Hello all, I am new here and just now realizing that I am very codependant. I feel overwhelmed as to what I have to do to overcome this but I am also ready to do it!
I have 2 things that are coming up for me the first is that I generally want everyone's approval. Anytime I write on any site that I am on then I want so badly others approval. I wish I could write with confidence in myself. If I do write anything on any group then I keep second guessing myself. It tears me up inside that my value is based on if others like me. I have stopped writing in a group that I am in because I decided that I need to work on this insecure part of me.
The second thing is that I am really struggling with boundaries. Our family is very close to this other family and the father in it has no idea of boundaries what so ever. He comes up to me and taps me on the shoulder and yells really loud to scare me. He tries to come up behind me and startle me. I just laugh it off or ignore him. He has also said some really disturbing things that concern me as well. I think that as I am *just starting* Al anon and trying to get healthy that I am becoming aware of people that aren't healthy. I feel so powerless and it is really frusterating. I dread being around him but I love being around his wife and kids.
The last thing is that I care what others think so much. My neighbor up the street keeps MAJOR tabs on our house. She calls me to tell me when I leave the car door open. She calls me to tell me that the Mormon boys are coming to my door (when I invited them). She emails me to gossip about the other neighbor and yet I continue to play the *nice girl* and brush it off. So now I am feeling so annoyed. I am really mad at myself for letting these things happen and yet I feel so powerless.
Can anyone relate to these things? I am very thankful to be here and to learn with you all.
Hi Daisy31, Welcome to MIP. I find this board a really great place to learn about codependency and to read other people's experience, strength and hope. I can very much relate to not wanting to attract disapproval, and therefore finding it very difficult to set healthy boundaries. It is something that I am learning about and that I struggle with. I don't want to get into your business and tell you what you should or shouldn't do but I can share some of my experience with you. Someone said to me today something that really resonated with me. "Regardless of what other people are doing or how other people feel towards me, I am the one person I have to definitely live with for the rest of my life and so it's very important that I like and approve of me and my behaviour/actions/choices." For a very long time I put other people's feelings about me before my feelings about myself and I hated myself. Now other people are angry with me at changes I am making but I am not angry with myself. I can live more easily with not being angry at myself and them being angry with me than I could live with their approval but hating myself. There was a time in the past where I couldn't do that, but little by little I learned how to start doing things differently.
It is taking time and effort for me to change and it can be difficult and painful, but I am doing it one day at a time. It's ok to not be able to set a boundary. I am learning new behaviour that takes time to practice and understand. It's ok to find it tricky and to not always be able to do it. It's ok to be confused and frightened of what may happen if I change. It's ok to have compassion for myself because I don't really know how to set boundaries and I want other people's approval. I can start to make different choices for myself if I know I am doing it just in this minute, just in this day. And if I can't make a change, I know I always have tomorrow to try again. The biggest thing I have learned in coda, is that it's ok to be gentle with myself. Acceptance of myself right where i am with all that I find difficult and all the things i am angry at myself about has freed me up to forgive myself for not being able to do it differently.
Hi daisy31, I too have just joined recently. I am learning what I can about co dependency.
My biggest problem is with setting and holding my boundaries. I feel like I'm mean if I try to maintain my boundaries. No one honors them.
Someone in a related 12 step program told me that her boundaries are as solid as a water sprinkler. Picture that, who would stop at the edge of a water sprinkler; geez, it could even be fun to pass through a lawn sprinkler! That's a nice pictorial image of my boundary making. I have a lot of work to do. I feel like I'm in the right place.
Welcome to MIP, daisy. I hope you may seek out a meeting for CoDependents Anonymous. It's there that I received the mainstay of my own recovery from codependency & access to the 12 Steps which I use to help me on a daily basis. In support, lilmzx
