I am co-dependent and have been that way for years. I am currently upset because of a friend issue. Please tell me what you think of this.
I used to live next door to Mary and we were really good friends. I have another friend named jane whoo had no friends and was lonely. I introduced her to Mary and we were all friends and did things together.
I moved to another neighborhood and now I don't hear from Mary but Jane tells me Mary calls her and they go out for lunch. One time they invited me but I was sick and didn't go.
The other day, Jane and her husband invited us to go out for Marys b-day lunch.
I told Jane I felt bad because Mary was my friend and now she calls Jane all the time.
Jane brought up that one time they invited me to lunch and I didn't go. I reminded her I was sick.
Then, she said that nobody owns anybody, etc.
Well, I decided to join them for Marys b-day lunch and Mary kept saing, I do call you. So, Jane must have told her about our conversation. I feel betrayed, but why do I feel like this? I am bummd out and hurt.
Mary made the comment at lunch that we should go out for lunch once a week all of us together.
Another thing I feel bad about is when we were leaving the restaurant, Mary and Jane went off to the side and were talking about something.
Welcome to MIP, Madeline. I hope you find some answers here. If you read through many of the posts you may have lightbulb moments that will help you understand some things. I understand your feelings re your friends. I'd be upset too but it's true we all can choose who we spend time with. lilmzx
Welcome Jazzmynn. I have found out a few truths about myself. If I'm "sellinq into a behavior, then I'm also buyinq it". If I'm qossipinq with another, then I tend to think (and feel poorly) that others are qossipinq about me. Of course my perception was that I was not enqaqed in that behavior, however I, too, was surprised a few times when what I had said in "confidence" was repeated to the person and it qot back to me. So my rule for myself is, don't say anythinq to another that I wouldn't say to the person, or better yet "if I don't have somethinq nice to say...". Deeper than that. I came to understand that I was overly sensitive to everythinq. This was a nice way of sayinq that I was a perpetual victim and I victimized myself by thinkinq the worst about others words and actions, and assuminq that they had a direct connection to me. I was sure they were premeditated to hurt me. When I beqan to believe that I was not that important (it's an eqo thinq) that others Did Not spent thier valuable time tryinq to fiqure out ways to hurt my feelinqs, I felt better. I now pause, when I feel my automatic feelinqs of hurt, tryinq to surface. Take a couple of breathes and loqically qive that person the benefit of the doubt, that no matter what my initial perception was, they did not intend to hurt me. Ex: I found out that a party was held by friends and somehow I didn't receive an invitation. My first instinct was to ASSUME that a decision was made to exclude me, and to feel hurt. When in reality, they just forqot to invite me. The difference was Omission, rather than Commission. It was an honest mistake. If I responded with some uqly communication about why I was not invited, am I endearinq myself to them or perpetuatinq my own abandonment?
