It's healthy, wise, and loving to be considerate and responsive to the feelings and needs of others. That's different from caretaking. Caretaking is a self defeating and, certainly, a relationship defeating behavior - a behavior that backfires and can cause us to feel resentful and victimized - because ultimately, what we feel, want, and need will come to the surface.
Some people seem to invite emotional caretaking. We can learn to refuse the invitation. We can be concerned; we can be loving, when possible; but we can place value on our own needs and feelings too. Part of recovery means learning to pay attention to, and place importance on, what we feel, want, and need, because we begin to see that there are clear, predictable, and usually undesirable consequences when we don't.
Be patient and gentle with yourself as you learn to do this. Be understanding with yourself when you slip back into the old behavior of emotional caretaking and self-neglect.
But stop the cycle today. We do not have to feel responsible for others. We do not have to feel guilty about not feeling responsible for others. We can even learn to let ourselves feel good about taking responsibility for our needs and feelings.
Today, I will evaluate whether I've slipped into my old behavior of taking responsibility for another's feelings and needs, while neglecting my own. I will own my power, right, and responsibility to place value on myself.
This has been the largest area of improvement for me since entering recovery. I have always been the go to person, the good listener, and the problem solver for my friends and family. The problem was that I rode the roller coaster of their problems. I would go out of my way to fix their problems. Now I can listen, offer any experience I have or ideas to help them, but I am perfectly comfortable staying detached, letting them do the work and deal with the consequences. You know what is really amazing? The more I detach the more compassion I have. The less my emotions are attached to their story, the more I can identify and empathize with what they are going through.
Recently someone made a very big effort to make sure that I felt as bad as possible about myself. I was really down for a while. I am human. It hurt, like it was meant to. The wonderful thing was this situation showed me how much this program offers. I did not lose myself this time around. I took care of myself and did not let them control me. It seemed to be the final push for me to really grab onto my recovery and grab onto life. I have done more fun things in the last couple of months than I have in the last few years. I am working hard and playing harder. I have two vacations planned by the end of the year, including the Grand Canyon. I am getting a group of friends together to go sky diving. I have taken time off work and am planning a backpacking trip through Ireland and Scotland this coming spring... by myself!!
I was choosing to live a life of pain and misery. Changing hurt a lot. Reliving my past, working through it, taking a good, honest look at myself ... it is a difficult process. There were some really dark days. It took several years, several tries of the old behaviors, several times falling on my face and working through the healing process to start living life ... but once I got the hang of it ... Happiness truly is an inside job. The fairy tale of childhood is finally gone and I have mourned it's passing. I truly felt the last of my innocence went out with it. There is no knight in shining armour. But I am much more comfortable with the adult reality of being a whole, happy person knowing that I will attract the same.
-- Edited by willing on Thursday 6th of October 2011 11:25:35 PM
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Thank you willing! That was a beautiful and inspiring share. I am an introvert as well, and talking about feelings, etc. exhausts me. I love this website, but it's too much for me everyday--probably because I'm still in the beginning of my recovery. People like you give me hope and remind me that though it may not be easy, it will be worth it and I will get there!!! :)
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Recovery does not mean that I have to become a different person. It means I need to start being myself again.
This statement means a lot to me and sonds like it was written for me. I printed it and am going to tape it to my mirror where I will see it every morning and read it to remind me that it is not up to me to fix all the family's problems, but I can still care, love and support them enough to take care of themselves.
I can't believe you are going to do all that stuff. You are really a "go-getter!" I would love to take a trip to Italy or Germany but I'm afraid to go by myself. I haven't reached your level yet.
What I find that draws me back into caretaking is that people get angry with me. When I'm suddenly not trying to fix their problems, etc., they apparently feel like I don't care or they get frustrated because they can't fix anything by themselves. Hearing and feeling that anger and frustration DOES make me feel very guilty and I fall right back into taking on everyone's problems.
Or else, they will cut me off and then I fall into feeling abandoned. Like a bad girl who didn't give enough so I was left behind. This disorder has so many pitfalls to look out for!
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"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
Believe me, the thought of running around a foreign country by myself with only what's in my backpack is a scary thought! I am slowly prepping to go, talking with other people, but there is still that little voice in the back of my head saying "Are you NUTS?!?" So it is not carved in stone and if I am too uncomfortable maybe it will turn into a drive across the US. Who knows? It is fun to dream though.
I remember well when I was completely incapable of saying no. I would literally start sweating, my stomach would get tight, I would cave almost instantly and say yes to whatever was asked of me out of fear of upsetting or letting down the other person. Heck, I did it recently with a relationship at a great cost to myself and the other person. Being honest and taking care of myself just makes it all so much easier.
When I first started practicing saying no and taking care of myself it was SOOOO difficult. I remember cringing waiting for the other person to come unglued on me ... but they didn't!!! I was amazed. I could say no and people RESPECTED IT! Each time I did it, it got easier. At first I would only do it every so often, it hadn't become natural yet. So I would still say yes when I should have said no ... a LOT. Over time, the more I said it the easier it got. I am finding that the people who punish me for saying no and taking care of myself are the unhealthy relationships in my life. Go figure! They are concerned only with themselved and think I should be there sacrificing myself for them at all times. I still flub up, sometimes big - sometimes small - and probably will for the rest of my life, but the change has really helped make my life better.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
I'm not sure this is the right place to post this but I have realized something tonight. It's Thanksgiving and I have spent the entire day being miserable and thinking of how everyone has ignored me and been having fun without even thinking of me. I have cried buckets and been so depressed. Then I remembered the post in another place that talked about gratitude and acceptance. I've been repeating that comment all evening and realized that instead of making myself a happy day, I've spent it thinking about everyone else and feeling alone. Gratitude I have but I think I just realized my need for acceptance. None of the people I've cried over all day give 2 cents about be right now and I wasted all day letting their behavior control my day. I think I'm having an "ah ha" moment and I need to really notice how I wasted this one day in my life and should try not to do it again. Wow that's a big step to take!
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"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
