I accept that I am not going to be liked by everyone. I have this way about me when it comes to how I like to be treated as well as how I treat others. If I don't agree with someone's way of how they think I should behave, or in how they are behaving towards me, I speak up and then they get very quiet with me and don't want to be bothered. Honestly, the feeling becomes mutual after all the drama. It comes off in a verbal and nonverbal way. I kind of put up a wall that says one can only go so far from now on, and they do the same.
Just because I'm not close with that person anymore, if one of their family members (who I know) gets ill, wouldn't it be nice of them to call me so I could visit that person? Why do they not even consider that I would be interested in knowing? Have I offended them that badly that they would not let me know if their family member was in the hospital or even dead? It's like accept me on my terms or else nothing.
I know can't please everyone, but is this something I should even worry about? Am I making too much of this? It happened today for the 2nd time. The 1st time happened 2 years ago when the person's mother died and was buried for a month. She didn't tell me (we had a falling out and she was not speaking to me even though I apologized). We are talking, but I'm not interested in being close friends with her.
The incident today is different in that we mutually agreed to disagree, at least that's how I saw it, but she viewed my opinion and request (something she needed to stop doing regarding my son) as a character flaw, and stopped speaking. She told my son that I stopped speaking to her, but I didn't stop. Her communication just stopped, and I took the hint.
Am I making too much of this? Feels very sad to be called from 5 states away regarding someone who lives 10 minutes away from me about their being in the hospital when her niece used to text and call me almost daily.
Hi Gladys. I'm a lot like you. As an aries, I'm very direct and people will know when I'm not happy with them. Basically, I charge ram into them with my stubborn hard head full on! Many people retreat from this type of approach to problem solving, and can you blame them? Like you, I'm also good at putting up walls. I do this to protect myself, then (like you) feel hurt when someone isn't able to reach me or connect with me emotionally THROUGH the wall!
What works for me is working a 12 step program with codependency in mind. Melody Beattie wrote a book called "Codependency through the 12 Steps" which I have found to be very helpful in dealing with my issues. Step one is :WE are powerless over other people and our lives have become unmanageable. This is where I'm at, so I cannot share with you what I haven't yet got...but I can tell you that I believe when we get to steps 4-6 (personal inventory, realizing our part in our resentments, admitting to self, God, and another person the exact nature of our wrongdoings, and asking God to remover our shortcomings) we will experience some relief in our relational struggles. THen, in step 8 and 9 when we make amends, we will have an opportunity to clear our side of the street and this leads to FREEDOM and the Promises. I'm looking forward to healing some of the relationship pain and drama I have caused in my life.
Until we "get there" in the step work, I would encourage CAREFUL and gentle open communication with this person. Admitting and apologizing if you can for your part in the relationship breakdown, and requesting that the person please consider you when family illness/death occurs on their side because you care very much about these people. I would encourage you not to nag, blame, criticise, guilt-trip, or consider your wounded ego WHATSOEVER during this conversation. Keep it simple, calm, and focus on the one request you are making. You cannot control this person or their thoughts, feelings, behaviors, or decisions. You can only make a polite request, then respect their answer. As an Aries Ram, this is not easy for me. I want to charge in and DEMAND that I get my way!!! :) AS you can see, this approach is ineffective however, and my goals today are changing. I no longer want to just get my way, but want to seek a win-win solution for all involved when possible.
More will be revealed! BEst wishes to you in your challenging and painful situation. Take care of yourself as you go through this. You are NOT a bad person, and deserve to treat yourself lovingly and gently. Do your best, and then let it go. You cannot control the outcome. With love, your codependent sister, Heather
Just because I'm not close with that person anymore, if one of their family members (who I know) gets ill, wouldn't it be nice of them to call me so I could visit that person? .......The 1st time happened 2 years ago when the person's mother died and was buried for a month. She didn't tell me (we had a falling out and she was not speaking to me even though I apologized).
Am I making too much of this? Feels very sad to be called from 5 states away regarding someone who lives 10 minutes away from me about their being in the hospital when her niece used to text and call me almost daily.
I've experienced quite a bit of this, and not neccessarily because I had a fallinq out with the person. Some families are very private about health maters and don't share about it (in real time) outside of the family. I know that I'm very private and I don't like people knowinq about stuff like that. I prefer to tell them later. I have a lot of close friends from childhood, and thier parents were like fathers and mothers to me, yet no invitations to attend funerals. At first I was feelinq "left out" and I wanted badly to express that, but when a family is stressinq or later qrievinq I can't expect them to think about me. It just wasn't about me. Once I accepted that I was ok with it.
Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. I did a quick step 4 on myself and I felt better. I just talked to my friend who told me that they found out that my friend in the hospital is very ill. What's more is that this person and her family prefer to pretend all is well to put up a front. Her family is there, they understand, and that's what counts. I saw the person who was cool towards me, and she is still acting the same way. I wont feed off her negativity, though. I will visit my sick friend, offer assistance when asked, and wish them well. That's all I can do. You're so right. It's not about me.
