really my responsibility? And if I do that, do they ever actually step up to the plate and START taking care of themselves?
I have been sick all week and finally took a day off work today. Nobody said anything bad to me but I felt terribly guilty because I know we don't have enough staff. I have tried to tell myself I wasn't really that bad and could probably go to work, but I just felt too sick today. I know I shouldn't go to work when all I'm contributing is germs, but I feel so much at fault, and my mind is catastrophizing to the point where I fear I could lose my job! (VERY unlikely, especially over taking a sick day that I needed)
Any ideas for coping with guilt that is less than rational??
Dear SugarBee, I hope you get well soon. I would admit my powerlessness over my illness & accept that's not my fault. You've done what you thought you could in pressing on & have eventually surrendered into the need for self-loving care. About the fear, admittedly you know that's unlikely so if that was or wasn't I pray to my HP in gratitude for the things I have & ask for my fear to be removed acknowledging I am in the care of. It works even if it takes time. Sending you recovery love & (immune!) hugs Lilmzx
"Some of us live with a deeply ingrained message from our family, or from church, about never hurting other people's feelings. We can replace that message with a new one; one that says it's not okay to hurt ourselves. Sometimes, when we take care of ourselves, others will react with hurt feelings."
I am having a very hard time maintaining my boundaries because I feel mean; as if I am depriving others of what they want. Listen to my words: "depriving others of what they want." Oh, my goodness; things are starting to click.
I will take the daily thought and try to make it my own. ("Today, I will set the limits I need to set. I will let go of my need to take care of other peoples feelings and instead take care of my own. I will give myself permission to take care of myself, knowing its the best thing I can do for others and myself. ")
I grew up with the whole love thy neighbour thing.....
but if that commandment is written properly it says:
Love thy neighbour AS thy-self, not instead of thy-self!
This was a big revelation to me....and I HAVE taken it on board.
I really think there have been many lessons I may have mislearned and now have to re learn in a healthy way.
But how do I cope with the very real strops from other strong minded people who openly call me selfish because I'm not looking after their needs?
I have HAD to start self caring because of my own illness,(CFS / fibromyalgia) but all its doing is making EVERYONE miserable....including me.
My husband (in alcoholic recovery) is very obviously sulking because I can't always cook for him and can't be there for him when he is available.
He forgets about his own unavailablity. He works long hours, goes to meetings and sleeps. Thats it. Hes around some mornings, but as a CFS sufferer I can't do mornings so I'm asleep. Hes very often not home till 10pm or later if he goes off to meetings after work.
Yes I find it lonely living around him because he's rarely around, but I just can't be what other people want me to be just because they demand it...... why is my illness somehow less important.
Its not just him, my Mum is also demanding in a different way and of course my adult children have needs... ( I have a good friend living next door I rarely see because I can't cope so I know its more about me that others. I'm becoming very isolated)
If I focus on me and live my own life I become single? I don't feel I have the right to demand he spends time with me.... I can't work (so he panics about money) and also go to meetings
Where does setting a boundary stop and controlling start.
I gave up being a victim when I was divorcing....but really don't know how to deal with this
I think we're both very co dependant.... is that just a recipe for toxicity?
We were divorcing because of his alcoholism....and have been working at our relationship again for the past 5 years. Both of us are working programs
But I'm finding it increasingly difficult to find a way to self care.... and care.
We don't seem to be living the same life and therefore not really married (if that makes sense) he's horrible to me and says I'm horrible to him.
Wheres the serenity in this to be found?
Working the program means going back to step one.... I'm powerless and if live is unmanageable i have stopped focusing on me.
And it means picking out some slogans.... Let go and let God. I do pray about it all.
Let it begin with me (but I don't like that one. I seem to be the only one working at this! I don't mind it beginning with me but at some point others have to join in don't they?)
One day at a time.... just for today....I'm sat on my own again and I don't feel too good so its an opportunity to rest and work on pacing.
Progress not perfection.... i have to find some sort of guage to watch for some progress.... I suppose I should do some journalling again and focus on my step 10.
Struggling
odaat
-- Edited by odaat on Friday 28th of October 2011 03:56:14 AM
-- Edited by odaat on Friday 28th of October 2011 04:01:08 AM
