People often talk about success, and I am interested to hear what success means to different people. I am a work in progress, but I like this definition for now.
To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people, and the affection of children. To earn the appreciation of honest critics, and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
The place I found this quote attributes it to both Ralph Waldo Emerson, and Robert Louis Stevenson. I don't care who said it, I like it.
For me it is my daughter. I broke the cycle of my family dynamic and I am so very proud of myself and her. I by no means did perfectly and if she ever ends up in therapy - I am sure there will be plenty to talk about Mom.
But - I was consistently there for her. She knows I love her above all other things. She has confidence in herself because I believe in her and tell her she is great. I also tell her when she is not. She can see another's boundaries and set her own as I have had them with her and enforce them. Lastly, I provided a good, safe, loving home - most of the time. There was a 2 year period where things got a little nuts - but she also got to watch me climb out of that and get back on track. I made my amends to her, verbal and living. As she grew and it was time to let her stretch her wings I gave her room to do that and make her own mistakes. It was so very difficult. I wanted to keep her safe and with me, under my wing forever.
She is an incredible young woman and if I die today - I am a success. Mostly because I have been given the gift of being able to love someone so purely, honestly, and completely.
to win the respect of intelligent people, and the affection of children. To earn the appreciation of honest critics, and endure the betrayal of false friends, , to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
You know you'll hear people in other 12 step proqrams say "this is a selfish proqram" but I believe it's even more so in Coda. My idea of success is to take very qood care of myself, in all aspects of my life: physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and spiritually, and to live an excellent life on a daily basis. If I do those two thinqs, all the folks that are in my life, or that I come across are bound to benefit as side affect. I'm done with expendinq enerqy for the primary benefit of others for the most part. If asked, and I have time, I may spend some time helpinq others, with the absolute knowledqe that helpinq others and approval seekinq are druqs to me.
qenerally I see success as the accomplishment of the qoals that I set for myself (on paper). Selfish? You betcha.
-- Edited by Dean on Tuesday 29th of March 2011 05:18:21 AM
I come from a very dysfunctional family, with very rigid, black and white views. Because of 12 step programs and a lot of therapy, I am gaining, albeit very slowly, a new perspective on the world.
I have discovered that a lot of behaviours and attitudes of mine were survival traits, such as people pleasing, approval seeking, trying to solve other people's problems - trying to fix people. These traits, I now know, helped me to survive. However, I can now see, that they are not ALL bad. It was just that I used them in an all or nothing way in order to survive. As an adult, I continued to use them to boost my ego. God knows, I had no self esteem.
Now I no longer want to get rid of these traits. I realise that they are common in all human beings to a greater or lesser degree.
With the help of my HP, and the program, I have been able to integrate these traits somewhat. Learning about boundaries has been very helpful. I never had any boundaries before. I find putting boundaries in place can be very very frightening, but essential to my recovery.
So, on further reflection, I think success to me means becoming a healthy human being. Progress not perfection.
success for me is when my insides match my outsides, like have a clean house, fresh sheets on the bed, a full fridge, and I take a shower and go to bed, did my chores, had a productive day, maybe made love to my best girl, but that feeling, of clean body getting in clean sheets, had a healthy dinner, maybe an orange for dessert, a banana, maybe spent a good day on the river or ocean, popping a 50' tree top from 100' up and havingit just barely brush the gutter on both houses while the guy that hired me screams like a little girl (daily occurance) there are so many different ways and days to be successful, changing a flat without breaking a sweat or swearing, helping someone truly in need, having someone smile at me and mean it, smile at someone else and mean it, sometimes success is a really good poop..my gold standard varies frankly
but mainly for me, success is not comparing my insides to your outsides and not caring if you have a cooler definition of success or even appear more successful, in short success is being happy with what I've got, success is when I am happy to be me, not ashamed to be me, not afraid to be me, "not success" is when I let others define what success should be for me
-- Edited by LinBaba on Tuesday 29th of March 2011 09:48:51 AM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I've always liked this quote by Eckhart Tolle: "Don't let an insane world tell you that success is anything more than a successful present moment."
I am grateful for my journey, despite the insanity of the past. As long as I keep working my program and make every effort to stay present, I feel like a success. Some moments... some days are definitely more successful than others. The program is teaching me ... one day at a time, one moment at a time... pull myself up and try again... just keep trying to do what I believe my HP would have me do.
The chapter on step 12 in the 12x12 talks about not putting the cart before the horse... spiritual success must come first, then everything else will fall into place. The old-timers have confirmed that it works..... so my big focus in recovery has been on building a relationship with my HP. That defines success for me. It's sooo much better than what it used to be like.
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"See the work. Do the work. Stay out of misery." -Maharishi
Success to me is making progress.. as long as I'm doing what the next right thing is I feel I am succeeding. Even if I fail I succeeded at giving it my best if I honestly did. Success can be as big or as little as you make it. It can be as big as living a great life, arresting the disease(s), helping others, watching your kids/grand kid's grow, retiring and dying peacefully or as simple as Dean succeeding at writing anything that has g in it with the letter q because his button's broke. He succeeded in mastering it qracefully! :)
Newlight - I have read that quote before, and I love it. I am successful in my career, but I am firmly convinced that my real success are the two quickly maturing kiddos I gave this world. They are the only thing that will really persist of me after I'm gone.
I too feel I have broken the cycle of codependence. I do worry about the effect that my now sober alcoholic husband's disease had on them, but I can be glad that he has attained sobriety and that we are both in recovery. That is some success as well.
-- Edited by Cl on Thursday 31st of March 2011 07:34:51 AM
