I want to form healthy friendships, but not rekindle the friendships I've had in the past. I had a person who came up to me telling me she wanted to be my friend. She gave me a lot of grief. I don't mind being around her but I know we could not be good friends. I told her so and told her that I'm not good at tact but I'm trying to be as tactful as possible. She accused me of saying she was too clingy, and I told her I didn't say that. She seemed to take it well after clarifying that. She is the 2nd one who has wanted to resume a friendship with me, which was not healthy for both of us in the 1st place. I feel weird because I've never said no to people in this way. I know it's the right thing to do, but it feels weird. Does this make sense?
It makes perfect sense! You're getting healthier and they see good changes in you. Some people want to know what you've got, what it is that's making those good changes, because they want to get in on it, too. The sad fact about some of those people is that they really do become clingy; they try to suck the good out of you because they see it as a shortcut, thinking that they'll benefit without having to do the work of the program themselves.
But others don't like change, and they'll manipulate, scheme, lie and do whatever else they think they need to do to drag you back down to their level because that's the only way they can feel good about themselves. Some people will cheer you on, but there will always be those who can't stand your success because looking at you in your healing journey reminds them of the dirty pit they live in. Only you can decide which friendships are beneficial for you, but it sounds to me like you're headed in the right direction by not letting these people back into your life.
Just my own opinion. Take what you like (if anything) and leave the rest!
Red Hawk
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My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.
gladysg, you're in the natural progression of learning how to set boundaries. I remember that it took such effort, to overcome my people pleasing doormat ways, to say no, that it was like lifting something heavy off of the ground, and they all came out with a grunt. I felt strange, they felt rejected. It took awhile and some observation of others, that could say no in a way that made the other person feel like they cared. I have found that the shortest answers are the best, like, "I wish that I could help you". Or in this case maybe "my plate is pretty full now". Followed by a smile and silence. Then the first person that talks loses lol.
I agree with Dean and Red Hawk, Im finding short answers are the best, even when relating to my alcoholism, if someone says "Want to come to (restaurant/bar) for lunch" I will say "Im not that hungry" and leave it at that, because I know if I go the temptation to drink will be greater and being early in my recovery I am trying to distance myself from these things. I also agree people are seeing the change in you and want to stop it because it makes them feel bad about themselves or they want to take what you got and suck it away from you. I heard them called "Emotional Vampires" before.
I cannot judge my brother or sister who, like I have often, may be suffering the symptoms of our spiritual dilemma or malady. If I take care of myself with love for God, myself & others, the world falls into place & I can find myself at peace. I'm teaching & leading by example this love for myself. Thanks for your post :) lilmzx
