After my partner and I broke up , I've spent the past few weeks looking at me and trying to understand my part in my relationships, and why I find them so difficult. I've been going to lots of meetings and talking with my sponsor and friends in the two fellowships I'm a member of. I'm also still working my 8th step. I've worked hard as well to not do things the way I've done them in the past. So I've been trying really hard to keep the focus on me, and not obsess about my relationship with my partner and what he's doing. I haven't always managed to do that, but I've been using what I know about the programme, have been handing it all over, and have been asking for and gettting help from my hp. Basically, I've been re-programming my brain to do it differently by thinking about myself in a different way. This has been the thing I've found most difficult.
My partner has contacted me a couple of times to tell me how he has been feeling. He is in his own recovery programme. For the first time in our relationship, I've been able to listen and hear what he's been saying to me about how he feels, and what's going on for him, without being defensive. I've been able to apologise for things I've done that have been really hurtful because I've realised that no matter what he's been doing, I'm responsible for my behaviour and have behaved towards him in ways that have been really hurtful, and damaging to me and him.
The upshot is that my partner told me he loved me very much, and that he wanted to start again with our relationship, and that he wanted to do it differently. I have met with him for coffee, and have been on a visit to a place he knows I love with him. I have surprised myself by finding that I have been able to behave differently with him, and have enjoyed his company.
But i have been upset by my thought patterns around this whole situation, which is the reason for this post. I'm sorry this is so long.
When my partner and I got together he was very present, very affectionate, very inclusive. I found this all really difficult to deal with and without realising it, did a lot of different things to push him away. Then I was able to feel victimised and say to myself that he was excluding me from his life. He actually reached a point where he got really fed up of my critical behaviour towards him, and became distant, not very affectionate, etc. I was then able to really go into victim mode and see myself as hard done by. I didn't know at the time this was what was happening, but looking back, and seeing things in a different way as a result of my 12 step programmes, I can see more clearly what I was doing.
And I'm still doing it...
I have been feeling really upst, lonely, angry, vicitmised and resentful for the past couple of weeks, and have been going to meetings trying to figure out what the h*ll was going on with me. All I could get to was "He's not doing this (insert whatever expectation I have) and I feel this (insert negative feeling) because of it."
Yesterday it all came flooding out when a lovely friend of mine from the fellowship called just to say hi and see how I was doing. I had no idea I was holding on to the stuff that came up, but she was wonderful and listened and heard me and gave me the space to reach the painful part of me I've been hiding from myself.
This is what I realised. I believe myself to be unlovable, worthless and a failure. Two of the things that have massively contributed to those feelings are that at 4 years old I was molested by someone outside the family, and at 20 I was sexually assaulted in the house I shared with student friends by a stranger we let into the house. I have always blamed myself for what happened because I was too scared to tell anyone what happened to me until just a few years ago. My partner was the first person I told. He responded brilliantly.
I never allowed myself to believe that what happened to me at 4 happened because I was so little I thought I had done something wrong. I never told my parents what had happened because I felt like I was wrong for having the memories of it. When I was 20 I was so afraid, I wasn't able to defend myself, and I blamed myself for that. What I didn't realise was that in my head this blame became "I am worthelss, unlovable and a failure". Somewhere in my head the connection became "there is something about me that invites this behaviour"= worthless. I couldn't defend myself=failure, I find it so difficult to open up to people without feeling afraid=unlovable.
When my partner was available, present, affectionate and loving, I felt like my head was going to explode. I couldn't cope with the intimacy of our relationship emotionally. So I started to look for reasons and proof to support my beliefs that I am unlovable, worthless and a failure. So everything he did was seen in these terms. Nothing he did was seen by me as being enough as I was always able to find the proof that he believed I was worthless, unlovable, a failure. I had no idea I was doing this. I honestly belived that it was his "fault". It was me that thought I was worthless, unlovable and a failure, not him.
When he asked me to go with him for coffee, I started looking for that proof again and have been doing it continuously again.
Last night I admitted to my friend what was going on for me and for the first time I cried about what happened to me, the hurt I felt and still feel and the loneliness it has caused me. I have felt trapped within myself, unable to reach out to other people. I have used manipulation, control, verbal abuse, and rejecting people as ways of keeping myself safe, because doing those things has given me distance. But I don't want to be distant from my partner, and I find it really difficult to be open. I don't know if my partner and me can "do" a healthy relationship, but I know i want to change how I see myself and how I relate to myself and to other people. I want to be able to relate in a healthy way to myself and I want to be able to relate to other people in a healthy and loving way. My partner, in his own words, feels similar things.
I'm sitting here now and have found myself crying as I'm writing this. I haven't cried about these two things happening to me before. If I've spoken about them, it's been really mechanical and I've not felt any connection to any feelings at all, just numb, like I was telling about something that happened to someone else. I used to feel ashamed about the assualts I experienced. I don't want to feel ashamed of those things happening to me anymore. I feel sad that I was hurt that way, and even more sad that I dealt with it by cutting myself off from people who care about me.
More than anything I want to change the beliefs of I'm worthless, unlovable and a failure" to "I'm lovable, worth a lot and am very loving" I guess the success part would come as it's own reward from being able to be me.
I apologise for this post being long. I'm trying to be honest, real and true, so that I can change.
Freya
-- Edited by Freya on Thursday 19th of May 2011 03:34:09 AM
-- Edited by Freya on Thursday 19th of May 2011 03:36:48 AM
-- Edited by Freya on Thursday 19th of May 2011 03:38:24 AM
I am in a very similar situation as you, I am seperated from my sober abf who is in his own recovery so that I can cocentrate on me. I too am realsieing my part / behaviours within the relationship, I too am pushing him away to protect myself.
I believe that I pick broken people for relationship from by learnt behvior as my mum is co dependent but not in recovery. I then punish my partner when they can not meet my expectations. I have the same sense of being unlovable, less than , worthless. I have put up with lots of unacceptable behavior due to lack of self love and I am very resentful at times about this towards my partner and myself. I believe I feel this way because of my childhood. I am sorry you expereinced those assults i can not imagine your pain. My pain has come from lack of emtional love and support from my mother, I had to be the strong one the fixer just like her. I have been as you say finding myself obsessing about the relationship with my partner and the outome I think it helps take my focus back away from my painful journey. I too want to deal with the past and get to love myself, care for myself and hopefully have healthy relationships in the future. thanks for your great share, your courage and self awareness are admirable
I know how you feel having experienced similar situations. Do not apologize for the long post - that is what this place is here for and guess what - you just took a HUGE step in healing. Getting this stuff out helps us heal.
I am going to keep my ES&H to myself and just let that be what it is. But I do want to say that you are not alone. You are doing great. It hurts to heal and that is ok. I wish I could give you a big hug. Thank you for trusting us with that. As a survivor of sexual abuse I understand completely and as much as you are hurting right now - I am so proud of you. We must feel the pain before we can release it and change.
Tracy and Linistea, thank you so much for your kindness, friendship here at MIP, and support. I found posting this post really difficult but am so glad I did it. It has helped me to release something important and I have spent time crying today and feeling my feelings around it for the first time. I felt so alone as i wrote this post and even more alone as I put it here on the board, but coming back and finding your replies made a big difference for me. Thank you for the hugs Tracy. I'm sending some for you ((((((tracy))))). Linistea, I am so sorry to hear that you have had similar experiences and thank you for letting me know that you have such deep empathy for my feelings. I have carried this pain for such a long time as a secret, and have always felt different and "damaged" because of that secrecy. After telling my partner I told a couple of people in my family about what happened, and a couple of very close friends, as well as a couple of people in the fellowship, taking steps over time to break the secrecy in an appropriate way, but last night on the phone to my friend and today posting here are the first time I have had an emotional response to talking about it, that matched what happened. It's the first time I've been able to feel what I feel about it and express it in a way that's healthy. I can't tell you how much it to means to me to be able to do that after so much time trying to release it and not being able to. Your replies helped me to be able to feel what I felt and that has made such a big difference to my day today. Thank you tracy and Linistea. I feel lighter.
Freya, I feel for you, and know exactly how you feel, having gone through significant trauma as a child and young adult, too. When you are little and bad things happen to you, you internalize the shame and believe that you are deserving of bad things happening. Until I did some intensive inner child work and meditation, and detached from my painful memories that were holding me hostage (this does NOT mean forgetting or stuffing , just detaching), I was not able to experience self love and self worth. And you know what they say, if you don't love yourself you cannot love others properly...it's true. I would recommend reading the John Bradshaw book, "Healing the Shame that Binds You," and finding some good CoDA meetings in your area. Personal counseling can also be helpful, if you find the right match and are willing to be rigorously honest.
There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are OK as you are, and this is a process. Start doing little things each day to care for you- breaks in the day to do some deep breathing exercises. Walks outside in the sunshine. Positive affirmations. Also, get a picture of yourself as a child and look deep into your eyes in the picture. Tell your little you in the picture that you love her. We are all children of God and worthy of love. Love your little you, then look into your eyes in the mirror and realize you are that SAME person. That same beautiful, lovable person you were as a child, and begin telling yourself EVERY DAY that you love you.
If you repeat it enough and begin treating yourself lovingly, soon you will believe it.
I'm so sorry to hear that you have experienced significant trauma as a child HeatherK. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. It makes a big difference to know that my words have been read and that I've been heard. Freya
Thank you for being here, Freya. It is a Joy & a Treasure to walk along with you. I feel I can see you on a soul level & I'm so proud of how courageous & willing you are to venture deep, deep inside & visit every place that has been living in darkness to ready for the light. Your Higher Power is an amazing gift I love & trust even from here which may feel like afar but we both & hopefully all can know how intransient & yet intrinsic to time, distance & space God is. I see you in your spirit & it is massive. You are such brightness, Freya. Thank you for taking good care of you. You deserve it & are so worth it. How's your self-worth, lovability & sense of success today, Sister? lilmzxx
