I have now made it one month without a slip, a slip into codependent relationship behaviors. I have given up my controlling and obsessing. I can already see progress, in how I feel about ME. I feel I am slowly making progress, getting better...and here's the shocker! It takes the same things to recover in CoDA as it does in AA. Steps, meetings, positive daily affirmations, prayer, and meditation, and abstinence. For me this means abstaining from jumping into another relationship right now. For when I'm in a romantic relationship, it is like miracle grow for my character defects.
Right now I need time to heal, to learn how to do things differently. If I slip, I most likely will fall right back into what I know, what is comfortable for me, and that is the insanity! I thrive on chaos. Drama. Dysfunctional relationships is what I know, how I learned to "love" in my family of origin. I cannot fix what was messed up in my family of origin by replaying the SAME family dynamics in a romantic relationship. I was abused and abandoned by a cold, distant, mean spirited father. I cannot heal that original pain and toxic shame by latching on to someone just like dad and making him "love" me. I see now how sick I have been, to continue chasing men that will never be emotionally available to me, that avoid love while I become addicted to some fantasy of "love" with them.
I must learn to detach from my original pain, my family of origin, and heal my inner child. I must learn to treat myself with the loving and nurturing that I did not get as a child...and practice loving self care routinely. I have begun on this journey of self love, and I can see it is working. But just as I was not "cured" from alcoholism in my first month, neither am I cured from codependency and ready to jump back out there into the dating scene. I am learning it is OK to just be me. I have all that I need, all the skills, the goodness, the joy, the love I need is already within me. I just need to let it be. Let it emerge from within me as I learn and grow. It is a beautiful thing! Heather
Hi Heather, I just want to tell you how much I learn from your posts; I relate to some much of what you share. I am also in AA and am dealing with my codependency issue; I realized while working my steps that I definitely have codependent issues that I cannot deny! Some years ago I ended up marrying someone very similar to my father (he's even 17 years older than me) (long, boring story) so it was mandatory I address both issues to finally set some emotional boundaries; to figure out what's right for me (rather than doing whatever he wants and then drinking to drown my frustration). Too early to say if this marriage will survive but I have six months sobriety on monday and I feel stronger than I ever have. I certainly feel my spouse respects me more and more importantly I respect myself again-it's wonderful! Anyhow, good work Heather and keep sharing your ES & H! Dolly
