I have a friend who has been a great friend for the last 3 years. Her husband is no longer drinking or doing drugs but he still has the same behaviors though. He has a long term illness. My friend has been such a caretaker and enabled him so much. I never realized how unhealthy it was until recently as I have started Al anon and learned about co-dependancy. I am becoming *aware* now. Yesterday I went to the park with my friend (her husband was at home) and she complained about so much the whole time I was there. I can totally understand needing to express feelings with a friend and vent but this was making me physically in pain. She expressed that she is tired of dealing with her husbands families dysfunction (the twistedness of an addics mind). She said that her husband always seems to want her to do and be everything. She really went on and on about what a victim she is. About how everyone is always against her ect... I remember being that way too but since I have become more *aware* and want to change then I am seeing things differently. I tried to say a few things to her like "you really need to do something for yourself" and "I hope your taking care of yourself" she said she is always worried what others think of her and I said "well I am learning that I don't care as much, I am going to be me" She then basically projected her view on me and told me that I still care a ton what others think of me It really felt like she didn't want me to be getting healthier. I told her I started Al anon and she said she couldn't do that because she would have to stop enebeling her husband....YES she actually said that!!!
I am just wondering where our friendship is going from here now because I really don't think I can be her sounding board so she can complain and not choose to get better. I would really like for it to be a mutual friendship but all that seems to be happening is that I don't get a voice in the relationship. It is like I am some sort of a ghost in the relationship. I am learning that I am a person of value and I have a lot to contribute to the world :)
I guess I am *all for* walking through this with her if she is choosing to take some steps but from what I am seeing....she doesn't want to get better and she wants me to stay in this cycle with her. Anyone have any thougts about this? Thanks so much.
Hi Daisy, I relate to your post. I think it's awesome that you are seeing yourself in this, that you identify the physical effects the friendship is having on you. Just for today, the relationship might be more than you can handle, it might be triggering too much for you... but in my experience, that changes...
When I began in al-anon, my friendships changed. I had friends who were just like me - birds of a feather, right?? We were sick together. When I began to get healthier, my friend, Linda, was NOT ready to do the same. Like me, she was miserable in her alcoholic marriage, but she could not move beyond that, she was "safe" with the familiar, I guess. It's really not for me to "fix" her or open her eyes... but that was my codependent nature and I wanted her to feel better too...
In recovery, I was indeed changing, I was different... and I certainly began to talk differently, I openly shared recovery with her... to thine own self be true. Without a doubt, she had no "use" for me anymore, she needed to stay in her misery, where it was comfortable. I know she is happy for me, but she had to pull away. And I'm okay with that, I wish her well. She has her own Higher power. And I am not "it."
I still have my friendship with my friend, Carol, though. Even though, she is exactly like Linda, she cannot imagine a life outside of her extremely painful marriage. I still share myself, I'm one of those people who talks passionately about my life, right or wrong, I wear my heart right here on my sleeve, hahaha! She admires the gi-normous changes in me.... she allows me to be me, and I allow her to be her. The friendship has survived....
I will say this.... Carol can fall into deep depression occasionally, and that is very hard for me, I love my friend. But I am powerless to change her. I can "feel" when I have to limit my time with her, some days, I am stronger than others.
Carol also offers very, very codependent advice... she is an enabler to ME, she has me on an effing pedestal!! But I see it. I often tell her, "gee Carol, that is the LAST THING my ego needs to hear" and we laugh... we laugh a lot together. She tells me she lives vicariously through me, which makes me sad. She is a very beautiful soul... evolving just as she should.... not on my time-table, but.... I am not God.
Sometimes my disease gets triggered by another's disease. When I stay close to my program, I am rather protected... I can usually see it. When I wander away... less meetings, less time with sponsor, etc.... I tend to lose my perspective.
-- Edited by gladlee on Wednesday 29th of June 2011 09:04:39 AM
-- Edited by gladlee on Wednesday 29th of June 2011 10:26:55 AM
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"See the work. Do the work. Stay out of misery." -Maharishi
Hi when I started recovery my best friend started with me she left and I continued as i got healthier and changed started looking after me she did not like it. The re;lationship was strained for a while and we did not see each other as much . I told her it was not personal that I needed time to fix myself. After a while we tarted seeing each other alittle more. Today When I visit she can be full of drama and self pity if its to much i leave. Today I know I am powerless and the only person I can fix is me. If she is in a good mood we have fun she rings other friends now and chats about problems and I mind my own business. It was a hard transition and I did have to end some relationships but the people who loved me understood.
