I think wanting revenge is something we have all experienced, but the "hook" for me with my codependency is all I ever wanted for was the other person to see me for who I really was, for them to see how their actions have harmed me, I have stayed in arguments and situations for months, even years too long because I just wanted them to see who I was, and to love me for being that person, to accept me for me, and not some idea of me they wanted to change me into, not for my "potential" but for who I am now, today.

For me, this started in my family of origin with my grandmother, who didn't like me for being my fathers son, and nothing I did, no matter how hard I tried changed that, and continued on with strangely enough, in a bizarre way with my mother, so when I grew up I began recreating this dynamic in my relationships, and I learned through bitter and painful and repeated experience after experience that some people will -never- "like me for who I am" but only see me as a flawed reflection of themselves, as Don Draper put it: "People tell you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be." "We’re flawed because we want so much more. We’re ruined because we get these things and wish for what we had."

So I had to try to learn to "Let Go" of what other people thought of me, and go live up to the best of my OWN humanity, and try to learn to forgive them, and in some cases, like with my father, and another case fairly recently, as the old Sufi Adage goes, "Renounce the Garment of The Lord and receive it back as your gift" when I let go of what they thought of me, I finally got "seen", I got that acceptance I had so desperately seeking, when I no longer "needed it" to survive, and to do that I had to start with baby steps, with forgiveness, of me, of them, of us, and just go do the best I could, to live up to the best of my OWN humanity, which is pretty good, and once "plugged in" to the whole weird "God Thing" that the steps, and being aligned with "God's will" everything fell into place and I was able to do so effortlessly, by effortlessly I don't mean I didn't struggle for years, but it was like the combination of a lock finally clicking, or a key that fit suddenly opening a door I had beaten my head against so long, or a recent example, I made just a few -small- changes in my eating habits, and so far have lost 30 lbs in two months...and after struggling with weight gain for two or three years, it just seemed to fall away with minimal effort on my part, a few minor changes, a little exercise on days off, giving up a few food groups (starches/wheat) my whole body was transformed, the same has been true in recovery, when I let go of revenge, of resentment, I get that which I had so desperately seeking for all those years, and I don't know, maybe it's because I gave it to myself first, but it all starts with forgiveness

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.

-- Cherie Carter-Scott

Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.

-- Anonymous

"Not to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past, by old grievances that do not permit life to proceed with new business. Not to forgive is to yield oneself to another's control... to be locked into a sequence of act and response, of outrage and revenge, tit for tat, escalating always. The present is endlessly overwhelmed and devoured by the past. Forgiveness frees the forgiver. It extracts the forgiver from someone else's nightmare."

-- Lance Morrow

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.

-- Unknown

When I forgive I don't excuse evil, or tolerate abuse.  I don't say 'oh, that's ok, it doesn't matter now' in a weak attempt to minimize and forget rather than admit and confront the truth.  I don't pretend there was never any pain.  I look at the wrong and call it what it was, and let however I feel be however I feel, without judgement.  And then, when I'm ready -- though I never really think I'm ever ready -- I reach for compassion; I consider what sickness was at work in the wrong-doer, what harms and evil they suffered, what ignorance they labored under and consider how those things drove them -- just as similar things have driven me.  That is the beginning of my ability to truly forgive.  It happens in stages; sloppily and organically and at its own pace and also, ultimately, with God's help and in God's time.

-- Mr. SponsorPants

"When you’re out there looking for that perfect person, keep these things in mind: people change, no matter how hard they try not to. As you grow older, you mature, and which each new level of maturity come different ideas, different needs and wants. The person who was perfect for you at twenty could be the person you can't tolerate at thirty-five. You have to find someone who will grow with you, change with you, laugh with you and cry with you. A person who fills in where you lack, a person whom you can fill in for when they are lacking. But what about the perfect person you ask? They don’t exist. There are no perfect people, only people who are perfect for each other. You deserve to be happy, not in the arms of someone who keeps you waiting, but in the arms of someone who will take you now."

Secret Garden