Don't kick yourself too badly, shrinkingviolet. I once dated a man for a year and a half who was verbally abusive, lied, was a master of mind games and a master manipulator. I put up with it for so long because I truly believed that my HP had said this was the man for me! I finally decided my HP couldn't possibly hate me badly enough to want me to stay with that psycho and I broke up with him, but he couldn't let it go so we never had a clean break. He kept calling me and coming over to my house. He'd do things like stop by and say, "I noticed your grass is getting a little long. I'd be happy to mow it for you." He'd drive by my house at night "just to make sure I got home okay." This went on for over three years! What he was doing was called stalking, but I didn't feel I could take out a restraining order against him because we went to the same church, and he wouldn't have been able to attend if I'd done that. Looking back, I really should have done it anyway! I've been in a LOT of really damaging relationships, but that one was a doozy!

Even when it's a damaging relationship, we hurt when it's over because we care. The wound reminds us that WE MATTER. The hopes we had for the relationship were dashed, and it hurts because what we want matters. The fact that we were poorly treated again hurts because WE MATTER, and we deserve to be treated better. And yet, sometimes it hurts because somewhere deep inside, we're afraid that this might be our last chance to find what we're looking for. I think that's also partly why we sometimes stay in relationships that aren't good for us - at least, that was how I felt, even when I was still in my 30s.

A friend told me once that we get so used to being abused that we develop a really high tolerance for it, and can even sometimes be abused without even realizing it. Don't be too hard on yourself. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had, and now it's over. Give yourself time to grieve and let go. It's okay to cry. It's okay to mourn. And one day, maybe one day soon, it'll be okay to try again with someone who'll be just exactly what you're looking for.

Red Hawk

For me a separation from anyone is difficult even if it to protect or take care of yourself.  I can not keep everyone in my life as not every person is safe for me.  Once I share that hope, caring, and intimacy with someone and consider a future with them, it obviously creates an even tighter bond than just a friend or acquaintance.  Losing that, regardless of the reason or who made the decision, is difficult.  I feel like I failed, and I do have ownership of some things that lead to a relationship ending.  But it is "we" failed, "it" failed ... and I need to accept that it is the way it is supposed to be and best for me and there were two people involved and responsible.  I need to find the lessons to be learned and where I can change to make the next relationship better.  I also need to expect to grieve, regardless of how long or short the relationship was or why it did not work out.  There is an empty space left there, wonderful things given and shared in the hope of a wonderful future.  When the realization hits that this hope, this fantasy really isn't a reality ... it hurts.  That hurt needs to be felt, processed, and walked through in order for me not to carry it with me in the future, into another relationship.

I too have difficulty sharing my feelings.  I can share how I feel about pretty much anything, but if what I have to say has potential of causing confrontation or hurt feelings for the other person I lock up.  Worse, I get completely terrified.  It is something to work on and I have been doing that.  It is slow going, but all I can do is keep trying.  Maybe eventually, when I see that the world didn't fall apart, the person didn't leave, and I didn't get the crap beat out of me like when I was a kid for expressing myself ... maybe then it will become easier.  The scary thing is ... I saw in a movie the other day a statement that hit me like a TRUCK.  "If my wife and I fought like that we would still be married."  I believe this is true and learning how to fight fair and express anger and bad feelings absolutely essential for a healthy relationship and being healthy ourselves!  I know that when I suppress my bad feelings it eats me up inside ... surprised I still exist and didn't just implode! 

It is a grieving process, regardless of the circumstances - how long the relationship was etc.  Reaching out to others and sharing my pain has been extremely helpful in the past.  Leaning on those who love me helps remind me that I am not as bad as the ended relationship makes me feel I am.  I start to recognize the moments of peace in my days of grief and try to feed them and make them grow.  I hope yours are growing as well.